The challenges are mounting..to tough it out or not?
Hello. This is my first post here, and I must say that I found this website because I am really struggling with my little blended family. A quick background...My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 1 of those years. When we met, his sweet little daughter was only 6. She was living with her mom at the time and we were only 'allowed' to see her during the summer times. I took my time in getting to know her and build a relationship with her. I did not require her to call me mom or tell me she loved me. I really left the ball in her court about how close we were going to be. This actually made us really close and developed a deep sense of trust between us (or so I thought). When my husband and I had been dating for 6 months, we found out that I was pregnant. I gave birth to a little boy. My SD was, understandably, jealous but I talked to her about it and it seemed that it was an issue that could be overcome. When my son was 3 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again...this time it would be twin girls...By the time my stepdaughter came to visit for the summer, I was 6 months pregnant; suffering from preclampsia, on bed rest and taking care of a 5 month old son (with help from my mother)...This visit was different. My stepdaughter had become quite stubborn with me and I attributed this to jealousy but looking back on it, her actions were so selfish. I had explained to her that I was pregnant and sick and that I couldn't get out of bed and do a lot of things...Still, she became angry when I couldn't do things with her (or for her). After the twins were born, my SD decided that she wanted to come live with her daddy and I.
Fast forward a year; my stepdaughter is 10, my son is 3 and my twin girls are 2...
ALL HELL HAS BROKE LOOSE in my home. In order for my home to operate, I need 100% cooperation. I am not super rigid about my schedule or unforgiving in my time management...I really make an effort to give attention to all four of our kids (I have ALWAYS counted my SD as one of my own) but anytime the attention is off my SD for too long, she acts out. She is still throwing tantrums at age 10, refuses to listen to anything that I say, and has even taken to self-mutilation (she will pinch herself, choke herself, ect.) It is getting to the point that I feel like I have been used. I found out that she tells her BM things about me (some are true and are private, some aren't true at all). I now feel like the only reason that she ever loved me is because of the attention that I gave her. I have had to become a disciplinarian with her because I am home with her constantly and her behavior is so far out of control. I have had to send her to her room and make her stay there...I have had to physically carry her into her room because she was throwing a fit and hold the door shut while she screamed and jerked it...This is all because I have asked her to do something that she doesn't want to do (homework, mostly). The worst part of it is that I cannot trust her with the younger children. I have caught her hitting, pushing and even pinching them. My husband has tried to help but she is starting to act out against him because of it...I just don't know what to do. I love my husband with all my heart and from the moment I met them both, I wanted to be in their lives but I just can't take it anymore. I am so scared what effect all of this is having on my children...should I put up with this? How do I deal with it?
If you are thinking of
If you are thinking of leaving, you could try marriage/family counseling. It might help, and at worst, if it doesn't, you can know you tried before you leave.
As far as leaving, what you should put up with, only you can answer that.
From the perspective of
From the perspective of someone who stayed during the hellish teenage years with twin SKids (boy and girl) it was truly hell on wheels.
SD went into the juvenile justice system at age 13, minor ungovernable at that point. The judge gave her every consequence on the books! Then SD progressed to drugs and alcohol. SD was allowed to hop between homes, disrespected everything and everyone, including both her bio parents.
This is a super intelligent child, incidentally, who got her GED right on her 16th birthday and went to UNI right on her 17th birthday.
At age TEN this girl and I went shopping and the total matched the exact amounts in our collective wallets...I made her choose stuff and put the rest back on the racks...even that I did not let her away with it it was quite a clever play!
This girl was kicked out of two group homes, they could not manage her...professional people?! She was the worst category delinquent on file at court. She committed felony assault on the elderly and resisted arrest and smacked an officer too. Judge ordered drug court in leu of a two year sentence, SD failed drug court and was remanded in custody in a secure juvenile facility for two years. We communicated with her and had the expectation of her coming home again, having learned something from her experience and counselling, intensive counselling, in the facility. The authorities interviewed us for suitability and found us to be more than able to take care of SD, we were counselled and we had our home inspected etc. We go to the court room on SD's release date and BM is there, larger than life, and the two of them leave together. That was a huge slap in the jaw for DH and I, no one told us anything of what would happen.
At age 18 there was no intervening so we let it go, we also resolved that SD can deal with her own consequences from now on too.
SD is dancing, doing drugs and hanging with people who also have that lifestyle. There's no way she gets to come back here until she's ready for rehab and to give it all up to go back to school. She's already asked to come back and the answer was a resounding 'no'.
The point of telling you all of this is to let you know that this girl was THE most charming, sweet, preppy little girl when I met her. I hope and pray that you NEVER experience the hell we did but you also need to be aware of how these clever kids can manipulate people and events to their own advantage.
The first piece of advice a counsellor gave me was to stop letting her push buttons with me, it took a lot of patience I can tell you but I was steadfast. This sort of child will just move on to the next sucker, her words when I asked her what she'd do if someone refused to do what she wanted. Smart but still naieve...LOL
The diagnosis given in second grade was ADHD, then at 13 it was ODD and because they are reluctant to call kids sociopaths below the age of 18 they said she was 'emerging borderline personality disorder'. There truly is no 'cure' and it really does not matter what style of parenting you choose with these kids, I chose firm but fair and she now recognizes why I did what I did 'back then'.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. My story is one of the most extreme benchmarks, yours may not be.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have only had to deal with the adult daughter32 of FDH, and that gives me pause to think my future with FDH. His daughter is truly his love of his life. I don't where I fit in for the future.
I really do appreciate this
I really do appreciate this perspective...I have considered her behavior sociopath behavior and I have seen more manipulation out of her than I thought was ever possible. I hope that I don't have to travel this road but I am very afraid that this is where her behavior is headed. BM fights us any time we try to get her into counseling. I think that she is afraid of what my SD might tell about the time that she lived with her mom. Unfortunately, my husband tries to keep peace between his SD, the BM and myself most of the time so he is always compromising with someone...I am with you, I think that compromise is only making the situation worst.
I really do appreciate this
I really do appreciate this perspective...I have considered her behavior sociopath behavior and I have seen more manipulation out of her than I thought was ever possible. I hope that I don't have to travel this road but I am very afraid that this is where her behavior is headed. BM fights us any time we try to get her into counseling. I think that she is afraid of what my SD might tell about the time that she lived with her mom. Unfortunately, my husband tries to keep peace between his SD, the BM and myself most of the time so he is always compromising with someone...I am with you, I think that compromise is only making the situation worst.
I agree. Disengaging, for me,
I agree. Disengaging, for me, has been very hard because I love my SD very much and part of me wants a really good relationship with her. The sad thing is, in order to disengage from this girl, I have to separate her from the family.
Send her home to her Mother.
Send her home to her Mother. She is a danger to your other children and need a lot of attention. She cannot get a lot of attention in a house full of toddlers and she should be old enough to not need that much attention. But she apparently does so it's time for her to go where she doesn't have so much competition--back to Mom's. When kids have severe behavioral issues, the Step Parent is the last person who should be left to handle it--that can only go really bad. Dad is not as impacted as he's off working so his perspective of what all is going on is not going to be as detailed as what you live with. So go ahead and tell him she has to go home because you cannot handle her behavior or watch her 24.7 so that she doesn't hurt herself. And most of all you fear the safety of the smaller kids in the house.