DH went to Park with BM to talk when I was gone.....
I thought things were better, since getting therapy and my SS moving out I really felt like maybe we were on the right road. I am so naive. My step children's BM texted my DH and asked him to meet her at a park to discuss something really important. So of course he went because she wouldn't say what it was on the phone. I was away visiting my very ill father who may have cancer. They walked and talked, apparently they even talked about me. Disgusting, can you say loyalty issues. I am sorry but what was wrong with sitting at a kitchen table and talking?
So my DH goes and apparently there was hugging and a rendition of Kumbaya. (Yes, that was sarcasm). She told him the big important thing was...drumroll please....His daughter would like more time with him. Said daughter is 22 years old! An adult. Said daughter has been to our house two times in the last five days.Is her dialing finger broken? She can't tell her father this herself? Oh she feels comfortable borrowing cars and money from us all the time but apparently asking for some daddy daughter time is too hard! Has she not bowed out of many family events to go off with her friends. Yes.
No this daughter wants "to see her father alone on a ratio of 3 out of 4 visits. So where am I supposed to go? That is not happening. This is the same daughter who told me that I need to shut up at dinner because no one wanted to hear my stories and who ruined our family vacation. So no, not my favorite.
Look I am all for his daughter having time with him but she always does this when she is bored and unemployed. As soon as she is in a play. yes she is an actress, or working she forgets her dad.
When I got home DH told me that they enjoyed their little "date" so much they want to do it regularly! I said no, not gonna happen. Real emergency happening certainly happy to have her over for a cup of coffee and I will make myself scarce. But I am not okay with these secret meetings about something the kids need to address. They are all adults. And the topper was she sent him a 10 paragraph email with tips on how to parent. CCd me because she said how great it was that he loves me so much. She called me his darling. Yuck.
And then he took his daughter out to a restaurant and they discussed each others sex lives!
That is a great idea. I have
That is a great idea. I have a therapist but they don't specialize in blended families. Thanks.
That is a great idea. I have
That is a great idea. I have a therapist but they don't specialize in blended families. Thanks.
That is a great idea. I have
That is a great idea. I have a therapist but they don't specialize in blended families. Thanks.
Disgusting!!!! I'm sorry you
Disgusting!!!!
I'm sorry you had to go thru that. My sd wanted her parents back together after BM was dumped by the second husband because that's best for SD. They forgot one thing that BM cheated on their father and taught Skids to lie to cover up for her while she was out effing her best friend husband...go figure...There will be nothing they woulnd't do to get in your face and hurt you. Hold your ground and be strong. I reminded my DH what they've done to him and told him you're smart enough knowing when you're being manipulating by someone.
Best of luck.
A.
Thank you. I feel strong.
Thank you. I feel strong.
Why is your husband treating
Why is your husband treating his 22yo daughter like a friend? IMHO, he's the problem. Not SD. Sounds like he has serious boundary isssues
I know. The whole thing is
I know. The whole thing is disgusting. I mean where are your boundaries?
Your DH does not need to give
Your DH does not need to give BM the time of day - much less hugs and dates. This would be a hill to die on for me. (or preferably a hill to kill someone on)
NOT ACCEPTABLE. When DH and I first got together he stopped by to visit BM (who lived about a mile from me). They'd been divorced for 20 years and she was remarried. But I went bat shit crazy over this. He would not be my DH if this had continued.
As for the SD - she is an adult. You do not have to have anything to do with her ever. Let your DH see her away from your home - occasionally - not every day. I haven't seen SS30 in almost 2 years. DH sees him every week or two.
Quick question - do you HAVE
Quick question - do you HAVE to wait until they're dead? What if they're only *mostly* dead?
You really made me laugh!
You really made me laugh! Thanks. Never again. Never again will I date someone with kids, grown or other wise.
This is all very
This is all very inappropriate.
And just so I understand, he wants to get together with the BM regularly? Because they had such a great time?
Yes, isn't that just swell?
Yes, isn't that just swell? Isn't happening.
Since he wants to date BM,
Since he wants to date BM, are you allowed to see other people as well?
I guess so, I hadn't thought
I guess so, I hadn't thought of that!
Dating BM and talking about
Dating BM and talking about "your" sex life with SD?! Ew ew ew
Time to get in touch with your inner *Boundary Bitch* }:)
I am stealing your phrase!
I am stealing your phrase!
Steal away!
Steal away!
Well, I thought we were
Well, I thought we were working on our relationship and things have been getting better. But it isn't easy. Being someone's step parent and being in a blended family never is. I am curious, what avatar are you referring to?
No way would I put up with
No way would I put up with him meeting BM for talks. And if he told me he and his daughter talked about their sex lives, it would be ON. I'd tell them both hoe twisted they were and set some BOUNDARIES. I am curious what you said to him about all this?
Sounds like he has two
Sounds like he has two mini-wives: BM and daughter. They are being very manipulative. Something like, "sent him a 10 paragraph email with tips on how to parent. CCd me because she said how great it was that he loves me so much. She called me his darling." A man would never catch that she was actually sticking it to you. He'd think she was just being "nice." But, a woman, on the other hand, would know full well that that she was being stabbed in the back. For some reason I've read a lot on these pages lately about BMs going around marking their territory on the SMs turf, and yes, it has the same intention as when dogs do it. BM wants you to know she is the alpha-female.
So I sat him down and I told
So I sat him down and I told him that no way was I putting up with this happening again. There would be no more walks in the park. No violating my boundaries. No sex talks with my SD. We both, finally!, agreed that his daughter has some mental issues.
We both agreed that there would not be a ratio of visits.
When I said no more walks in the park he started to say the usual garbage he used to say about was I sure this was the hill I wanted to die on and I said, DH you just don't get it. I can choose whether to live with you or not. I do not have to. He immediately stopped talking. I feel strongly after all the progress we made in the last 8 months, and therapy for me, that I could walk tomorrow if this bs doesn't stop. I don't know why he caved this time but the only thing left to do is talk to the BM and tell her this does not fly with me.
My son, 31, and I were talking about this and he said when are you going to talk to the BM and I said probably never and he said the next time they want to meet how can you say, I told you I am not okay with this if you don't say it to both. Supposedly she and I have a good, albeit cool, relationship.
Anyone else think I should bother talking to her since she instigated the date? And lay down some clear boundaries?
Personally I would not want
Personally I would not want to meet with bm. She is one of the enemies. She is not interested in truth or doing the right thing. She already KNEW it was wrong to meet with your dh alone. To meet with her will only encourage her. She will attempt to play her little mind games. They (bm & sd) would be looking for ammunition against you so that they can go to your dh and say "see, we are trying to get along but your wife is just so unreasonable". They play the poor little victims and make you look like a monster.
Your DH is the one who needs
Your DH is the one who needs to shut her down. She is not going to take you seriously, she will just paint you as the jealous, insecure wife.
You should not have to deal with BM, your DH should.
Yay, Kudos, Applause and
Yay, Kudos, Applause and Congratulations for facing this head on and setting firm boundaries with DH!!!
Love love love this line, " I can choose whether to live with you or not. I do not have to." I would have loved to see the look on his face.
Totally agree with the above wise ladies that DH has to be the one to avoid and say no to the lovely walks with BM. He can encourage SD to come to him herself instead of sending her mother as an emissary.
Oh wow, what a mess!!!!!!
Oh wow, what a mess!!!!!! Seems to me bio mom is manipulating husband to get what she wants for her children and that is for you to be out of the picture and your husband is to blind to see it or is loving the attention from his ex. I would be sick to my stomach. Parents need to communicate but not like this.
When we were first married,
When we were first married, BM wanted to have dinner with DH and SDs to "discuss their issues". The SDs were in their 20's at the time. Three adult women discussing their "issues" with my husband. Beautiful. DH told them he would only go if I came along. Dinner never happened. I think a better answer would have been, "BM, my relationship with our adult daughters does not involve you, so I am not going to meet with you and them."
Men are clueless! I would never have gone to dinner with all of them, but why get me involved in the answer? Don't hide behind my skirt, DH.
Your DH is crazy to even consider meeting BM to discuss an adult child. If he had such a good time, why did he divorce this woman in the first place?
This is a woman's game using a man as a pawn. And it's all about sticking it to you and putting you "in your place." Women can be vicious.
My SD30 is very mentally ill.
My SD30 is very mentally ill. Despite her illness, she is very smart and manipulative. Due to her illness and her long list of bad decisions, BM was contacting my DH to discuss SD on a regular basis. She uses their daughter to try and maintain contact with my DH. I get that she's really messed up but she's an adult and if she needs to talk to daddy she can call him herself. It's like she's still a baby and they need to co-parent. SD30's parents divorced when she was 3.
Well, a couple years ago, before SD went on a tirade and disappeared from our lives (it has been wonderful) she wanted to have a "meeting" with mommy and daddy alone. She wanted to discuss why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. She said to my DH "I should've done this a long time ago". What the hell did she think she was going to accomplish? Did she really think that her little meeting would rekindle the romance between her parents that died almost 30 years ago? BM has called before to tell DH that SD is "very upset" that they aren't married anymore and that she wants to understand why they can't get back together. Hogwash! Utter bullshit. Stupid. Senseless garbage!
This was just another ploy to get daddy and mommy together to sit there and fawn over their widdle preshus baby girl. My DH refused and said there was nothing to talk about.
I'm glad DH finally came to his senses and saw what SD30 was trying to do. There is no reason for family meetings and no reason for SD to need to be with her parents for visits together.
It's ridiculous and disgusting.
As in my situation, there is no reason for walks in the park with BM to discuss the adult brat and what she wants. If she wants her daddy time then she can call him herself and ask to see him. It is not her place to demand how many visits she is to have without you present. She is even demanding what the ratio of visits that you can be included in; 1 out of 4, ridiculous! She is not running the show. If your SO gives into this BS then it will continue. I cannot think of any reason why BM needs to have regular strolls in the park to discuss their daughter. It is the same manipulative BS that my SD and BM try to pull. I hope your SO shuts them down and puts a stop to this.
There is no reason for this and her demands should not be honored or it's going to get worse. Before you know it, she will be demanding dinner dates and vacations.
~DH refused and said there
~DH refused and said there was nothing to talk about.
Yay for your DH!!! Gold star.
this is wrong on so many
this is wrong on so many levels.
the dh is enmeshed with his daughter. she is his daughter and not her friend. she needs close friends he own age.
and calling it a "date" days it all.
sick.