Suddenly SD (5) doesnt want to talk to us anymore?!
My FDH's daughter (5)has always had a very close relationship with us especially with her dad. Suddenly when we call she refuses to talk. Her BM is neglectful and has never had a close relationship with her. SD cries every time she has to go back to BM's house. What I'm worried about is the BM is crazy and I think she may be rewarding SD for not talking to us. For instance last night my FDH asked to talk to his 5 yr old and BM asked her if she wanted to talk. there was a long pause and BM said " you dont have to talk to him, mommy wont make you talk if you dont want to, you want us to leave you alone?" he didnt hear his daughters response. I think she wants to talk to us but her mother who is usually mean and neglectful, is paying more attention to her when she doesnt talk to us. Weird right?? Has this ever happened to anyone else?
We went through this as
We went through this as well. In fact, SD5 still won't talk to her father on the phone (hasn't since she was 2), but she talks to her mother everyday she is with us. She cries and throws a fit if daddy calls her at mommy's house. We know that the Wingnut promises her things and we also know that she tells her that "it makes mommy sad when you talk to daddy". We actually heard wingnut tell her to hang up on dh once.
We've given up on trying to change it. She also won't hug or say good-bye to either of us at exchanges. As soon as mommy pulls in, she goes stoic and won't even make eye contact with us. DH has started "forcing" a quick hug. We're not trying to be mean, but we are trying to explain to her that she doesn't have to choose. She can love both. We felt that allowing her to treat us badly in front of mommy was teaching her she can expect us to accept any type of behavior she throws at us. We aren't willing to do that and we've made it clear. She is improving, slowly. It sucks, but really you can't control what happens over at the other house. What you can do is be consistent on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Pretending to not like you when she is with mommy, should be unacceptable.
Wingnut also "rewarded" SD5 (3 and 4 at the time) with trips to Chuck E. Cheese and Kidz Rule if she told the forensic psychologist and child psychiatrist involved in the custody hearing that dh hits her and locks her in her bedroom. Fortunately, those doctors were very smart and realized the kid was lying to please her mother.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
We are going through the
We are going through the exact same thing here too. SS5 does NOT want to talk to DH during the 4 days with BM, although when SS5 is here with us, he goes on and on and on and on about how, "Mommy does this, mommy lets me do that!" till DH gets red in the face...
Check into a few things here: Parental Alienation Syndrome..(I do believe that is the correct spelling)
It touches on how many BM's go out of there way to alienate the child from the other parent, in any way...That is what the BM is "trying" to do with SS5. It can be quite twisted. The young child will be afraid to leave the parent, etc...
Good luck and hope this helps!
MWC (again)
There is a book called
There is a book called "Divorce Poison" which defines PAS and gives tips on fighting it with your child.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Correct!!! Talk about
Correct!!!
Talk about PAS...SS5 would NOT even sleep in his own bed because BM was/ is letting SS5 sleep with her, in HER bed?!
Now, (sure) she "claims" that ss5 sleeps in HER bed, alone...and she sleeps on the couch.(right)
Without being a fly on the wall neither one of us can tell wth is going on in the BM grazing estate. It's some sick shit!!!
We both literally battle with this crap every Fri-Mon. as we had to ditch the week on, week off rotine because SS5 was a total basket case away from BM.(I was the one here watching him go insane because dh works his ass off) So, it's a sick ass situation.
No, dcf will not do crap because BM has everything "needed" for ss5's residence...
BM took everything related to dh OUT of sight away from ss5...so wth should I let her pic up here? It only makes him scream worse.
Sick ass BM's out there. (Yes, I am a BM too, now going on twice.) And an awesome one w/ a very stable 18 year old son!!!
Same thing. SD5 still sleeps
Same thing. SD5 still sleeps with mommy. Seriously, I know it sucks because he is screaming, but don't let his behavior be rewarded by giving him back to BM!!! This will only reinforce the behavior and give her more time to poison. Also, she'll use it to tell him that daddy doesn't want him, he gave him back. We've been through this. You need to let SS know that throwing a fit will not get him what he wants. Send him to his room to scream and cry and ignore him. Take her pic down at your house and constantly remind him that when he is in your care, there are no negotiations. I sympathize, because I lived it. Hours of screaming that she wants her mommy. She still comments that she'd rather be at mommy's house (because mommy has no effing rules and lets her eat candy for dinner). It gets worse, soon she'll have him telling people you abuse him and that is why he is "scared" to talk to daddy on the phone. If dh wants a relationship with his son, he needs to put his foot down and let ss know that his behavior is unacceptable and that their will be consequences. SS will get worse at first, but he'll eventually realize that it isn't working and will settle in to a routine. SD5 still lies whenever she sees a therapist and tells them we hit her because she's been rewarded for it for so long that she thinks it is normal to do so. She is disciplined for lying everytime. Eventually the rewards won't be worth the payment on the back end.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Soverysad~~~What am I
Soverysad~~~What am I supposed to do though? I am pregnant and can't let ss5 hurt me, or the dog, or throw something threw the window, while dh (a good man overall) works his ass off to provide?
We are both confused as to what to do. I must mention, wth doesn't BM get a bed for her son?!!!
He already is VERY aware of what boy and girl is.
Sick, no?
Anyone who doesn't love
Anyone who doesn't love their kid enough to want them to feel loved by as many people as possible is sick! And yes, he should have his own bed.
I wish I had better answers. Unfortunately, when the baby comes. It will get worse. BM will tell him that daddy loves the baby more, etc.
Can you afford a therapist for him? I am so sorry you are going through this. You certainly don't need the stress. My fear for you is that he will start saying bad things about you (with BMs direction)and Child Protective Services will be at your door, which puts you at risk of losing your birthchild! Do NOT allow this to happen. CPS came to our home and fortunately all ready suspected the allegations were false for two reasons 1) long, contentious divorce, and 2) the doctor who reported the allegation was less than impressed with it but was legally obligated to report. As much as I think it is important to your dh's relationship to keep ss as often as possible, it is MORE IMPORTANT that you protect this new child (some people will have my head for that comment because ss is dh's biochild, blah, blah - but...sometimes you can't fight the good fight).
Is there anywhere in the house you can put him, where he would have to stay and can't hurt himself or break anything? We put SD safely in her room and ignored her. Now that she is 5 (and yes this will sound cruel) we explain to her that if she expects hugs / kisses / attention while with us, she needs to show it ALL the time, not just when it is convenient for her. Please read Divorce Poison. Maybe you can get some ideas from that.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Yes!...Divorce Poison...an
Yes!...Divorce Poison...an awesome book if you have vendictive exes. Its the only book I know out there that gives options on how to deal with horribles things exes do and not always taking the high road; a very pro-active mindset.
Unfortunately, trying to
Unfortunately, trying to take the high road did nothing but teach SD that she could treat people like crap and that mommy was always right because no one ever told her otherwise. I think if we had taken a more proactive approach in the beginning it would have improved our situation. SD's social and emotional health have been stunted and she's suffering for it at school because mommy has taught her that she can lie about people if they don't make her happy at every turn of the road.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
yeah...I hear you there. The
yeah...I hear you there. The BM way overstepping the bounds with us and DH until he put his foot down. Man was she PISSED! But she calmed down and actually has been better. Not much but better. baby steps my dear.
I believe the high road mentality is only good for the rare occurrance. Not for someone who consistantly oversteps. They need to be stopped in their tracks or they'll just get worse.
How long has this gone on
How long has this gone on for?
Just for the record, I am
Just for the record, I am not a "fan" of what they call, "co-sleeping" or whatever...
As stated above, I am also a BM of my own son who actually slept in his own room, own crib, own bed, actually since he was a week old...BS18 has no zero mental problems today. (Thank God)
I think (personally) that children should sleep in their own beds. After all, aren't we supposed to raise them to be able to be indepndent one day?!
I "catch" shit a lot from "others" on how to raise a kid, that's fine, I have "proof" though, right?
This isn't any type of
This isn't any type of advice but just a mere opinion.
I find it sick and disgusting how these BM use their children as a tool to hurt the other party. They don't see the long term effects of how this is emotionally screwing with their children, not only about how these children will grow up and feel about themselves, but how they will treat others and thus is the cycle when they have children of their own. These BM's are so self absorbed in their own pity and revenge that any care for the emotional well being of their child(ren) is thrown out the window. They are selfish, ruthless and destructive and if they want to damn themselves that is fine, but they are taking the most innocent down with them. What poor little souls these children are to have been birthed to such dilapidated bitches of misery.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore