I think you are right. IF the BM is in the pic then there are all kinds of problems. We don't want to take over for someone just b/c they are lazy. Most woman have their own obligations and don't want more. At least I don't. But then the bm always seems to think that the sm is trying to take over when most of the time that is not the case. I know that in my case bm actually said that she was not going to let me take her kids. But the sad part is that if she would have wanted to see me as a person instead of the enemy then she would have known I do not want to take over, i have my kids and that is plenty.
But yeah i think you are on to some thimg.

I read a book some time ago - unfortunately can't remember the title - which put forward the theory that not only are we not biologically programmed to love someone else's children, but exactly the opposite, that we are basically quite instinctive and our instinct is to feel that our new partner's children are somewhat of a threat to the survival of our own children - (if we have any). Although this is obviously not applicable to modern life - we still retain the old animalistic instincts to protect our own children and get rid of other people's if they appear as a threat to the wellbeing of ours.

I think it's a really interesting view that is worth exploring.But what about those of us who don't have children of our own but still struggle with blending?if we aren't instinctually protecting children then what are we reacting to?

I agree with what you are saying...

In answer to Asher10 - I think the answer would be (from what I remember) that you POTENTIALLY might have your own children at some point and any children from a previous alliance of your mate with someone else would be seen by the instinctive self as a threat to your (as yet unborn)children. Not sure what this would mean for ladies of post-childbearing years. For myself, I had two almost grown up DDs when I hooked up with DH, and have always found step-parenting his younger girls challenging. Whether I would have done so if they had not been such pains in the backside, I'm not sure!!

Wow this is an interesting thread. I probably do have to agree that when kids are not biologically yours, you do see them as a threat (especially when it comes to attention from the BP) in some sense. I have found that my marriage is WONDERFUL when it's just her and I in our house, but as soon as one of the stepkids and grandchild moves in there is immediate tension and I do start to feel jealous of the attention my wife gives them, being that I have no kids of my own. I guess also I don't feel the same need to "protect" them (really its enabling, but that's another issue in itself) as the BM sees the need to. I want them to "grow up" while she wants to protect them from everything, even though they are all adults. Very interesting theory.

is it against out nature to nurture and love other womens bio kids?
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In my years with DH & his kids, loving his kids has never been an issue for me. Even when things were at the ugliest, I believe those times hurt me the way they did because of the fact that I sincerely love his kids unconditionally. I would honestly feel it was against my nature if I had to find a way to not love them.

I won't say that I've never had issues with jealousy & endless frustration, but the issues I had revolved around BM...the relationship DH had with her, the way she treated DH, the things she teaches her children, etc. She's just an all-around ass. I think that's the scientific term.

I think that there's definitely some instincts going on with loving someone else's kids or not. I know it's possible to love someone else's kid and it does happen, but I think it's the exception to the rule. ESPECIALLY when you have your kids of your own.

I try to imagine different scenarios. What if DH had kids but I didn't? Would it be easier to heap our resources on his kids if they were the only kids in my life? Yes.

What if DH's kids had no BM and they were orphans and they ended up "emotionally adopting" me as their mom. Would there be a better chance of me loving them eventually? Yes. Because then they would be "mine" more or less.

Don't we love what is ours? Let's take dogs for example. (Yes I know kids aren't dogs! This is just to make a point).
Do we love our neighbor's dog? No. We think its cute maybe and like looking at it, but that's it. But we love OUR dog, the one that belongs us alone.

But since I have my own kids, and they have their own mom (who works at crosspurposes with us and we know for a fact talks crap about us), the chances of me loving these kids? Slim to none.

And I have always wondered why people think it would be natural to love your stepkids. It's the most unnatural situation in the world. My Skids don't add anything beneficial to my life; they are just part of the package I signed up for to marry DH. That doesn't sound pretty but it's the truth.