My head is going to explode!!!!!
Hello all I am new to the site and I am really reaching out to other stepmoms that can relate to my situation. I really need some people to talk to that understand what I am dealing with. I am 29 years old and my husband is 39, he has two daughters from a previous marriage age 12 and 14. Well we have been married for three years now and together for about six. I am having and have had a really hard time with the SM role. My SD's love me and we get along okay, but I just have never felt like I fit in anywhere. I don't discipline them and have chosen to step back and take on a friend role to them. The result is that is how I am treated as an equal. My husband has so much guilt over the divorce (his ex-wife cheated on him) that he really allows them to get away with just about anything. The youngest one age 12 is the worst. She purposely does things that annoy and upset me and I don't know how to handle it so I just take it at the time but get upset about it later.. My husband doesn't support me in anyway when it comes to them and I am really reaching the end of the rope here. We fight about the kids mostly and money all the time. How do I deal with my SD's with out hurting their feelings or causing arguments between us? How do I get my husband to support my feelings and decisions when it comes to them. Anyone????????????
Your Husband needs to support you...
He is not doing the girls any favors by giving into his feeling of guilt and remorse and letting the girls walk all over him and you. He is doing them a grave diservice by not setting limits and parenting them responsibly. Sometimes you have to let children hate you a little to do what is best for them.
If you can't talk to your husband and help him to understand these things, you should urge him to go and get some counseling with you with someone who understands step family issues. If he won't do that, you should keep coming here to get support and help with talking things through with him. That will be better than nothing.
I hope you've found a place that will help you with these feelings. This stepgig isn't easy by any means.
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Thanks
Thanks again for the support it's good to know I'm not alone.
My DH feels guilty too! Hang in there.
I am new to the site too. Welcome. I must admit coming and hearing that others are going thru alot of the same feeling as myself makes me feel like I am not alone.
My DH also feels guilty over his divorce, especially when it comes to the kids, he acts like he owes them something. And the older they get the more they use that to their advantage. I use to have a decent relationship with my SK but since my DH and I have married, 9mo. ago, the SK additude towards me has gotten worse. I notice that my BC act out more when the SK are here. My SK spend most of the time they are here in their room, they are 10,8, and 6. They don't speak to me other than to say hi, and there are times when the SK don't really even respond to my BC which are 10,8, and 7.We live in a house divided and he seems so afraid to consistantly discipline them, he would rather baby them and kiss their a**. My ss is so babied by BM and my DH that he can barely do anything without one of them holding his hand. I feel like my DH left alot of the responsibilties on my shoulder, making me a mess, stressed, irritable, and even irrational at times. I never realized how hard it would be to be a step mom. I have found alot of support and good advice from this website, but the one thing that I have truely learned is that I cannot make them like me and if I keep fighting with my husband on how to deal with them (the SK)and the BM, I am going to end up divorced. So I have put my marriage first and let my DH deal with the SK, they are his responsibility and he deals with the BM, the SK and any problems, we only discuss things that will affect us financially. My DH does not totally agree with it, but I told him that he has let the problems go on and has taken no active steps to change the problems with the SK and BM. I just remind him that I married him not my SK and their BM.
I want to live, laugh and love again.
Thank you, my DH complains
Thank you, my DH complains too. But I feel like if it was really important to him he would try to figure out why his children are this way towards me, but he is just fine with the SK saying "I like her", I really think it is eating at my DH that I have given him all of the responsibility for his children. But for me it has lifted a very large weight off of my shoulders. At times I don't think my relationship with my SK will get any better, but I am not going to force myself on them.
I want to live, laugh and love again.
I am in the same boat...with
I am in the same boat...with absolutely no solutions...humm...Good Luck! Let me know how it goes
I think I am realizing that the guilt is
the controlling factor in most of my problems. I called DH on a Monday to let him know that my friends parents had invited us to a party at their house in thanks for us helping them move they wanted him and the kids to come. He said OH well I told the kids they could go the mall. Now this was on a Sunday, and I said well okay how about if they go to the mall on Saturday and he said well I promised them Sunday. Normally something like this would cause a huge fight-but I just said okay I will go by myself and tell them you felt so guitly that you and the kids won't be able to make it and are going to them all instead. He said your right!!!!!!! He actually agreed with me and said he just didn't want to dissapoint them and that he never saw things in that light before. He came to the party and told the kids they would go to the mall another day-so we'll see if he starts to really realize how unfair he is being to me....
One thing I noticed with my
One thing I noticed with my DH is that it was necessary to praise him when he did the right thing. Just like kids, they like to know when they've done a good job. The more you praise him when he does the right thing and doesn't give into his guilt, the more he'll do it in the future. Praise, praise, praise, even if you think it's silly and won't do any good. You'll be surprised.
Good suggestion
I guess I am guilty of pointing out the negative and ignoring the positive when it comes to my DH discipling the kids because I feel like he should be doing it anyway without me nagging him. But you are right wildlife, when I said thank you for seeing it and trying to handle it I could see that a gear started to turn in his head. If I just try to make she is happy........that is what I think he realized. I mean I am not asking him to solve all of the behavior,but just the effort is what matters to me.
I agree!
I've heard the "praise" technique before...I've found it had worked in some situations...although it's not been related to anything HUGE like dealing with BM...that's my next task!