There is absolutely nothing wrong in feeling that way, BUT what I will say is if you feel that way now do not marry him.

Some people in the world grow up wanting to be parents some day, there are other people who somewhere along the line decide actually they dont want children, they would rather travel, or do whatever. These are all personal choices that only you can make and only have to answer to yourself.

Personally? I could not be in this dynamic if I didnt want children myself. And by the standards on this board I have a really easy set up, my SD5 is a sweet kid, we get on well, BM sticks to the CO and there is very very little drama. In our 3 year relationship there have been 2 or 3 arguments/phone-calls between BM and my fiance.

If you have been in this relationship for a while and still feeling this way then yes maybe you do need to really look at whether this is the right relationship for you, for him and for the children, because yes those children arent going anywhere. Now that doesnt mean you have to kiss their backsides and regard them as the children you never had BUT it does mean areas of your life will be altered and if you dont feel you have your partners understanding then resentment will poison you both.

You mention chaos in your heading.. Is it chaos because if it is and they are young.. It will only get worse when they are teenagers!

Leave now while you can as marriage dosent change anything other than being stuck legally.

I felt exactly how you are describing. I did marry the man. Here's how I look at it now:

-It has been me that has had to change my attitude and perception. I feel that the brunt of acceptance and compromise has been on my plate. That being said, nearly 10 years in (5 dating, almost 5 married), my DH is finally shifting his attitude a little as well. I feel like he is finally putting our marriage in the place of priority it needed to be all along (counseling has helped). I've managed to stay fairly disengaged and cobbled my own happiness together, but I've had to compromise cleanliness, money and what could have been a pretty successful career. (Oh and I really love cats but can't have them due to DH and SD14 being allergic, had I known that, deal breaker).

-My skid situation is not that bad. Two girls (14 and 16) that generally are easy to get along with. Do not misunderstand, it is not my preference, but they are fairly good kids with no major issues.

-The BM situation I have is not so bad. I don't like her, but she is finally starting to respect some boundaries. She has never outright treated me disrespectfully but she would frequently make demands of DH that were unreasonable. She regularly trashes him to his daughters, and tries to make him look bad. He has had to be the bigger person for so long.

-If I had a time machine, I would have stuck my ground when I broke up with him a year into our relationship. He asked me to give him another chance to demonstrate that he can make me a priority, he made some major improvements but there's only so much a parent can do. I wouldn't do this again. I love this man, I enjoy our life together, but the amount of compromise has left me asking "is this it?" My career, my finances, my social life, and my lifestyle preferences come last in this family set up. Knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn't done it.

The best way I can help you is to encourage you to ask yourself these two questions:

1. If I know that it will be exactly as it is today for the next 10 years would I stay?
2. If I know that it will be exactly as it is today forever would I stay?

Take a deep breath, think hard, this is your life we're talking about. I wish you all the happiness there is.

He and his ready made family are not right for you; you and your independent self are not right for them. Cut and run, you'll both be happier in the end.

You and I are so incredibly similar. I decided at a young age that kids were not for me. I refused to date anyone that already had kids and strayed from those that said they eventually wanted kids. I, like you, feel the complete opposite about dogs (or even cats). My dogs are my the only kids I will ever had. I met my now husband when I was in college. After a few years of knowing each other (and after he divorced) we began dating. Our first summer together I almost ended it all right there because his son (7 at the time) was the most emotional kid I've ever met. He goes from one extreme to the other, cried over the smallest of things, has anger issues, and the list goes on. Camping with him and his 2 kids really made me realize this was not the life I wanted. But....

Of course I talked myself into staying because of how sweet and wonderful of a man my husband is. We've been married for over a year now, together for almost 5. We moved in together about 3.5 years ago. That was a game changer. Living with skids is completely different than visiting your SOs house and being around the kids. Keep in mind, you'll be judged non-stop by his family and friends for not being the "step-mom" (I don't identify as a step either) they think you should be. It'll cause issues.

If I could go back to our first summer, I would end it and never look back. No matter how great my husband is to me, he can't take away the pain that his family has caused me. The blame, the lies, the complete meanness....all because I don't fit their version of what a step mom should be, even though NONE of them have any experience with step-parenting. My husband has become great at putting our marriage first and having my back when his family attacks me. But at the end of the day, he still has kids that he will always have an obligation to. Nothing will ever change that.

I'm in my early 30s and I have no idea what to do in my life anymore. I had so many dreams of what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be....but I'm stuck with a house with a mortgage, a job that makes me unhappy, a place I can't stand to live, and people I have no interest in being around. I chose this life and I'm the only one that can get myself out of it. But it's not as simple as just leaving.

Think a lot about this before you take the plunge. If you live together first, do not buy a house. RENT! Make sure you have an out. Put yourself first. Trust me. Good luck.

This has been a really good conversation and topic. It's so ethereal and hard to describe. I don't think it's that we're so selfish that we have to come first all of the time, it's more like that feeling of being slowly chipped away. In little insignificant ways your self-worth just gets worn away like a river rock.

Who wants to complain about how yet again your suggestion for the scheduling was disregarded, how your standard of cleanliness is poopooed, how little (unintentionally rude) remarks get repeatedly ignored by the people who supposedly love you, how you feel like a guest in your own home? Who wants to tell their partner that they really don't want their 5'7" 135lb 14yo climbing in their bed between you at night to say goodnight (even though her intentions are sweet and affectionate)? NO ONE! But it just wears away at you.

I respectfully disagree with one remark by Babybugged, the only way to hold on to the scraps of your self worth is to disengage. This does not mean being disrespectful, it does not mean not enjoying the good times you have together (we have a nice time together sometimes), it does not mean that you don't like them at all, ever. It only means that you are not going to attach your happiness to how they behave, how they treat you, and to their development as people.

The skids and their relationship with their father is all consuming to them. Carve out your own happiness and treat it as sacred. I promise you he never will, not because he doesn't want to, because he just can't. I truly believed when I said "yes" to his proposal that I was finally going to have a place in his life. Had I known that I was still going to have to fight for significance in my household, that my feelings, needs and dreams were still going to only be defended by me, I don't think I would have done it.

The thing that keeps me going is that I love myself, I love him, and I even care deeply for his children (I want nothing but happiness and fulfillment for them); mostly though that I know that I can take care of myself and that I am perfectly capable of making my own happiness. I am not unhappy, I am only sometimes bitter, I am strong-willed but willing to be honest with myself about when I'm being selfish and self-centered.

The serenity prayer helps me a lot. I wish you luck and love and happiness.

One thing I want to add is that a lot of women in marriages even with children of their own or not divorced feel the way people are describing here. That's why I agree more with Notmom above. It is more about carving out your own happiness regardless of the circumstances with your DH or stepkids or kids.

There is something I was told today that never occurred to me. I am in your situation too. Exactly like yours. I am marrying into a family and my husband to be has a 17 year old living in the house and with disabilities...I never thought that I would find myself in this situation, yet here I am. And I am not ready. Yet, here I am. I am also expecting our child together...

BUT! Someone told me today that yes - it is on me to change the way I think about things, BUT it is also on him too. Because he is also making a commitment to ME and it is up to him to also make changes and to accommodate me and our life together as well.
You both have to mutually accommodate the way things are. I never thought of it this way, but it is true.
Now we are going to marriage counseling hopefully soon and I hope we can work on some plan for our future life together where not only I accommodate, but he too accommodates.

Please read what I just posted. The subject is "Feeling so much regret." I feel like what I wrote is an indirect reply what you posted here.
I would write more directly in response to your post, but I'm writing at my in-laws' house with my SS and husband in the next room. We're about to eat, so I don't have privacy. Hoping to be able to come back to your post.

Please read what I just posted. The subject is "Feeling so much regret." I feel like what I wrote is an indirect reply what you posted here.
I would write more directly in response to your post, but I'm writing at my in-laws' house with my SS and husband in the next room. We're about to eat, so I don't have privacy. Hoping to be able to come back to your post.

What a nightmare. I am in a LDR with my fiancé. We know we want to arrive together, but we recognized blending our family would likely destroy our loving relationship. We are 'waiting' but not waiting. I am owning my choice as a divorced mom of 3 and raising my kids myself. I appreciate the loving support, companionship, and romance that we have every day minus hell that full time step parenting appears to be. We see each other every month for a week to 10 days.. much like a long haul truckers marriage. IT WORKS. Its like a honeymoon every month. My kids have had plenty of time to warm up to him...its been almost 6 years. Everyone is excited to be together and we enjoy our time together. Its not ideal, but its been the best 6 years of my life! At first we thought it was the best decision for our kids, but we have come to realize, it has been the best way to preserve our love and enjoyment of OUR relationship. I would never recommend blending a family together. I say keep your own places and pace yourself until if feels completely natural to share that space full time. I am talking years. We are almost there now. Our kids are growing up, and its all falling into place. Its not always easy, but it better that being a lonely single parent, and better than hating the climate in my home. No one says you have to live together to be with someone. Enjoy the relationship with some built in space. You will be glad you did!