How would you/your SO handle this?
BM's dad passed away last month. BM gave SD a necklace that belonged her dad, SD brought it home (to our house). DH told SD he didn't want her to wear the necklace while she sleeps - it is long and he didn't want it wrapping around her neck or getting knotted in her hair - and she can't wear it while doing the sport she is in (no jewelry of any kind allowed), but she could wear it any other time.
Apparently SD forgot about the necklace. She hasn't worn it but maybe 1 time since she brought it home. It's her necklace, it's her choice to wear it or not, DH isn't going to MAKE her wear it. BM called last night and asked her if she's been wearing it, SD said no, BM asked why, SD told her (according to BM) 'Daddy said I'm not allowed to wear it. It might choke me.'
So of course DH gets a text from BM bitching him out for not letting her wear it and saying SD told her the above. DH told BM she is allowed to wear it any time she wants, just not while sleeping or doing sports, SD just hasn't worn it. This of course pissed BM off, and she went off saying DH wouldn't let her wear it because he wants to keep SD away from that half of her family, etc. etc. etc. Typical BM stuff.
SD was asked what she said, according to SD she said 'Daddy said I'm not allowed to wear it while I'm sleeping because it might choke me.' So, why did BM say you said you were not allowed to wear it at all? 'I didn't say that.' Sooooo.....who is lying? 'I'm not, I didn't say that.'
SD has a really bad habit of blaming other people. Like - Why isn't your room cleaned up? 'You put the hangers on the top rack and I can't reach them.' Why didn't you ask someone to get them, and what do hangers have to do with putting your toys away? '.....oh.....ummm......well it's YOUR FAULT I couldn't reach the hangers!' It somehow becomes someone else's fault every time. DH suspects that she didn't want BM to be mad at her for not wearing the necklace, so she threw him under the bus. Based on past experience with her blaming other people for things, I agree.
So, what do you think? Did she lie or did BM? How would you/your SO handle it? Punish her for lying? Let it go/don't do anything? Explain to her for the 753rd time that blaming other people for her forgetfulness/mistakes is not acceptable?
I would not assume, based on
I would not assume, based on the past, that she is lying this time. It could be that she didn't lie, and because it was BM's deceased father, BM stopped listening after hearing that her daughter couldn't wear it...
When the drop off takes place, I would have the SD tell her mom that she is always allowed to wear it except for the one logical exception that was told to her. Then your DH can let BM know to ask her daughter any other questions she might have about the misunderstanding. There is no reason for DH to play referee in a conversation that had nothing to do with him. It is likely to escalate if BMis anything like ours.
Good luck
>I would not assume, based on
>I would not assume, based on the past, that she is lying this time.<
Can I ask you something? Do you even HAVE children?
How do you punish someone who
How do you punish someone who you have no proof is lying? And why get into a hissy fit with BM over who said what? If the original believed by BM is the truth (Dad said I'm not allowed to wear it, I might choke myself)...well, that is what Dad said. SD just didn't go into details. Sneaky way of not hurting BM's feelings while tossing Dad under the bus, LOL.
Frankly if this necklace is so limited in it's wear-ability, and it's going to cause this much drama between the homes, why not just suggest putting the thing in a keepsake box on SD's dresser. When she misses Grandpa and wants to feel he's near, she can take it out and wear and/or hold it. I don't allow my daughter to wear necklaces to bed either. And no, jewelry is not allowed during sports via safety rules.
The talk between SD and her Dad should be abut how telling the truth is important. If Dad can't trust SD to be an honest person how could he trust her when she wants to start dating/driving (keep it on kid age level). It should also contain examples of how perhaps saying one thing to Mom and another thing to Dad could set-up undesirable friction in the households which of course is not only unfair to all the parties but also cause both parents to think SD is not trustworthy. Lying or omitting the truth is wrong and will not be tolerated blah blah blah. That he's disappointed in whatever said went down the way it ended up because it caused unnecessary trouble between the households.
Yes, SD may be lying and from here on out you know the possibility is there. SD has already now damaged your trust in her. Without proof of who is lying IMO SD gets this one benefit of the doubt. If this is the first of this type of experience you have little choice. But as you now know the girl is quite willing to toss you and/or Dad under the bus Dad does need to make clear to the kid bus tossing will not be tolerated.
Very well said! I appreciate
Very well said! I appreciate your input. DH hasn't really done anything at this point - it was bedtime when this happened, and DH didn't want to keep her up to talk about it or upset her when she should be sleeping.
BM said she wants the
BM said she wants the necklace back since DH 'won't let her wear it', so it is going back with SD at the next drop-off. I didn't say anything to SD, but it's really made me nervous having it here. It's something sentimental that SD will want to keep, and BM will want her to keep, and if it were to get damaged or lost or broken on our time we would never hear the end of it, and I would feel bad for SD to lose something like that. I can just picture one of SD's friends accidentally grabbing it and breaking while playing tag or something...If it were something that belonged to my dad (who also recently passed away) it would be a keepsake, not something to be worn on the playground.
Let me explain to you how
Let me explain to you how this scenario would play out in our home:
Step 1) SS's paternal grandparent passes away and he inherits an heirloom
Step 2) SS brings it over to our house, wears the heirloom once or twice and then loses it.
Step 3) Even though it was explained to SS how important the heirloom was, SS does not giv two sh*ts about it and makes no attempts to look for it.
Step 4) SS's Dad asks where it is. SS says he lost it. SS's Dad asks why hasn't he looked for it. SS answers "Because Mom and Drac0 never asked me to."
Step 5) An enraged father calls DW and chews her ear off (Like this is somehow her fault)
Step 6) DW answers, "If you are so concerned over SS losing stuff you give him at our place, don't give him anything at all!".
Step 7) *Click*
This is not a great mystery.
This is not a great mystery. Kids say whatever gets them out of hot water in that incident, regardless of who it is going to hurt. She can't remember to put it on/take it off, and what Daddy said keeps her from wearing it, because otherwise she would have it on all the time. Mom should have just asked Dad what the deal was instead of jumping all over him. This is the mistake most split parents make. They go by what the kid says instead of thinking logically and rationally. The girl will keep blaming and lying until she is called on it EVERY single time.
SD is telling the adults in
SD is telling the adults in her life what she thinks they want to hear.
You laid out the rules in your home regarding when she was not allowed to wear the necklace. She has not broken that rule.
You can't PROVE she lied to her BM about it. BM shouldn't have any say in how you run your home or the rules you enforce. I could see clarifying with her exactly what you told SD, but you are not the victim of the lie; BM is. Let BM decide if/how she will punish SD for lying to her .. since she is the one with the insight as to what actually happened.
This is all unnecessary drama. I wouldn't punish SD in this case; and I would be sure to send SD back to BM with the damn necklace.
I agree but I would also
I agree but I would also enforce with SD that the reason she is being questioned is because you guys KNOW that she lies and tries to pin the blame on others. If she always told the truth, it wouldn't even be in question.
Yup .. "SD, since you can't
Yup ..
"SD, since you can't be trusted to tell the truth all the time, I am telling BM exactly what I told you regarding the necklace, which is that you are not allowed to wear it in bed or to sports. Any punishment she doles out if you are found to be lying is up to her, but you should be aware that if the situation were reversed, this behavior would not go unpunished in our home."
This particular situation
This particular situation falls in the bounds of who cares IMHO. However, I would let SD know that if she did not have a history of lying that her word would not be doubted.
BM is being a toxic idiot on this issue IMHO.
Who cares who is lying? BM is
Who cares who is lying? BM is a shit stir-er she's raised daughter to be one too most likely. Forget about getting to the root of origin of shit. Just shrug say, you may not wear it when sleeping or playing sports. I'm your dad. My job is to keep you safe.
I so have had this with my step kids BM. Ugh. So done with it. I feel for you.
Btw how old is step daughter?
SD is 8, which is still that
SD is 8, which is still that age where they don't think about consequences as much as they should
I think the reason this is bothering me is because if she'll lie to BM about a necklace (IF she did lie), what else will she lie about? Is she throwing DH under the bus for other stuff? Is that going to cause problems for DH in the future? I'm a major worrier....obviously....
And yes, BM thrives on starting drama. Unfortunately SD is following in her footsteps a bit - so far not nearly as bad as BM, but we have yet to hit those dreaded teenager years.
I can tell you the answer to
I can tell you the answer to that, YES, she is throwing her father under the bus in other situations. Kids will tell Mom what she wants to hear when they are with her, and will tell Dad what he wants to hear when they are with him. Kids in intact families do it, and it's exponentially worse when the parents don't communicate and only want to blame the other parent for the child's shortcomings.
I tried to tell my bf this, but he still believes his son 100% because he "knows" his ex is crazy and it sounds like something she would do. But that doesn't mean the child isn't exaggerating and using it to get sympathy and favor from the dad. For instance, don't dads just want to make up for the other sucky parent and let their kid get away with murder or buy them stuff because it makes the kid's life less sucky? Uh huh.
An 8 year old. Wow. That's
An 8 year old. Wow. That's young to be "in charge" of such a meaningful gift.
Our BM sent SD7 to school in
Our BM sent SD7 to school in "family heirloom" earrings. They were dangly earrings, heavy, with pearls at the ends.
When DH picked her up from school, one of them was missing. She lost her head and sent several emails (even threatened to sue him) because she thought he took it just to screw with her.
When the teacher sent an email about a week later saying he found what looks like an odd earring in SD7's cubby at school, BM didn't bother to apologize.
She has a history of doing things like this .. sending the skids with expensive or important things so she has a reason to call/email/text and harass the girls about it. It's PAS, if you ask me.
That's pretty much what I
That's pretty much what I thought! It's nothing expensive, but it is something her grandpa apparently had for years and I would hate to see her lose it or break it. If I were BM I would have kept it at my house for her to wear or look at when she wants, and then let her have it to keep when she is older.
We had a slightly similar
We had a slightly similar situation.
We told the kids if they did xyz chores around the house to help ME out when I broke my leg RIGHT after we married and moved in together that dad would do something special with each one of them separately. just the two of them. WhAtever they wanted. Each kid would get special one on one time with dad.
The chores were nothing crazy. Clearing the table before a meal. Sweeping the floor when asked. Doing a load of towels.
Their mother flipped the F out that I was turning them into my personal slaves and only letting them see their father if they did what I made them.
Exs MUST demonize their former partners to rationalize in their own heads.
They feel emotions and must justify their emotIons by making events fit their emotions. . . Oth erwise THEY APPEAR CRAZY FOR HAVING EMOTIONAL REACTIONS THAT DON'T FIT THE EVENTS.