How do I decide???!!!!!
I want to preface this by saying that I didn't really know where my specific problem belonged so I hope this is ok here. I am just looking for honest feedback but please refrain from being hurtful. I am feeling extraordinarily sensitive lately...
So I have been with my girlfriend for 15 years. I am also female. We aren't married and for that matter, even though we live together and share a room and a bed and everything, her entire family including her daughter and son have all been told we are just roommates and friends. (Before andbody says it yes OF COURSE I realize that a lot of them probably know better than that...it's my girlfriend who is in denial about that) So I guess I'm not really a step-anything. At least not that the kids are aware of. I have helped provide emotional and financial support for they're Mom and them and behind closed doors have tried to help my girlfriend make good parenting decisions. She didn't have a healthy upbringing and I did so I have always felt I could bring so much to the table. But she has also always had a difficult time taking my advice as loving or caring if the advice is to give tough love or discipline.
Fast forward to the problem. The kids are 19 and 17. The 19 year old daughter is a very good young lady. She has a job and pays for a lot of her food and some of her bills so at present I don't mind that she still lives at home. She is respectful and mature. The son is 17. Already dropped out of high school and we are having severe behavior problems with him. He uses drugs and won't work and is constantly disappearing from the house and then contacts my GF late at night for rides back home even though he always somehow manages to find a way to get where he wants to go. Perhaps the worst of it all is that he threatens her and calls her hideous names when she isn't doing whatever he wants her to do.
I don't want to live with EITHER of these kids forever. I told my GF that in the beginning of the relationship when I was first seeing signs of bad parenting.(For lack of knowing better...my girlfriend is really the sweetest, most generous and well-intentioned person I've ever met)I would explain to her then and over the years how giving them everything they want all the time and never giving out discipline or never having there be any consequences for they're actions was going to create a situation where they are so content at home that they never want to leave. They never had to do any chores or had any responsibilities either so I would tell her they are never going to become independent.
Somehow in spite of everything the daughter seems to have at least followed her mom's example. Me and my girlfriend both work incredibly hard at our respective jobs and we work a lot of hours. We have set a responsible example. So I believe the daughter will be ok. I think she will want to get out on her own eventually. I don't see the son going ANYWHERE!!! He has made comments recently about wanting to move into the basement (something my GF would have to pay to have remodeled for that to be possible) so he could have his friends here to party. He is just looking for a way to make his party life easier(I will fight against her on picking him up and sometimes she will give in to me and her will be stuck figuring it out and now he wants a situation where he can take that problem out of the equation). He isn't thinking about working or getting out on his own or anything. I am scared to death.
What the hell do I do here? I have threatened to leave her so many times now because when I look into the future I do not see the kind of future that I want. Is it so wrong to eventually want to get to the next stage of life where we are on our own as a couple and these kids go out into the world on their own? Even if they were both total saints I would still eventually want this. I made myself clear about all of this from day one and I was assured "they're not going to be around forever". This is the only thing that EVER causes us to disagree and fight. I don't want my beautiful relationship to have to end over somebody else. But I will not be happy in the long run if this never changes. What would you do or how would you decide? When she is doing what I tell her to do (I will tell her how I believe she should deal with each particular situation and why it would be beneficial to everyone involved to do what I am saying) I still manage to feel like a jerk and a dictator because I sense that she is only doing it to appease me when really...shouldn't she want this for herself? Like shouldn't she want to do what it takes to get a better outcome? To teach him something? To show him that she won't be walked on and used by him forever? I am so confused....Thanks for reading. 
Does disengaging even apply to a situation like this and if so ...how?
Yes disengaging applies
Yes disengaging applies exactly to your situation. That way she’s forced to parent or not parent. Eventually she will get sick of picking this kid up late at night, it may take time but you need to let her deal with them. Threatening to leave never works unless your prepared to follow through. I’ve kickrd my dh out before now over his kids it didn’t work he just exactly the same if not worse. The osd doesn’t sound like a problem and the ss sounds like he’s not going to change until he grows up a bit. The gf needs to give him boundaries and if she’s not prepared to do this then disengage . I feel sad for your situation because it’s like your relationship isn’t acknowledged but it will be plain for most onlookers to see your a couple.
There area several different
There area several different layers to your story, and I can tell you love your Girlfriend very much. But you must not sacrifice your own happiness. You have been nothing but honest from the very beginning, according to your post. That is where she has some work to do. Being "just roomates" in everyones eyes, gives you zero authority, and confines you to the sidelines in perpetuity. Your advice, taken to appease you, well, it sounds like you need to back off and disengage. It really does work, because in the long run, these are not your children, you are not the parent, and any advice that she does not take, will cause conflict.
But taking a step back. If you are honest with yourself, do you see this working out in the long run? If yes, then you also need to back up your words. If your threats of leaving are not backed up by action they mean nothing. I have seen others here who leave, and simply have another separate residence, but keep the relationship. The SS 17-going-on10, why should he leave? Its apparent that she is not giving him boundaries, and when she does he always finds "loopholes". This dynamic will not be changed by YOU and your advice.
My advice is to think about how to separate yourself from the situation in a manner that you can handle, because she is going to keep the status quo as long as things remain the same between you two.
Thank you so much for taking
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!!! Yes it used to hurt that the relationship isn't acknowledged but then I realized that one or both of these kids would have probably hated and resented me. I guess I never thought of the possibility that she might get sick of the crap on her own if I'm not always trying to control the situation. I do that out of fear I suppose. I just want a normal life!!! The rides late at night is only the tip of the iceberg. He asks her for $20-$40 dollars a day(I know it's for drugs) and until I started threatening to leave if she continued to give it to him she just gave in! I tried disengaging(didn't know it had a name at the time)and got off her case completely to try to trust her to do the right thing and she was so relieved and he got his way constantly! }:) I will give it another try though. What else can I do right? I really did try to leave once but she literally blocked the bedroom door until I calmed down because she knew deep down it wasn't what I wanted. Has your situation improved at all depressedme?
All you can do is try if she
All you can do is try if she keeps giving in the ss this isn’t as fault this is yours gfs inability to set boundaries. It took me a while to realise this with my dh. My situation got worse after he tried to enforce boundaries and he got the pushback so he did a complete 360 on me. The resentment just built up and up. We are at the point now where he will be leaving soon I’ve just had a hysterectomy and I got no support from him. The marriage is over as I can’t live with someone who puts an adult 26 ur old needs before mine when I needed him post op.
depressedme, wow...I'm so
depressedme, wow...I'm so sorry! This is what I don't understand! I remember this one time many years ago when GF told me "my kids come first". I just said ok...I understood. I remember being very hurt though. About a year ago during some argument we were having about SS I told her to go ahead and keep putting her kids first and she would end up alone. Your kids will always be your kids no matter what right? But your partner will not always be your partner if you don't put effort into making it stay that way. No matter how you raise your kids you will always have them but if your relationship is miserable(or you are alone and miserable)how can you give your kids your best self anyway? I don't get the logic about kids getting put before partnerships. Anyway I'm sorry if I'm being needy with the back-and-forth. I haven't talked to anybody about these problems besides my SO and it feels good to discuss...
No need to apologise. My
No need to apologise. My situation is extreme and I’ve put up with a lot from sds.
Do you contribute financially to the relationship? If gf is giving ss $40 a day maybe she will run out of money it does sound like a drug issue and she’s enabling him. I’d take a step back , tell her how you feel calmly and honestly and then step back. Try it for a month for example and see what happens. It may make you feel worse and disengaging isn’t easy especially when you can see the manipulation personally I found it hard to shut my mouth at first now I see what’s going on and laugh.
Like last night he drove 20km to osd house as she needed milk and her dh had her bank card lol. Soon that will be his life full time funny he couldn’t do that for me his wife.
Like I say try it for a month you don’t need to tell her and head over to disengaging forum lots of helpful posts. Also the basement thing would bother me if your not being included in decisions like that. That stuff you don’t disengage from . Your not a roommate your her de facto partner so any basement Reno’s should be a joint decision unless of course reading through the lines it’s her house her rules??
You are in an equity life
You are in an equity life partnership and that makes you an equity parent to any children in the relationship home.
Your GF needs clarity on this.
The secret squirrel stance that she has taken on your relationship makes it that much harder to address this situation effectively and in a way that will work for everyone. As you describe these young adults.. the daughter has earned the right to stay the toxic son goes.
At least that is how I would address the situation.
Good luck and take care of you.
Well I am gonna guess your
Well I am gonna guess your STBXH will be sorry when that is his full time life. I am so sorry you're going through such BS.
But she is a very considerate partner overall. She is caught between a rock and a hard place I guess. I just never would want to ask her to choose between me and the SS but I would hope that, just for herself!, she wouldn't want this punk around forever. We know for a fact he smokes weed because she has found and confiscated weed and bongs and pipes. We just don't know what else he may be into. The confiscations resulted in some ugly threats and verbal abuse. He is either a sociopath or on some harder stuff in my opinion.
To be honest GF has never made me feel as though I can't have a say-so about things..it's more like I can sense that when she doesn't like the advice she resents me for it silently and sometimes takes it and sometimes doesn't. It may well depend on which will be the bigger fight...the one she will have with me or the one she will have with him. Yes I contribute financially. I have been assured the basement thing isn't happening but then again I have seen him get his way numerous times on things that she was originally hell bent against giving him. If he kicks up enough dust it happens.
Anyhow thank you for taking the time for a stranger. I will try disengaging again only this time perhaps I will just tell her if I don't ask about him, she should also not discuss him with me. That was where it derailed last time is I stopped talking to her about him but when she opened those conversations with me it made it hard to stay uninvolved.
People are dropping dead left
People are dropping dead left and right around here for drug use: heroin, oxycodone, fentanyl, etc. I've never known anyone who would spend $40/day on pot. A good friend of DD's past away shortly before Christmas, that one hit close to home.
And having hard drugs in your home is putting all the adults in your home at risk of arrest if the cops should need to come in for any reason.
In your shoes, I would call the cops if I found any drugs or paraphernalia in my home. It is the right thing to do. Let the chips fall where they may.
Furthermore, you should raise your proud, gorgeous, lesbian head high and take your rightful place beside your mate.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr Seuss
simply disengage from any one
simply disengage from any one who does not respect you and this includes your GF... she has no respect for you Hon, cause she's hiding you in a closet and not telling her family the truth.
I would confront her and ask her why? I would ask straight out... are you simply using me for financial support, cause to me it looks that way.
Put the children aside for a bit and start working on her, she's the problem here, why is she not honest about your relationship?
I would simply give her a month to tell the truth or it will be over, as a gay person you had difficulty coming out and telling people, people mught have treated you different when you first came out, why are you allowing this woman to put you back in the closet?
I did have those feelings for
I did have those feelings for a long time about the closeted relationship.
I really appreciate what you said acratopotes. But I made the decision about 2 years in when I realized it was going to be this way that she was worth it. THIS was one thing she was honest about up front and I could accept it or move on. She will not tell her family because they simply would never accept it. I agree with her that when all the truth can do is hurt people and ruin things between people that there is no reason to tell them. That wasn't easy to come around to...no. But my entire family does know because they are open-minded and non-judgmental so it's not entirely a closeted deal. We just feel that it doesn't diminish what we have to keep it from certain people. But again...thank you for the recognition of the struggle because it has not come without its difficulties! And she has always been the bigger bread winner. She doesn't need me for financial support. I help because I love her and I want to. I just wanted anyone who read this to know that I am certain I am not getting used. Either one of us would be completely fine on our own financially but we want this to work. We have put a decade and a half of our lives into this. I will disengage and report back after the month period of time suggested to me as a good trial period! Fingers crossed we ALL can navigate our situations to a satisfactory and even happy conclusion!!!
Hon... wake up, if she really
:jawdrop: Hon... wake up, if she really loves you she will be honest about it, then you can get married, her family will come around eventually and those who does not well eff them..... seriously why are you prepared to live in a closet relationship, half of them already know deep down that you are not simply room mates, they just need to hear the truth.
Of and being together for 15 years, invested to much in the relationship? I broke it off with my SO after 14.5 years, cause I was not prepared living like he wanted me to live, I have the SD from hell... the day she assaulted me physically, I went to the police and filed a report, SO was upset and agreed with Aergia(17) and BM, if I do not pull back the report then I'm not allowed at the house anymore..this is a house I owned 50% off, still does..
I simply looked at SO, removed my stuff from home and ended the relationship, put the house in the market, I do not care how long it takes to sell, I'm out....(by this time we lived apart for 5 years already because of his brat, thus I had another place to stay) 2 months later SO came begging me back.... I made it clear... police report will remain, house will be sold, I will be his first priority and he will put me above his Ex, if she fears for her child's life her child can go and live with her... SO agreed and well Aergia moved out last month...
I was not prepared to put my life on hold any longer, I made it clear, I invested 15 years of my life in the relationship, if I don't get a return quick... I will find another investment.... SO understood that quickly lol, do not waste your life Hon,
This is probably going to
This is probably going to sound rich coming from me, coz I just had a major meltdown with my husband last week during which I threatened divorce for the first time. But in my defence, it was our first quarrel (about his entitled grown-up 30-something-year-old children) that we'd had in almost two years. For the most time, I am quite sensible, I swear!
But seriously, @SAFjh ...
It might help if you imagine the position your GF is in. She's literally caught in the middle of a civil war between yourself and her son. She loves you both so it's hard for her to make a stand and take sides no matter what the bald facts are. As the older, more mature party, she expects you to be more understanding. That's the unfortunate position us "second wives" often find ourselves in with regard to stepchildren. We are expected to put up with ridiculous, untenable situations - and do so with a smile and zero complaints.
It's extremely difficult and very frustrating. A lot of us here completely understand. But - and I had to go through this thought process myself only just last week - we have to ask ourselves: what do we want? If we really love our partners and decide to stay with them, all we can do is make our unhappiness known, find a way to resolve our conflicts with our partners, and make the best of an unsatisfactory situation. (By making our unhappiness known, however, I mean laying down the law and making it very clear what is flat-out unacceptable to us.)
Meanwhile, maybe you and your GF can read some books on creating boundaries for adult children to help her deal with her junkie son. I just bought this and you might want to check it out: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Enabling-Your-Adult-Children-ebook/dp/B00L...
Good luck, and do keep us updated on whatever you decide!
PS. Just for the record? You sound like a wonderful, supportive partner and anyone would be lucky to call you their GF/wife loud and proud to everyone. #justsaying
Thank you, thank you, THANK
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! Thank you everyone! The support I am getting here in only a few hours is overwhelming and I cannot express my gratitude enough! Yes girls, it would be so lovely if I weren't a secret. I am half way lying to myself and to you about being totally OK with it but...give and take right? And I knew I was signing up for that part. *sigh* The thing I didn't see coming was my role in this very bizarre situation. I actually still don't know what it is I guess...
I have had to call the police on SS. It went over like a lead balloon of course but GF didn't throw me out or even chew me out. What it did do was de-escalate a very ugly situation and things have never got that crazy around here since that night because he knows Mom's friend will do what she has to do to protect the other people living here. So I know how involving the authorities feels Acratopotes. That's the thing though...I am the only person in the house he shows any respect to.
Tigerlily74,
I loved what you had to say and I don't just mean the kind words. I am always trying to put myself in her shoes and realize how hard it must be. That's why I am being so proactive to find a solution for us. I hate myself when I start telling her how she should be handling any given situation because I feel like a tyrant. I am really only ever trying to help but I can tell I'm forcing her hand and I hate that!!! When I do think about leaving it isn't entirely selfish either. I really don't want either of us to be unhappy. There has to be a way!!! Anyhow...thank you all again. I am feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time just from getting support and feedback from other people who know the struggle!
@SAFjh: Oh, the advice you
@SAFjh: Oh, the advice you get here is priceless. Everyone has battle scars and we all know the struggle. You've come to the right place!
There are so many fronts from which I understand your story. Apart from the whole "second wife" position we are in, my husband's sister has lived with her "friend" for at least two decades and, while the husband's family are super religious and very socially unaware, it's patently clear to me that she and her "friend" are a couple. (Duh. So obvious.) And on top of that, we had a junkie in the family and I know how painful it is calling the cops when the junkie is high, but it has to be done and it is for the best in the long run.
Yeah, I know what you mean by feeling like a tyrant. Last week, I had to lay down the law with my husband and tell him IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that he is not to pay for his grown-up 30-something-year-old children's bills any longer. I literally had to say: okay, paying for meals and small presents are okay (gifts subject to my approval) but NO BILLS. I felt like a control-freak but, hey, it worked. He agreed to my terms and both of us feel better now that the lines have clearly been drawn.
Seriously though, read the book together. And I mean, together! Like, aloud. And stop and discuss wherever appropriate. It is not only educational, it also builds mutual understanding and brings you closer in dealing with the problem. So neither of you feel alone in this situation. I know it sounds nerdy, but I do this with my husband and I highly recommend it.
Good luck, good luck and good luck!
Tigerlily74...no it doesn't
Tigerlily74...no it doesn't sound nerdy at all!!! We love to read together so I am looking forward to doing this! Good for you for laying down the law on the 30 somethings...that is what I totally fear we are headed for if these young adult kids even leave the house in the first place! And of course I won't have it but God knows how I don't want to have to be the one who puts a stop to it either. I want GF to WANT independent and successful happy kids. She tells me she wants it but she just has faith that everything will work out right without thinking she needs to do anything to steer them in that direction. She acts as though she could lose their love or something if she displeases them. It's so confusing to watch it.
If I may ask a personal question...Does your husband do those things for his grown kids out of guilt or anything? Thanks again girl!
@SAFjh: Eugh, YES. I think he
@SAFjh: Eugh, YES. I think he does it out of guilt. The divorce was forced on him by the Ex-Wife so I think he felt powerless to prevent what his children had to go through. The thing is, his two elder children SS34 and SD31 totally know how to play him. Ever since we got together about five years ago, they've withdrawn their love and communication which makes him crave it all the more. So every time they *do* call upon him, he bends over backwards to accommodate them.
It's the worst with his daughter. She's an entitled brat and she knows how to play him so that he paid for motorcycle lessons and, two weeks ago, her damn dental bill. Girl, you have your own husband, and if both of you can afford to go to Bible College together while having a baby, then you can jolly well organise your own finances so you pay your own dental bill. I was totally livid when she crooked her finger and my husband rushed to play taxi driver and human ATM. I didn't talk to him for days, and finally laid down the law: NO BILLS.
I was sad to play the divorce card, but it woke him up and he finally realised I meant business when I said I'm not growing old with him if it meant paying for his kids' bills and pandering to their whims and fancies. Just because he feels guilty. I have seen what supporting an entitled child (my almost 50yo brother) has done to my own parents' finances and retirement life, and I refuse to put myself in the same position. So, yes. I completely identify with your situation. Your GF has to realise how destructive entitled children can be! And yes, she has to take steps to address it now. Not just wait and cross her fingers that her son will suddenly turn into a responsible adult. Parenting and conditioning are key! Good luck
SAFjh... I very rarely post
SAFjh... I very rarely post on here but your situation is pretty similar to how mine was a few years ago. My partner & I have now been together for 11 years (both female). She has two adult children SD37 & SS31. SD37 has not really been a problem until the last few years but she lives a distance away and keeps her distance and her drama to herself largely.
SS31 only managed to launch 3 years ago and I cannot describe the hell that his living at home created - drugs, alcohol, stealing, refusing to work, bringing strangers he picked up in bars home, moving his new 'partners' in within days!! My SO had never set boundaries - guilty mother. I had always said that I would not come between her and her adult kids.
There is light at the end of the tunnel - I have taken so much of the good advice that I got here and shared a lot of that with my SO such as setting boundaries, letting her know that I would disengage from his nonsense and somehow managed to convince her that she was hurting him by not parenting him firmly - that it was stunting his growth into being a fulfilled and independent adult.
To cut a very long story short - he ended up moving out very shortly after he and I had the most awful row - I think he expected to be able to shout me down as I am usually very quiet but he had underestimated the impact of years of crap - so I lost it!!
Fast forward 3 years and the turnaround has been remarkable - he is now settled with a partner, works very long hours in a really decent job, phones his mother every day to see how she is and provides support to her and now behaves like a decent adult who I quite like (we get on well now).
My partner also sold the old family house and we went into a rental for a year before buying our home and setting it up so that if worst comes to worst either one could have somewhere to stay for a while (but never move into for the long term). This has broken the old patterns of behaviour where they felt that they had an equal say in the family home - SO has taken the power back and we have set our boundaries.
Hope that helps a little
Ok...I'm going to lose my
Ok...I'm going to lose my cool already!!! I am on DAY ONE of disengaging and it is NOT going well for me! GF on the other hand is very relaxed and happy today. I feel like crying from frustration! Is this really going to work? What if she is the type of person who just NEVER gets sick of anything he does because she loves him and she feels like she deserves to get treated like crap by him? Has anybody ever seen disengaging backfire completely from what it is intended to do? I am racked with anxiety right now...
Thanks for tigerlily and fluff's comments! If I don't have a heart attack from this hopefully it will make me stronger!!!