Hello I'm new! I feel like I'm going through life backwards and I'm always in the wrong
Hello everyone
I am new and from the UK, are there any other young female childless step parents on here?
I am 28 , engaged and have been with my partner for 4 years, he has a 6 year old daughter who I met when she was 2. She is with us in the week up to 4 days overnight and it's getting to the point where I feel I have no space or quality with my partner. He is a completely doting dad and would have her 24/7 if he could and this neediness is sometimes very difficult for me. I suffer from frustration , jealousy and resentment on a constant basis.
The other thing is that his ex partner (excuse me I still need to get to grips with the abbreviations on here!) got a new boyfriend a few years ago that majorly upset our routine by him being jealous of my partner and thus told him he could not see his daughter 'whenever he wanted' and would have to stick to set days that suited him. This news made us both very angry and him very miserable so I offered to pick my bf's daughter up once a week and also take her in to pre - school (which is now school!) a few times a week. 2 years down the line I am finding this routine too much as stepdaughter is very stroppy and has regular tantrums that I just don't seem to be able to deal with anymore. Her mother is lazy and negligent and I think stepdaughter is acting out because she doesn't get the attention from her mum.
I am at the point where I regret taking on so much extra responsibility and have told my partner things have to change. He has since been quiet and questioning whether I do really love him. He knows I took too much on now but I think he is bitter that it took me 2 years to speak up and now he and I feel we are moving backwards because my relationship with stepdaughter is not great. She loves me but I feel cold toward her because she tests me and has her dad wrapped around her little finger. No one can see what a brat she can really be because people just see how cute she looks. I feel at a loss and frustrated.
I love my partner dearly and would marry him in a heartbeat if it wasn't for this issue. HELP!
WELCOME! And welcome to
WELCOME! And welcome to stepHELL!!
I'll break out my "red flags" list that I included in my book (more than one? RUN!!):
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
Hello! Yes unfortunately the
Hello!
Yes unfortunately the child was pandered to heavily through her younger years and is quite needy and over affectionate. She also cries all the time especially when not getting her own way. I find the crying and tantrums anger me the most, as well as her being incredibly fussy about eating and her 'death stare' faces (that only I ever catch her doing!!)
boyfriend tries to convince me she loves me but I feel she sees me as a maid, a gateway to seeing daddy and the woman who takes her horseriding. At first I was proud that I had taken on a 'mothers role' as her bm cant wait to cart her off to us because she's soooo lazy and had a baby at 16 so feel it's now 'her time to live' and I am here picking up her sloppy parenting. I have taken on way too much. It upsets me that I let it get this far and time is running out for me to meet someone (I feel) I am fed up of being resentful, angry and in competition with a 6 year old. I'm not sure if I'm hoping to get over it or whether I want to be stronger and think with my head! Rant rant rant!
Unfortunately, you have two
Unfortunately, you have two choices. Learn how to deal with it better, or move on. Chances are it will only get worse. The only thing you can control is your perspective and how you react to all this. You can't change him or his daughter, and if you try, they will both resent you. You are young enough to find someone to start a life and family together. I am older and have two kids, bf has 3. I learned the hard way in my marriage that sm life is not for me. So we maintain separate homes. That is another option, but only if you don't want your own kids one day. If I were you, I'd move on. I was 27 when I married and thought I had life figured out. Looking back, I wish I had run. Good luck!
Thank you for your honest
Thank you for your honest advice, it's probably the only useful bit i've heard in a while, though your story made me sad
separate homes? It's really got me thinking.
I am worried because we have a mortgage together and I love my home, and I worry if I leave I will get too old to have children or I may not find love like this again. It's all very heartbreaking
You are only 28. Your
You are only 28. Your biological clock isn't even CLOSE to time to stop ticking!
Don't stay just because you think that you won't find someone else. I'd rather be lonely than miserable...how about you?
I'm in the same boat but the
I'm in the same boat but the difference is that I am 35. I am engaged and I second guess sometimes if staying is the right thing. I understand about the worry about being able to have kids though too, but I have a lot of years on you.The ONLY reason I stay is that my Fiance is really understanding and he does not stick up for his son. If I didn't have him completely in my corner I would have already been gone. I lost my job and my house because of taking care of his kid. I feel bad for my Fiance because his ex left unexpectedly and he has no help with his child. It's a tough, tough situation! I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy!
How did you lose your job and
How did you lose your job and house? That sounds awful!
I have had a few days break from looking after SD6 this week, but this morning I took her in to school. She told me her mummy needed a break so was having the whole weekend off from seeing her. This made me so mad!!!!! feel boyfriend will look at me to say 'come on we can't let the mother screw her life up' BM has 3 days straight with her daughter (even though she is at school, and her BM works full time!!) she is already stating it is too much and having a long weekend to herself. I am fed up being here to pick up the pieces for her bad parenting. The woman looks at me like a free childminder / nanny and I am desperate for her to take some responsibility for her child and stop palming her off with us at every opportunity but treating us like shit in the process.
Boyfriend is a great dad and would love to her have as much as possible, is it a crime that I'm saying we need an occasional weekend without her there for us to be a couple? I feel I get very rare quality time with him and he feels guilty about going on holiday without her!!
If I'm honest I thought when I said to him last week that I can't have SD on my own so much and I am stressed that he would break up with me, but he does love me and had been surprisingly understanding (if quiet and a little bitter) but he knows if I wasn't with him he wouldn't have had even half the raising time he's had with her since she was 2!
He said a few nights ago he wanted to just run away and get married and I made a joke about him wanting to tie the help down, which didn't fly well with him!! But sometimes that is how I feel.
I feel so so torn, I love him dearly and he only tries his best to make it better, I feel much the same as you do (except he doesn't take my side all the time). If he was to say it's my way or get out I'd know what I'd need to do. I think before we bought a house together I might have actually tried leaving by now. It just tears me up inside to think I will be leaving the man I love and have to sell our lovely house and I feel somehow by leaving the SD I will inherit really bad karma? I've had a life full of bereavements and unlucky in love and this has somewhat made me fear the worst for myself if I leave!! I'm also terrified and think it will push me over the edge if I am forced to move back in with my mother!! Do I need strength to leave or strength to get over these obstacles - I wish someone could tell me what my path is
You have had some very good
You have had some very good advice here....I would run too but maybe you can get your beloved bf to see things from your perspective by introducing what I believe occurs in these situations....and men just dont pick it up...
BM is possibly a manipulator and her 'golden uterus' status makes her actually feel she can run you and your bf life through the child by demanding the world revolves around the little girl! Your bf obliges as he is the biodad but if he really cared for the little girls future well being, and her ability to one day coexist in an adult world, he needs to stop this. currently it appears to me that both these bio parents are allowing this child to believe she is the centre of the universe - and that will be messing with her brain...evenutally at around 10-12 she will no other way to live...so ACT NOW.
Stop the rot and parent the child....tell the bf that you need to set some rules in your home for the sake of the child...and not to mention how it will assist your relationship/sex life (men listen wen you say sex)
Tell bf that bm has been manipulating him for too long...and its time both him and you take back the reins. dont go in for the kill and make too many adjustments at first...just start little by little....
If BF cant accept that BM is interfering in your relationship too much by demanding what he does and using the child for her excuse..then ask yourself - what futures is there??? If he cant plan a future between the two of you....cos eventually the child will grow up and have her own bf/husband...then leave....no use hanging around some idiot who only wants you as the mommy figure for his kid.
Sorry forgot to add: If BF so
Sorry forgot to add:
If BF so wants you to be the mommy figure in this childs life...fine...but it HAS TO BE YOU AND HE THAT COPARENT....not the ex bitch BM....she can do her little single parent thing over at her house...but you two are coparenting the child as per BOTH OF YOUR IDEALS AND LIFE EXPERIENCES....dont go getting into the trap you have to parent the child as per the BM's ways...nope...she is gone and your bf and bm are DIVORCED..OVER NO LONGER HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER EACH OTHER....
and finally;
IF YOU DONT PARENT THIS CHILD...THEN THE CHILD WILL START TO PARENT YOU....guaranteed!
good luck