Failing marriage
I'm sorry I'm just finding this community now. I've been a second wife and stepmom to 2 teenagers for 6 years now. We also have a young son. Our dating life was wonderful together and so were the relationships with the kids. When we married things unravelled quickly. My mom passed away 4 months in my son was born soon after. In retrospect I'm certain I suffered from post partum depression. My husband was so unsupportive. He apologized for some of the more extreme happenings over the years, but the lot of it left me feeling firmly established as his last priority. I went from a single girl to immediately step mom of 2 then mom of an infant. It was all exhausting and overwhelming. I really needed him. We have primary custody and the girls see their mom once a week. The bio mom is the worst. She undermines me and my husband every chance she gets. His sister is married to her brother and lives out of state. Even still the complicated family dynamics have been made more difficult by a lack of boundaries ... ie we have to spend all visits with her parents/family also. We argue constantly about discipline. His kids are teens now and he's a classic example of guilty father syndrome. There is no discipline. Money grows on trees. The word no is nonexistent and I'm mean if not critical and emotionally abusive for ever doing the opposite.
Not all that surprisingly I became angry and resentful. I feel like I've never really had a place here. I begged him quite literally for years to include me... how lonely I feel here. All he hears is criticism. I don't know how to get past any of this. He's shutting down on me emotionally. I feel like the we in all of this has become a distant memory. I don't want a divorce, but I don't see a path forward here?
Things need to change
But it will take BOTH of you to do so. He needs to go to counseling sessions with you so you both can learn the tools you need. If he doesnt have your back, you are dead in the water, to put it plainly. You cannot make it work on your own. The tools I learned here, were invaluable and also helped me recognise that I could not do it alone, without the support of my SO. Now things arent perfect, but they are much much better and continue getting better over time.
But the same thing happened to me when I used to bring up issues with the children - all SO heard was criticism. So I had to disengage from one of his children, and learned the hard way how to keep the peace (after much arguing and such) SO has learned much as well and continues to back me up and provide the support I need, which is crucial. You can try discipling the childre, but because you are not the parent, they will push back on you. However, you must insist on being respected in your own home. And take control of the finances, if possible.
Him putting you last as a priority is definitely wrong and unhealthy - both for you and your child. You can explain to him that the world does not revolve around the children - what does he expect when they are 18 and considered adults? Who will be left when everyone else leaves to live their lives? Does he expect to be living with or taking care of his adult children? You may have to "hardline" on this. The adult parents need to make their union the first priority. The children need a stable home to flourish. He is preventing them from flourishing by making you last.
Start telling him what he SHOULD do, instead of what he ISNT doing. That might help.
Keep us posted.