Different standards
I have to admit life has come full circle for me in the last few years. I now have full custody of all of my bio kids. Daughter 13, son 14 and son 4. My wife has full custody of her son's 13 and 14. It has been a very trying 6 months for is and myself in dealing with different parenting styles. My son has a 4.0 gpa and is in 2 honors classes in his freshman year. My daughter has a 3.5 gpa and is already making new friends. Both of my older kids are not perfect and have there issues but I have way different standards for them than my wife does for her two. Ss13 has a 1.45gpa and ss14 had all D's and F's and she paid him $25 to raise them to c' and B's. I have learned to pick my battles and that's a battle I have given up on.
I have chosen to concentrate on my kids and make sure they are productive, respectable members of society. I have never met lazier more manipulative kids in my life. Bio kids do all there own laundry,can cook and son has a part time job. They do not have to be reminded to shower,brush there teeth or take care of their stuff. Step sons have to be told to do all that stuff every day. My wife and daughter get along good because I will not tolerate my kids to act disrespectful to her. I will shut that shit down in a hurry. I love her but I'm so fkin sick of being told I don't love her kids and that Iseemed frustrated and angry the last few months. I literally have had to disengage to a point of only acting like I care for the sake of my marriage.
I have been lurking the last few months and trying to apply some things I have read and for the most part it's working. I do have to be honest that I had a come to Jesus with myself and be honest that I love them but not like I do my bio kids. They both know how to manipulate their mom and get what they want and I'm not going to change it. I just don't understand how she cannot see it. All I know is getting sober and getting my career on track has so been worth it. Thank you to everyone on here for the responses i have got in the past and am looking forward to hearing from anyone that has an opinion on my situation.
hahahaha - Sir - I have a bio
hahahaha - Sir - I have a bio and a SD, I know I parent differently then SO, oh wait he does not parent at all, but I do not give a darn, his kid his problem.... I'm not responsible for the kind of adult she will be one day...
I will tell Deigma - do this or do that, behave or what ever, when younger he use to try and tell me, but Aergia can do this, I would simply look at him and ask, Well am I her Mother... no but I'm yours shut up and move.....
Then Deigma decided it's best to ask SO to go out in the evenings, and not tell me - Aergia at age 13 could come back at 2 o'clock in the morning, Deigma age 16 - 11pm ... one night Deigma did not come home, they both rocked up at 2am, I asked him WTF.. he said SO said 2am is fine... I grounded Deigma's ass for 3 months, saying - I'm your parent not SO, he has no right to tell you what to do...
SO heard it as well, I told him I have no right telling your daughter what to do or try and parent her, stay the hell away from my kid....
Now years later SO spends more time with Deigma then with his own daughter living with him, his family use to climb into me saying I should leave Deigma alone and I'm to strict, today.. they all love and praise him for the good man he is... and none of the In-laws want Aergia visiting them...
In short, disengage from skids, let them bully and manipulate their mum as much as they want, soon enough she will wake up and if she asks for help, laugh and say - sorry Hon I'm not their parent, but feel free to take tips from my parent book....
Yes…disengage and teach your
Yes…disengage and teach your kids to disengage. My DS and SS are the same age also. They had the same curfew. SS always broke his and no one said a word. My son used to get so mad. Lol. But I taught him that DH and I raise kids different and it is not our business if SS stays out all not or what. It took him a little bit but after a while he did not even notice what SS did not did not do.
And I cannot express this enough to you!!! Have an agreed upon plan with your DW about what happens after any of your kids graduate high school. Do it NOW. Like today or tomorrow. But don’t bring it up when fighting. Then bring it up every 6 months or so just to keep it fresh in her mind so she can’t say that the convo never happened and that her kid is going to live with you until he is 30.
Mine and DHs agreement was that kids could only live with us past HS graduation if they went to college full time and worked part time. If they did not do those things then they had to move out or go into military. Worked well for us.
FUSD, It sounds that you have
FUSD,
It sounds that you have landed in a good place for you and your own children. Sometimes we have to let those we love live out their poor choices. It will likely get far worse before it gets better with your own children moving on successfully and your Skids continuing to barely skid by or abjectly fail. When that happens your bride will need your support to help her grieve and move on as her kids continue to disappoint her into adulthood.
Good luck.
Thank you for the advice and
Thank you for the advice and opinions. I've been sober long enough(over three years) so the alcohol doesn't bother me. We tried doing a chore list but it seem that once again my 2 were the only ones that didn't have to be reminded. The hardest part for me as a dad is knowing I had no parenting when my parents divorced at 14yrs old. I got into a lot of serious trouble and by the grace of God I am here. I see the same hardships coming to my stepsons and it's like sitting at a stop light and watching a train plow a semi.Dont get me wrong I love my wife so much but her parenting is something to be desired. I'm done being guilted into doing things with stepsons. The last Tim I took ss14 to work with bio son 14 and I made him call his mom 15 minutes after we got there because he didn't want to put his phone up and work. She was upset but I told her he's here to work and won't so you gotta pick him up. I've come to the conclusion there not my monkeys so not my problem. Once again than u guys.