Desperately in Need of Guidance
So, technically I am not a step parent, not sure if that matters, but... I have been with my partner for approximately two years now, and we have been living together for one. He has a 3 year old daughter. Now, this daughter is not from a previous marriage... She was conceived approximately three weeks into a two month "relationship" with BM. In fact, BM got pregnant so quickly into things that he did not believe he was the father until he saw the DNA results. BM has two other older, also illegitimate, children. She has not worked in approximately 6 years. She is currently married, and a "stay at home mom" (nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, I just wouldn't call what BM does mothering).
Now, this doesn't sound too bad, right? There was no emotional connection, so it's not like BM is stalking me or accusing me of ruining their relationship (we got together long after the baby was born, although we had been friends for years prior). They weren't married, so it's not like he's paying any alimony or anything...
The problem is, I don't like BM, and I can't figure out if I like this child. BM represents, to me, everything that's wrong with society. (I acknowledge that I am being INCREDIBLY judgmental, but this is a forum to vent, and I sincerely apologize if I offend anyone, I just need to say these things out loud, because I have not really let them out at all.) BM has only a high school education, she does not work, she collects welfare and child support to support herself, and she has produced three children who will, most likely, amount to nothing more than a drain on society. I am still in my early 20's (BM and I are about the same age, she's a little older), and yet I have a college degree, am working 40+ hours a week, and HAVE NO CHILDREN. I know some of this is luck: I had parents that were educated and supportive, I was able to find a job in this economy, and my birth control didn't malfunction (lol), I realize I am not a better person than her and it's wrong to feel this way, but I resent that even a fraction of my boyfriend's money goes to support this woman and a child that was, quite frankly, a mistake.
I look at the child and think to myself how sad it is that this kid has no future (I know, not necessarily true). Despite the fact that BM is a "stay at home mom", all three of her kids have been placed in Head Start, the child does not know how to sit still and have a book read to her (she flips and rips the pages, and will not listen when you start to read), I'm pretty sure the child isn't meeting developmental milestones for speech and motor skills (although I'm not an expert), she won't eat healthy foods (only chicken nuggets and french fries for this little princess), and she knows more cartoon character names than numbers or colors.
I want to like this child, I really do. She is affectionate toward me, and spends lots of time following me around and seeing what I'm doing. I want to interact with her, and play with her, and teach her, but part of me feels like it's a giant waste of time, and the rest of me has no experience with children aside from a Child Development class (which, btw, mostly only works in theory). I want to read to her and teach her to read, and play with blocks, and cook her healthy meals, and sign her up for Waldorf schools, and the rest of the stuff my mother did for me and I assumed I would do for my own children, but I find myself being annoyed with her constantly. Even things I know are typical of small children (of course she can't make her own lunch, she's three) annoy me, and are causing me to question if I should even have children at all (maybe this isn't personal, maybe I just hate kids).
Another big part of the problem is that my partner only has his daughter for 8 hours a day, one day a week. I try to encourage him to fight for more frequent visitation but he either doesn't want to or is too scared of BM to try. He won't fight BM on anything, he won't hire a lawyer, he gets all upset and talks this big game and then does nothing. The thing that frustrates me the most is his daughter (who really is innocent in this, she can't help where she comes from) is the one suffering because of the environment she's growing up in. I'm afraid she's never going to know her father, and by the time she gets old enough to understand she'll be good and brainwashed by BM and think that her purpose in life is to have babies for welfare checks. In fact, BM went so far as to tell my partner that a report was filed against him with social services accusing him of sexually abusing the child (further investigation revealed this was not the case, no report was filed, but is this a preview of the future?!) It's really terrifying, because I work in the mental health field and I see kids like his daughter every day, I know what happens to kids who grow up in these environments, and I'm watching this helplessly and I can't make a difference.
My mother's advice to me is "run". I don't really know what to do, because I love my boyfriend very much, and I want the best for his daughter.
As a father, what rights does my boyfriend have? What kind of difference can we make in this kid's life? I want him to fight for more frequent visitation (ideally, I'd like to see joint or primary custody, but this state is not too big on father's rights, so I doubt that will happen), but is there any point?
I apologize for the length of this post, but it feels good to get these thoughts out. Any insight would be appreciated.
Listen to your MOTHER!!!
Listen to your MOTHER!!! RUN!!! Men have very little rights as regards their children in Western Society. Pardon the shameless self promotion, but read my book "The Guilty Parent Trap" on amazon.com (downloadable)
If you wish to always feel
If you wish to always feel second and support this guy in his payments for CS and legal fees so that you and any children you choose to have will be looked at as second rate to BM and her child by the courts?...then stay.
If not, listen to your mother.
THIS!!!! And don't forget
THIS!!!!
And don't forget being viewed as the ENEMY first by the BM, then by the skids and finally by the "love of your life."
First off, if SO doesn't want
First off, if SO doesn't want more visitation, don't push it. Unless you are willing to step up and raise this child while she's in your home, then stay out of it. It's his child, and if he is ok with only seeing her a few hours a week, so be it. Let him know that you'd support him if he decides he wants his daughter more, and leave it at that. It's not fair to anyone involved for you to push for it if you aren't sure you want to see it through.
Even though you only have her for 8 hours a week, you can still make a difference. Help teach her what you can, encourage her, and be a good role model. kids are sponges at that age. And while Headstart isn't a private preschool by any means, it is educational and its much better than sitting at home with bm all day.
As for her lack of interest in books, just keep trying. I read to my bs from birth and he showed zero interest in books until he was almost 2.5, and now (hes almost 3) he's a total book nut. Try pop ups, or other books that havean "activity" built in to get her used to sitting still to read.
i think you are being out of
i think you are being out of line in regards to the child she is three and who are you to say these children are going to be nothing! that i cant see or believe anyone would say out of hate or confusion of a life style... every child deserves hope and encourage ment! maybe that is way god had you enter this mans world... who knows... maybe you need to leave this situation and find yourself a man with no children because from the sound of it you really hate children... sorry to say these things and maybe upset you but i anm not going to sugar coat it for you because this is my belief nad my thought from me to you. I love children and I never blame a child for their bm behavior nor the less dont believe in them because of the life they were handed.... i try to better it the more i can when i am with them, try to teach them right from wrong, guide them.just saying-
GET OUT NOW....GO FIND
GET OUT NOW....GO FIND SOMETHING FUN TO DO AND DONT LOOK BACK....
Stay in this relationship and WE GUARANTEE YOULL BE MISERABLE...
Yeah sure there maybe some nice moments....but the law dont care about new wife, new life, and unless it changes....youll be miss second hand rose....
i know she wants to vent I am
i know she wants to vent I am just telling her my opinion.
This poor kid is stuck with 2
This poor kid is stuck with 2 idiots who do not want to be parents. At least mom put her in head start.
I'm wondering about dad's background. Did he complete college? Does he have a great career?
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the responses!
Intellectually I totally get why this is a situation I probably should get out of, but the emotional attachment to my boyfriend makes it difficult.
As for being out of line with regards to the kid, well, perhaps, and I certainly hope I'm wrong, but I also know that the number of children who go on to success from situations like hers is very small. It has a lot less to do with poverty or education (my dad came from a poor Irish Catholic family and went on to a blue collar job, he makes more money than my mother who has a Masters degree does, and he has an excellent work ethic) and more to do with what kind of lessons she will learn in her home. For example, the first lesson I take from BM is that I don't need to work, I can just have babies and the state will support me. When his daughter comes over she is always in grungy clothes that smell like they've been sitting in the washer for days (we all slack on the laundry, this is way beyond that). I've picked her up a few times, and typically I find her in front of the television.
I do volunteer work at a homeless shelter with children in addition to my regular job (which is all ages, but we work with a lot of kids), and so I spend every day seeing a lot of "bad" kids. What it typically ends up coming down to is parenting, and a lot of the parenting that makes that kind of negative impact is what I see BM doing. I'm also pretty sure BM didn't enroll the kids in Head Start, I think they were selected for early intervention (I could be wrong about that, though).
It does make me feel WAY better to see that a lot of other people had difficulty getting their children to show interest in books at first. I just thought she wasn't being read to at home (I've never seen a book in that house), so it's good to know it could just be her age!
As for my boyfriend, he does have a college education, and is currently in the process of applying for graduate school in addition to working full time. I think the problem for him is that he WANTS to be more involved, but he's afraid that any attempt he makes to get more visitation will result in BM somehow taking action against him in court. She frequently makes accusations to him, for example attempting to imply that we don't feed his daughter when she's at our house ("the baby's always hungry when she gets home") or saying that social services investigated when they never did (the sexual abuse allegation that never happened, see original post). I try to support and encourage him, but I get frustrated when I see him make these resolutions to not take BM's crap anymore and then just not do anything about it. I know he's scared to lose custody completely, and I worry that may be a possibility. On the other hand, he'll talk about buying a house and trying to take full custody (which I actually think would be wrong, his daughter should have a chance to know her mother, I would vote for a 50/50 split). Do I push him toward what he wants, or just stand back and let him vent?
It's a very frustrating situation, and it's complicated by the fact that I'm not sure what level of involvement I want to have. After all, this isn't my child, maybe it's also none of my business. It's hard to know what to do, especially since I really don't want to end my relationship. My stance so far has been I want to be a supportive adult, but not a parent. Maybe for now I will stick to that.
It's ultimately up to you.
It's ultimately up to you. This will be a much more challenging life if you choose it. The odds are not as good for a successful marriage when steps are involved.
Take a REALLY GOOD LONG HARD LOOK at yourself and find out what you want. Are you ready to give up having your husband be ALL yours? It's really painful stuff to give up esp when you're young and have never experienced these things.
There are a couple books that really helped me
The career girls guide to becoming a step mom
The smart step-family
And the smart stepmom
The last two are very practical but come from a Christian pov
Many on this site highly recommend the book stepmonster.
If you are going to do this read up on it and try to prepare yourself.
You are going to have let go of a lot of stuff. Your boyfriend is going to have to step up. But there's really not much you can do to motivate him if he's scared.
It sounds as though she has full custody, not an easy thing to change. There has to be something along the lines of abuse for a court to change custody, at least in our area. My best advice in regards to legal action is to consult the best family law attorney in the county your case would be tried in.
Divorce law differs so much between states but each judge tries each case based on his own set of ethics. It's important to consult with an attorney who knows the judges who will try your case to get the most accurate prediction for how it will go and what evidence you will need to provide.
Welcome...if you stay with this guy this site will be a great resource.
He better be worth it...when it comes to step families romantic love does not conquer all
Not your child, not your
Not your child, not your problem. That's what I was told when I came here and I thought at first it was really harsh.
However, after 3 years of marriage to a man with a crazy BM in his life, I have found it is the only way for us to stay together happily.
We have this image of a blended family being like the Brady Bunch or something. In reality, we are two families trying to live under the same roof and sometimes, it's just awful. If you can detatch and keep living the life you want to live, so much the better. You don't need to suddenly become a child saviour just because your b/f made a terribly serious error in judgement 3.9 years ago.
I am nothing more than a friend to my DHs children. I care about them because I know them well. That's it. One of them has a serious eating disorder. I hate watching it sometimes but I remember the saying and I leave it to his parents to do what's right. They have a Mum and a Dad. Who do I think I am to try to be a Mum when they already have one?
Leave his relationship with his child where it belongs - in his hands. Let it go. The sad fact is that children are being raised in all different ways all over the world - many of them are in dangerous situations. Sit back and just watch for a while without any emotional investment in the outcome for the child. You might get a surprise what you find out. I have found that when I let go, things have a habit of working out better than I could have planned.