I totally agree with you Dannyelle. I think for the most part it is always easy to sit and want to be the bigger person. To try to do what is right for the kids sake. To put the kids interests before your own and all of that other jazz. I just feel that SOME situations do not benefit from that approach.

When I sat back and played the bigger person role I had BM AND my SKIDs attacking me on all levels. I had a BM who fed some pretty horrible crap to my skids about me. Because I was "the bigger person" and chose not to address those issues with the skids. In their eyes it only validated what BM was saying. By not defending myself against the many lies and slander justified everything that BM was dishing out. Now I would go behind closed doors and ball my eyes out and have a knock down drag em out argument with DH over the Psycho EW, but that did not change my skids from believing all of the lies that were spoken about me and DH.

We tried. Hell I tried. We bit our tongues for a little over 8 years. Count it 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. That's 96+ months, 2,920+ days not counting leap years, 175,200+ hours and 10,512,000+ seconds... Of being TORTURED by someone because I was trying to do what was right for the kids sake. Now I can't speak for anyone else but I think I gave it the old college try. I still have another 4 years with SD and 6 years with SS since they live with me. At what point does enough become enough? I truly understand and respect that many do not agree with the manner in which I handle things. That's fine. Do what works for you. If that means continuing to be trodded on by the BM then so be it. For me it was realistically no longer an option. I deal with chronic illness. It is one thing that I have to raise someone else's kid while they pretend like they have no responsibility or concerns with regards to them, but for me to sit idly by and allow her to disrespect me to make herself feel better!?!?!? Nope.

I didn't get a say in this matter of raising the skids. When I married BM had CP. BM took the kids to school one day and appeared in court for a hearing. The Judge ordered DH to pick the kids up from school and granted custody...without our asking. DH was only trying to get shared custody so that we could be more involved. It was a horrible situation for all involved because no one can know what it is like as a 5.5 and 7 year old to have your mom drop you off at school and your dad pick you up and now you are living with your dad and SM. Not only that but to then have your mother disappear and not even call you for over 6 weeks. My kids lived a horrible existence when they were with BM. I guess the good thing is that they have been with us so long and had it so good that they don't remember being homeless. They don't remember sleeping in a hotel for 2 months. They don't remember sleeping on someone's floor and being COVERED with ant bites. They have absolutely NO knowledge of that. BUT the minute BM came running back with all of her poison that ate it up. They were kids so I don't expect them to remember the horror that they lived and I am glad that they don't, but I don't believe that I deserve to be trashed because I nurtured them back to health and loved them like my own. Then when BM saw that she did everything she could to make my life a living hell...and she DID.

So, I don't mind doing what needs to be done for them. BUT I will not be disrespected and mistreated and slandered and all of the other crap that BM pulled and continue to keep my mouth shut. Since I have spoken up and put my foot down to the BM and the kids I have not had any major problems from the kids. Their "perception" of things changed once they saw that it wasn't all that BM had made it out to be. So, sometimes silence is not always the right way to handle it either. Would I have preferred that they never know or be involved? Yes. But I didn't involve them and keeping my mouth shut was not helping the situation.

I don't knock anyone for trying to go it a different way, but man do I have problems with folks telling others to be the bigger person. Maybe, just maybe they tried that and it got them no where. At the point where I broke my silence I had become depressed and was ready to walk out on my marriage and for what? BM is not worth it. My DH and Kids need me here and healthy because the reality is that even if I were not in the picture, BM would still not be a better parent. She only cares about her own selfish needs. Her own sisters, brothers and SDad will tell you that much. So, no the kids don't deserve to hear somethings, but they don't deserve to be neglected either.

I think many times when we blog we try to give the condensed version. Hell even with my CONDENSED version it is forever long. But it is nearly impossible to get all of the detail and history into a blog so that one can totally comprehend the magnitude of the situation. So, sometimes it isn't as simple as it would seem. Sometimes the more obvious choice or solution has been tried unsuccessfully. Whichever it is, it is difficult and maybe, just maybe other options have been exhausted and the post-er is now at self preservation. So for those who have NOT had the chance to deal with a REALLY CRAZY BM....Be grateful.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

Right you are. But sometimes and I am not saying it is the case often, but sometimes the NCP shirks any and all responsibility when they CAN be there. So, yea somethings are out of your control and should not be held against you, but some NCPs just do not live up to even the NCP standard. If you have EOW visitation, use it. If you are entitled to 2 weeks in summer. Use it. If you get EO Christmas or holiday...USE IT. I deal with a NCP that is entitled to EOW. She would rather forego regular EOW visits for a few hours here and there. So, when you have someone who just isn't cutting the mustard someone HAS to do the job. If you are a NCP and you are doing all that is required and then maybe even a little extra then no one can or should fault you.

Maybe I'm wrong but maybe sometimes the statements are geared more towards their own personal situation and not at NCPs in general even if it reads that way.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

I would assume that they get accused by the ex of not being a contributor. DH went through the very thing when BM was CP. Forget the fact that the CO said that he had EOW visitation from Friday to SUnday and we had them 3 weekends out of the month from Friday to Monday and still paid the $1k in CS plus any extras and were at every event that we were made aware of to show support. Funny thing is that many people would see us out and about with the kids so much they thought the kids lived with us but found it comical when BM would proclaim that DH was a deadbeat.

In your case BM can't speak ill about DHs parenting as she was not even willing or able to do the job herself...Her mom did. Sad!

Well as the saying goes....It takes all kind to make this world go round.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

MSloan yea I GOT that too. I figured it was from the drinking and blogging why it could have left you scratching your head and wondering if YOU'D had a drink or two. I did get a lil dizzy, but I think because I've seen so many "Be the bigger person," "Take one for the home team" and other responses of that nature I just felt that was what she was getting at. There have been a lot of fighting and I agree it has gotten to be too much some days. But I think the blog itself pushed a lil button because to ME that is what is was insinating. If I am wrong, I sincerely apologize. I just saw it as another keep the peace blog when actually no one was bashing or fighting yesterday...at least not to my knowledge.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

Did she have one too many margarita's and lose ya? You have to drink a little first, THEN read it! It will make perfect sense!

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"

I see it a little differently. If you are new and read a blog that takes on that tone I believe that we are all rational and sane and intelligent enough to say Whoa that's a bit out there. Every response is not going to fit every situation. I think to be on this site one needs to be able to weed through the posts to find what may work for their given situation as we all know that one size does not fit all here.

My button was probably pushed because I'd read so many "be the bigger person," and "at what cost" mumbo jumbo yesterday. Everyone was proposing something to that affect. Sometimes it just isn't as simple as that. I have been bigger for far too long and it hasn't really improved my relationship with BM. She still goes back and poisons my skids against us. She still tries to create chaos in my home. At some point a person has to stand up for themselves. And if that means no more BM at the house. No communicating with the BM. No playing her games so be it. It may not be the answer, but all of the years of trying changed little in our relationship so me NOT acknowledging her actually did improve things. I can't be accused of being the trouble maker when I am no where in the picture. I can't be accused of saying something when the kids KNOW that I don't say two words to her. And yes that means not even a HELLO. Civility does not work. I've had that woman gesture as if she wanted to fight me at SDs National Junior Honor Society's Induction Ceremony in a cafeteria FULL of other SDs peers and parents. :shocked: So even being in public places do not deter her. So AVOIDANCE is my only answer.

Each person has to figure out what works for them. And if they can't find it then they need to pose the question to the masses if they are indeed seeking a solution. I just really want to believe that the members are capable of doing that much. After all they were able to find the site in the first place. No hard feelings each person has to just find their own fit in the Step world.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

Honestly, if the BMs weren't horrible, then the person reading those "no communication with BM/don't let her in my house" type blogs wouldn't be here in the first place. If a SM hadn't already tried everything she could think of on her own, she probably wouldn't be desperately searching the internet for help, dontcha think?

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"

Exactly what happens here. Just not cool and no one needs the added stress of pretending when the kids KNOW what the real deal is.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

Yes Danyelle!

My skids would rather their parents not be in the same place because they know their BM will start an argument with DH over - god who knows!
They witnessed many many years of DH & BM fighting and would rather not deal with it anymore. I think they are most thankful I am here (well maybe not THE most thankful for this reason) beacuse DH and BM do not communicate anymore. DH put a stop to it because he did not want to expose me to their arguments.

Once again just proven why I love your insight. Plain and simple truth. The facts, Maam...Only the facts. LOL I probably said it wrong, but you know what I was getting at right. LOL. I ALWAYS quote movies and shows wrong. It's a GIFT that I have. LOL

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

to extinguish the flames if BioDad or SpermGrandMa were on fire. Then I would send their survivors the bill for the cremation fees. (not the kids or course)

I despise these people and their ignorant behavior. I would not pee on them if they were on fire because I would not want to cool off the flames.

I would however piss on their graves. After the the funeral was over and the Kids were gone of course. Grave wizzing would be a very private and meaningful ritual for me alone.

Best regards,

LifesABeach - You are STILL more woman than I am. You are willing to withhold piss. My DNA is too good. Hell I am not willing to spit on her or her grave. Might make the grass all pretty and green.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

I myself am not a big fan of disengaging, but a lot of people here endorse it. I believe it CAN work in certain situations, for a short time period, just to help your spouse see how things would be without your help. But in general, I think its very bad for the marriage. So I see what you mean by different perspectives

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"