About BM
Since it's early early in the morning (eta, this took over an hour to write) and DH is asleep, I might as well write.
Honestly, I would rather stab myself in the eye with a pen than get trapped in BM's life. Her life isn't a bad one, I suppose, but I cannot fathom how a supposedly adult woman can make the choices she has and be able to be proud of herself.
BM was (is?) a dumb slut.
Don't get me wrong; I did my share of sleeping around. However, I didn't do it while married to someone. I also didn't get pregnant - twice - with other men's babies while married. How the hell is cheating ok if it results in a child?
BM is an entitlement junkie.
BM insists on Keeping Up With The Joneses. She does something involving administration, but somehow she is entitled to a 5-br, 2500 sq ft house, a Harley, a 2008 Chrysler convertible, and everything else her whim desires. BM remarried in a big floofy white wedding, and cried "unfair" that she didn't get a cruise for her honeymoon. B****, our wedding cost $300 including rings and we didn't get a honeymoon! Hell, we haven't taken a vacation in almost three years that didn't involve SD12. She is constantly crying poor to DH asking for money. It's for SD12! SD12 is sent to our house for the summer with holey shoes that are "good enough", hardly any clothes, no shampoo, razors, etc. She fully expects DH to sign over half of his GI Bill (the law now allows service members to sign over education benefits to spouses or dependents) because she doesn't have a college fund started for SD12. That's $30k worth of education that he has spent 18 years working hard and getting shot at for.
BM also believes it's her right to "be taken care of" and that's what men are for. She tells SD12 that "your SD needs to make more money!" She encourages SD12 to be "feminine," gives her praise for "looking pretty." All of SD12's gifts are things like makeup, clothes, jewelry, accessories, etc.
BM is a professional victim.
It's not her fault that she's constant short on money! It's not her fault that she was fired! She's the one who was treated badly in their marriage, and all her misfortune is DH's fault! She had no choice but to move constantly, uprooting SD12, (including moving in with a shady man she was dating and then moving out a month later) because DH ruined her life!
BM is judgemental.
Did you know, that if you drive a minivan, you are white trash? Yep, that's what Mama says! (A phrase I get REALLY tired of) BM claims to be a very devout Catholic, but has not set foot in a church since she re-married because "We're not welcome anymore." I am not Catholic, but I will get dressed up every Sunday and go to Mass for SD12's sake. That's not good enough for BM. How she reconciles her faith with two illegitimate children, (one stillborn) I don't know. Wait, she didn't have an abortion! That makes her a saint. See above; dumb slut and either not stepping out in the first place or idk, using birth control.
BM is emotionally manipulative.
She runs hot and cold. SD12 and her little brother (Not DH's, although since he was born 4 months after the divorce was final, Louisiana assumes so. Luckily, he wasn't made liable financially; there's a DNA test that proves paternity) get smothered with affection when they stay in BM's good graces. If they transgress in the slightest way, there is screaming and guilt tripping. She is teaching SD12 to get her way by whining and pleading. "If you loved me you would...." BM tried to make DH feel liable for her youngest son (since his father ran screaming the second he found out she was pregnant) by making him the godfather. Since DH and I got married, he has grown a spine when dealing with her; such a mean man!
BM hates my guts.
Which actually brings a smug smile to my face. BM was SHOCKED when DH remarried suddenly six months after she threw herself at him *at his father's funeral*. She has poked her nose into my business non-stop. (No, you may not have my contact information. An emergency with SD12 can be handled directly with DH or through the Red Cross if he is deployed.) She has harassed DH about when we're having kids, because she sees me/us as immature and isn't that the goal of every woman, to have babies? I am less than a year younger, and look 10 years younger than she does. I am athletic and petite while she never lost the baby weight. I do not mealy-mouth make nice-nice with her unless I have to (i.e. in front of SD12), and call her on her bad behavior. BM also tries to make SD12 think I'm a total witch, taking things I say to DH out of context. She told DH she hoped I cheated on him at school "like (he) did to (her)." Fat chance!
All in all, although she drives me crazy, it's at a distance. I have not spoken to her directly in over a year, and probably won't until Christmas when we visit my MIL. I only have to deal with her attitudes when her mini-me visits, and then I'm the adult and can correct the bad behavior. Actually, DH does, because he backs me 100% with SD12.
I don't know how some of you do it....
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My SS's SpermDad is the male version of your SD's BM
NC,
I hear you. SpermDad has four out of wedlock children by three different mothers. My SS is his oldest but an only child in our home.
SpermDad pays no CS, his mother pays my SS's CS and his other three spawn live with her (SpermGrandMa). SpermDad does nothing for his son, does not call, does not make travel arrangements for visitation, his MOMMY does it all for him. And she is hte most wicked evil wench in history. IMHO.
Two weeks ago she had my SS's half sister (11) call him to tell him that he would not be visiting them for Christmas holiday. Then SpermGrandMa called my wife to "arrange" travel. She had no intention of having my SS come for a visit she just wanted to screw with my wife's head. My wife spent two weeks working to get travel costs down to a level that was acceptable for the Sperms (which is pretty damned low since combined they don't have a pot to piss in or a window to through it out of). When my wife would get the cost to their number SpermGrandMa would lower the target. Finally my SS called home (he is in boarding school) and mentioned in passing that his sister and later GrandMa had called to tell him that "it is not worth $100.00 a day to have him visit". Fine, screw with an adult but who would pull that kind of crap with a kid. I truly hate evil scumbags.
So I absolutely understand how pathetic some people can be. Unfortunately the majority seem to gravitate to blended family situations. But, I suppose that those types of people are the reason there are broken/blended families to begin with.
As usual it is the kids who suffer.
Good luck and best regards,
Rags, she's not quite as bad
Rags, she's not quite as bad as the SpermDad you have to deal with. I've read some of your posts.
DH pays a good percentage of his income to BM, (~40% of his income when assessed, it's dropped to a fairer amount over the years) but pays ALL travel costs. He counts it as the cost of keeping her out of our life. We can afford it since we made the choice to live well within our means - small house, extremely short commute, used vehicles, etc.
BM had a history of getting fired when she was married, but she *did* get off her butt and get a job when she absolutely had to. She left a long-term job for one with more money this year, and got laid off under the last-hired, first-fired principle. I was absolutely convinced that she was going to announce a pregnancy and that she was going to stay home with the kids, but she beat my expectations and got another job. Apparently it still makes more than the one she quit, because she's been remarkably quiet for the last three months. And if it makes enough that she's not constantly calling up to scam cash, she may well be making enough that it's not worth taking DH to court to reassess CS.
It's not the money, really, it's the attitudes she's passing on to SD12. I can't stand women like her, and to have to deal with a mini-me drives me nuts. But at least I'm the adult.
Wow, we have very similar
Wow, we have very similar situations! My DH has a "son" with his ex-wife, although we recently just found out he's not even his thru a DNA test (the boy is 11) He married her when she was 7 months pregnant with him because she told him it was his, so he is now the "legal" father & has to pay child support. She also cheated & got pregnant twice while they were married. He took her back the first time, helped raise the daughter she had, but a year after she was born the ex-wife started cheating again. So he divorced her. She also tried to get her two youngest kids (both little black girls) to call him daddy! He is also military (on the air station in Jacksonville NC) The BM, son, and my husband's mom & grandparents all live in IN, so we only see him in the summer when he visits & at Thanksgiving when we go visit my husband's family, thank god! Its a real mess though & I cannot stand his ex. She got busted for drugs 4 years ago & my husband had to take custody of his "son" for 2 years, which is when I met him. Thankfully 7 months after I met him the boy went back to IN. He is also overweight, will only eat junk food, is pretty lazy and just sits & plays videogames. He's not a mean kid, and I don't hate him or anything, I just look at him as my husband's ex-wife's kid in my house...very strange to me.
Melis, that's exactly how I
Melis, that's exactly how I feel about SD12. She's not a mean kid by any means. Spoiled and has an attitude, but it's not that defiant female teenager attitude. Honestly, the second day she was here, I called my mother and apologized for being such a nasty little shit without realizing it when I was a teen.
Since BM and SD12 (and MIL) live in Louisiana, we don't see her too often. Last year, I deployed three weeks into visitation. This year.... ugh. It put serious stress on our marriage. Next year, DH will be deployed, and maybe the year after I can beg my way out to Afghanistan.
She's obviously DH's child; has his eyes and facial features and his curly hair. Before she gained all the weight, she looked a lot like him. Now that she is SO heavy*, when she straightens her hair, she's a perfect clone of BM, to the point where it emotionally disturbs DH. We tell her we like it a lot better curly; it helps a little.
***I don't mean to sound like I'm picking on people with a couple extra pounds. I have been chubby in the past, but poor SD12 is flat out obese according to the BMI chart. It's not healthy, especially at that age. I blame BM, SD12 has whacked-out fad diet ideas that she calls "eating healthy" and NO portion control.
must be related to our BM
You have described our BM to a T. I am broke, I had affairs but it was your fault, I am entitled, I am muniplitive, I need to be taken care of, I was/still am a dumb slut.....
BM is broke but just left today with baby and who know who on a week trip to NY. She bought a Jaguar last month. She went to Boston for a week in August. She pays the mortgage on the marital home - she got it in the divorce but is to sell it and it just went on the market a couple of weeks ago - plus pays for the 4 bdrm townhouse with her new man and one of his kids - he is still very married. We suspect his wife busted him cheating on her with BM.
Gee, how is that some woman can be this way and others are capable of taking care of themselves and owning up to their actions and being able to say I made a mistake, if they did.
I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be but I take care of my own, pretty much on my own at least until my SO came along.
Yeah, I just don't get the
Yeah, I just don't get the dependent type.
The mortgage on our house is mine; I closed on it two days after I met DH. All the bills are in my name. I would be able to live just fine without his income. I am darn proud of the fact that I have taken care of myself BY myself.
At least she remarried - to a good guy who I feel sorry for - she treats him like a doormat. At least I don't have to hear about the boyfriends from SD12. At least StepDad treats SD12 well, and adopted her baby brother. At least she's now making halfway decent money so we don't have to hear about it every week.
Ya count your blessing when ya can.