We all travel on journeys for different reasons. Me, I ended my fury with the ex and steps, or rather they with me. Even so, I've struggled with my choices, behavior and the consequences that my being influenced. For a long time now, although I haven't written much on ST, I watch and occasionally respond because if it weren't for this group, I may not have survived. So came the retreat...
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Aside from the travel, the waiting, the plane rides, the long drive, traffic jams and wierd towns named "Bucksnort" and "Christmasville" we arrived safe and sound. Zen and I were thrilled to find Step witch after we thought we mistook someone else waiting for us. Zen and I were both so relieved that the "real" step witch was a beautiful, spunky, effervecent women unlike the back woods, "deliverance" hillbilly we thought was waiting for us.

I don't know how to explain this experience in a short post but I felt that I owed it to all of you to share my experience too since so many of you wanted to come but for some reason or another couldn't make it. It was short, too short and I slept far too much of the time. Step witch said it was a compliment, and as hard as that was to take, I agree. I felt so comfortable, so relaxed, that the stress, and troubles in my life, vanished and I stopped to recuperate. Doesn't that sound like nirvana. Who would have thought, I'd travel across several states, hook up with strangers, and fall into a deep state of relaxation and recuperate. That is just what I did.

It was funny too, because when Zen picked me up from the airport, even though we had never seen each other before, I found myself behaving as if she were my sister. I didn't hesitate to steal her gum or ruffle through her papers looking for a map. You see, we have become so close, that finding each other was in my opinion, God's plan all along.

So, there we were, eating, drinking, moving from one seat to another. (Never exerting ourselves too much) and talking, talking and fighting for our words in edgewise. We had a lot to say and it didn't take much warming up. We did toast our friends, all of you more than once. We reflected, shared, observed, and mourned. But most of all we became friends and I looked into these women's eyes who's words have held me together and was so happy that we made this real, like the Velveteen Rabbit, if any of you have read that.

But for me, this retreat was a time of healing and letting go. Some of you may know my story, but there has been a lot of loss, a lot of pain and a lot of regret. We had fun making the BM pinata, dressing her up and burning her. But don't think for a minute that it was a satanic ritual, it was a blessing, an opportunity to release our burdens, our anger, our fears. For me it was an opportunity to ask for forgiveness for my transgressions and to let go of the blame.

I could write forever about the trees, the prehistoric "gars" that leaped out of the lake. Critters I have never seen or heard of before. I could tell of the beautiful guitar music Stepwitch played that lulled me to sleep in the afternoon, the gentle presence of Harley, or the wise, and carefully thought out perspective shared by zen. It would take the full 38 hours or so that we spent together.

I just want you all to know that we did something incredible. Stepwitch, took a huge leap of faith by opening up her heart and her cabin to us. Zen travelled an incredibly long distance alone by car and Harley left her family holiday and joined us every day. We looked forward to her arrival and her presence was like icing on a cake. I was reminded that life is about the present, that we can only be the best of ourselves by letting go, and in doing so, God gives us gifts that we never expected. For me, three new beautiful friends.

I love you all

Kathleen
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