sounds like maybe the priorities need to be re-arranged in your life/marriage/family? i''m a big believer in (1) strong self, (2) strong marriage = strong kids. if you're not taking care of yourself and finding some time to unwind alone and then also finding time to spend with your partner, it's not surprising that you don't want to have sex with him. families aren't supposed to be all about the kids - they are PART of the family and a RESULT of a strong relationship. if you flip that all around, then everything gets out of whack. the kids would much rather be around loving, affectionate parents than those who are too hasseled to pay attention to each other.

it can be re-arranged and priorities can change - you just have to want it badly enough. also, keep in mind - men want sex to feel connected to you and their emotional bonding is usually the result of a healthy sex life (which then makes them more likely to want to help you out). i'm NOT saying you should do it for that reason alone, but if you continually push him away from what motivates him in a loving relationship, it will be an uphill battle to get what you want.

it probably starts with having an honest conversation with your partner and not playing the "stay at home mom" victim (ie, "i do everything, you never help"). it won't get you very far... start out by telling him that you really want to be with him, but need some assistance in some other areas first. then go from there.

just my 2 cents....(oh yea, this really only applies if you like sex and miss having it. some women don't like it - that's a different problem entirely).

without the emotions? Have you two really sat down and laid everything out on the table, without accusing each other of this or that, but rather, this is how I feel? This is what I want... be specific... be blunt. Write a letter and send it to him via email, or leave it somewhere for him to see.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

In answer to your question Texas..no you are not alone! After the birth of our baby boy almost 2 years ago I was not wanting to have sex, understandable after giving birth. But weeks rolled into months and I still didn't get my mojo back and DH didn't know why..in fact neither did I.

In my situation SS & BM weren't just a day here and there of drama it was an everyday 3 times a day effect add DH's whole family poking the drama into the mix and there was huge issues! It took a big talk with Dh to see that was what was really the problem, we were so tangled up in that emotional mess that we forgot about each other. We make time to spend together now without the mess and my mojo is on the mend! As stepmom, said maybe a letter or at least a deep and meaningful, there is more to it than DH not helping out enough. When you talk to him, you may get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do. What is your situation with the Skids?

And to the anonymous dill...I so hate people saying 'and you wonder why they cheat??!!' If your husband cheats because you are not putting out then he is an arsehole and doesn't love you anyway! Do you love your husband? If he didn't give you a bit when you wanted it would you play up on him? People go through different things at different times and what do your vows say....I will put out when he says or he can root suzy at number 54, hey thats a great idea!! DUH!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

I agree with StepMom on this one. Okay, this may be TMI, but it's a revelation for me ... my EX and I had a great sex life until he gained too much weight (I did too) and neither of us were sexually attracted to one another anymore - we'd have sex once a month or so. As the relationship dwindled, so did the sex. At first I thought this was okay, we were intimate in other ways, always snuggling, loving each other, holding hands, telling each other we loved each other, etc.

Okay, moving on to current marriage ... great sex life until DH has surgery (okay, not his fault), but during that 6-weeks that we couldn't have sex ... our relationship was VERY rocky. Of course there were other factors ... pain, medications, etc ... but it was rocky! As soon as we could start having sex again (and I mean this happened almost immediatly), our relationship took an upward turn. Being able to have sex again DID bring us closer, and strengthend our relationship ... the pain is still there ... he's still on pain medication ... but I find I am more tollerant of his behaviors, and vice versa.

Now, as for your "dilema" of not having time, or desire. Make the time, make the desire. I'm self employed so I work all the time ... but my schedule is flexible. I often find myself working from after dinner until the wee morning hours. I realized that EVERYTHING, for the most part, can wait 30 minutes while I have sex with DH ... nothing should come before that.

I didn't see where you have a job outside the home. Forgive me if this seems old fashioned, but if you don't have a job outside the home, then your job IS to take care of the family and the home. If you worked outside the home then I'd expect DH to contribute more, but he's working outside the home - you are working inside the home. You are still sharing the "household responsibilities" just in different ways.

I think you should express to DH that although this may be your "job" it is still nice when he helps you out around the house. If you put the kids to bed, maybe he could put the dishes in the dishwasher while you are putting the kids in bed. I also have to ask you ... have you ASKED your DH to help you out, or are you expecting him to read your mind. Contrary to popular belief, men cannot read our minds, no matter how many years we've been together.

I'm not sure if my perspective helps any, and I'm sorry if I said anything that offended anyone, but ... that's what this site is all about ... sharing ideas!!!

~ Katrina

I agree a lot with Katrina
I don't understand what helping out around the house has to do with making love to your husband... I work and my husband works, he works out of town a lot so most of the house work is left up to me and the kids. But I look forward to going to bed with him weather it is cuddling or sex it doesn't matter. Having sex to me is an expression of love. I could not imagine not wanting to be with him just because he didn't do a load of laundry. could there be an underlying problem????

Maybe try asking I know when I work on a weekend and Dh is home he and the kids try to have the house picked up before I get home but sometimes I will just ask "Hey would you unload the dishwasher for me this morning" you will be amazed at the response you may get.

Sorry if I upset anyone.

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow

A SAHM might have the responsibility of the home, the day-to-day care of the kids and other issues, etc., but it doesn't mean that when DH comes home, he gets to tune everything and everyone out and expect DW to continue busting her ass while he sits and relaxes with a drink. He works all day, she works all day, and when he gets home in the evening, they should share the responsibilities of the house and the kids. It's a matter of respect. IF DH doesn't think enough of DW to act like an adult and lift a finger for himself and the family after work, or whenever his partner asks him to, can anyone really blame her for not wanting to give up an hour or so of precious rest or "ME" time to satisfy him? That's unfair.

"Oh yeeeeeeeeeah baby, you're so sexy when you sit on your fat ass and watch me run my ass ragged and it gets me SO HOT when you totally ignore my pleas for help and expect me do deal with everything around this place. YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH RIGHTTHERE!!!!!!!"

Please. I don't blame you at all. Some people can screw right through a major emotional sh*tstorm in the relationship, others can't even cuddle when there's been a trivial arguement. Stepmom was right that you should sit down with DH and talk about it when you're not faced with the situation at hand. Less emotion and more clarity. Let him know how it makes you feel when he takes you for granted and what YOU need for him to do in order to rectify it. And you know, little hints of what YOU might be willing to offer him might persuade him to change his tune, if you catch my drift

Yes, taking care of the home and kids is exhausting. I too am self employed. I run a full time business, am raising two kids who have a very demanding schedule at school because of their excellence in academics, have a weekly girl scout troop, am helping DH start another company, caring for an ill parent who just had to move in with me.... But I ALWAYS make time for DH. Because even when he is not giving 100% and we are bickering at each other, I take a minute and think about it. What if I really needed to be intimate with him. What if I was feeling that need for closeness from him that come from making love with him and he turned me down. Day in and day out he told me that he was too tired because he worked all day. I would feel rejected. So I always make the time. Are you so tired that a simple quicky is too much? If you are that unsatisfied, then maybe the two of you need to explore new ideas in your sex life so it isn't you rolling over unsatisfied. I doubt there is any man out there that is going to say HELL NO when his wife comes to him and says I want us to try this or that. I want to have a kick ass sex life. Most men would probably pass out from shock.

He is working just like you. He chose to go to work, you chose to stay home and work. I don't think either of you work harder, just different. Enjoy your husband and if he isn't rocking your world in bed, help show him what you need. Have one helluva "Big O" and release some of that pent up stress you have. If running the house is overwhelming you that much, maybe you should look into finding a mom's day out program at a local church or a frined who would alterate playdates so you can take some you time. Take a little bit for yourself, pamper yourself, get your hair done, do a little shopping for some sexy lingerie. Make yourself feel sexy and like a lady. You are JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR DH,KIDS, HOME.... don;t be upset with your husband for wanting you. He WANTS YOU!!! Not someone else. You are obviously still doing it for him! Great sex will lead to a better marriage which will lead to happier parents making happier children, etc, etc, etc

Hugs to you because I understand your point. I was like you in my first marriage. YUCK :sick:

Putting aside petty or even day-to-day type disagreements is one thing, but why would anyone want to be intimate with someone who is fundamentally disappointing them? That's what I'm hearing on this post, a disappointment in the partnership, not just being tired with all the duties that life brings. My own DH is in the doghouse right now for violating my basic expectations about our marriage (which were based on express agreements, yes grown up discussions, prior to marriage) and marginalizing my role in his life. I won't go into detail here except to say, I think there's a huge difference between just being tired, whether you work at home or out of the house, and being fundamentally disappointed in your partner. Just my two cents.

I'm a SAHM, so my "job" is all the household crap. But the household crap that I consider my job is the household crap generated by me, my husband and my children. I don't consider it my job to do any household crap generated by my stepchildren. I do a lot for them, because I want to, but I don't think it's my obligation to make sure they are fed, clothed, washed and cleaned up after. The responsibility for the skids and their various messes belongs to the skids and their father, not their stepmother.

Texas has four children, the youngest of which is 13, and six stepchildren, the youngest of which is 9. I have no idea how many live there full time, but I do know that not a single one of them is too young to pitch in and help out. And their father should be beaten with a horsewhip for not pointing this out to them.

I don't think any of this is about attraction or time or whatever. It's about one person doing all the giving and feeling unappreciated and, believe me, I can relate.
~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

I run a financial institution and I'm 7 months pregnant and have a one year old and five year old at home. Most of the time when I get home it is usually after 630 in the evening my husband goes to work earlier and gets off earlier than I do but, I have to go home and cook and see about the children and things around the house. It's like I clock out at one job and begin the other. When I get in the bed at night most of the time I am so worn out the thought of having sex is the last thing on my mind. But, like Texas I can relate because it's so easy to become frustrated when your tasks are on overload and your body is a quarter of a tank from empty. To all the superwomen give me some of that energy. Mind you that I do go to the gym 3 times a week and I'm still too exhausted most of the time to have sex. It's not that you don't want your husband of boyfriend it's just that your body is tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sit down and talk to him about helping out more and if he doesn't go on strike.

*Stepmom101*

He tried to hug me when I was fast asleep and I hit him - two nights in a row! At the time I was exhausted because of work and sick and tired of looking after his kids, trimming their hair, getting rid of nits etc. because neither he or his stupid ex wife looks after them properly. And most anoyingly neither seems to care when their kids hair is hanging over their faces like cousin It and crawling with bugs.

I am sick of feeling like I have to jump in and parent his kids because someone has to do it and the anger and resentment is seeping into the bedroom now.

And it is not like I haven't told him I think his ex is a lousy mother and that he is too scared to challenge his kids about anything because the ex might turn them against him. He is a lovely man but weak.

A Step parent is in a no win role

with this problem. Many people have made such good points on here. My husband and I, way back when, were the couple that everyone wanted to be. We couldn't keep our hands off each other, people made icky faces at us, like we were back in grade school. Fast forward to now and I have NO desire for sex AT ALL. I too have tried to blame it on everything but myself. But it comes down to a couple of things for me. First of all, back when we were dating and first married, we made US a priority. We made time for each other, we were getting to know each other, falling in love, discovering us as a couple. We had dates, we had "alone" time. We were romantic, we tried to excite each other. Now it seems that we make time for everything and everyone else, mostly, I am at fault for this. I can't seem to slow down enough to give my DH a hug or a kiss for more than 2 seconds. He used to always smell soooo good, take great care of himself. Now, at the end of the day, we crawl exhaused into bed, I generally shower, brush my teeth, put on pit stick and perfume. I want to smell and feel fresh and clean for him. He on the other hand, doesn't always go through this routine. I am a very smell orientated person, so this really hurts the libido for me. And another thing. What ever happened with trying to turn each other on? Easy enough for him, if the wind blows sideways, he's ready. But, I on the other hand, need more than for him to just crawl in bed, grab me by my pooter and think I am ready to go. "Give a little love, a little squeeze and a little kiss, give a little hug, I want some more of this, take a little time and make a little fuss, that's what a woman wants." Sorry, I often break into song randomly. But ultimately, it turns into a vicious cycle, I am stubborn and try to make him take some romantic time and he won't give romantic time because it doesn't always guarantee sex.

I would be very upset if I did everything around the house and received no help. Being taken for granted from the one person that is supposed to love and support you the most is very disappointing and degrading. Being made to feel like the only time you get with DH if for a quick, unfeeling, non-romantic roll in the hay also makes one feel the same. We need to feel like we are more than maids, cooks, babysitters and prostitutes (who by the way, go without the big bucks.) BRING BACK THE ROMANCE!!!!! Maybe if we just slow down and put each other first and make an honest effort to remember back to the time when we were like hormonally driven teenagers, things can be that way again. Wow, sorry for all that, I really went on a ramble. Tee Hee!!
Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~

He's a guy. He comes home from work and yes you're tired, but maybe you can find some other time of day to "Do the deed" I'm tired at night from taking care of the kids and school and stuff. We try to find time to do it in the mornings or on the weekends. He needs to have sex with you, and he does understand being tired if he has a job, but that doesn't stop the desire to have sex with the woman he loves. Try doing it when you first wake up in the morning that way you're not all bogged down with the stresses of the day.

Being pregnant I'm always ready to have sex but poor DH can't stop thinking about the baby and he keeps making excuses because all he can think about is that he's hurting the baby or that the baby knows we are having sex

Seriously the second the dr told us that the baby had turned head down I looked and DH and knew that we wouldn't be having sex until after the baby was born but he does try to make up for it by being more affectionate.

So just be happy he wants to have sex with you. I'm in a very serious dry spell and would kill to have my husband all over me right now

Ok this is an old thread that I missed in the middle of my chaotic and crazy marriage/health etc crisis.
But if the OP is still reading, I would encourage you to look through the last few posts of mine from early Dec on.

The danger is that if you don't figure out why you don't want to connect intimately with him, he will eventually give up and shut down. And even if there's not another woman ready and willing to take your place, it still hurts when they STOP wanting you because they feel you don't want them.

I would suggest counseling. HIGHLY. For both of you so that he can understand that those days you are just too tired, and that he has to make some changes to help you NOT be so if he wants to be nurtured in return in bed.

Hopefully that's already happened. I didn't have time to read every single response. But this is a no fault thing. It simply is. However...

If you finally feel like reconnecting in every way and he doesn't respond or worse?

I'm telling you from personal experience, that as awful as it is to not want to when they want to? It's excruciating to want to and they don''t. That's where I'm sitting right now.

If you don't want to have sex with him just say No and if he forces you just leave him in the room and make him figure out what was his mistake was.

How To Get A Girl To Like You

OMG! I know you posted this a while back, but your situation mirrors mine! you are not alone, I have a husband that literly has 6 professions and we live in a house that my mother owns, she pays the bills, and he doesnt do anything! i come home from my job that i have been at 6 years and he is usually asleep! oh and one of his professions is a lawyer!!!!! each one of his skills could earn him $1000 a day, but he doesnt get off his butt! I come home around 6 from work and find that i am expected to do all the housework and take care of the kids, then around bedtime he doesnt get why I am not in the mood, but my problem also comes from the man absolutely not doing anything to contribute! I am finally after 11 years come to an end, I have asked him to leave. I do not know if I have done the right thing.