it varies from person to person.

for me it took over ten years to stop caring what skids thought of me and what dh thought of what i did.

i agree that disengagement is much better for my sanity and also my marriage.

Excuse me if this sounds simplistic but anger is an emotion we can control- otherwise it will control us. I would start by deleting her from your phone. My skids have never had my number and never will (except in an emergency concerning their father) because with every text she's getting into your head.
Then practise becoming mindful of your thoughts- whenever you have an angry thought about her check how that is making you feel. Anger manifests itself in physical responses that can make you ill over time. Is your heart is pounding, your tummy knotting, your muscles tense? This is the body's natural reaction to fear- it is getting ready to fight an invisible bear. Your body doesn't know the bear is not there so you have to tell it. 'There's no bear' and then feel how your body responds. (If there is a bear then you probably need to deal with it at this point!)
I used to imagine that I was pushing my OSD over a cliff. It wasn't real- but the physical satisfaction of seeing her face when she tipped over was enough to calm my anxieties. Other ideas are casting them adrift in a boat (a bit gentler!) or seeing them fly away in a balloon.
These techniques, after a bit of practice, will send signals to your body to relax and not be afraid (anger comes from a primeval fear instinct) and eventually you will find she has no control over you anymore.
Another trick is to find something pleasant to focus on- this may be something to do (music,exercise, a good movie, baking etc) or something to plan (a day out with friends, a holiday, a shopping trip) or something to dream about (that trip to another country, meeting your hero, winning an award) etc.
All these tricks will train your mind and body to be less afraid and less angry. Of course, it is easier said than done- in which case go and punch a cushion or something!!
You will always have this anger, better accept that you cannot undo the hurts of the past- but one day you will find it no longer controls you, and then you will know you have really, fully, disengaged.

I'm in the thick of it (SS17, need I type more?!?), but in other matters I found myself hanging on to resentment. Resentment is toxic and like others posted, the negativity manifests physically. For me this includes anxiety, PTSD (I did EMDR therapy for a few months to resolve PTSD from a specific, totally bizarre encounter 15 years before I joined the Step realm), heart racing, stomach knots that feel like the muscles/intestines are being wrung out like a wet towel, migraines, insomna, etc.

I found StepTalk seeking to learn how to manage my emotions and stress about StepLife. I'm glad you posted & appreciate all the replies. Hope you find a way to get peace, detachment, objectivity about this.

I think it differs with each person. Unfortunately re-engagement only seems to reset and resurface the past hurt even if the behaviors of the former idiot remain reasonable.

I would suggest just dealing with SD on a behavior by behavior basis. If she is reasonable then tolerate a low level of engagement. If she isn't reasonable.. flush her down the hopper again and dont give her space in your head. Either with her past behavior or her current behavior.

"I pretty much reached the indifference stage"

No Hon you have not, not yet anyway cause SD still gets to you, you only reach this stage where you give a total eff... where she does not even have your contact details and where you feel nothing if she walks through the front door., This stage is only when you can tell her to her face, this is my house and I will not be ignored/disrespected, please leave....

This you can only do on your own time and it varies from person to person, once you made the mind decision of she's not going to have any influence on your moods or life, then you are indifferent.... but only you can do this, and it's about a 5minute thing... belief in yourself and your choices, make the decision, cut all communication with her, and well she can crawl on her knees and beg your forgiveness, you will smile and say.. ok... but still feel nothing... after this stage and SD behaving you will not mind going out to dinner with her and her family and DH, you will respect each other enough to spend hour or two together in a group without feeling anything...

After eight years of total disengagement, I just don't care any more.

Anger is manageable. How you manage it is up to your thinking process. I find if I think about the past and my SD, I get very angry to this day; therefore, I change my thinking process; pretend it's like releasing a bunch of beautiful helium balloons or freeing a bird from a cage; let the anger go.

I find something constructive to do for the day; SD is not worth wasting my life. I've been married to her Dad for almost 38 years; she is nothing to me, nor is SD a part of my life for the past eight years.

It gets easier, but you have to take control of your own destination; which means you put yourself first. This site is the most help to me.

(((hugs)))

I haven't been able to get to the point that I totally do not care about them. I really don't want their inability to function in a relationship to have that much control over who I become as a person on the inside. What helps me stop the rehearsing over and over again in my head (and sometimes I still do)...is realizing that they are a product of their parent's upbringing. Not mine. I separate myself from that arena. With that being said...I try to see them as living in their own understanding, or their own way of doing things. I try to keep my thinking about them to a minimum, and push the subject matter back into their "lane". It is their baggage...their drama, and their obstacle course to have to work out now that they are adults.

At first I thought the rejection was awful...but now I realize, what a blessing it was for me to accommodate their ignorant state of being by appeasing their desire to have nothing to do with me. So, I obliged their wishes. I really do love them, but I do not enjoy engaging with them. and, yes, I matter. I also get to choose. So, it's ok. They are so focused on what I am not, that they failed to recognize the awesomeness I bring to the table...and now, They are laying in their own self induced relationship coma when it comes to me.

My husband finally sees the mistakes he has made in the past by not establishing healthy boundaries (or, at least he says he has)..and my airplane has left the runway regarding waiting for them to get it together. Life is just too short to keep focusing on them all the time...There are so many great things happening to celebrate in my life since I put them and their issues on the back burner. It helped to step back and push the reset button...Peace.

You know what they say about KARMA.... The reliable source informed me yesterday that my partner's 39 year old worthless son tried to bring people (his floozies) into the neighbours house and the reliable source refused to let him in. The reliable source told me that my partner's worthless son wanted to beg food from them to feed his latest flame.

a- Why cant he feed the girl himself?
b- Is this latest girl pregnant?
c- Why cant he take the girl to where he actually lives?

He knows he cannot knock MY door...

I was killing myself laughing.

It has since transpired that he has worn out his welcome at my neighbour's house.......

Now the neighbour knows that every word I said was THE TRUTH...

DISENGAGEMENT FEELS GOOD!!!!!!!!!

My DH’s worthless POS son is no one who would ever add anything but grief to my life. So he is permanently removed. DH can see him away from me if he wants to and that’s okay with me.

You cannot make people like you, but you can teach them how to treat you. Family treats family like family, not a spare unwanted piece of furniture. Being abused in the name of family is stupidity if you tolerate it.

Staying away from this dynamic alleviates the drama and makes you part of a positive solution. If you are around it at all, you will be accused of something....anyway.

I think the better I get at saying to myself-- they do not exist to ME any longer, the better I am at not making any of the mess part of my thought process. They no longer exist in my life and they are strangers to me (to say the least).