It drives me nuts that things that aren't punishment are seen as punishment...
I've noticed lately that SD6 seems to think everything is a punishment when it isn't. I think she's starting to dislike me simply for asking things that should be normal to ask! Cleaning her room, eating her dinner, washing her hands after eating, I feel like everything becomes a huge deal!!! On christmas, after opening a couple hundred dollars worth of presents, we asked her to pick up the wrapping paper and throw it out and she refused and threw a fit! It's driving me crazy. These things aren't punishment, they are simply parts of life that need to be done.
Am I crazy for thinking 6 years old should pick up some trash and throw it out without a fight? Wash her hands after eating food without whining? Throw her toys into a basket after playing with them? I'm at my wit's end with this and I don't know if I'm overreacting but I feel like she's been a brat lately. She always seems upset with me because I ask these small simple things of her... She acts like she's being punished and gets mad/upset about it. I've gotten to the point of just ignoring her.
Maybe it's something all kids do. Maybe i'm just annoyed because she's my stepkid and if i had that biological connection with her, it'd be different. I guess I just need to vent. Since having my baby 3 months ago I feel like she really drives me crazy :/
She’s pushing you to see how
She’s pushing you to see how far she can push. All kids do this.
When it’s your bio, you just parent and keep on them. Once in awhile you loose it and freak out. Then you have a discussion about how you shouldn’t have to remind them 10 times to brush their teeth.
In step situations it all comes down to her father. Lots of people on here will tell you that he’s the one who has to parent her and deal with her tantrums.
I think if she’s in your house she follows the rules. Same as a babysitter or teacher. Would she throw a fit if her teacher told her to clean up? Or reminded her to wash her hands?
Her Dad has to be on board with you. He has to back you up and if hes there he has to take over and make sure she follows the rules. But if he’s not there she still has to listen to you.
The real problems start when he lets her get away with whatever she wants.
For a while I really did keep
For a while I really did keep on her about everything, and her father does to but he can be spacey and doesn't pay as much attention as he should. He's always happy to back me up, but the thing is, I feel like she's starting to hate me because of it. She seems to get unusually upset about being told to do things instead of just doing them and she's always in a bad mood around me - to the point where she almost seems afraid of me??
Like if we're with DH's family and she's playing with toys on the floor, than someone offers her some chips or something, she'll say "i have to ask sunshinex if i can have them" and they'll be all confused but really it's just because i would normally tell her to put her toys away first.. or the other day i usually ask if her room is tidied up before she takes over the TV for cartoons. Her dad sent her to watch TV and she got all weird and was like "sunshinex can i? is it ok?"
She's been doing this so much lately it makes me look crazy when all i expect is simple things. It's uncomfortable. I don't like seeming like this big bad mean person for asking simple things. I've just resorted to not talking to her now, which is making me resentful because I have to walk by her dirty smelly room and sit idly by while she never washes her hands and touches my furniture and baby's toys and such after eating something messy... it's frustrating
Your posts here have changed
Your posts here have changed so much since you had your baby. Its crazy how much life changes in step land once you have your first baby.
I think you need to have your DH step up more with SD and you need to just focus your energy on your son because these infant days go by so fast, it's crazy.
Close the door to her room, tell DH her room is a pigsty. I would still enforce hand washing though. Just relax and try to take more of a back seat approach with SD. Don't let her walk all over you by any means but I feel like the headspace you give her takes away from your baby. Enjoy your baby!!
I know it's hard... I'm having a rough time too with dh, ss16 , dd18 months and I'm due in August and im super ragey hormonal!
She may be testing
She may be testing boundaries, but you may have also lost patience for nonsense as well. Shortly after giving birth, my bullshit tolerance was at zero. It's almost two years later and it still hasn't fully recovered. I realized becoming a mother made me even less tolerant of feral behavior in other people's children, especially if they were all up in my space with the nonsense.
If she is truly acting out of character, you may try talking to dad about specific behaviors of hers with which you are having trouble. Come up with a list of consequences. Then you two sit the girl down and DAD goes over everything. You can say things, but just be sure Dad is the one outlining the new world order. He can acknowledge that having a new baby in the house is a big adjustment, but he needs to be clear that it is not an excuse for her to act up.
She is probably acting up with you because you give her attention when she does and that's probably a lot less often than you used to give her. Could you leave baby with dad or someone once a week for an hour or two while you give sd some one on one time?
I'm not sure if it's me or
I'm not sure if it's me or her... But she's even been rude to me lately. Like when we went to visit DH's family, after everyone left the room, she said "why are you still here?" which I think was her trying to make me feel like i'm not part of the family. She then said "is it because you're driving?" and I said no SD, it's because I'm family. It really hurt my feelings because i've raised this child since 2 years old.
I sat down with her prior to this incident and told her i know the baby takes a lot of my time but if she ever wants to do something or spend a little more time together, just let me know. She flat out said "what if I just want time with dad?" so I kind of left the conversation at that. I think she's mad at me maybe, because i'm taking her dad away (or so she sees it?)
I don't know what's going on... but I'm annoyed and hurt. I don't like that i've spent years raising a child who obviously doesn't care for me and makes me out to be the bad guy all the time.
What did her dad say to her
What did her dad say to her when you told him about her rude comment?
I would be hurt and frustrated as well. She is jealous and she needs coping mechanisms and self control so she doesn't act on those feelings. Therapy may be helpful, but I have no experience with that for a child so young.
What does her dad say about this?
He took her aside and did the
He took her aside and did the typical talk "sunshinex does a lot for you. you love her, don't you?" kind of leading her to say good things about our relationship instead of getting down to the truth. He really wants us to be mother/daughter because her BM isn't very involved, which I think puts added stress on all of us.
Ahhh so he coddled her and
Ahhh so he coddled her and didn't address her rudeness at all? He's part of the problem. If he wants you two to be family, he needs to stop letting guilt prevent him from parenting her.
Yep. I don't think he means
Yep. I don't think he means to coddle her in situations like this because he really is a strict parent who's always on my side. I think he's just genuinely uncomfortable with facing the fact that SD and I are not bonded like he wishes we were and it's not all MY fault. In his mind, his daughter looooooves me and wants me to be her mom so I just have to do that and we'll be good. When in reality, that's not the case. The child loves her crappy BM and tolerates me. And that should be okay. It's okay with me, at least.
Well he's teaching her that
Well he's teaching her that she can be rude, nasty and hurtful to you with zero consequences from him. I think you need to have a good long talk with him so he can get this in check before it becomes the new normal. Every time she's rude to you, HE needs to bring down the hammer (early bed time, taking away favorite toys, etc.). If she knows dad won't tolerate these behaviors, she will be far less likely to try them.
I went through this, my
I went through this, my earlier blogs document the household messes and trying to get BASIC things done like brushing teeth, cleaning up, wearing socks, etc. It all came down to DH. I was the bad guy if he didn't initiate. He can support me but that's not enough.
So I stopped. I threw stuff away, dealt with it in my own way or made DH do it. Still do because it hasn't changed radically.
You may have to stop and disengage from this.
So show her the difference.
So show her the difference. When she throws a fit about having to do what she should be doing stick her in the nearest corner with her nose in contact with both intersecting walls and give her a swat on the rump with a clear description that "this is punishment". Then after a sufficient period of holding up the intersecting walls with her nose (say an hour) march her to her room to start cleaning it. Explain that she will have to clean her room whether she is in trouble or not and if she does what she is asked when she is asked there will be no punishment. Then ask her if she needs another demonstration of the difference between responsibilities and punishment.
Lather, rinse, repeat until she develops clarity.
As for the fit over being asked to pick up the wrapping paper from her gifts... those gifts should have instantly gone in the garbage or been taken immediately to GoodWill and the kid should have been the one to take them from the car to the donation bin, publically, with her snot covered crying face on display for all to see.
There is nothing like public humiliation to make a point regarding behavioral choices.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Late to the party but she's
Late to the party but she's testing boundaries... they all do it Hon...
You are scared she will hate you for teaching her, not to worry, even bio kids hates their parents from time to time, it's all normal...
You just keep on doing what you are doing, you are a parent not suppose to be loved and popular and not to be a friend....
and if she screams at you - I hate you - do not take it personal, this will happen when she's a teen and you say NO.... also very very normal lol....
Yes SD might feel like she's not getting all the love and attention anymore, but it's not because she's a skid, it's simply because she was alone for years and now there's another child, you will have to make sure you have some alone time with SD, without the baby and then you tell her things like, I really like having a big daughter like you, some one who does not poop and scream the whole day long, some one who really helps me and I want to thank you for being such a good big sister..... you will she her change... make this a daily thing, bed time or what ever simply a bit one on one.
You always got along with her and now she grinds every bone in your tired new mummy body, but that's normal as well.... bio mum's simply does not talk about it...but remember you use to do allot with SD, and now suddenly it stopped, not because you are a SM or a bitch, simply because there's a baby but young kids do not always understand it..
Acra, you are always so
Acra, you are always so insightful. Thank you for this!
pleasure, but it's because
pleasure, but it's because I'm an older woman and mother lol, I only have 1 bio kid but when Deigma was about 6, I took in my brothers baby girl, 1 month old at the time....
that was for a couple off months due to his wife leaving and him being in a hard job not always available... thus you could say same situation ...
Deigma hated the baby, he told me he will smother her with a pillow, and he was dead serious about it, cause she's taking his love away...
I made sure we had enough alone time when the baby was sleeping and I made sure I told him he's a good nephew for taking such good care of her, feeding, laying out her cloths, even if missed matched and the daycare center told me he changed towards her, very protective and acts like a big brother...
I think it's a good idea to
I think it's a good idea to try to make sure it doesn't feel like a punishment. It's important to show your appreciation--even for some of the little things. That's what i do with my kids (step and bio), and it's also what I do with my husband. I know that if I cooked dinner every night (I don't, thankfully, because then I'd be exhausted all the time) and it became routine, I'd still like a thank you for doing it. At least occasionally. Kids like appreciation as much as the next person, even when it's something that's expected of them. Of course getting them to do it in the first place can be difficult--but once they HAVE done it, then letting them know it's appreciated makes them more eager to please in the future.
Please and Thank you can go a long way with kids, and many adults. Only ones it doesn't work on at all is babies (If only!)
I think the words please and
I think the words please and thank-you can sometimes be the most manipulative words in our shared language. I believe a forced thank-you is as bad as a forced 'sorry' for which there is no subsequent sorrow or gratitude.
For example,if I was cooking dinner for my family (something I did willingly for years) I would like an appreciation- great meal, mom or mom your pie is the best, would be much more authentic than, thank-you mom. Thank me? What for? Being your slave?
Also if I was resenting cooking that dinner because I was tired and felt taken for granted then I would ask for help- who would like to give me a hand here? or, would someone else do dinner tonight because I'm exhausted.
Thanking anyone for jobs that everyone assumes are yours is equally offensive in my eyes- thanking someone for making you a drink, getting you a little gift, fair enough- but thanking your kid for tidying their room? No! This assumes that tidying their room isn't actually their job.
A more appropriate response would be, your room looks great now- or, you worked really hard, well done- but without the qualifying thank-you.
I do think the sort of language used around the home in relation to domestic duties is really important and can sometimes send the wrong kind of messages- being alert to this can make a difference to how others see us and how we see ourselves.