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Help! Skids skipping out on timesharing

pinklady's picture

Submitted by pinklady on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 12:24pm

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Teenage Stepchildren

Hello everyone, my 3 stepkids ages 13-17 often skip out on our 50-50 timesharing to spend it with their mom/friends. How do you handle this with older teenagers? When we have an event planned that they don't want to attend, they want to be at their moms or friends house even though it's our time with them. I don't want to make anyone be there sulking and ruin the fun for us and our other two kids, especially when it's a family vacation. At this point, it doesn't matter what the timesharing says because their mom says that they're old enough to do what they want and if they want to be with her she's not going to tell them no ( but if it's the other way around, she makes sure they're with her). I don't want stress and fighting every time a holiday or event comes around, this seems to be the new normal now. Even if the step kids agreed before hand to attend and I make plans and reservations for them, they always cancel out at the last minute. On regular days with us, they are constantly at their friends home. I'm tired of chauffeuring them around when they want to hang out with their friends and do things with their friends, and when it comes time to do something with us, they canceled out. My other two don't understand why the other kids don't ever want to be home with us. What do we do? The holidays are coming up, and we will have to face this for Thanksgiving.

MrsZipper's picture

Submitted by MrsZipper on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 12:45pm

The exact same thing happened to us and we used to force togetherness until it became unbearable and upsetting. They refused to go on any vacations if me or or our DDs (their half siblings) were going and they regularly refused to come on our time or would spend it away from the house and come back only to sleep. They also refused all chores. We never found a way to actually make them be a part of the household. I honestly don't have any advice for you I'm sorry. You can't force teens without them making everyone miserable.

SM12's picture

Submitted by SM12 on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 1:24pm

My two older SS's were bad about doing this same thing. They (especially MSS16) would complain that we never do anything "FUN" when he is around. So, DH and I plan some fun activities that we KNOW he likes to do. We make arrangements, reservations, everything. We plan to pick him up bright and early (because he no longer stays all night at our house) and MSS refuses to get out of bed to go with us. MSS and OSS did the same thing at thanksgiving last year. Said they wanted to go with us to MY Parents house which they have done very year and when we went to pick them up, they wouldn't even come out of BM's house or out of bed. I also planned a nice day away at an amusement park for the SS's a few years ago. Bought the tickets (not cheap) and all was planned. Midnight the night before, OSS text DH from the other end of the house saying he didn't want to go.

UGHHHHH!!! DH was mad and was going to force OSS to go and I said NO WAY!! I refuse to drag a sulking Teenager around all day so he can ruin everyone else's fun.

I finally told DH that I will no longer plan any activities for the SS's. Nor are the invited to my parents home for any family gatherings. To this day I have kept my promise.

My advise...Stop planning activities that involve reservations or pre-payment. If they decide to go at the last minute then great. When they complain about not having anything fun planned, make sure they know it is their own doing.
And STOP being taxi for these kids. My SS's learned real quick I am NOT a taxi service. They want to go spend time with friends, they have have their friend pick them up or DH can do it.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 5:32pm

I am a proponent of dragging kids off to visit the NCP by their ear whether they want to or not.

Kids dont get a say. They do what the are told to do when they are told to do it. Sure, some leeway needs to occur with older teens but... other than that... STFU and get in the car.

IMHO of course.

And... if they kid doesnt show for visitation as stipulated in the CO... nail BM with a contempt motion. Lather, rinse, repeat.... ZERO TOLERANCE! And ... have fun doing it. }:)

It is the responsibility of the CP to facilitate visitation and it is the responsibility of the NCP to return the kid as scheduled. If either fails to comply.... consequences should be brought to bear.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 11/08/2017 - 12:24am

Pink - I assume the other 2 are your bio's? To them you smile and say, I'm your mother and not theirs, so lets go home...

Then the skids.. stop driving them around, not your responsibility, and stop worrying if they are coming over or not, not your children. Simply put a new rule in place, if you do not inform us that you will be over, we will not include you in our plans, and stick to it. Oh they have to tell you 2 days in advance at least, if they call the night before, sorry you can not visit, if they cancel the night before, it's fine what ever cost was involved will be deducted from the extra money they are getting but if it's not your money who cares...

be glad they do not want to come over Wink and stop playing driver, if they do want to come over and ask you to drop them off somewhere, smile and say Ask your Dad... if he's not there not your problem