How to handle a toxic Co-Parent
Hello!
First time poster here. I am not a SM yet, but engaged to be to my SO who has a BD3. We (future SD and I) have a very good relationship, and I enjoy my time with her greatly. It is very obvious that she is a girls girl, and prefers them over men in general. With that being said, she has grown to prefer hanging on me more than her BF, my SO.
I don't doubt that she has a great relationship with her BM based off how much she enjoys being around me personally. However, BM is set out to make just about everything more difficult for my SO and myself. She appears to be very threatened by me, and I have attempted to be friendly, but ends with BM just being hateful. I don't believe BM has good intentions.
My SO and I got engaged at the beginning of September, and have been living together since the beginning of May. That was another hurdle, but that's neither here nor there. They have since been to court and they were given 50/50.
When BM found out we were engaged, she threatened to take DD out of state and we would never see her again. BM then created a fake illness saying my SO needed to meet her at the hospital ASAP as DD was very sick all of a sudden. SO said only if she is truly sick. BM went out of her way with DD3 at 9:30pm to drive to the hospital, take a picture, but never actually went in. This is not the first time she has faked an illness in attempts to get my SO in her presence.
BM continued to harass us all evening calling us both names, claiming that I had somehow managed to force him to ask me to marry him, and I was ruining any chance BM and my SO had at co-parenting. I had been very nice up until then and I asked BM to leave me alone and I didn't appreciate her threats.
BM abruptly apologized the next day no doubt realizing what a terrible mistake she made in sending us threats.
About a week or so later BM sends us both a text saying that their DD says I, future SM, have hit her. BM says "I know that isn't true and you wouldn't do that, but figured I should let you know she said it." I was very confused. I would never in a million years do that, and have never!
She has now been threatening to file a 960 against me (for child abuse) whenever she does not get her way or the response that she is seeking from my SO. She consistently breaks their agreement by using their DD as segue to continue speaking for hours at a time. She would also call from phones at work so we would not recognize the number in attempts to get in touch when claiming it is URGENT, but that is never the case. She is highly over dramatic.
Well she didn't get her way this weekend and says she has gone ahead to file a 960 against me claiming I have abused their DD. I am at a complete loss in what I can do in moving forward. Obviously these claims are not true, and I still have the message of her saying she knows that. She has made everything 100x more difficult, and claims that my SO is the one that is difficult to co-parent with.
Anyone else have similar crazy BM's they are dealing with? I have a hard time holding my tongue this long with the amount of harassment that we deal with constantly from her.
The BM is my life is a crazy
The BM is my life is a crazy sociopath. Thankfully, my SO's daughters are older so he doesn't have to deal with her much anymore. But, when she reaches out to him all of his calls are recorded. He keeps records of everything. With your SD being so young, you should also take pics of her while she's with you, when she's leaving your house to go back to BM, just to show she's fine. This one sounds like she will push the envelope. My SO and his ex have been apart for 10+ years AND he had a son with another woman shortly after they split but she has asked him to get back with her. She also claims she hates him. I told him that BM will never forgive him for dumping her because sociopaths cannot live with that. Everything has to be someone else's fault. Keep records of EVERYTHING
I have been more diligent in
I have been more diligent in keeping records the past few months, as her temper tantrums have gotten out of control. She got upset that we planned on getting married in the state I am from (where my family is from and he has family), and states that we should have run all plans through her before doing anything.
She has also stated that she will not allow SD to attend. It has been a roller coaster and I am just trying to keep my cool over here!
My SO downloaded an app on
My SO downloaded an app on his phone that automatically records every call. We're planning on getting married next year and I told him not to tell her or his daughters yet. I'm sure she'll try to cause some issues. In my case, his 17yr old is not speaking to him and because of her horrible disrespect, she is not welcome in our home (my rule). I just told him if things don't drastically change, she's not welcome at our wedding or party either. Unfortunately, his daughters have already been poisoned by their mom. The 15 yr old is sweet and won't tolerate her mom trying to keep her from her dad. The 17 yr old is a b*tch and just like her mom. I've only been with my SO for 3 years. Hopefully, since your SD is young enough, she can be more influenced by your goodness rather than her BM's craziness.
Poor child. When a parent
Poor child.
When a parent calls with emergency room situation/doctors office/urgent care (BM IN your case) , ask that the attending DOC or nurse call your boyfriend. This may be your only proof child is actually admitted into ER. IF she claims she is unable to do this--tell her, WELL then I will wait for the call CLICK. No rushing to the hospital without proof.
Same goes for school. The principle or teacher will call you IF in the unlikely event something needs your attention/dads attention. Dad can put these measures in place at doctors offices and grade schools.
BM sounds like a whack-a-doodle.. Sorry.
Next keep your personal life close to the vest. I am all for ex's getting along for the sake of the kids. Trust me it is far better for the child that way. EASIER too. This shit takes way too much trouble and effort to be so 'weird'. Because of what appears to be unstable behavior of boyfriends ex, you and dad should seriously consider getting married quietly without the his little one present. It's not that serious for her to be there, sure you WANT her too but:
Imagine since BM will take the time to pretend a child is ill, drive to the hospital, snap a photo, send it to dad....what makes you think she will not drive to your home town on your wedding weekend?
Nahhh,,,,let this go. Are you willing to take that risk? Allow that risk? Say nothing more about the wedding and keep silent about your lives.
In case you didn't know:
**custody rarely changes unless a current custodial parent is in the clinker
just in case you had day dreams of going for full custody now that you two will be married.** save your money OR what is more plausible is 50 50 shared custody...dad might get that.**
Welcome to step talk. Life would be so much easier if parents actually cared more for their child than taking their precious life and energy to get BACK at the ex. Some actually wont stop the fight until the end of their days.
I'm not seeking taking her
I'm not seeking taking her away from her BM or having custody changed. What I am seeking are boundaries in that she doesn't get to be as involved in our lives as she thinks she is entitled to be.
I am realistic in knowing she is never going away, but something has to give. Fingers crossed she focuses more on herself in the future than she does on my SO and myself.
I would rethink a
I would rethink a relationship with a BM who's always threatening to report you for child abuse- but if not, you can keep track of the threats so that when/if a report does happen, you can show that it was threatened long beforehand.
As far as toxic exes and people in general- there's a book by Bill Eddy called BIFF- Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. You and SO should just stay within those guidelines at all times, and never defend or explain yourself to her. That just starts a never ending cycle.
drop the hope of future
drop the hope of future husbands little daughter attending the wedding.
The sooner you realize what YOU CAN control you will, and what think you can control, you wont....the better.
I know what I have to say is
I know what I have to say is not going to be easy to hear but I would have serious reservations about getting involved with someone who has such a toxic person in their lives.
You aren't even married and you are putting yourself at risk of being under CPS investigations. Every time that kid gets a bump or bruise on your SO's time.. guess what? She can try pulling this crap again.
Also, It seems like you have not been together very long unless he left his ex immediately upon her giving birth. I would be very cautious moving forward and certainly having a child with someone who has shown they may not stick around for a relationship after the kid is born.
I know it's not that easy, but from my perspective... you are young.. you have a decent chance of finding someone without this horrid baggage. I would cut my losses and run.
The child is only 3... you are talking about probably 20 years or more of having that EX try to interfere in your life and oh.. the adorable 3 yo gets PAS from her mother and starts hating you and does things to make you miserable. Believe me, many a relationship of women on here started out fine with the kids to only have it devolve into a crapfest.
Again, I'm sure you are looking for more constructive tools... but a high conflict toxic person is unlikely to be neutralized by much. If you want to avoid her.. you need to be out of this relationship period. So, yeah, she wins.. she chases you away.. but at least you don't grow bitter and miserable and wake up 10 years from now with a teen SD who hates you and resent your DH for putting you in this position.
Consider, also, that any
Consider, also, that any children you may have with your SO are hostage to BM's craziness and SO's ability to effectively manage the co-parenting dynamic.
You will not just be marrying SO. You are marrying his past, his family, his parenting style and his ability to manage BM's intrusion into your lives. ESMOD is correct regarding already putting yourself at risk with threats of CPS --- this can affect your career, your sanity, and your bank account.
I suggest that you spend some more time here reading other poster's blogs to gain insight into the reality of their steplife experience. I also suggest that you do not marry until the dust settles a bit.
Oh boy. I don't even know
Oh boy. I don't even know where to start.
Like others have said, your BF may be an awesome guy. You're going to have to decide if he's worth it, because things will get much, much worse.
When SD was 3, BM left DH for the man she'd been cheating with for over a year, Mealticket. BM and DH's divorce was final in mid-2008. BM and Mealticket are still not married.
I started dating DH March 2009 when SD was 5. He and I had been distant friends before that point. I very quickly found out his ex was psycho. My son and I came to DH's house a few times for dinner and a movie. I slept over a few times when neither of us had our kids. BM still had access to DH's house. She called him at work to find out if he'd had a girl over. I guess I left a hairpin in the bathroom or something and she'd been snooping while he was at work. She flew into a rage and said she hadn't given him permission to date anyone. She stalked me on facebook. She called DH to tell him she didn't want me in HER house, around HER dog, or around HER daughter, in that order. She said she was going to file a restraining order against me and my son, and have us both arrested for trespassing (in HIS house). She told him I was using him to get closer to her valuables (aka her worthless knick-knacks. yeah, that's it, because at six-figures I can't afford my own junk, and why the hell was her crap still in his house?), and then in the same conversation she said he was using me as his sugar-momma. She said she was afraid I was going to beat her up (was he supposed to feel protective??), then she turned around and threatened to tell me what a violent man he is (this is the moment when our long friendship came in handy, DH is like a giant smurf).
The crap that comes out of these women's mouths says a hell of a lot more about them than it does about you or BF. See how she relates? Relationships are transactional based on material gain. There's no such thing as mutual affection. People USE each other. And false accusations of abuse? Yeah, we all know what that is.
I'm no novice when it comes to the law. Beware of sleeping dragons. I had the locks on DH's house changed the same day. When we got off work, he called her and told her that the locks were changed and if she attempts to enter the property again SHE will be arrested for trespassing. He told her he put her crap out on the curb.
We moved in together November 2009. BM pawned SD off on us a lot, claiming to be too "sick" to take care of her. SD cried a lot and told me her mommy was dying (it is now 2017 and the troll is still alive, unfortunately). When home with BM, SD was expected to stay in her room and watch videos and let mommy sleep all day. SD's diet consisted of chips, popcorn, candy bars, cookies, and crackers. BM told several people we mutually knew funny stories about waking up not knowing where she was because she'd OD'ed on vicodin, methadone, oxycontin, or whatever. And all the crank phone calls she was making at all hours of the day and night, pissing off people who work for a living. Hilarious.
SD told me her mom hated me and doesn't want us to have fun together. SD said if she likes Ipso, her mom's feelings would be hurt. But SD started calling me Mom anyway, even though I never encouraged or suggested it. I think BM had SD calling Mealticket "daddy", so she thought it made sense? Honestly, I didn't like it. I have a full life with 3 kids of my own and an awesome career, and I didn't want another kid, but I felt sorry for SD back then. She told me she wanted me to be her mom. She even told my DD she wanted HER to be her mom. She really needed some nurturance (or so I thought. The narrative now though is, I wanted to steal BM's kid, you know, because SD is so special and I'm such a lonely, clingy loser.).
February 2010 we were out running errands with SD when DH stopped at a jewelry store. We looked at rings. After SD went home, he surprised me with one. It was Valentine's Day 2010. A few days later, BM called SHOUTING at DH about how inappropriate it was that we took SD with us to look at rings (wtf?). Oh, and by the way, coincidently, she'd had a [fake] "heart attack" the same day. At age 29. She'd had herself taken away by ambulance in front of SD, and left SD overnight with the stranger next door without contacting DH. The only thing that would make BM feel better? If DH were to break up with me. For SD of course, because she was being exposed to our toxic relationship, and BM was stressed out in concern for SD. You know, the kid who fended for herself since toddlerhood.
We didn't tell BM when or where our wedding was going to be, it was a complete surprise. SD was there but she pouted the whole time. It was a nightmare.
The daily BS is too much to go into here. Our BM is like a rabid dog. She has faked cancer numerous times. Talked about dying all the time in front of SD. Crank phonecalls to 911. She killed both of her siblings. Faked suicide attempts. Faked fundraisers. Fraud. Scams. Unpaid bills. Nonstop legal BS, she keeps getting stuffed and yet she can't seem to stop. The threats. The stalking. The works. She's a full blown psychopath. Yes, I know what that means. No, I do not take it lightly.
DH has had custody for over 5 years now. The PAS is awful. SD13 is a piece of work, a mini version of BM. Not only are these women terrible role models, they will also undermine you at every turn. No one can discipline their crotch nuggets. SD firmly believes she is entitled to have whatever she wants and do just as she pleases, and if not, we are being mean, abusive, controlling bullies. Her mother specifically told her so. This kid never outgrew the toddler tantrums. Well, neither did her mother. DH is a nice guy. Too nice. A pushover. And he is terribly naive. Most of these guys are. It doesn't make for good parenting.
.
My advice?
Whatever you do, don't lose your temper. BM is trying to goad you, don't let her win. The best way to disappoint her is to never speak with her. Don't give her anything she can use against you. All communication should be in writing. Ignore most of the crap she spews. Narcissists hate that. Correspondence should appear to come from DH, but you can ghostwrite for him if you want, just deny it if you or he are asked. Never let BM step foot inside your home. Start videotaping exchanges. Calls should be for true emergencies only, and all calls should be recorded if it is legal to do so in your state. Take lots of pictures. Keep everything. Don't try to be a mother to SD. She already has a mother. She will turn on you, guaranteed. 100%. No, I am not exaggerating.
If you decide to stay, come here whenever you need advice. We will help prevent mistakes.
I feel you! I'm in a similar
I feel you! I'm in a similar situation and when I read your story I want to scream at you to RUN AWAY!! Why would we set ourselves up for a lifetime of this? I love my man but after reading this forum and understanding the situation will never change but likely get worse - I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to break up with the man I love. This sux.