minimising my pain
i have been with dh for 20 + years and the skids are all adults and thankfully moved out of our house. bm dumped all the skids on their father when they each turned 18 and cs stopped.
still dh has the nerve to tell me it was not so bad.
he still cannot accept the untold amount of emotional stress and physical illness and daily h%ll the skids cause me while they were growing up. he said we only got them for school breaks and summers but those short times were filled with dealing all day with the skids while dh was at work. i was the baby sitter and yet had no authority to teach or discipline. then daddy came home after work and weekend and spoiled them with trips and gifts. i was made out to be the bad guy.
as the skids got older they got brattier and even threatend me with violence. dh has conveniently forgotten this. even living with bm they were arrested for petty theft and disciplined in their school for picking on school mates.
dh has selective memory about his children and is now glowing with paternal pride now that they are out of college and raising their own families. (one of the skids is making life h&ll for the in laws.)
i still resent dh for the lack of guts he had while the skids were growing up. he did not lift a finger to support me. only once did he support me when one skids told me to go to h*ll to my face and i showed her the door.
They wear those rose-tinted
They wear those rose-tinted glasses don't they? Nothing will remove that, even after a lot of water has gone under the bridge. I can only say that you have to try to move on and put it behind you- they no longer have to be part of your life and you need to make the most of your 'me' time.
That's the hardest part with
That's the hardest part with the step situation the minimizing of the pain that has been caused. The one person you expect to have your back in the time of need doesn't "because its his kids". I will never get that.
I agree with fairyo,try to move on, and remove them from your headspace. Know that you tried, and that it wasn't reciprocated, so you know you are the better person.
Why have you put up with
Why have you put up with this?
You had/have complete control of your life. I just do not understand why you allowed yourself to be treated like crap for DECADES.
For 20+ years you have lived with this anger, hurt.... And are still living with it. WHY????
What will it take for you to say I LOVE ME AND I DESERVE BETTER/MORE THAN THIS?
Sugarspice this has to be
Sugarspice this has to be about you not them- I know this is a venting site but you have to let go of the things you cannot change and the past is one of them. You can make the future, and it should be one that is free of resentment and bitterness.I'm not saying forgive anyone except yourself- you did what you did in good faith but don't ruin the rest of your precious life carrying it around.
For some reason many breeders
For some reason many breeders seem to think their crotch droppings are spe....cial when there is in reality little if anything at all that is special about so many children. Particularly the spawn of people who as indicated by the behavior of their spawn had no business breeding at all. Mere existence is nothing special. Performance is special. "Special" without performance is delusion and those rose colored parental glasses filter out reality for far too many parents.
My SIL is on of these parents. Her fall back excuse is always "I know, my kids are assholes but what do you want me to do about it?" I have no issue with her spawn. When they pull their asshole bullshit with me I grab them by an ear, give it a twist, march them to the nearest corner and place their face in the corner with their nose in contact with the intersecting walls, swat them on the ass and tell them if they so much as twitch from that corner before I get tired and tell them to move I will swat them on the butt again.
It works wonders. It does not take long for their behavior to improved in short order once Uncle Rags shows up. Everyone else in family just bitches about her toxic crotch nuggets behind her back while I shine a spotlight on the situation. I don't care of toxic spawn of friends or family like me or not. But they will behave reasonably in my presence or they are confronted about their behavioral choices. So far none of the toxic spawn have taken their crap into adulthood ..... at least any of them that I interface with. The toxic ones who didn't figure it out prior to adulthood for some reason dont seem to want to see me.... probably because they know that I will not tolerate their crap as adults since I clearly demonstrated that I would not tolerate their crap when they were children.
And.... I have fun rubbing SILs nose in her parental failures. }:)
thank you rags and other
thank you rags and other posters for the support.
most parents dont have a clue on how to deal with their children.
what about some good old fashioned discipline, now known as "boundaries." parent are so guilt filled they fear their own children.
it is very hard to see a grown man shrivel in front of his teen or adult children when they black mail him. i want to scream, "man up, for heavens sake!"
Sugar, I understand your
Sugar,
I understand your frustration with parents that wilt in front of their children. That sets no example. Rather it sets those kids up for a lifetime of sub par performance IMHO. I suppose that I am a very fortunate man since my incredible bride has bigger balls then I have.
I think her apprenticeship under my own mom spelled the end of my testicular dominance in our marriage. Again.... 
My brother and I learned at a very young age that mom nor dad would tolerate any crap from us behaviorally. My mom let my wife know early in our marriage that she should broach no crap from me either. So much for my man card. :O
I sincere hope that your DH finds his man and dad cards soon.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
rags, i know from many years
rags, i know from many years of marriage that i have to rely on myself to get what i want from life.
dh is an enabler and some of his children are losers: drugs and alcohol, can't hold a job, sexual relationships with work supervisors and then getting fired, care accident after car accident, the list is endless.
each time they screw up daddieeee is there to help them out and offer up money. they have learned nothing and are almost 30.
i think single parents and non custodial parents fear losing their children for some reason and hand over all decision making to their own children. i have seen this in my nephew. he is 30 and has not held a job in years and has a fantasy of being in a rock band. my brother has spent untold thousands of dollars on musical equipment. add to this the young man plays video games until dawn, then goes to sleep. he rises in the late afternoon. my brother likes the arrangement of having his son in the house as housekeeper and cook. its really unhealthy. my brother has not dated since the son was born (bm was a drug addict.)
SugarSpice, I also struggle
SugarSpice,
I also struggle with this and have posted before about it. My husband did not get the immense amount of pain I was in after 16 yrs of trying and putting up with abuse and his inability to have my back, Until I totally and completely disengaged from his daughter. She could care less but it is slowly but surely showing everyone else what she is. I no longer buy gifts or sign cards, so when she throws a tantrum about how crappy the gift is, it doesn't bother me anymore. The longer I have been disengaged the more power and control of my life I feel I have back. She is not allowed in my home, I have never met her child she had out of wedlock and supports on welfare. It really was a matter of self preservation for me. I wish you luck in finding your way through this.
I did see a counselor for a bit, it helped a little. I did see a psychiatrist for an antidepressant and it helped a whole lot. I love my husband, I don't love what happened during that very difficult time. There is no doubt that he sees it now.
my dh is still constantly
my dh is still constantly giving his children the lions share of the hunt and i am left with the scraps.
people tell me i should leave but its not as easy as that.
i find also that disengagement is a powerful tool and one must be consistent with it.
from the outside i can watch the worlds of dh and his children crumble when they become victims of their own willful ignorance.
the skids are finally in adulthood reaping the results of their own choice be it drugs, addictions or being mean and heartless to their fellow man. one of the skids has a real sadistic streak that is concealed by being all sugary sweet in front of dh.
karma will eventually catch up to any one and no one escapes it.
so it doesn't get easier as
so it doesn't get easier as they get older!!!!
i am going on 7 years under 1 roof and losing hope of anything getting better!
i learned that if you go out of your way or not ~ does not matter! you will always be the bad guy!
SugarSpice: I've followed
SugarSpice: I've followed your posts and relate totally. The advice you are receiving here is excellent. I also tried every avenue to deal with my grown SD. My two grown SS's have always shown me respect; with that said I've never treated any of my skids differently.
My story is a long drawn out saga, if you've read my posts. It has taken eight years to finally get where I am. I have let it go, set myself up with my own finances, have my own life, and have disengaged totally from SD and DH's relationship.
I have not made it comfortable for my SD56 to visit our home. I no longer hostess her in any way, including visiting with her. I have NEVER had words with SD, wish I could say the same about my DH; but I am understood. I do whatever I feel comfortable in my own home; SD is nothing to me, and I leave no doubt in anyone's mind. I have set boundaries for myself, and DH either accepts our life as "ours", or he is out the door.
I say all of this, but would like to add, it is very difficult. It will never go away, because SD will never let it lie or apologize to me. So we move forward with disliking and staying away from each other, which works good for me. It makes it more difficult for SD and DH, but they created the situation with gossip and jealousy, so they are now forced to deal with Karma.
Bottom line: I make it happen for me. It will not be handed to you. After 37 years of marriage, I am a stronger, better person. DH and SD actually brought the "real me" out. I am happy. I sat down with my DH, more than once, and explained that I would no longer tolerate SD's aggression, that he needed to grow some balls to handle her, and if things are not going well, it's his problem. My marriage is different, but actually better.
Staying here and venting has been the motivation and solution for me. I still have bad days and difficult situations. But I have accepted the facts are what they are, and I am capable of handling it, as I love my DH and want my marriage. Please set yourself up financially and never short yourself for Skids or DH. You don't have to tell anyone, just take care of yourself first.
I am not going to start over after 37 years, just because my SD wants to run me off. SD has tried for 37 years to destroy our marriage, she has a "control" problem. Time has healed DH and I; SD has only lost the chance to enjoy her Father in his later years.
sammi, i have also read your
sammi, i have also read your posts and understand.
i have adults skids and one just became a new mother. since her teen years she always had a mean streak and used it against other school mates. i suspect the motherhood crown will give her even more of an entitlement sense.
she is starting to bully her husband who happens to be a real push over. even a push over will reach his breaking point and i am terrified he will divorce her and she will wind up moving back in with us.
i am also a stronger person for all i have experienced. i am disengaged. i am still amazed at all the drama and lack or morals i see though.
I am very sorry. It is never
I am very sorry. It is never too late to leave and start over. Remember that. You could have a life without someone who never has your back. Those stepkids could be in your rearview mirrior permanently.