I thought that since he is making such an effort to remain in the grandchildren lives even though they are his step-grandchildren it is a good thing, as he treats them really well, especially since their maternal grandparents have nothing to do with them. I thought that for the sake of the grandchildren I should be cordial, and I was, at least the first two times he was here. Somehow, that feeling in me has changed, maybe because of the tone of the emails, I no longer want to see him. That is what I am feeling right now and again I am going through a grieving process. I really hate that thoughts about ss still have such a negative effect on me. He is no longer in my life and will never be and yet he still affects me even though it has been a year since I saw him. True healing will occur when he has no effect on me, when I can no longer feel the hate that I have for him.

I also now think the ex is using visiting gc as a way to see me. Which I do not understand as he is still clearly still angry at me and lives with his ds. On most days I deal with the situation just fine, however it seems that I am still emotionally enmeshed with ex. When he does contact me or when I think about him I also think about ss and everything that happened because of him and the way my ex handled the situation. It feels terrible to feel like seconds, that is the feeling that I want to disappear and I am having trouble being free from such thoughts.

What is odd is that at this point of my life those closest to me, whom I loved, including my ds, the one that lived with my ex after I departed, have all divorced me. I helped to move ds here two months ago, and he also got angry at me, because I wanted to talk about the issues we were encountering, he really vented at me and departed in anger with gks. He behaved just like my ex. I was shocked! Why had I not noticed that he had absorbed alot of the qualities that my ex has when I was living there.

My immediate response has been to let go of all of them, that is what I have done. My heart hurts and I have not seen my gks in a while. Wondering why is it that these individuals feel that they can treat me this way, my ss, my ex, and my ds. I am questioning my behavior, wondering what I could have done to improve the situation. Truthfully it feels really good to wake up and not have to deal with anyone or with the phone ringing. It is not like me to detach the way I have. I have made no attempt to reach out to even my ds or gks. I just want to be left alone, and at this point do not want to engage in any interaction with anyone who has hurt me and have not made amends.

Now my ex, who wants nothing to do with me, wants my company, even through he still lives with his son. Everything seems crazy and it just occurred to me that he may want to have his cake, to keep us both, however with me it is with no commitment.

You are right dwelling about the past does not help and blocking phone etc. is a good idea. I guess what also perplexes me is my reaction of detachment and not wanting to have anything to do with them. I do not want to see them, and I am sadden by my behavior of complete detachment of those that I loved. Normally, I would be reaching out hoping to mend the relationship, it is not like me to behave this way.

It amazes me how a adult step who supposedly loves their parents wants to undermine their happiness just because they can. Also, how the parent will be cruel to the one they supposedly love, their dw or dh, in order to appease their adult child. To disengage means keeping a blind eye to the time and money that is robbed from our relationship with our dw or dh. Not to mention the stress the evolves from it. The adult child's need to still be treated like a small child and be the center of attention. Never in my life have I witnessed anything like this until I became the stepparent to an adult child. No one understands it until they have gone through it. My own sister even said "something is wrong with ss, and I should just accept the behavior", but deep inside you know that all, in my case ss, actions are done to do harm both to his father and to me. How is it that one person can be allowed to act with intentional cruelty with no repercussions for his actions. When I first realized what was going on, I could not believe that steps with this type of agenda really existed. I kept not believing and the more I tried to ignore it, the more effort of overt cruelty was made, slamming doors on my face, kicking my dog, turning his back to me, putting lots of food on his plate when I cooked and not touching it so that it can be thrown away, the constant phone calls and so forth. Yet, my ex's need to have his ds loved, because I think he knew that his ds was not lovable except by his parents, superceded his own life to the point at the age of 72 making him his life partner. It seems so evil to me.

Ex is a reformed alcoholic that has not touched a drop in 30-40 years. However, I do believe that in his mind he is still an alcoholic, as one day he just stopped drinking as he did not believe in AA or actually in anything, not even a higher power. Which is fine, however he never dealt with the devils that tormented his soul/mind. In spite of everything, and he was cruel in the way he handled the separation and divorce because I dared complained for the second time in the entire time we have been together about his ds.

The first time we were on vacation and his ds would not stop calling because of all things he was on a date with a woman and her family was calling the entire time they were on a date. I was so frustrated as I could not get my dh off the phone, it felt like I was by myself on the vacation. Then I expressed "your son is acting like a baby, he is doing the same thing he is complaining about", my dh turned and looked at me, and as cold hearted as he could, told me "I hate you" and when we get back I am going to divorce you". When we got back he shunned me for the longest time about 6 weeks and filed for divorce. He then recanted the divorce after a while.

This last time I was flying out to visit with my mother and instead of spending time with me, he spent it with his ds. I expressed my frustration and when I arrived at my mothers he bombarded me with very cruel emails. He refused to accept my calls to talk about it. He finally gave me an ultimatum to be back in a week. I could not leave my mother as her blood sugar was dropping to 60 over night. I thought she might not make it. He filed for divorce and would still not talk to me and let me come back after that, said he would get a legal injunction to prevent me from coming back. He filed and had the divorce done in three weeks. I flew back for the divorce and left with what could fit in my car, 25 years and I left mostly everything behind. He even went through all my photos of my children when they were babies and my grandchildren, I had albums full, hundreds and he just sent me a flat rate envelope of what he thought I should have. Included in the pictures was a picture of him. I now have maybe 30 pictures of the last 35 years.

In spite of everything I still wish him a good life, he has had a stroke, a heart attack and went blind in one eye all within the last 2 years. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. I just have never seen, in my entire life, until I experienced what did where the adult child comes before the spouse. To have experienced what I did seems surreal, especially now that I am no longer involved in their enmeshment. It really is a sickness and in my dh case even though I went through years of counseling to deal with it, he refused to participate for more than a couple of weeks of counseling and as soon as I brought up the topic of his ds he quit. I really tried hard, but he still prioritized his ds, as a result my self esteem has faltered quite a bit. I am now working on it, however I find myself difficult to trust at this time. That in itself will never allow me to try again with dh. I absolutely do not trust him. His ds comes first!!! Please believe your dh or dw when they say their adult child comes first.

I have read posters where the parent, says to their spouse, that their adult child comes first and my first inclination is to say "leave" do not waste one more minute. I wish I had taken my own advice. I just never thought that something as simple as expressing frustration because he spent the day with his ds would have led to this.

It has been a blessing in disguise, I love the peace and quiet I have in my little space. He would also throw all my things out when I lived there, I learned to check the garbage as I walked in the house. Now everything in my little place is mine and no one is going to dispose of it. He even tried to have my beloved dog of 7 years put to sleep when I was visiting my mother one time. The vet refused. In the end, I had to give up my do for fear that he would succeed in having him put to sleep.

This man is clearly not well, however what does it say about me. I stayed with him in spite of everything he did. I do not know how things just evolved the way they did. Like being in warm water and all of a sudden it is boiling hot and I was unaware of the temperature going up.

I really appreciate all the advice. It really helps, I still do not have a job as I broke my finger and my eye keeps on getting really red making it hard to go out doors or even have the curtains open. It is hard knowing that there is no one I can reach out to for help, financial or emotional. I am surviving though. The fact that he is coming back again has brought all my emotions up again, it is as if though I am reliving everything again.

I stayed in contact as my ds and grandkids were living in the apartment upstairs his home when I left. I was worried about ds as he was under enormous stress. However, I moved him and gks out here two months ago and it really was a feeling of relief knowing that there was no reason to be in contact. The final thread that kept me bound was cut when ds and gks came here. Now ex visiting the gks I think is an excuse to continue to keep the thread between me and him intact. In my last email, I also stated that I do not feel comfortable being in his presence and do not want to accompany him when visiting with gd. That is when he wrote that he was sorry that everything turned out to be a fuc&&&%$ mess. Which surprised me as this man has only really apologized once the entire time we were together. The way he would apologize was to say "I am sorry you feel that way". Only once apologized for his actions.

The best reward to leaving is that I was taking 21 medications daily when I lived there. I had so many health issues, now I have none of the medical issues that I had there. I consider that a huge miracle, a friend that I made here says that it was the stress that made me ill and I no longer have the stress that occurred because of Dh and ss, all my ailments have healed or gone away. I have also lost 50lbs without trying or dieting. The sad thing is that a huge portion of my life was spent in such an unloving environment.

This is getting more complicated. I received notice from ex's bank that he deposited $200 into my account. Six more days until he arrives here. Ugh!!!

Guilt! I think. Or, because he is due to arrive soon and I said no to seeing him. He always believed that money talks. He is a millionaire and I walked away with a 1998 car and monetarily very little. I think he finds it quite confusing that I did not challenge, beg, or pleaded with him. I did not argue, I just walked away!

The $200 means nothing to me. Considering when we were dating he was sending an ex-girlfriend $600 every month for a year because she had fallen on hard times, ex-professor who lost her job, however she was living rent free in Aunties house, was receiving an income of some kind and had a boyfriend. Towards the end of the year he found out she was a drug addict.

He also gave his sister an additional $30,000, just because, even though they had both inherited the same amount from their father. She has been married to an Engineer for 40 years and owned their home. Her life is quite economically stable. I still do not understand why he did what he did. Strangely, when I asked him about it, he threw a fit and this was another time he said he was going to divorce me, just because I asked. Something way more to this story that I was not privy to.

Or, he gave his ds $150,000 to put into his IRA and his ds gave him his word he would not touch it. One of the things ex would boast about was how his ds had never lied to him. Two years later he found out his ds was an alcoholic and had gone through every cent even though ss was employed and ex was paying his rent, cable, gym membership, all medical and sometimes groceries.

Anyway, it is water under the bridge, but after all this time somehow the emotions are still reacting. I hope his ds is making his life miserable now that they live together. SS is such a difficult person, the constant daily whining, drama and anger. Amazingly, from what I have read on the posters is seems that most of the sks seem to have the same character flaw of whining, drama and passive aggression. Yet, they still receive positive attention and financial support in spite of their behavior. How does this happen?

In hind sight, I realize that he was my ex's significant other/mini wife all this time and that I really did not have a chance with the relationship. The outcome was inevitable. What I could not understand is that ex really saw his ds being a "good catch" for any female, and that he was a really good person. I could not believe how he saw his ds when he was really a a fat slovenly slug, with thick dandruff and pimples all over his face because he just refused to take care of himself and to take the medication necessary to keep it under control. At times I could not stand to look at his face because I was repulsed by what I saw, and many times out in public I would see persons also appalled by what they saw, and take a double look not believing their eyes. It was gross. I would cringe when he would come over and get into my 2-person hot tub. I would have to empty it and re-fill it as I could bring myself to climb into after seeing the bloody sores on his body from scratching the bumps. Yet, my ex saw a muscular body and would boast to ss about his muscles when it was really just flab. I still do not understand how my ex saw his ds.

I am definitely an ex-stepmother who will advice you to run for the hills if you are considering a relationship with someone who has an adult child constantly clawing for your significant other's attention. However, when I do read the posters where you say that your dh loves you and you know it. It makes me feel good to read that your dh is trying because he loves you and because of that your relationship has a huge chance of succeeding. It is not natural to have a ss like mine trying to undermine his father's marriage because he wants the role of being the significant other.

One thing for sure is that I would rather be single from here until forever than to be with someone who has an adult child. I will never go through with what I went through. I know I am venting, thank you for listening. It really helps to get it out.

Revelation!! Thank you all in that I had not realized that I was still living in the past until quite a few of stated so in your posters. It just hit me that you are right. I woke up with that realization, it just hit me square on. I am still trying to process why!!! How he could have done what he did because I simply complained about his ss for the 2nd time in 25 years. I guess I was in disbelieve because I thought that he did love me. The fact that you caught on, that I have not moved on, I now know is accurate. I have not moved on! If I had I would not let his actions still affect me the way they have and still feel the pain that I do from what he did. I am still questioning what exactly I did wrong.

It is also clear that he has not moved on. He is still trying to hang on to me, to keep the connection in whatever manner he can. However, it is clear that his ds will be by his side from here until forever. I now see how strong their enmeshment is. It is sad and it is sickening. They both have a mental illness that does not allow them to live independently of each other, even for a day, and in his ds case not even for hours. That is what used to frustrate me, I could not understand why they did not strife for even "one day".

Moreover, in order for ex to make it seem that his actions were normal he characterized me as the one with the mental disorder, I became the scapegoat, and he was also cruel in how he did it and what he did to make sure that I understood the label that he put on me was accurate. I was constantly questioning my sanity.

As I mentioned, he is a reformed alcoholic and would get very upset at me if I had more than 2 glasses of wine in one day, even if we were on a cruise. Yet, he would go out and literally buy $200 worth of wine bottles for me at a time. One Xmas he gave me, as a gift, 12 bottles of different liquors, strangely I could not bring myself to even drink one drop from a bottle. I sensed the evil intent in his gift. Then when we went to the marriage counselor he accused me of being an alcoholic.

He was diagnosed as a diabetic and went to the classes on how to deal with it, to know what to eat etc. Months later I was diagnosed as a diabetic, and one day immediately after he comes home with $120, 10 pounds of candy from a specialty candy store, as a gift for me. Again, I sensed the evil intent. He wanted me harmed. He is an extremely intelligent man, when I thought about his motives for doing so, I was extremely hurt. Why would my dh want to hurt me, make me ill, or worse cause my death. My thought was that he did not want anyone to shed light on his and his ds very mentally unhealthy enmeshment so that he could preserve the perversity of their relationship. I finally now realize that in his very evil intentions he was "protecting his ds against me".

Yet, it is as if though I am still trying to justify that I was not a bad wife and sm, to what end. To prove what??

Strangely, this process of writing what I have on ST is pulling everything out of me, it is an act of purging the poison that still lays within me from my relationship with both dh and ss. How I wish I had been stronger and not have let them do what they have done to my soul.

To a degree even the $200 is insult to injury. Why is he doing it?? BTW, We do not have a joint account, he has my account number. He never wanted to have any joint anything. The only thing that we were "joint" on was health insurance.

My nature has always been to be very easy going, and for that I have paid a dear price. Thank you for all your feedback, it is very revealing to what is going on within me. It has felt like I am holding a mirror to my soul, and you are the mirror. I am still in awe of your very intuitive and insightful remarks. There are 4 more days before he arrives. I am working very hard on purging him from my mind and heart before he gets here. It feels like a vomiting process of his being, his person. My body and soul are racking from the process, everyday is becoming quite a challenge.

SacrificialLamb I agree he is coming to sniff at my skirt. My ex is also not a very attractive man, he is also very short, shorter than me, and has a 56" waist, bald and does not bathe very often. Maybe about once a week, this was always such an issue for me. You could say that in the case of my ss, the apple did not fall far from the tree. The strange thing is that he has a very strong ego. However, it is an ego that I could never bring myself to challenge, even though I could see its frailness.

He never understood that it was not his looks that attracted me. It was his intellect and other good qualities he possesses. He may be able to attract another woman, however I do believe that at his age 72 years old, and due to how much his hygiene has diminished even more by his mental state, as I do believe he is now depressed, his relationship with his ds, the chances of having a relationship with a female are "none".

His enmeshment really is an illness, as he probably does not have many years left to life, as he has already experienced a heart attack, a stroke that left him blind in one eye, and yet he cannot be separated even for a day from his ds. I think that in all the posters I have read on ST, his case of enmeshment is the most extreme. He has truly sacrificed, and will continue to do so, until he takes his last breath to prioritizing his ds above all else. The result is that his ds is an emotional cripple who upon the loss with his parents will suffer immensely as he does not know how to self soothe, entertain himself, or even make the simple necessary decisions to function in life without being told what to do.

What my ex thinks are loving actions towards his ds have made his ds an empty shell of a person. SS is a man who cannot think for himself, will never have a stable relationship with a female. He does not need to, as his parents supply all of his emotional needs. In his entire life he has had one girlfriend who lasted 1 year, and then she accused him of stalking her and got an injunction against him. The even more bizarre thing is that my ex would pay for all ss dates with her, and he also paid for all the mother's day, birthday, xmas gifts that ss got for his mother, even though ss was 47 years old.

Funny how I have shoved all of ex actions aside into the far recesses of my mind, things that I did not feel were right, in order to maintain my relationship with him at the time. It is helping me to remember these things now, as I can be more objective about them, now that I am no longer sharing an environment with him, and really evaluate my own actions, motives, and decisions of why I was in a relationship with him.

Writing all this down on ST and getting the feedback has been very helpful.

About a year ago someone on steptalk referred to him as a narcissist, before then I had never considered him to be one. I am still wrapping my head around it, however after reading about it, he is truly one. I finally see the characteristics of it in him. The true test for me of "no contact" will be his up coming trip. When he advised me of his upcoming trip I replied that I will be having nothing to do with him. Because my ds and gkids were there I felt that I needed to maintain contact with him. It was very freeing when my ds moved here.

I think my ex will be surprised as I have always maintained contact, irregardless of what he did or said. It took so much energy to suppress my needs and desires in order to keep the balls in the air. I can finally stop playing and let them drop.

No, I do not need to be in town. However, a true test of my character and self esteem will be to simply not respond or if I do is to tell him I wish not to seem him. The latter is what I am proposing to do. It will give me much satisfaction to be able to verbally tell him that I want nothing to do with him. I think he will be shocked with my response. Never, ever, have I verbally said anything like that to him, while married I accepted him with open arms, always! After the divorce, I still accepted him, until recently when his continual rejection of me became a weekly event through his emails. He must have felt such satisfaction feeling that he had me between a rock and hard place because of my ds and gkids.

When he divorced me he actually had the audacity to tell me that my life was going to be extremely difficult because he was no longer in it. Truthfully, it has been as I have had to learn to put one step in front of the other. Financially it still sucks, however I am still surviving and experiencing good things and going to nice places, equal to the places he would take me to. I think, what are the odds that my life has turned out this way. I think if this is my low point, imagine what it will be when it gets better. Without a job, and not having been formally employed for 10 years, I managed to rent a two-bedroom/2-bath condo with a deck in front of a pool. I have made friends, one is a physician, the other was on a board of a bank and owned a restaurant, another woman is an attorney who owns her own company. These people came into my life with no effort on my part. It is as if they just miraculously appeared. The oddest thing is that these women in my life are all single and have never had children. Considering that I lived a very isolated life when married, I had one friend the entire time and she lived across the country. I was very lonely, in spite of being married.

I have so much faith that all will be well, and that a greater good is looking out for me. That is what has been sustaining me, and it is deeply ensconced within me. He never understood that what I am going through as a result of his rejection is really nothing compared to what I have gone through before him, and have succeeded in spite of it.

SacrificalLamb when you wrote "It concerns me you refer to "continual rejection" after the divorce. Why wasn't the divorce enough rejection for you and why did you sign up for more, with the clear-headedness you apply to other situations?" I just realized that I, like my ex, was prioritizing my ds and gkids over my own life. I just realized we were like two peas in a pod regarding our dc, his situation was more extreme, however I am also guilty of swallowing my pride and devoting numerous resources in terms of time, money, and energy to my adult children and other adults, instead of taking care of myself. My body knew and it rebelled by the illnesses I developed that were debilitating. I now realize my ex was so attracted to me because he saw it as an opportunity to finally have a relationship with a female, as he was a bachelor for 20 years after he was first divorced, that would allow him to continue with the enmeshment with his ds. I finally rebelled and said, as in the fairy tale, "the king is not wearing clothing". He was furious.

Apart from moving my ds and gkids here which really helped to sever the final string that attached me to my ex. I have also let go of my own children. As I mentioned in a previous post, my ds and I, for the first time ever, had a falling out. I dared to mention my discontent about his behavior, ds reacted strongly and left. Similar to my ex when I mentioned my discontent to spending time with his ds, when he should have been spending it with me, as I was leaving, he also reacted strongly and pushed me away. These two things have really helped me to shift my realities.

For the first time ever I have felt liberated from helping adult children, or other adults, who should be taking care of themselves. The end result is that every adult whom I have helped to take care of their issues, that they should have been taking care of themselves, are angry at me. Me, I have finally learned to write their behavior off, and let things be, because they are reacting as a result of their self-interest with little concern about me. I have also prayed that they find the strength to stand on their own two feet as I have had to.

Do I think of my son and gkids now and then? Yes1 Then I tell myself he is a man, let him figure it out. Have I given any time, money, energy to these adults since this epiphany occurred? Absolutely not! As I mentioned before, I have purposely made my world really, really small. It is as I am starting off with a clean slate, carefully weeding who would be in it. My ex is the final person, and if I could do this to my own children, I know I can certainly do it with him. With this realization comes the resurfacing of anger for what has been done to me. I cannot let the anger consume me and that is why I have to voice it. Thank Goodness for this website.

TwirlMS I absolutely love the Corinthians verse. I will also remember it. Thank you!

Sandye21, what is interesting for me is everything I am sharing on this site is a revelation to me. What wonders being able to speak, or in this case write, of what is inside of me does to heal. I too waver between being angry at myself for allowing myself to be a victim and for what??? To be loved? Love should not be this way. I pray that before I take my final breath that I will truly know what it truly is to feel love without conditions. A love that is one of acceptance.

Looking back at all this mess in my life with my ex, it truly was abusive and it manifested in me a person that I did not like. I am now starting to like myself, and I am getting the courage to speak my voice again. It was amazing how I was silenced in so many ways, with so many consequences, if I did speak what was my truth.

The sad thing is that so many of us are tormented solely because our dh or dw want us to treat their dc like infants, instead of the adults they really are. We are required to treat their emotional needs by forsaking our own. That we are to behave like non-persons when around these adult children.

How many times have I read about the cowardness that dh and dw display because they do not want to confront their dc due to the cruelty they are subjecting you to. Yet we stand by our dh or dw knowing that we will be thrown under the bus. What they do not realize is that we are doing so because we truly love them, and it is for no other reason. They think we are weak and blind when in fact it takes enormous strength to endure what we have endured because of love. They do not realize how fortunate they are to have someone that is dedicated to them and love them unconditionally. I think that is what pains me the most, the stupidity of my dh to throw something as rare as unconditional love for his ds, who gives a shit about his df. A ds who is so self absorbed and selfish and will never realize what his df gave up for his sake.

The hardest thing is seeing these adult children snickering because of it. How many times did my ss pretend I was not standing in front of him, as if I was invisible. It pains me and angers me that I allowed this in order to please dh who at the end threw me out like garbage, with his chest swelled out, because he was protecting his ds.

Wow Kes, it is so true! It is as if song was written especially for me. I get so many compliments by strangers when I am out regarding my appearance. When that happens I just do not know what to say, I am thrown of guard. Remember I was so isolated and interacted with only my immediate family and a couple who were ex's friends, and the husband did not like me. My ss treated me like shit and most of the time my dh was shunning me to teach me a lesson. When I am told that I am beautiful, it is like "what" and I look around to see if they are talking to someone else.

People now seek me out. Just last night a new friend called to meet her for happy hour, and the night before another friend asked me out for dinner at a really neat restaurant. I am so busy and I am laughing out loud. My stress level has basically disappeared, I am not afraid anymore, my health is better, and I no longer need medication to sleep. Some new friends learned my favorite song and sung it to me. It is amazing what eliminating toxic people can do to one's life.

What is concerning for me is that I let a low-life ss and dh affect me that way they did and I allowed them to mold me into a a person who lived in fear, who took 21 pills everyday for health issues, who was very lonely and had to do most things by myself even though I was married, who could not even take a deep breath or sigh when ss was around lest my dh would get angry at me as he thought I was doing it because of ss. Who was told I had to sit with them, to keep ss company, even though he never uttered one word to me when they watched sports, and watching sports is my least favorite activity. Who was constantly shunned both by dh and ss.

The thing is that they are such ugly people, but somehow I let them control me and I acted like a little puppy wagging my tail and wanting to be patted on the head. So many years and such a waste of my life. Great sadness comes from knowing that my life could have been lived in joy and peace and it was not, and for what? The hardest thing for me is to learn to trust again. I now evaluate everyone's actions and intentions and want to run as soon I suspect something is not right, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt. I was never like that. Trusting is difficult for me.

I read so many posters where "trusting" and being on guard with what the sc motives are is always in question and constant. This is truly a sad effect from being involved with adult skids for the sake of the spouse.

Actually, I have had numerous persons telling to write a book as I have led a very interesting life and have had very incredible and amazing experiences. Some which are hard to believe, especially at a spiritual level. Even now I still question the experiences as they seem so surreal. I really appreciate your compliment about writing. Maybe I will take a big step and start with a title. I am always amazed that people do tell me to write. Thank you!

This may be hard for you to read.

I had a very difficult childhood as I guess many on this site have had. My father had a 7 grade education and my mother stopped as a high school freshman. My father was an alcoholic who was extremely abusive. At his worse tried tried to kill my sister in front of us by choking her, she was around 4 years old. He burned our house down after the divorce because he was not awarded it, we were left homeless and without any clothing other than what we were wearing at the time. He also shot a man on the back and stood there to watch him die. Fortunately, the man survived. He spend his senior years in prison.

My mother used shunning as her method of discipline. She was always ill and being the elder child of 5 children, I had a lot to deal it. Her shunning was extreme. When I wanted to go to college which was 30 miles away, she did not talk to me for 6 months. I left with $5.00 in my pocket because although I had worked from as far as I could remember, I worked in the fields picking onions, and in a packing shed putting carrots in plastic bags at the age of 12 years old. I did what ever I could to be employed. I gave her my paycheck to help support the family as we were very poor.

I remember at the age of 22 years old, in tears, asking her if she loved me as she had never uttered the words. She was not one to hug or kiss her children. When I would be very upset and crying over what I was going through as a child she would call my grandmother and I would be rubbed down with alcohol to calm me down.

My first husband was an alcoholic who hit me. I left with my children with $200 in my pocket. With my children I finally managed to find a place to live, however I did not have a refrigerator or stove. I used an ice chest to keep food cold and a camping stove to cook until I could get on my feet.

What my ex has since done to me because of his enmeshment with his ds, I can handle as I have endured much worse and have survived.

I am now 63 years old and very tired of people treated me badly. I managed to get two Bachelor Degrees, my Masters and passed my Doctoral exams, as a single parent working two jobs. I have been awarded scholarships, fellowships and assistantships. I know I am no dummy. My last job was teaching upper division undergraduate students. I have received awards for my teaching methods and even attended an internship at Phillips Academy in Andover. Then I got ill and had to stop as it was very hard to function. My illness lasted 2 years of being undiagnosed. It turned out I was allergic to one of the medications I was taking.

I am physically tired and all I want to do is have a very simple job with no stress to bring homes, such as a waitress. In the meantime, I have been supporting myself by buying things in thrift stores and reselling them on Ebay. I know that I need to heal and that is what I am focusing on. I absolutely want nothing to do with individuals who get angry with me because I do not behave the way they want me to.

What has saved me are my spiritual experiences which started two years ago out of the blue. They have been profound. I was given proof that I am not alone and that I am loved just the way I am. As a result, I no longer have fear and I feel incredibly loved by something greater than us humans. Almost everyday I look at the proof that I was given, and I am in disbelief of the incredible gift that I have received.

So, I guess the answer is yes, I am the product of parents who are/were narcissistic and a father who was psychotic. That is why I bonded with my ex the way I did and that is why he was attracted to me. I have the strength to endure and survive, it feels that I have been prepared by my past to overcome what has been handed to me at this time.

The one thing I would like to feel is unconditional love. I have never experienced it.

Sugarspice like you I can't help to feel sorry for the man. However, because of his ds he has been extremely cruel to me to show his ds that he comes first. All this because he divorced ds's mother and moved away when ds was 12. Ds knows this and has taken advantage of the situation. He has connived and manipulated his df for a long time, even in front of me because he knew that his df would not believe me. In spite of everything that has happened I do care for my ex, and because of this, I feel sorry that he feels such an obligation to his ds to the point of devoting his life to him. He is 72 and his health is not good, I wish he would just let go and just focus on himself as he does not have many years to life. However I know that will not happen, what a shame.

Help! I feel ex's presence in the area where I live. Granddaughter texted me yesterday and she alluded to it. What this has done is resurfaced feelings or both love and hate. I feel like I should reach out, and yet I loathe to do so. So conflicting, I am having trouble stilling my mind. He has not contacted me yet, I wish he would so that I can do what I need to do, and that is not respond. I do not like the anticipation thinking that he will be contacting me. I just want it over with. I am having trouble stilling my mind. I have been keeping busy and also socializing every night, however it is still present in my mind. I can't wait till his departure date which is in 3 more days. Then I will feel like I can breathe again.

I gave my mother a call yesterday and she said that she did not understand what I ever saw in him, that he looks so old and always has looked like an old man. She also commented on my first husband saying how fat and ugly and why did I want to be with him. I did not need to hear these things.

Sandye21, you are so sweet! This is the only year I have not sought a therapist to deal with issues dealing with members of my family. It irks me that they can act like jerks and still feel good about it. Yet, I have been the one to seek therapy to deal with such cruelty. I am so tired of having to learn to sideswipe such cruel behavior. Frankly, at times I feel like being the jerk and telling them to f*ck off, I just don't have it in me to do so. Sadly, I am getting there and that saddens me. I do not want to be like them.

My mother is 83 years old and she takes 4 oxycontin and 1 morphine pill a day. She is an addict, because she does not have any serious ailments, but complains that she does so that she can get the pills. She has been that day from as long as I can remember and would want me to take pills when I was a minor so that I could feel better. The effects are that she has no buffers and says things that are cruel no matter what I say to her. It hurts when she says them and then I realize it is the medication that allows her to say such things. After the initial shock, I just write it off and I visit as little as possible.

I am tired of people of saying and doing such cruel things and yet they end up on the pedestal like ss. I hope they have their day when the pedestal breaks and they fall off. The reality is that in most cases it will not. The best thing I can do is just stay away as much as possible. I used to be emotionally stronger, however at this stage of the game I realize that it makes no difference. The best thing I can do is stay away and that is what I am doing. However, I still carry the pain of they have done. I know that is what I have to work on and gradually the pain is lessening.

I read the posts and wonder how sc can do so much harm and still end up on top, for instance having df pay for a wedding and not invite sm, or twit who still manages to affect her df marriage even though they have moved away, or the case where the sm who has the dangerous dog in her house that can harm her baby, the dog belongs to sd, yet dh does not want to get rid of it because he does not want to upset his adult dd. Why aren't these people told to seek therapy. It makes me angry that we are the ones that are accused of having something wrong with us and having to seek therapy to deal with it. While the sc, take, treat sm like shit, disrespect and insult, and yet df runs like a scared rabbit to do their bidding lest the sc gets a little upset. It is maddening!

I am learning to just let go, instead of trying to make the situation better or trying to make them feel better. Disengaging and letting go is the best solution, and I am learning about it when I read the posts of sms who are successful at it. Life is short, I am 63 year old, and I am tired of dealing with individuals who cannot see beyond their nose, and are so self-centered. I still wonder, as in the case of my ex, why he continues to wipe his ds butt when his ds has gotten to the age where he has white hair for petes sake. When do these parents realize that it is black hole that they are feeding.

Anyway, I will be fine just angered by the injustice of it all.

Sugarspice

You were correct when you wrote "one way people cope is by repeated the same dysfunctions by surrounding themselves with more dysfunction and drama and the same mental illnesses. no surprise many find spouses that are just as abusive as the family one grew up in"

I clearly perpetuated the same cycle and at 63 years old I really don't know how I survived. However in my survival I now have many scars. I feel like an old dog who has scars all over her body from being in too many fights defending herself.

I think the hardest thing at this time, as everything came to a climax just recently. I have been also dropping some of the new friends I have made here as I noticed the same dynamics were repeating themselves. I also noticed that I did not feel good after I hung out with these friends. I had picked friends who are very controlling people and use others for their own benefit, accomplished, but similar to my ex in their characteristics. So I find myself quite lonely, and with absolutely no one to call in case of an emergency, angry at what has gone on forever. Why are some people like this??? Evidently, I was still attracting my ex, mother, and father disguised as other people. I am now very gun shy of meeting new people, as I want absolutely nothing to do with people like that. I am scared of the choices I have been making.

Anyway, when I came here, my netflix went haywire, at the time I was communicating with ex. he said that I could use his netflix account and that he would upgrade it to include me. So I did, I watch tv maybe once every 3 weeks, and do not watch the news, as I purposely made my world as small as I could to be able to control what transpired within it. Anyway, I just clicked it on this morning and all of sudden I noticed that ex no longer has his ds on his account. His ds had taken over my old bedroom, furniture and tv and would watch tv there. I guess he has moved out, and what is weird is that ex did not let him have access to netflix. Here is a man that had given his ds everything, and a year ago refused to buy regular shoes and bought slippers instead to wear out, would spray paint his crocs, and when I was with him he would buy day old bread, old vegetables, old marked down meat so that he could save money, so that his ds would be financially set. After all these years of being after each other's ass, it my guess they had a falling apart. Which I never thought would ever happen. I just cannot believe it!

I am at a point where I am not trusting myself to pick emotionally healthy people and not trusting the people I have met since being here for one year. So I am at a standstill living in a vacuum.