Dealing with an unexpected move-in of my 19 year old step daughter
Okay, so my 19 year old step daughter (who refused to communicate whatsoever with either my husband or me for a year and a half for reasons still unknown), called late one Sunday night when we were already in bed, told us she had a bad fight with her mother and asked if she could come over. Of course we said absolutely come over because she was so upset but, to my surprise, she showed up with her friend and her entire car filled with her belongings and informed us that she is now going to be living with us.
It has now been three months and I feel like I have been more than generous/accepting/tolerant, but I'm miserable inside and it has taken a huge toll on my husband and me. He is thrilled to have her here, which I understand, and I applaud her for finally getting a job, but I am resentful and angry and have no one to talk to about my feelings.
Basically when she moved in, her best friend and boyfriend also moved in and now we have teens coming and going at all hours of day or night. My husband doesn't cook, so I have been cooking non-stop to try and keep them fed (teenagers eat like vultures). They do laundry constantly, eat everything in sight and bust into my personal space constantly. I am home and my husband works from home, though he gets to stay in his office in the basement and my personal space in the house is my kitchen (where I go on the computer, watch TV and generally spend most of my day). They now invade it constantly and I feel like I am a visitor in my own house.
I'm sorry, but I don't feel like hearing stupid teenage gossip any time they come home (I will be sitting at my computer quietly doing whatever, and they come in and raid the refrigerator and want to hand out in the kitchen and talk). To add to the space infringement, I have been out of work for a year (which is very stressful), and recently had spinal surgery, so have a hard time with the added stress and definitely the added expense of covering her phone, car insurance, all the extra laundry and ten times the amount of food....by the way, he is still paying his ex child support for her while she is living with us.
My husband doesn't get what upsets me and that, in turn, upsets me more. Money is tight and I feel like my house has been over-taken by teenagers, all while I'm struggling with trying to get back to health and I honestly cannot handle it mentally. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Just re-reading your comment
Just re-reading your comment and realizing how right you are (feedback from others has also helped). Three months is long enough and I need to stop making excuses for why I am not righting this situation. Thank you.
Sorry to hear about your
Sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like there are no plans for her to move along or a time-frame for living there? If she is working can she contribute to the bills or groceries? Sounds like she needs a list of chores as well! Good luck and hopefully the house rules will encourage her to get her own place.
Hon.... take charge and
:jawdrop: Hon.... take charge and control of your house again.
Simply stop cooking and stop doing the laundry, then tell DH and SD - no more hotel, friends can not come and go as they please and you will not feed them all anymore... It's time for SD to move back to mummy... start with the discipline and be a bitch in your own house, that will get her packing
Re-reading comments and all
Re-reading comments and all are giving me fuel to be more forceful. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond:0)
Your stepdaughter is one
Your stepdaughter is one thing, but I'm kind of surprised... a best friend and a boyfriend too? They're living comfortably and carefree because they have you there taking care of them.
Also, letting a teenage girl live with her boyfriend under your roof with a false sense of security? Asking for erm.. unplanned.. trouble.
If you're sick of it, move their stuff out. Apart from SD, you have no obligation to open your home up to strangers. Don't let them walk all over you.
I would make it less fun. As
I would make it less fun. As others have mentioned, visitors have certain hours they can come over, chores are listed out and done regularly, have a curfew of 10pm at night, etc. Once there's rules in place, she'll probably want to move out on her own.
These three teenagers need to
These three teenagers need to get a place together. I would even be willing to pay the first month rent to get them out of my house.
Maybe we should move in
Maybe we should move in together and let them all live in one house:0) lol
I hope your situation improves and you are able to get your investment out of the house. Good luck and hang in there:0)
Oh BOY another failure to
Oh BOY another failure to launch family.
Do what Ninji said
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the advice / support / validation. I am so happy I found this forum and appreciate the feedback from others in step-parenting situations more than I can express. Though I have a handful of close friends always willing to lend an ear and let me vent, they all have children of their own, which makes it difficult for them to really understand the challenges I face being a SM.
I do know that I need to force myself somehow to become more comfortable asserting myself with my husband and the kids, and it is going to take a majorly conscious effort for me as I tend to keep my mouth shut while I am fuming or miserable inside. This is my home and I should not have to tolerate behaviors that I don't agree with. I struggle with it so much because my husband and I look at things so differently and, try as I might get him to understand my point of view and how difficult it is to be a step-parent, he just will never get it. If it were up to him, the house would be full of kids at all times.
In terms of the kids invading my personal space (which as I mentioned earlier unfortunately happens to be my over-sized kitchen), I've mentioned to my husband that I would like to put a TV in a spare room or the dining room so that I have an off-limits space for myself and he seems to think that's ridiculous. But I just need to either put my foot down about creating a new space for myself or be more forceful kicking the kids out of the kitchen (grab what you want to eat and get out, rather than sitting at the island and talking / fighting loudly while I'm trying to get something done on the computer or watching a show. It's my house and I have the right to do that.
Secondly, we need to figure out how he can stop paying nearly $1,000 a month for child support (plus $2,400 per month in alimony), when one child he is still paying for moved out of his ex-wife's house, another has been living with us for three months and the youngest stays with us at least four days a week (we also buy him most of his clothes, pay for all of his sports and drive him to and from every single practice and game).
Lastly, any suggestions on how I can approach the issue with my husband of having the 19-year old that moved in with us pay rent or something? She is living here free and now working full-time, we are paying her car insurance and her cell phone and feeding her best friend and boyfriend pretty much daily. My husband also gives her lunch and gas money every day for now to get to work, as she started only two weeks ago and hasn't gotten a paycheck yet. Every time I mention it, my husband becomes exasperated with me and it's not fair. Am I being ridiculous to suggest that she be expected to contribute in some way? By the way, she doesn't even have to clean because we have a cleaning lady that comes twice per month while I am trying to recover from my surgery. So she basically does zero to contribute (she is at least neat and does her own laundry now for the most part, though that is another issues in and of itself...how do teenagers need to do laundry four times per week???).
Thank you all again for letting me vent. I feel so much better at least having found a community of people who truly understand how difficult being a step-parent can be and apologize for yet another very lengthy post!
she showed up with her friend
she showed up with her friend and her entire car filled with her belongings and informed us that she is now going to be living with us.
Nobody shows up at my house, telling me that they will now be living there.
Time for her to go.
Your husband needs to realize that he is not doing her any favors by enabling her. She needs to learn how to function in the real world, which means paying her own way and contributing other ways, until she moves out.
I agree. I am a pushover and
I agree. I am a pushover and need to put an end to this. Thank you for validating what I already knew deep down
Gee, let me guess what the
Gee, let me guess what the big fight with her BM was about. One hint, you are living it. This is couch surfing on a grand scale. You know, when some long lost friend or relative shows up at your door, with a great sob story, you let them in and then they take over your home. All the while, your husband gets to hide in his man cave in the basement, letting you deal with the chaos. All of these people need to leave now. Toss them and their belongings to the curb. If DH has a problem with that, move his office to the kitchen table and you take over the man cave in the basement. Then at least he can deal with the noise, cooking and messes of his daughter and friends.
Yes!!!!! That is exactly
Yes!!!!! That is exactly what I say to my husband....how would he like it if they just randomly showed up sitting behind him in his office or while he's watching TV, chowing down and talking loud about stupid teenage drama. I need to stop being such a sucker and being afraid of upsetting him. Thank you to all!
"Couch-surfing! example made
"Couch-surfing! example made me laugh. I had a GF & her SPED 13 yr old son show up 1 day before Christmas after driving 1000 miles to surprise "visit." Turns out she had another break-up and needed me. Fifteen-year friendship. I had mushy boundaries and high hopes of "helping." Ran out and purchased Xmas presents for the both of them while I tried to wedge them and their stuff into our really, really small house. GF lay on my couch 24/7, watched my TV, used my internet stalking ex=BF's, researched new dating sites & STD's, ate my food, drank every drop of alcohol in the house and added nothing of value; her son used my iPad, showed my younger son "RedTube" and "PornHub" and ate everything not nailed down. Once they settled in, GF mentioned that she had leave from work until Jan 10.
New Year's Eve I asked both of them to leave the following Weds. She threw a fit and they left in high drama at 10pm. We have not spoken in 4 years.
I realized that even though we spoke almost daily and by all appearances were great friends, in truth, we never had a real friendship. Chatty, friendly acquaintances with dissimilar values and beliefs masquerading as close friends. Guess that I was lonesome when we met and fell into a familiar pattern.
I know that is not nearly the same as OP's situation, but the 'couch-surfing' comment brought it to mind.
Friend-pruning. I wish that
Friend-pruning. I wish that I had learned 'man-pruning' a long time ago, and NO, I do not mean 'man-scaping.'
(Shoot, letting that line ride as written.) {Snort}
First, I would give the kid a
First, I would give the kid a week after her sob story. Then start hassling her...So what are your plans? when you finding your own place? They come into my space I will make sure to inject myself into their conversations(the skid and her friend) they don't like it they can take the convo somewhere more private.
BUT, if I was already in your shoes at this rate. Every time they take my space and peace in the kitchen, I would be in DH's office taking up his. If he complains just say, well your kid is up in my space so I have to find somewhere else to be. He'll probably fight you on it a few times. I would ignore the crap and just continue to be in there taking up his place until he gets the hint. better yet, send SD and the friends down there with him. lol but I can be a petty passive aggressive biiaatch when I want to be.
Love your ideas and I
Love your ideas and I actually have been following the one lately about going into my husband's space when they come into mine...he doesn't like it, but too bad.
The problem with your idea of interjecting myself into their conversations is that they actually want me to sit and talk to them! It's fine sometimes, but most of the time I honestly don't feel like hearing about her boyfriend's work, his truck and all the stupid teenage drama they discuss. Any my step-daughter's friend who is now here pretty much every day....my SD tells me all these horrifying stories about her having sex (she is 19 and has apparently had sex with 29 guys already). One morning she apparently came to our house to clean up for work after sleeping at some guy's house that she only knew for three days talking through text. I get WAY too much detailed information about this girl and her sex life and I know I am part of the problem (I want her to feel comfortable talking to me, of course, but not comfortable).
I am just not good at this whole thing and need to get a backbone and stop feeling like I don't have a right to stand up for myself and the way I expect things to be run in my own home.
I am so glad I found this forum, because I do truly believe all of your feedback will help me make change.
"The problem with your idea
"The problem with your idea of interjecting myself into their conversations is that they actually want me to sit and talk to them! It's fine sometimes, but most of the time I honestly don't feel like hearing about her boyfriend's work, his truck and all the stupid teenage drama they discuss."
Well Shit! lol maybe try "wow that is so interesting, you know who would love this story or might have some good advice, your father, as a matter of fact I think he is in his office you should go ask him"
" Any my step-daughter's friend who is now here pretty much every day....my SD tells me all these horrifying stories about her having sex (she is 19 and has apparently had sex with 29 guys already). One morning she apparently came to our house to clean up for work after sleeping at some guy's house that she only knew for three days talking through text. I get WAY too much detailed information about this girl and her sex life and I know I am part of the problem (I want her to feel comfortable talking to me, of course, but not comfortable)."
Start talking about your sex life with DH lol I mean not really but maybe?
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Evict the friend and the bf.
Evict the friend and the bf. SD-19 is an adult and stays only at your convenience so you and DH need to sit down and develop the Ts&Cs of her remaining in your marital home.
She and her friends do not dictate their access and use of your home. You do that.
Here's what's great about
Here's what's great about this site.
We come here and read stuff that has nothing to do with us personally, but we know could be something that either we will LIKELY face, or out other-half will, and we will either have to deal with it firsthand, or we'll have to support our spouses as they face it.
And y'know what? It feels like being in a Group Therapy session here, where we get to learn from others' experiences.
"Rich is the man who learns from others' mistakes."
-Arab proverb
Right now, my DW and I are awaiting my ex's day to come where she realizes what a lousy parent she's been, and finally evicts the creations of her bad parenting, and we'll have a couple of homeless young adults on our front step. I've tried to reach out to them, but the allure of an entitled childhood has not permitted them to bloom. Like flowers kept in the shade, they remain lame. We will not allow them to move in until we know, CLEARLY, what their plans are, as well as their backup plans. They will also know that being a bum is not an option. They will know what behaviors will EARN them a place to stay and a roof over their heads, and that failure to deliver will get them evicted. DW also pushes me to take a hard stance on that when I flex a little...
DW says her two kids will NEVER be that way, and will never, EVER be allowed to stay at home and do nothing. I support that. Since DW pushes me to take a hard stance on my own kids, I'm taking notes now, because I'm sure I'll have to use them later when it's her turn in the barrel.
"He's an ADULT now. HE needs to do that. He should have thought about that before."
"It hurts me to think that she only really talks to you when she has a Christmas or Birthday present coming to her. I don't think you should give her ANYTHING."
To be honest, I have ZERO DOUBT that she will soften her tone for her own kids (and expect me to do the same), which will probably bug me a bit. I find it really fascinating how many SMoms will insist the "Truth Or Consequences" rules apply for the SKids, but if the SDad even hints at that with her BioKids, then she's all, "Woah, woahhh, JimmyJoeBobPete is JUST A KIIIID... and a GOOOOOD kid." Funny how that works, but it is universal as far as everyone I've seen, every single mom I've dated, every friend I've had who dated a single mom or dad. It's actually quite natural to be that way...
But as the SParent, we all gotta accept that we'll be held to the cruelest of damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't double-standards, and we are expected to score an A+ at both ends of the spectrum or our name is mud. It's like merging tribes into a nation, and there WILL be some friction (some of it will be self-inflicted). Thank God for Disengagement, LOL!