Yah, I know, from reading around here a little that it CAN and DOES get much uglier. The title she gave me comes from a previous argument the month prior, where she told me she "hated me" several times while I sat there and listened, how she told me I was "disgusting", over and over, how I was "going to hell", and other mean things.

I agree - I cant parent her without her permission. I treat her more like a roommate that I have to deal with politely, with civility. She typically breaks the house rules, and does other things when he is in the other room distracted, or in his man-cave.

Yes, it gets down to the basics. She may be chronologically 17 plus, but she is emotionally stunted - inside she is about 13/14. Her social skills within the family are poor. She doesn't have ANY friends that she spends time with outside of school. No boyfriend (or girlfriend) She has no weekend activities on her own. She watches TV, and watches makeup videos and shops. She has no chores that are required, and babysits cousins or grandma for extra cash, sporadically, as she has no job (no desire for a job).

I have tried in different ways to voice my emotional turmoil, however then I am told that I am being a "kid" about things and a "drama queen", and just need to leave her alone. I try so hard to not say anything, it bottles up and then explodes...causing a mess. I want to run away from it all and just go, but I love the little SD10 and my DD so much.

I sent him the text and screen capture. He just laughed it off. "It will come back to her someday, in the future, all that toxicity, but that's her phone she can do what she wants to...."

It is exhausting and I feel drained and sad and just so discouraged. Like nothing I do will make any kind of difference. I do think she was trying to get a reaction out of me - she likes pushing buttons - and I almost responded, but no, I will hold back and let her watch US (SD10 & DD & Me) be happy...while she marinates in her own toxic juices...
Thank you for your kindness and understanding!

I am the same age as her BM, and a year younger than her father. I have no children of my own, and folks say I look younger than my stated age. So there is that authority/respect lack because she probably sees me as a peer, someone who is beneath her and not allowed to instruct her in anything.

I am over 30 years her senior.

What is "aged out"???

Yes, Ive stopped all helping.

Ch!t! It doesn't end? I keep hoping things will get better, and my DH keeps saying she will grow up, and get better, "all his sisters were awful when younger" etc...

Respect! HAHAHAAH She shows people superficial respect. Picture a tiny little girl-woman who acts demure, shy and little-girl sugary sweet, and then behind your back will say something like "Dam she would not SHUT the H UP! Geeze I could not get away fast enough, that's one crazy b!tch" very loudly.

Her BM is the same way, and treated the father with disrespect and violence during the marriage. Her father, to make her "fall in line" (for lack of better wording) has to be very very harsh because her personality is extremely harsh, loud and aggressive.

Her father tries to enforce the different rules we have (like pick up after yourself, do your own dishes, etc.) She lives with her Bio Mother parttime, and he sends her there as a punishment, because she prefers our house. Her room is gross, and he is constantly battling over it. He's TIRED.

About the Crazy B!tch screen cap for my phone number, he just laughs and says "oh I don't even want to see what she has under MY number. But that's her phone, she paid her last bill, so she can have whatever toxic thing she wants, it will come back to her someday" (I want someday to happen today!)

THANK YOU!!! That's an awesome set-by-step for this "Stepping Thing". Because you totally called it. My DD said that by going back-and-forth, I am not being an adult and she positively LEAPS at that aspect of my lack of knowledge. I just need a clear head and some preparation, and then I can feel more confident going forward.

I have long ago emotionally disengaged from her - I stopped driving her around, (She's too lazy to get permit/license so everyone has to be her shuttle bus because God forbid she walk ANYWHERE...another vent!!!) and stopped sending her cool pictures and information stuff via text (obviously unappreciated, eh???) Ive stopped trying to make her favorite "special foods" (shes pescatarian/fish/seafood only), and stopped trying to suggest job opportunities that I see around town (she's had ONE REAL non-family/babysitting job her entire life, and after 2 weeks was fired) and stopped trying to help her in any way. She has become like a roommate that I need to be civil to. But she needs to respect our home. That is non-negotiable.

I am lucky, in that my DD wants her out too, and living with her BMother full time, instead of part time. He is gradually trying to ease her out, but she clutches on harder when she gets a whiff of what he is trying to do...he is waiting for her 18th bday. But he of course will always give her a place to live, she is his daughter, of course, and OF COURSE the door is always open to his sweet little princess (I loooove you dadeeeee, can I have some money?????)

Its almost comical, when she sais the "I was here first", because my first thought is "and I will be here long after you have flown the gilded cage you live in darling child..."

Yes, I do ignore her room, now. Its not my problem. There are always moldy coffee cups and old dishes and candy wrappers and FUNKY STINK. Ewe.

I assure you, we have had MANY private talks, and it goes nowhere - he is just extremely frustrated and then we argue. He does TRY to enforce the house rules, but isn't consistent in it. Every time I draw him in to the argument, to be disengaged, she gets angry and sais that I am "nagging her", and states things that I did not say, then he has to tell her that she has a bad attitude, then she spouts off its not her that starts it, its me, and why is daddy taking sides with the girlfriend and not the daughter.
He is so tired of it, and doesn't know what to do. Neither do I (I have no children of my own) That is why I am HERE. Thank you so much you are appreciated.

Great question - a good start: I moved out of my previous house, and escaped an abusive situation. I was jobless, penniless and basically homeless. I lived in a room at my parents house and would spend time at the SO house, where SD17.5 and SD10 were living part-time. Exactly 1 year ago I moved in full time, brought my clothing, my art and my plants, but no furnishings.

My SO has opened his home to me and told me to consider it MY home. We are renters, but fix it up when we can afford to, and build/restore every so often. We talk frequently about buying a house together, and up until as recently as August that was only a VERY distant possibility, as he was still married to the BM.

After the divorce the possibilities for our future simply BLOSSOMED. But SD is very bitter and angry about the divorce and her new "Evil, Stupid Step-Parents". My SO started from scratch after the BM moved away - new furnishings, dishes, art, stuff. The SD grew up in that house, so I totally understand her attachments to the past and when "mommy and daddy were together", but her mother was drinking very heavily when she was growing up, and cheating on daddy in that house, too...

We take pride in our home that we are building together, but she is happy trashing it - she is naturally just messy with everything. To be clear, I am not a clean/neat freak at all - I have to work at it!!!! So I am not over-the-top. I work hard at keeping things nice, and I expect her to as well...if she wants to stay so badly, if she was first and that actually means something! aaaarg.

Yup I just had that conversation and now I am in tears. I was told that I need to "take a step back". SD doesn't like you, you two don't get along. You need to not try to impose yourself so much.

I guess I am NOT the boss, I am just a housemate. My mother was always the "queen of the castle" when I was growing up, and I guess I carry that with me. The kids do not rule the house and it is not a democracy, with voting and equality. That's just not how I grew up.

I came in a year ago full time, and was told that it was my HOME, I am free to decorate and make it mine. I guess that means I am free to sleep, and bathe there, and cook dinner for everyone and clean and wash dishes. But not be shown respect. Or make important decisions.

So discouraged.

And of course its my fault, I am driving SD away to her mothers, and I am the evil awful person...aaak.

Why is this? I had a different experience growing up - I wonder if its just the age of NOW, that kids are lazy, unambitious and disconnected. I grew up without luxuries and many things. I worked since the age of 14. I took care of my brothers, without pay. I cooked and cleaned from age of 12 on.

Too bad I cant take anything away. The Stepmother has no authority. I was told I have no authority. Besides which; she doesn't drive, has no license, no boyfriend, no friends to do anything with, no activities.

That's one of the problems - SO feels grateful that she is not pregnant and smoking crack, lying and stealing...

AHA! Yes, I have my plan of action ready. I will be cool, and see what happens in the next week or so. I figured if I wasn't around so much then I wouldn't be bothered by lazy bones making her messes. so now I am on a work-out schedule at the gym - every day possible I am on those machines. I stopped buying food too.

SO has been doing "Dish recon" every day. So that's covered! YAY. Small steps forward.

I should definitely read that book. I have been mentioning that I have all the responsibilities without any authority...like when I rescued her a few days ago, because BM's boyfriend and BM were drinking and couldn't take her to the store for her school holiday cookies. Arguments with BM boyfriend ensued and I picked her up at night as she tried walking to our house from BM's.

Luckily things have calmed a little, but yes, withdrawal is a good answer.

yes - remain calm, instead of the sobbing person I was last weekend...when she told me I destroyed her life, and was the reason for her taking anti-depressants...

I am giving it a week of putting her stuff away without a word. Then I will leave it out and let SO deal with it...see how he likes it!