Is Anyone Else Expected to Replace Bio Parent?

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Hi everyone

You may or may not remember me, I used to be fairly active here about a year ago. My SO and I had a few problems, eventually broke up (my choice) and I found I really missed and loved him and my 4 year old SD so we got back together. We actually got married about 4 months ago. I knew going into marriage that I was taking on my SD, which I'm okay with because I really do love her, but of course, it's not the same love i'd have for a bio kid; more of a friend/aunt type of love. My husband understands that while I won't fully love her like I will a bio child once I have one, I'll always treat them the same. He also understands that i'm here to parent and I'm okay with that.

My only problem is that sometimes he seems to think I'm married to him so I'm supposed to act as her bio parent, which I can understand, but I'm the one working full-time and bringing in the majority of our income together. Don't get me wrong, I do ALOT when it comes to SD - taking her out to do activities, keeping her busy at home, getting her ready for the bath/bed routine, etc. I also pay for almost everything for her. But when I elect NOT to do something (ie. getting her ready for school - I'm not a morning person) I get lectures on how I'm supposed to be her parent.

In my opinion, my husband should be happy that i'm doing as much as I am - i'm providing for and taking care of her all the time, aside from mornings because if i'm up early, i'm starting work early. Am I wrong here? I never get thanked for everything I do, which I guess is fine, but i'm not okay with getting lectured on any little thing I don't do when I'm doing so much. Her bio mom is still in the picture, they see eachother a few times a year, so I don't even understand why he's so attached to the idea of me being a full-time parent with him. I can do it, but I'm getting tired of expectations.

Does anyone else deal with something similar to this? I'm not sure what to say or if I'm in the wrong for wanting a small part of my life (the morning) to be my own time.

Also.. Just a further note. I

Also.. Just a further note. I love doing things for SD, but I find once I get told "i married into this and it's my job too" I get really resentful of ANYTHING I do for her. It becomes an obligation instead of something I enjoy doing and all the sudden I hate doing anything for her :/

Welcome to being a step

Welcome to being a step parent. It is a thankless job on many levels- just ask any step parent. I think you are still adjusting to it. It is really difficult to go from independence, freedom and alone time to suddenly serving a child and husband with your outside of working hours. It is commendable that you took this on, but remember it is now your job to be the best SM because you already made that decision when you took your vows.

You will probably become more

You will probably become more resentful with each passing week, but in my opinion you need to accept responsibility for your actions and choices. You married him, knowing he had a child, and that means NO! You never have regular time to yourself again. You are sharing your life with DH and SD now- and your needs come second to that. You may occasionally get time to yourself, you may insist on regular "me time." However, you have an obligation now to your DH and SD to put their needs and the needs of the family unit ahead of your own needs. That is what being a wife and mom is. It is not ALL on your shoulders, because DH must do this as well (for it to work long term.) Blessings to all of you

I am not bitter, It is

I am not bitter, It is reality. Kids sense a SM and/or SD who don't want them or resent taking care of them. It is really a painful reality for many skids. I do encourage all step parents to be the best they can be. With all kids, Skids or Bkids, it is an endless giving. Especially if for your years you have been single and only had to worry about yourself. I also praise every SM/SD for taking on the role when BM/BD is flaky or absent. It is a huge undertaking.

@clark6292-- I couldn't agree

@clark6292-- I couldn't agree with you less.

OP just because you married this man does NOT mean you have to parent his child. Just because you married this man does not mean you put his child's needs ahead of yours, his or a family unit. Many of us here on ST have relationships that we do NOTHING for the skids and it all works out. Your husband needs to parent his child and stop trapping you in to doing it for him.

You are correct, she doesn't

You are correct, she doesn't HAVE to. The only thing we have to do in life is pay taxes and die- the rest is optional. Can you for a moment imagine what it might feel like to a SD with an absentee BM, a flaky BD and now a new SM who resents having a lot of the parenting dumped on her? I only try to encourage and praise SMs/SDs. It is a very tough job, and rude awakening to become one. No we should not lose ourselves in the process, but we should be the best SM/SD we can be(which is why I appreciate this board.)

I don't have to imagine how

I don't have to imagine how it is to be a step child, I am a step child, my mother was married 4 times and my flaky dad that I don't have to imagine either was married three times. It has been way harder for me to a step parent then it ever was being a professional step kid.

I strive to be the best me I can be but I will not be pushed around by a man that isn't striving to take care of his child. If OP is doing all of the things she says she is already doing then in my book she is already one hell of a lady. The question is what kind of DH does she have and why does he seem to think a woman that had nothing to do with birthing his child should not be able to set up boundaries? If she doesn't want to give up her mornings for a child that is not hers then she doesn't have too and if she does, just like with anything else she may decide to do to help him raise his child, he should be grateful for the help not bit*hing because she doesn't do more. When I help my SO with his kids he is grateful, he shows it and this is why I continue to help him.

Actually I do absolutely

Actually I do absolutely understand that. I know the family's needs do come first - which is why I work a high-stress, long-hours job to keep us more than financiall well-off while DH never has to worry because if he loses his job, we still live the same standards, whereas I have all the financial stress. That's part of the reason why I think if we're talking splitting things equally, it shouldn't be a huge deal that I get the mornings to myself before I start work while he gets her ready for school. After all, we share every other responsibility equally in regards to childcare and I actually do more housework, despite working more/bringing more financially to the family. This is partially where my annoyance with the situation lies.

This is true, however, OP had

This is true, however, OP had these same issues with this guy before, broke up with him, took him back and married him anyway. Truly a case of, "you knew what you were getting into."

Why? You just broke with him

Why? You just broke with him the end of April, but than married him four months ago. For a lady in her early twenties, who already knew this wasn't working. Why?

Yeah, I get you 'looooove' him, but everything he is (including his readymade daughter) isn't what you happy with, no matter how much you love him and have feelings for the child.

Did your husband ever get child support lined up or are you still basically self supporting the three of you?

A lot of our issues were

A lot of our issues were resolved after we broke up. We actually BOTH made changes to fix things - him getting a better job financially and not procrastinating and me not playing the "not my kid!" card all the time despite choosing to be in a relationship with him. He knows he can't slack off in terms of money/household responsibiilties and I know I can't slack off because i'm not her bio mom. I don't believe it's right for me, as a stepparent, to play the whole "not my kid not my problem" role ALL the time because I did choose to be with him and her, and I do love both of them.

I do believe I can get a bit of slack considering I'm responsible for keeping a roof over our head. The only things related to childcare that I don't care to help with are things doing the day because I work. He works during the day as well, but I'm his boss and I can give him time off to get her to/from school lol. I, however, am the main breadwinner and can't afford to lose my job while his can be lost without changing our life at all.

Just know it's ok to take

Just know it's ok to take me-me-me breaks. You need not feel you can't make time for yourself. Outings with a friend. Pampering yourself with 'free time' and a little 'it is all me today' is necessary. Even moms do this. I have one full grown stepson (who I had fulltime 24/7) and four children. My husband never expected me to do all the 'female work'. Nope.

Take time for yourself. Make time for some me-me-me... and don't feel one ounce of guilt.

Sounds like you are doing

Sounds like you are doing more then her actual father. Why are you carrying most of the financial burden? Did he marry you to have a mother for his child or for a wife?

BM only sees her a couple

BM only sees her a couple times a year and we don't really need her help. I have no problem carrying the majority of the financial burden. I make really good money, and I love my husband and SD, so why not share with them? I just have a problem with getting slack for not waking up and getting her ready for school in the morning when I do everything else for her. He doesn't seem to understand that it's actually equal for him to take on more in regards for childcare seeing as I work more, make more money, and do a lot for her (maybe not 50% but A LOT) by choice.

Oh I agree. It is wrong, and

Oh I agree. It is wrong, and while she owes it to her daughter to support her, if she chooses not to, that's fine. SD will realize as she gets older and I'm honestly okay with SD knowing that WE worked hard to support her while her BM didn't.

CS isn't court ordered. Even

CS isn't court ordered. Even if it was, she's a welfare bum and I make a hefty salary (so our combined income is probably 8 times what hers is) so I don't think they would even bother ordering her to pay anything. My husband works full-time, but has a lot more flexibility in his work as he works for the company I am a senior executive for. I give him time off when he needs it.

I don't even want him to take on most of the parenting, I just want him to respect that I do just as much as him, I just don't like doing the morning rush to school before I start work. My days are stressful and I have clients to answer to, which means when I'm up I'm preparing for meetings. He just has me to answer to at work lol.

The company has no issue as

The company has no issue as they're fairly flexible. His job is all remote work that can be made up in the evenings. Most employees take time to go to the doctors/etc. without letting anyone know, then make up the time later. Plus, I am looking at taking the company over in the next few years and have done most of the hiring for the company anyways.

BM only sees her a couple

Is it really that bad? I do

Is it really that bad? I do think he brings a lot to the relationship. I make the larger salary, but he supports me emotionally at all times - he makes it easier for me to deal with stress at work because he's always there to listen. He's actually a great guy. I just don't like that he seems to think I'm obligated to do things when I am willing to happily do them - just on my own time. He seems to think that because we're married, I took her on as my own. He doesn't understand that it'll lead to resentment. Even when I explain, he says I shouldn't resent anything because I should love her as my own.

What you say is confusing.

What you say is confusing. "He supports me emotionally at all times". Does he???? It Doesn't sound like he respect your emotions, boundaries, or needs when it comes to sharing how you feel about step life. Sounds to me like he dismisses them out of hand and invalidates them. Why are you willing to accept this from him?

I don't know. I guess a lot

I don't know. I guess a lot of the time I'm torn. I don't know if HE'S invalidated my feelings about steplife or if I'm pushing off my responsibility to my husband and stepdaughter. He always says since we're married, she's OUR kid and it's my responsibility. I happily take on a lot of responsibility for her, but when he pushes and expects more instead of being happy for what I do, I get resentful. I don't know if I'm in the wrong or he is.

I think this is the best

I think this is the best advice ever. You are absolutely right, it's not so much about whose kid it is, it's about division of labour.

I actually am realizing that it's not exactly fair that he's the one who has to get her ready for school every morning. BUT the problem is, I am just NOT a morning person whatsoever. I hate mornings. I am, however, the bordering on insane/productive type of person who gets up and doesn't stop moving at all. I don't take relax days, nor am I comfortable getting off work and sitting to watch TV for the rest of the night. I actually love starting work at 9am, getting off at 5pm, and racing around to do things that don't necessarily NEED to be done - just because I don't like sitting around.

He is the opposite, he gets off work and watches tv/plays some video games. Whereas I get off work and fold laundry, cook dinner, clean up around the house, do all sorts of things. He does do the dishes after I cook, that's a rule And he does them immediately even though he couldn't care less if they get done, because he knows it makes me happy. I don't hold any of this against him. I'm the type of person who likes living in a spotless house and staying busy but he isn't. I can't change him for that and I wouldn't want to. It would mean less for me to do

I guess I just wish he looked at everything I do, despite the fact that I do it because I enjoy it, and gave me a break about the mornings. lol.

I will tell you what I told

I will tell you what I told my SO.

Immediately after he moved in with me, he tried to drop all his responsibilities as a parent on me...cooking,cleaning, dishes, laundry...everything but picking up the skids for visitation...
The first time he came to me, and very rudely said "When are you going to get your ass into the kitchen and make lunch? My kids are hungry"!
I looked him straight in the eyes and responded "I do things for YOU and YOUR kids because I choose to, not because I have to. Your responsibilities do not end once you pull into the driveway after you pick them up. I didn't enter this relationship to be your or your family's servant. If that is what you want, perhaps we should reconsider this arrangement".
After this discussion, SO looked after his own kids.
I still did things for the them, but it was what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do them.

Does anyone have experience

Does anyone have experience going to a counsellor/therapist about this stuff? My biggest worry is they will side with DH. I'm not sure how to handle this because I think he genuinely believes being with someone who has a kid means you're a parent as much as they are. I agree to an extent, but even when we have kids, I'll still expect him to do a bit more of the childcare because I do a lot of the financial/housework part.

Ahh... I'm just confused and frustrated lol.

I would suggest you see a

I would suggest you see a therapist yourself first, vet her, then if you like her bring DH along.

That's a great idea! Thank

That's a great idea! Thank you

I felt bad for you when you

I felt bad for you when you first posted bc you shouldn't HAVE to do anything for anyone's kid that you don't want to do but I see you keep pushing the fact that you make more money than him. So my question to you is if he gets a job that makes the same or more money then you do, does that you mean you will get out of bed in the morning to address the child you don't want to address? What does the money making have to do with anything? You sound sort of reverse sexist, you make the money so you get to do less around the home because you're stressed because you make the money. Is this what you are saying?

It's not about money. It's

It's not about money. It's about the fact that I do ALOT for his kid - including providing everything she ever needs when both of her parents don't. If it was my child, I would absolutely get out of bed in the morning to address things. But I think considering I already do a lot more than he or her bio mom does, I don't think it should really matter at all. I could be someone who says "its your kid, you pay for her needs" but i'm not. That's the point I'm trying to make here. I pay for her, I do everything for her, I cook for her every night. The only thing I DON'T do is get up in the morning with her because I get up in the morning to work. In all honesty, before me, she barely had any furniture or clothes that fit. So I do think the money matters in this scenario.

Thanks for explaining it. In

Thanks for explaining it.
In one post you say you don't need BM to do anything for her that you got it, then in another post you are gripping about doing it all. You have to pick one or the other.

Even though you think it matters you make more money and should get to do less apparently the dude you married doesn't agree with your thought process. From the outside it seems like you have some type of Savior disorder, you want to come in and save the day, buy kids clothes and furniture with all your money, do what you want when you want, you don't need the kids mother around but want praise for all that you do and then want to have mornings all to yourself.

While I agree you should have every morning to yourself I don't agree with your money outlook and I think your thought process will end up with you and your man divorced.

Perhaps if you stopped providing all the things that you do provide it would be a little easier to get the mornings off? Perhaps he would appreciate you more? It seems like you want to "play" momma but then don't wanna play when it suits you so no wonder he is confused and is trying to take advantage of you.

But what I don't understand

But what I don't understand is why do I have to pick one or the other? Why is my only choices doing everything or doing nothing? I don't want to do what I want when I want, I want to help out as much as possible but not get lectures for not getting up in the morning. I don't want praise for what I do, I want my husband to look at the situation like "Wow, you know what, she does a lot for her in terms of providing and handling all child-related things after work, so I can take the mornings no problem" because that's genuinely what I'd feel in his shoes.

If I had a kid, got into a new relationship, and the person was happy providing for my kid and taking care of a lot of child-related things, that would be MORE than enough for me. I would never get upset at the ONE thing they're not doing.

I honestly don't care so much about the money and I don't feel like I'm playing mom when it suits me. I'm doing it all the time, around-the-clock, aside from the mornings because he can take those. It's his kid. Why can't ONE of the child-related things in our marriage be just his responsibility? I take responsibility for the laundry, he never has to worry about it.

See what I mean? I'm talking strictly division of labour in a household, and the fact that it's his bio kid and my step kid, it should be even easier to have him handle a bit more than I do.

So I don't think I'm

So I don't think I'm explaining myself right. The only reason I find myself having to point out everything I do is because he often makes me feel like I don't do enough. If a week goes by and he's gotten up with SD every morning and got her to school, he throws it in my face at the end of the week saying "she's your kid too why don't you ever get up with her"

Meanwhile, throughout the week, I've worked full time (making most of our income), made dinner every night, cleaned the house every day, gotten her ready for bath/bed, played with her at night, etc. I do a lot more than my fair share in our relationship and our household yet I'm left feeling like I'm not doing enough. Than I bring up money because it's a huge part of what I contribute and it gets forgotten all the time.

I thank him all the time for taking her to and from school. Do I ever get thanked for anything I do? Honestly, no. I find myself resenting the fact that I do so much just to be told what I'm NOT doing, yet I never yell at him for not doing any laundry, not making dinner, not taking the dog out for a walk 5 times a day like I do.

That's what I'm frustrated with and I don't think I've communicated that properly. Plus, in all honestly, I can do everything without resentment, but mornings are already stressful for me and anytime I try to add getting her ready on top of that, I find myself resentful. Why do something that would leave me feeling that way when there's a million other things I can do for her/him that I enjoy?

But that's the problem. I'm

But that's the problem. I'm not playing tit-for-tat but he is. I have never pointed out that he doesn't do something. I am fully aware that I married someone who tends to do less housework than I do, and I'm okay with it. I'm also fully aware that I married someone who doesn't have a lot of ambition work-wise, and I'm okay with it. What I'm not okay with is when someone who does less housework/makes less money judges what I do in terms of parenting, when I do just as much, just at different times of the day. I don't care that he does less. I appreciate what he DOES do regardless. I do start to care that he does less when he points out ONE thing I'm not doing.

I would disengage if it was

I would disengage if it was me, let him parent and pay for his own child, BTW why would you pay for someone else's child?? I know you think she will know later that you/and him paid for her without help from her mother but that won't change the way she feels about her mother or bring you any closer to her.

Seems like you all didn't cover all the bases of what your roles would be or most importantly EXPECTED to be.

When I think back to my own

When I think back to my own childhood, my dad took on my brother (half-brother but we never even knew that til we were older) and never, ever treated him differently. He wasn't his kid but we didn't even know it! My dad's not even the greatest parent lol but he never, ever had a problem with it. Even after him and my mom divorced, he continues to stay in touch with my brother and treat him as good as my sister and I, his bio-kids.

I guess I'm just confused about my own role. I don't want to continue doing the "not my kid not my problem" mindset because I don't feel that way. I do feel somewhat responsible for her and I do want to have a parental figure. I just want boundaries. I don't want to take on as much as my dad did with my brother, but I also don't want to say "she's not mine so i'm not paying."

My husband, on the other hand, seems like he'll only be happy with one way and that's his way: I take her on fully, share COMPLETELY ever task related to her, to the point that he keeps track. He ignores everything else I do but keeps track of who does what for SD and it's strange.

If you want boundaries then

If you want boundaries then go home and demand then, after all you are his boss at work and his wife at home, you also make the money so it should be easy. TELL him you will not be helping in the mornings. How hard can that be? If he tries to complain shut him down and let him know it isn't going to work his way that she is not your child and as much as you are trying the mornings are not going to happen so he needs to handle his child. What will he do? Backhand ya? Divorce you? Be mad?

In the same vein as my

In the same vein as my earlier post. He can believe what he likes, but the point is that he is holding this belief very rigidly, to the point that he is unwilling to have your feelings and needs and boundaries be of equal consideration. That sounds like a marital issue not a step life issue to me. Don't get sucked into the content!!! He doesn't get to dictate the terms of your role with SD, he can ask that you negotiate them together, at best.

"He works during the day as

"He works during the day as well, but I'm his boss and I can give him time off to get her to/from school" Wow talk about all the power in the relationship. You're the main breadwinner and his BOSS ? Yes DH is going to act the jerk at times, speaking from the male perspective he has little to no power in his life so he will exert it where he can find it. It's a male thing, power in any relationship is important to us, is what he is doing right? Absolutely not, but I get part of his problem, as another male.

Well, it might seem that way

Well, it might seem that way but I never hold this over him or anything. I actually have set it up so he reports to everyone other than me, but technically speaking, I am his boss. I just have other people hold him accountable for mistakes/deadlines/etc. instead of doing it myself. I just give him the go-ahead to take time off in the AM and PM for school runs - he doesn't ask me or run it by me, it's just an unsaid understanding that he has it.

There is definitely no power about it. I just wanted him to have a better paying job so I arranged it for him, lol.

The biggest issue is the fact

The biggest issue is the fact that he doesn't seem to understand, marriage doesn't make her mine. I love her like my own and I'm happy doing things for her, but damn, if I ever say "Your kid" to him, he gets pissed off and tells me it's "our" kid. One time I talked to him about helping out more around the house and he shot back with "I do EVERYTHING for OUR kid and it's never appreciated"

Response: Did I have a baby

Response:

Did I have a baby recently that I don't know about? Because I'm pretty sure that is the only way, besides adoption, that this kid could be mine. Your daughter has a mother. You should know! You were there when the child was conceived!

The worst part is I just

The worst part is I just miscarried about 3 weeks ago so arguing about things like this is even more difficult. Like, I am QUITE positive I am not her mother because I just lost my chance at motherhood lol.

http://everydayfeminism.com/2

http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/10/savior-complex-toxic-relationship/

Oh dear, I do remember you.

I am going to be blunt: You are your biggest problem. You had my sympathy when you sought advice here before, but you didn't take ANY of it and now you're back, deeper in kimchee than ever and still trying to rearrange the deck chairs on your Titanic SO.

You remind me of myself twenty-five years ago, confident to an almost arrogant degree, a fixer with control issues determined to make. it. work., breezily confident in the bad decisions you've made, determined to ignore the facts. But you don't know yourself, or understand why you make bad relationship decisions.

You chose to ally yourself with a weak, unmotivated, passive man. You are the adult in your relationship, the leader, fixer, planner and pseudo mom. You've further emasculated your SO by finding employment for him at your own company, and you enable his irresponsibility by allowing him to forego pursuing BM for support. He's reverting back to his previous norm of dumping his parental responsibilities, and you wonder why? Rather you should ask why not.

Why do you need to control and fix? Why did you take this guy back when there were so many problems in your relationship, and then marry him so quickly? And for goodness sakes, why are you in such a hurry to have a child with him when he's shown, repeatedly across time, that he is a lazy parent?

You need to seriously slow down, expect more of your DH, and get your relationship to the point where you are equally contributing partners. And please, no babies unless he shows you that he is a mature, fully functioning adult and parent who can take care of his family unaided.

Is it not my responsibility

Is it not my responsibility now as well? I hear from all kinds of people that marrying someone with children means taking on those children. That is where I get confused. Is he dumping his responsibility on me? Or am I supposed to do EVERYTHING a mom would without any sense of a break considering i'm a step parent? For me, it feels easy to get resentful when it's forced because the child isn't biological. I am happy doing what i'm doing but don't see the problem with him doing more than me because it is his bio kid and he won't get resentful whereas I will.

Am I in the wrong? Or is he? I have no idea anymore. I feel confused because I don't know which one of us is asking too much of the other

After reading every post, yes

After reading every post, yes every post, I think you are doing a good job as SM from all you say you are doing on a daily basis. If I thought this was strictly about "morning duty" I would say negotiate that with your DH or simply draw a line in the sand. I think this is more about tit for tat and a power struggle in the relationship as others have written. You thought he changed, so you married & gave him a job but now he is back. Counseling is a good place to start...do not recreate and bring another life into your relationship until you and your DH improve communication and you feel you are getting more of what you want in the relationship.

That confusion you're feeling

That confusion you're feeling is good - it's your gut warning you that something is off.

It's pretty common for weak men or men who dont want to be bothered with parenting to try to hand off their responsibility to some female in their life. Parenting is hard, grinding work after all, and not for the faint of heart. Your SO is weak, and he is only following his nature when he tries to manipulate you into doing even more than you already do. He may have made more of an effort to please you to get you back, but now he's showing you who he really is.

He is 100 percent responsible for himself and his child, and you are responsible for yourself - this is the basis for successfully blending, but you disregarded that reality, overstepped, and your relationship is out of balance as a result. Sure, there will be times when one partner contributes more, but your dynamic sounds more like mother and child than equal partners.

In steplife it's especially important to recognize certain truths, and never be swayed from them no matter what your partner or well-intentioned outsiders might say. So, never forget that you are not his parent, or his child's mom; that he is responsible for supporting his child and himself; that it is not your role to fix his problems for him; and that putting yor own needs first is important.

I remember you lol...... was

I remember you lol...... was so glad you got away and you are back...same man...

Hon congrats on the wedding, but now for some advice, you are the breadwinner, start separating money, start a safety net and some savings and DH will just have to step up and earn some income. Do not allow him getting comfortable and you working your fingers to a bleed.... do not always cave in getting SD things, be firm and say, budget does not allow it.... believe me if you get her now what she wants you are in for some serious issues when she's a teen...

You only buy cloths at huge chains, no brand cloths, no expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas, always something she needs, not what she wants, teach her to be respectful.. that's probably the best gift you can give this girl,

Fod DH - you never fund his hobbies, or his nights out with the boys... what ever he wants to do and if he does earn an income he needs to help paying the bills, you are not the goose who lays the golden eggs.

Glad you are back,

Thank you for the

Thank you for the congratulations! I hope it doesn't come off like I'm not happy, I'm very happy I married him. He's my best friend and we do get along very well - we see eye to eye on MOST parenting issues and it's been great. I actually like sharing money because it brings us as a family closer together, and he does earn an income, so it's not a huge deal. He's a saver and doesn't mind my spending because he knows I work hard to be able to enjoy shopping now and then I also don't have a problem providing for SD - I had a blast picking out christmas presents for her.

We are a great team when it comes to finances, the only issue is his pushing parenting on me when i'm already doing a lot to help him, ya know? I do feel bad for him. I know he really loves his daughter and just wants her to have a good mom. I just wish he'd understand that I AM a good SM and though I may never do as much parenting as HE does, I do a lot to help out.

just wants her to have a good

just wants her to have a good mom

But she doesn't have a "good" mom, at least, not an involved one. She lives with HIM, her DAD, so maybe he should concentrate on being a good dad instead of trying to force you to be her mom. She is his responsibility, whether he's married to you or not.

Eventually, you will resent this bad enough to completely disengage (maybe from them both), then what will he do?

But how can I explain this to

But how can I explain this to him? Before we got back together and got married, I agreed to be more involved with parenting and I wholeheartedly want to stick to that because I do love him and SD so much, and as we go forward and eventually have children together, I want SD to feel like part of our family and never see a difference in her and our bio kids.

I am happy taking responsibility for her but I am not happy having certain tasks pushed on me when I do a lot already. It seems like any conversation I try to address this, he brings it back to "you agreed before we got married that you'd be a parent to her" and he's right, I agreed, but I meant I would help, not literally be monitored on what tasks I do/don't do.

It just seems like he feels

It just seems like he feels like unless I do ALL of the tasks equally completely, I am not acting as a parent. But I am doing tons of things for her and she's consistently referring to us as a "family" so she doesn't see any difference. My SD and I's relationship has improved incredibly since we got married and I stepped up more, so why is this not enough for my husband? I can't understand it.

You already do too much for

You already do too much for your H, and he's pressuring you to parent his child for him, too. Well, that's the dynamic you've established by rescuing him time after time.

The way it works is, the parent is one hundred percent responsible for their child. That's how it was before you married, and it remains reality after marriage. Yours is merely a supporting role, not a starring one. You can be a valued, positive influence in your SD"s life, you can lend a hand from time to time IF you want to, but your H is primary. These are facts.

If you are determined to make a life with a weak man, then you must be strong enough to recognize when he is trying to shirk or manipulate. Draw your boundaries, and enforce them. Tell him matter of factly to knock it off and take care of his own child. And again, SLOW DOWN. Get the present problems resolved before you add a baby to the mix.

ExjulieMccoy has nailed the

ExjulieMccoy has nailed the side of the barn house from a mile away.

One thing to keep in mind is while SD and you are close now once that blows up, which I would say the odds are about 80% that your relationship with her will disintegrate as she gets older, especially with you acting like her parent the odds are you will NOT want to be paying for a kid that disrespects you and all the things you are wanting to do now for a sweet child will change when it turns in to a potty mouth teenager.

sunshinex - I was thinking

sunshinex - I was thinking last night how to talk to DH and I've come up with a solution...

Simply tell DH, you want to be the fun soft parent cause you are only the SM, you do not legally have a right to discipline SD, if she needs it...which she will reaching teen years, thus he will be the disciplinary figure as from today onwards, he will make sure she follows through on tasks you gave her, small little chores like packing away dishes daily... or washing them... keeping her room tidy and the bathroom after she used it...

You will tell DH when SD is slacking and he will be the one enforcing consequences (you both decide on it before hand)

Simply say - a bio child will get angry at his birth parent but they will always love you cause there's a bond, but when a child gets angry at a Step parent - they stay that way, they become to hate you and then things gets ugly and you do not want that for your house hold... you will be the one drying the tears after he caused it, that will be the only bond you can get with a skid....

You can still help with the driving around, buying her things teach her things - thus you are still doing some parental things..... but just not disciplining her cause you do not want to break the trust now

This is SUCH a good idea!!

This is SUCH a good idea!! She's actually well-behaved, one of the best behaved kids I've ever met, but that's because I've done a lot of diciplining. Over the years he's definitely gotten stricter. I think because he's seen how much of a difference being strict makes and he enjoys the compliments from older people when we're out about how well-behaved she is But this is great. I will talk to him tonight and let him know I'd prefer to NOT be the one harping on her in the morning to get ready.

Haha, you're a smart cookie

It's fine what you did so

It's fine what you did so far, but remember this girl is reaching her teens and then they are pure hell to get along with, it's time to step away from the wooden spoon and let DH handle that part of the parenting...
Then SD will not hate you for life,

let me know how the talk went

I agree with the last point

I agree with the last point and sympathize with the original poster. The thankless job becomes that way when there is a perfect storm of a BM with little rules ( or worse empowering a child as a co parent well before they are psychologically able to assume that role) and a DM who is usually in a state of denial and looking for a surrogate parent to straighten out the skid. The skid has no legal or psychological standing to be successful in this task ( no matter how good their intentions and actions- they are simply being set up for failure). DH absolutely needs to understand that he is the bio parent and as such he needs to enforce discipline and a consistent set of rules. It is an easy (and common) out to pass this off to a step mom but that is overdelegation and setting you up for failure. Many times biodad is actually tremendous fearful of losing the love of his kids. This fear creates a destructive cycle of him focusing on short term happiness or sadness. He needs to comprehend that good parenting is focusing on what is right for the child in the long term and not letting them do whatever they want short term. I cannot stress enough that DH needs to understand he is primarily responsible and cannot delegate this because it appears a quick fix

No, I can't say that I was

No, I can't say that I was ever e.xpected to relace my SKid's SpermIdiot. I never wanted to. However, I happily accepted being my SKid's dad. I happily accepted setting the primary example of what a man, husband, father, son, brother, and uncle is.

I am proud that I was present to counter the toxic crap that the shallow and polluted SpermClan end of my SKid's gene pool exhibited and give him a positive example to balance that of his waste of skin SpermIdiot.

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Is Anyone Else Expected to Replace Bio Parent?