I need HELP please
Just a run down. Myself and my loving husband have been together going on 4 years. He has a daughter who is 12. When we first got together everything was fine. 2 years ago we got full custody because BM is on drugs. I understand SD was having trouble changing schools and pretty much losing any normalcy she had. She hated the first school we enrolled her in and it was a constant fight to do homework. Now we have her in a new school where she is an A/B honor roll student and loves to go everyday. Now everything is starting to fall apart. I don't know what to do. I've tried to disengage but I guess I'm a failure at that. No matter what I do she always has an attitude with me then I get upset and get an attitude back. She will go out of her way to help other people but refuses to help me unless told to do so. I try to do stuff for her all the time (not so much now because I'm tired of doing for someone who has no respect for me) She doesn't stay the night at our house because she refuses to sleep by herself unless someone lays in the bed with her (grandparents let her sleep in the bed with them. She is bad about talking terrible to her grandparents but we get into it because I will not let a child talk to me like that. She never gets disciplined hardly ever. She lies a lot. Has went and told her mother that I said I was a better mother than she was, I have never said that! We recently got her a phone for her 12th birthday well I saw in there where she put my name in there with devil signs all around it, so I took my number out of her phone. She got pissed off throwing a temper tantrum for not being allowed to go to a ball game. I mean a screaming crying fit just because she was told no. Well no one got on to her for her behavior then one of the grandparents came to the house and took her to the game. Unreal! Then if I ask her to pick up after herself she gets mad or pretty much ignores me. It will tear her up to have to do the dished one night. My DH doesn't get on to her when acting up and we get in to it, he gets pissed at me. For example, last night she drug things out of the kitchen cabinets looking for a brownie. She asked me if I had thrown them away (because she doesn't actually look) so I said no you'll have to just keep looking they are in there, but when you get finished make sure you put everything away. Mind you DH is right beside me. about 20 minutes later go into the kitchen and there is crap all over the bar. Stuff she had dragged out plus the topping from a cookie she had decided to eat and got it all over the counter. We end up getting into it, but do you think DH even said a word to her about it..NO! He ends up getting on to me and basically telling me not to say anything to her that if anything needs to be done he will handle it. He says I am always trying to pick a fight with her or I'm being to hard on her. I pretty much told him that I was disgusted with all that was happening because she talks like trash to me then I get pissed and talk to her like that but he never says anything to her about it only to me. I said I wasn't surprised cause she talks to his mother like shit and he doesn't say a word to her about that either. When we finally discussed what happened he told me I needed to shut up cause I wasn't doing anything but digging my hole deeper. He told me I'm sorry you're so damn perfect and you think everyone should be perfect just like you..REALLY?! I'm not trying to make your daughter perfect, I'm just trying to get her to pick up after herself and have manners..DUH!!! We are trying to sell our home and at any moment the realtor could call while we are at work saying they needed to show the house, so excuse me for trying to have it presentable. I am so upset by this. I've gotten to the point where I don't even say our kid just "your child" because between his parents and himself they basically have not allowed me to be a parent. It's pretty much like "I'm sorry for making her pick up after herself, shame on me for saying anything". Thanks for listening to the rant. sorry It was so long lol.
Where is this loving husband
Where is this loving husband when she is doing all of these things? You cannot make a kid do anything that their parents don't require out of them. If she doesn't have to respect her elders that "make the cut" then you, someone she doesn't seem to like, will definitely have trouble getting anything out of her. I don't understand why your DH lets her run off to her grandparents house. She is fourteen years old and someone needs to buck up and make her sleep in her bed alone like most teenagers her age. She will never change until she starts having to face consequences for her disrespectful choices. All that being said, none of this is on you. The only thing you need to do is stop worrying about how she will turn out. She is not a reflection on you and you cannot care or do more for her just because her own parents/grands are failing her. He is telling you he doesn't want your help. She is telling you she doesn't want or respect your help. You are saying you are tired of being treated this way...so stop. Stop worrying if she has brownies in the cabinet. Stop responding to her when her dad is sitting right there and can answer the same question.
I was there and I was asking
I was there and I was asking for help you can look at my blog and since then everything has spiraled more out of control and I wish more than anything I would have disengaged!. Its not easy. Heck, I gave up on it. My DH was the same way. I wish I had better advice for you. just disengage and when she makes a mess like that hold him accountable. look , you don't want me to make her clean up after herself then I need you to step up and start doing it. but you have to stick with it. Like I said you can read my blog things are completely outta control. I wish I'd listened and disengaged don't give up.
I was there and I was asking
I was there and I was asking for help you can look at my blog and since then everything has spiraled more out of control and I wish more than anything I would have disengaged!. Its not easy. Heck, I gave up on it. My DH was the same way. I wish I had better advice for you. just disengage and when she makes a mess like that hold him accountable. look , you don't want me to make her clean up after herself then I need you to step up and start doing it. but you have to stick with it. Like I said you can read my blog things are completely outta control. I wish I'd listened and disengaged don't give up.
Sounds like two middle school
Sounds like two middle school girls. You're behaving no better than she is. Devil horns around your name? Stay out of her phone. If Dad wants to monitor it, fine.
Has to tear everything out of the cupboard to find a lousy brownie? I'm gong to bet you hid those brownies clear clear back in the most inconvenient possible corner and shelf. Even then, you couldn't let it go. Dad is standing right there. He can tell her to put away the items or he can choose to ignore and do it himself. No need for you to have a go at the rebellious kid. She left you looking silly.
This kid doesn't have a home. She lost it when Dad got custody of her. Now she gets sent off each and every evening to grandparents. Why? Because she has a father who chooses not to parent, a SM who demands 'respect' yet cops the kid's same age attitude (yeah, like that will work) and grandparents 1/2 raising and parenting a misplaced kid.
It's only going to get worse from here. Time for Dad to step up and you to back off.
I do not go through her
I do not go through her phone. she was showing me how she was entering peoples names in her new phone and I saw mine. No I did not hid the brownies they are on the same shelf where they have ALWAYS been with all of the other junk food. We had people coming to look at our house that we have for sale and my husband had taken paper plates and a couple of bags of chips and put them in the junk food cabinet (which I did not know about)to help tidy the place up before the realtor got there.
As far as not having a home we have tried everything we can think of to make her feel at home. We have pretty much taken her and let her pick out what bedroom furniture she wanted and things to decorate her room. We do not send her to her grandparents every night. She calls them to come get her and only tells us after she has already called. Or before she had a phone she would throw a fit for us to call.
As far as losing my shit, you are damn right I did. Yes my husband does need to step up. Is he helping in any way NO and that is terrible. I am trying to deal with things the best way I can so excuse me if I do lose my shit.
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
read this 100 times a day till you remember it. Disengage , stick to it.... stop asking SD to do anything, turn to DH and tell him to clean, tidy up - I was in the same situation and I stopped asking Aergia anything, I even moved back to my own house lol......
If SD asks you for a ride, or where's the brownies, or she needs stationary what ever, do not help her, smile and say Ask your Dad.... even if he's not around, if SD starts screaming at you, give her the b!itch look and say - mind your manners little girl, turn around and walk away, from there onwards if she talks to you - hold up your hand (you know the sign of talk to the hand cause the face ain't listening)
If SD wanst to go somewhere, stay out of it, Grans can come and pick her up, you do not say yes or no... you ignore... if DH comes home and his kid is gone, smile and say talk to your parents, I had nothing to do with it.
You main problem is DH and his parents, not the 12 year old, thus stop trying with her, start working on your DH...
he will get tired off this and he will think you are not supporting him, but he will step up being a parent and talk to his parents. Never buy SD any gifts.... split finances, you only pay your share and you do not share your money, this is the quickest way my SO learned... he got use to me paying for allot and sharing and buying Aergia stuff, till I disengaged, he never told her NO... when I started talking about it, I had to hear, I don;t love his kid - I looked him in the eye and I said - you are right, I don't love your child cause she's not my responsibility...
3 years down the line, I have a wonderful life lol - SO not so much cause he's full on parent now and he says no... he deal with the little snot... not me, I only deal with him and make him clean
Thank you for everyone's
Thank you for everyone's input. I am pretty sure I am losing a battle I shouldn't even have to be fighting. It's crazy! I am going to just start letting crap go. I have to remember that I am not responsible for how she turns out and if our home starts to look like a landfill because my DH refuses to have her pick up things then so be it.
I can't keep getting upset after working 8-9 hour days, coming home to cook, then cleaning, doing laundry if needed, just to turn around an hour later and crap being all over the house. So I am just going to let it go and see how long it takes.
I have disengaged for about 2
I have disengaged for about 2 months now. Man, it is hard. Not because of the kids. That part is easy, you just have to turn your give-a-f*** meter off. It is DH, but really he is the problem, not his kid. I reassured DH that I support him as a parent and as my spouse, and if he asked me for help I would do my best to be there for him, but that I wasn't going to put myself in the situation to lose my temper and be treated poorly.
It worked for the most part. Most of the rules I had in order were taken away because he thought they were too constricting on his precious little ones. Now, he is seeing why those rules were in place and he is starting to reinstate them. DH is seeing what it feels like to always be the one to notice the poor behavior because anytime the kids say anything about anything the response is "I don't know, go ask/tell your father."
As the adult, it is your responsibility to treat her with kindness and respect. I had a very hard time being kind to SS11, so I stayed the f*** away from him. I would still say hello when I saw him and goodnight if he bothered to say it to me, but other than that I went and got a hobby and let DH raise his children the way he wants to. It takes so much strength and commitment to disengage, but the benefits are worth it.
I am slowly starting to reengage at the moment. My husband seems more receptive of my style of parenting. If it goes south again, I will gladly disengage again. It's all about getting to middle grounds for what we both want and need. This is my life too, neither he nor his children get to hold it hostage.