Get counseling and a good therapist and read what you just wrote about the things he and his ex did to remind you why you got out of that clusterfuck of a situation. I think he was only the "love of your life" in idea--because no love of my life would even THINK for a second about treating me the way he treated you. I know break ups are hard, and if you can just get through the first 6 months without bending or breaking, you'll get stronger. You're missing the oxytocin rush of "being" with someone but that too shall pass, and you'll look back and be like, what was I thinking even staying that long in a dysfunctional situation like that?

It hurts but it's the right decision for you. You want something different than he is willing to offer and that's okay.

He knew your position but did not respect it. Little by little, he was seeing how far he could push it, what you would put up with, how far he could go before you would stand up for yourself. He was hoping that you would not stand up for yourself at all and he could have his cake and eat it, too.

Good for you for not letting him have it.

You deserve better and will eventually find it.

https://www.steptalk.org/node/228688

We pretty much got both sides of this from both your ex and you in the above link.

I'm sorry, but the relationship couldn't last. You are both in very different places in your lives. He's going to co-parent his children as he sees fit. Right or wrong. Do not beg after this man. He's never going to change what he believes is the correct way for he ad his sons.

Mourn your loss and work at moving on. He's told you it's too late...a big indication that any acceptance and changes of his co-parenting would have to be on your end. He's doing his raising of his children and co-parenting the way he wants to. End of story aka relationship for him.

Unfortunately for you dear, as much as you don't want to admit it, you have just been playing house with a "married man". He clearly isn't ready to make a commitment to you because he can't make a commitment to himself first. It''s not you. This is between your boyfriend and his ex. I don't think that you will ever have the place in his heart that you rightly deserve but on that note, nobody else will either except for his ex until he draws a line in the sand.

He's on a men's divorce forum whining about it still: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=75673

You lasted two years longer than I would and I waited 20 years for my now DW to come back and realize we should have always been together. I would have tossed it all away if she didn't listen and respect my feelings... so I think you did right. You deserve to be happy in life. If he loves you, he'd work harder at making it so.

Wow I just skimmed over the thread...
Why in the world are ya'll on forums talking to strangers and not each other. THAT is why it was never going to work. Next guy you date, please don't bother unless you can be absolutely open and honest about things... all things. That is true intimacy, and without it, no marriage/serious relationship will work.

I just read the bottom of this thread and im very glad to see that you've moved on. But I wrote this out first, so here it is....

Reading your story was painful. Sometimes the bio parents just seem to be brainwashed by having had a kid. He seems to be under the impression that because she happens to be the mother of his child, he needs to place her before anyone and everyone in his life. Maybe its because he's still carrying a torch for her, and maybe its because he somehow believes this is in his child's best interest and his child comes first. His requirement that you prove your performance in a blended family before moving forward indicates this as well. It means the family you are expected to blend with is more important to him than you are or likely ever will be and he's not interested in learning to make it work if there are problems later, he expects that you will simply be perfect off the bat or you're just not good enough.

I'm sorry that you feel this man is the "love of your life" but I can guarantee that he's not. Love is mutual, it requires two people to feel the same way, and he is clearly incapable of holding you in the same regard that you hold him. Its not love if its not returned honey. If he has no interest in extricating himself from BM's web, he is not able to be in a relationship. At least not a functional one.

Right now his definition of "co-parenting" is very close to most people's definition of him still being in a relationship with this woman. If he feels that's the best way to raise his kid, that's a personal choice for him to make. It also means he is choosing not to have any real functional relationship in his life. If he believes that's in the child's best interests and a sacrifice he has to make as a father, that's completely on him. He's free to ruin his life on his own terms, do not let him take you down with him.

You are a person with needs and wants and you will put your SO first in your life, and you deserve the same. I understand that its a balancing act because when there is a child the child must sometimes necessarily come first, but not all the time. In your case the boyfriend has decided to run his life with his SO being third behind the child and the ex. This is a complete and total disservice to you, it cheapens you as a person and reduces you to a commodity. In a relationship you need to be viewed as an equal and not as an item to be cast aside when you're inconvenient. RUN and don't look back. There are plenty of people in this world who can love you and respect you as the woman you are, and not as an afterthought to their dysfunctional existence

Saw this quote the other day that certainly applies here: You are another in a long line of women to date a conflict-avoidant man whose ex-wife takes advantage of his good nature to hang onto some perks of the prior relationship and call it "parenting."

There is co-parenting and then there is licking your ex's boots.

I'm way late to this whole melodrama but I have some thoughts anyway in case you come back, OP.

1. Constant superiority complex over poor scullery maid in the corner you who knows nothing about "communication" or "relationships." Cuz he's such an expert with his one teenage marriage full of adultery.
Check.

2. You had to audition for his ex-wife.
Check.

3. You had to audition for the "role of stepmom" before he would propose.
Check.

4. After 3 1/2 years, he still has this list of major hoops for you to jump through before he could be "sure" he wanted to propose. In yet another year.
Check.

5. Tells you your idea to seek the mediation of a professional--a "stranger"--is stupid.
Check.

6. Seeks the intervention of strangers himself on the internet in at least 2 different fora.
Check.

7. Thinks these strangers are brilliant when they tell him you're immmature and he's well shot of you.
Check.

8. Suddenly these strangers are "bitter" and "hateful" when they say the same thing to you after hearing the rest of the story.
Check.

9. Endlessly repeats how willing he is to compromise in the same breath as endlessly defending every single position he has.
Check.

10. Tells us womenfolk here one thing while revealing material details--a hidden agenda--to the menfolk.
Check.

All future women in his life will be told the same story about how you were so "jealous" and couldn't accept his role as a father. At first these women will want to prove they are nothing like that witch. Until one day they realize the real truth of the situation and they high tail it, too. Sadly, one or more may even marry him before they figure it out.

This new bf of yours may turn out to be a player or he may be wonderful, but you will be fine. Do not look back. I'm sure tek had great aspects of him. But they came at too high a cost. He's enmeshed with bm, is condescending to gf, and for all his balderdash about his great openness and communication, he was keeping his true agenda secret from you.