BM changed her mind -- now she wants to move 800 miles away WITH SS/SD 7
I posted not long ago that BM told DH that she wanted to take a job 800 miles away and she would likely leave twin SS/SD7 behind with us. She had us come to her house for a meeting about this and now it's gotten, well, worse.
I'm sure there are plenty on this site that don't see an issue (and I'm with DH on this) but when we got SKs from school yesterday (they were at BM's Tues-Wed), they said BM talked about the move with them, asked them if they wanted to move with her, why we wouldn't be able to move with them, and that they would only see one side of their family a few times a year. DH asked her about the conversation and said he didn't think it was appropriate to bring 7 year olds into this -- BM said she values their opinions and thinks they're old enough to make a decision. (Probably not so coincidentally, SS7 has started having toddler like bathroom accidents the last few weeks.) BM also told SKs that she has until today to make a decision. (DH was especially displeased that BM was updating SKs about this but refusing to update him.)
BM told DH today that she's decided to take the job and that she's going to take him to court for custody. She says she can't stand her job here anymore and she doesn't want to split up for family. She told DH to expect time in the summer and alternate holidays; no mention of CS.
DH is quite downtrodden and I guess I am, too. I suppose I saw this coming but it still sucks. We were already trying to have our own baby before this all started again, we were looking for a house in SKs school district so kids would all be in same school area -- and then boom, now we aren't sure if we are going to have the money for the fertility stuff we've been routed into (whole other story) and it's hard to know what to do about our house search.
Yeah... Attorneys have been contacted, too...
What a bummer week. Seriously getting another beer...
It may not be as easy in
It may not be as easy in court this time as BM seems to think it will be. She's talking a much farther distance, the kids are older and more established in schooling/friends/activities.
I don't think it's comparable to debate the routine 'parent moves away' bit when a parent has 50/50 home splits to a parent that has a older traditional EOWE and a midweek dinner visitation. Not comparable at all. I believe a move and custody change to the tune your BM is planning is very disruptive to a seven year old who is well established in both parents homes 15days a month with very actively involved families.
You're right in that he can't
You're right in that he can't prevent her from moving, but he can prevent her taking the children with her. She has no right to take them so far away from their father.
Attorney recommends waiting
Attorney recommends waiting until we receive a relocation notice before the next step. DH is going to request that twins stay here FT and BM can have the summer/holiday visits she offered him.
Some disclosure on our
Some disclosure on our situation:
a) Current situation with custody is 50/50, no CS, all expenses split evenly...
b) DH and I have been trying for a baby. This has been fraught with issues that has lead us to look into IVF and adoption simultaneously. BM and SKs have been left out of this, but...
c) DH and I have also been looking for a house with an extra bedroom or two not only because of the aforementioned points but twins have outgrown their room and it's time to split them up. Furthermore, our house is in a neighboring school district (less than 15 minute commute to school and turned out BM has the better elementary school in her district), we felt it better to add another kid to our family in the same school district as SKs by looking there. With BM dropping the bombshell that she was seriously considering moving without twins, we switched gears and started aggressively house hunting. Now... I just don't know what to do...
It feels like kids will be facing a move no matter what. If they go with her, it'll be a new town, new school, closest family is BM's extended family 3.5 hours away (currently two days drive from where we live) but they will be with two half brothers, age 16 and age 2. If they stay with us, they would be in a bigger house, same school, same friends, closest family is 3.5 hours away (DH's family), but no siblings until DH and I inevitably find our conclusion to that rather personal matter. Maybe it's worth noting that BM's family is full of drama. Her half brother is facing a murder charge for killing her stepdad, mom died two years ago, her father is a convicted conman... There's a few that seem all right but it's definitely not the kind of family DH likes the idea of twins being around more often than they already are.
Last week she was saying that she would move without twins if we promised to move into the district (which we were already planning to do) and now she says she won't split up her family so she's petitioning the court to take twins with her, too. She also said that she's leaving even if she loses in court and SKs stay here.
She doesn't get to just
She doesn't get to just decide that she is moving with the kids. Lawyer up. It is quite likely that since you have 50/50 you and DH would be given primary custody with her getting visitation and paying CS.
I have been the mom who moved (won't get into the reasons why). I consulted an attorney and was basically told that if my ex objected to my moving, he would automatically get primary custody if we went to court. After much discussion with the children (my kids were teens) I ended up giving primary residential custody to my ex and started paying him CS. I got ALL holidays, although in reality they didn't always come to me for various reasons (extra-curricular things). I know every state is different, every judge is different, and what works for one family doesn't always work for another. My point is that BM doesn't get to call the shots, your DH has just as much pull as she does.