Grandma? Not feeling it

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Like some others here, my DH is a few years older than me. My bios are teenagers and his kids are starting to have kids. Recently skid has started asking us to babysit sgrands. And by us, I really mean me because I would be the one to change diapers, clean spit up etc. while DH plays with sgrands in between watching his TV shows. I feel guilty but I don't want to do any babysitting. I'm just not into little kids right now. My kids are at the stage where they are mostly independent & I am enjoying time to finally relax. I'm sure when I have grandkids of my own I will feel "grandmotherly" but I just don't right now. If the gskids were older DH could probably handle them on his own, but right now they require to much care. Well, let me honest, he could do all the care, he just doesn't want to. On one hand I want my DH to have this babysitting time, but I don't want to do all the work. Actually any of the work. I know I sound like a selfish B, but it's just how I feel. My skids have been awful to me, im sure that's part of why I feel this way. How do I have this conversation without hurting DHs feelings?

"DH, I know you enjoy your

"DH, I know you enjoy your time with your grandkids. I've decided that now my children are more independent it's time to spend some time doing something for me! When you're baby-sitting, I'm going to be (running, quilting, sewing, shopping, hiking, etc). That way you have quality time with the grands and I don't feel bad for going off and leaving you by yourself with nothing to do!"

I'm not afraid of my husband.

I'm not afraid of my husband. I simply asked advice on the best way to have this conversation with him. I want to express my feelings to him in a sincere way, but try not to cause resentment or hurt feelings. Unlike you, I try not to come across as a total bitch.

So don't babysit. If DH says

So don't babysit.
If DH says yes to his skids, make plans to be out.

You sound like you somehow

You sound like you somehow think it's your job/responsibility/good wifely duty to provide DH with this babysitting time so he can see his grandkids. Your thinking here is off. If he is capable of their care and too lazy to do it, him not spending time with them right now is on him. He can manage his own relationships, he's a grown man. You are not depriving him of anything by telling him he can go right ahead but you're not participating. Then make plans to be out. Or when the baby cries walk away, tell him to deal with it whatever and refer him back to the fact that He agreed to babysit, not you. He's your husband, not your kid. It is not your job to arrange his play dates just because he's too lazy to put in some work.

You're right my thinking here

You're right my thinking here is off, great advice.

Agree with everyone else. Be

Agree with everyone else. Be honest with your dh, but I also understand he may resent you for it. I went through this years ago when DSGS8 was a baby and at our house like every other weekend, so his mother could go play. Dh's son screwed up his marriage with drugs and ended up living 5 hours away, so his ex used US as her weekend babysitters since her own family doesn't live here. I work full-time and honestly don't feel "grandmotherly" toward dh's grandson, so totally resented it and dh knew it. Dh got over it and did do all the work, but resented MY resentment over his grandson spending every other weekend (Friday night through Sunday afternoon) at our house.

Good luck!

This is exactly what I was

This is exactly what I was contemplating. I'm trying to decide if this issue is worth the resentment or not. Do I deal with DHs resentment or just suck it up and change the diapers a few times a month? DH still has the fantasy of us being doting grandparents together. I have explained to him that I am afraid to get too close to the sgrands, because some of them were already yanked from being able to see us because skid had a hissy fit. Also, I just don't consider them my "real" grandkids. Just as skids don't consider me their "real" grandma. We are all ok with this, but DH doesn't seem to get it. He is more than welcome to be the doting grandpa, I just don't have the same enthusiasm. He comes from a family with no divorce (until his from his ex wife), so he doesn't quite understand that there is invisible wall with steps that you don't have with real blood, especially when the steps treat you like crap.

...Just be honest with Him.

Damn, I missed the boat on

Damn, I missed the boat on this one lol. Gay skids would have worked out perfectly for me.

If your DH isn't willing to

If your DH isn't willing to do all the work, then why should you be? You can have your feelings, you are entitled to them. I don't blame you for not feeling it especially if you have no bond with your stepkids. Maybe you should talk to DH and let him know you're not feeling doing all the work and that you might be willing to compromise but you need to see where his head is at. Maybe you can both agree that you don't want to be counted on as babysitters.

Thank you all for the advice.

Thank you all for the advice. In my mind I am thinking of it as my "duty" to help with the care of the sgrands while they are at our house. I guess I was seeing it as one of those sacrificial things you just do in marriage. The things you don't enjoy, but you just do it because you know it brings happiness to your spouse. DH & I both do those things for each other at times, I just needed to find a way to draw the line on this particular situation. It helps seeing a different perspective.

I have the same

I have the same dilemma...

DH's daughter will drop OSGS off for a day or two, and DH will be so thrilled - and me too I adore SGS's - but I'm the one doing all the work and DH is just relaxing and feeling proud

OSD will have filled OSG's head full of nonsense about DH and BM's divorce, that Dh is the grandparent and I'm really not, etc.. etc..

Then OSD will show up to pick OSGS up, and thank DH, for looking after him. Grrrrr......!

Last time OSGS stayed with us I told DH he could do a little more, especially if OSD has filled OSG's head full of nonsence to make sure he knows I'm not family, and especially as she doesn't show any acknowledgement towards me let alone appreciation

Of course, after a short while, little SGS is fine and following me around, and I'm once again doing everything, but what can I say...

Handle it carefully with your DH, but maybe be a little less available to babysit

I'm totally with you. My

I'm totally with you. My kids are independent and I'm not into chasing around an adhd 8 yr old and rambunctious two yr old anymore. last time ss26 and gskids were over the gskids kept asking me for things. I kept telling them, "go ask grandpa." DH keep trying to run and hide downstairs to talk alone with ss26. I kept sending the gskids down to find them

I can relate to this one too.

I can relate to this one too. My kids are independent teenagers now and I work full time so I like to enjoy my free time doing what I enjoy and it's not babysitting small children. I would probably feel different if my SD did not reject me from day one....but since she did I feel no desire to grow close to her kids. If my husband wants to see them or babysit....I can feel free to make other plans.

I have had this same issue

I have had this same issue and I just told DH I am not into babysitting. I didn't go into the whole SD issue - just stayed on topic. "I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT". He was grumpy and annoyed but I stood my ground. He ended up babysitting a few times, but I stayed busy and didn't get involved.

I know this will come up again, but he needs to understand that it is not how I want to spend my free time.

I think if you just tell your DH that you don't really feel up to it or have something else to do it would go over better, rather than bringing up the step problems. He might get defensive then like a lot of our DH's do when we speak negatively about their precious babies.

I agree...I did do it for the

I agree...I did do it for the first few years and became resentful as yes I was the one doing most of the work when the kids were with us and it was usually not just a couple of hours but an overnight. It started to feel really crappy when I took care of SD's kids for a weekend and she comes and picks them up and can only acknowledge her daddy and never can even bother to say thank you. I tried really hard in the beginning...I would even do things such as send a pic of the kids with grandpa playing at the park...and guess what....not one response. Then the birthday parties...."go tell grandpa" thank you. I was and still am invisible to her so I know choose to be invisible to her. I was a fool to do it as long as I did...but you live and learn.

I never had a discussion with my husband. I started telling him I have something else going on whenever he mentioned the kids would be coming over. I think he took the hint. Funny thing is - now she has said he can't see them as she is upset over something.

I"m with the rest of you who

I"m with the rest of you who have no interest in babysitting DH's grandkids. His daughter has a 2 1/2 year old daughter and his son has a hyperactive, non-disciplined 8 year old son.

I agree that a lot of my lack of wanting to babysit comes from not being accepted by his kids, especially his daughter. I've been with my DH since before the 2 1/2 year old was born, but we're called Papa and "my first name". I am the one who buys the birthday and Christmas presents, but the thank you text goes to my husband only. My SD has never accepted me and has shunned me so many times I've lost track. She's the one who still sends her father a Valentine card! She does even include her daughter when signing the card.

During my DH's divorce from his ex, his son sided with BM and went so far as to threaten that he would report my husband for abusing his grandson! And now, we get messages from this same son saying we should be taking the grandson for weekends! Not over my dead body!

Yes - I use to buy the

Yes - I use to buy the gifts...but no more. You don't want to accept me and you certainly don't want your kids to ever call me grandma - because they did when they were really little - but she put a stop to that - so I WILL NOT BE grandma.

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Grandma? Not feeling it