I've started this post about 10 times...
...and I keep deleting it because when I put my story in writing, it sounds about as ridiculous as it truly is. I don't even really need advice, as I have my mind made up and I know what I need to do for myself. But I need to just get it out... to people who can relate in some way and maybe understand what I'm going through and how hard this is. You’re going to think I'm crazy for taking on what I have, and sometimes I wonder if I am haha. But try not to judge me too harshly, I've done what I thought was right at each stage of this journey and my "right" keeps changing as I learn and grow.
So here it is. My boyfriend and I started dating last summer (I've called him DH in other posts and will do so here as well for ease of reference but we are not legally married). He's got 2 kids, SS(12) and SD(8). DH works out of town and is basically only home every 2nd weekend. This is fine with me as a spouse, as I’m very independent and I cherish my alone time. He moved in with me very quickly and we set up rooms for the kids at my house for when he was home every second weekend. It was such a great arrangement. It alternated quiet weekends to myself and then my busy weekends with them which was perfect. Even BM was pretty decent with me at first. Despite comments from multiple people on numerous occasions about how horrible of a person she is, I chalked it up to bad blood based on the rocky past and thought "Well I'm a nice person, most people like me...they just needed a kind, reasonable, mature person to help diffuse the situation!" (I'll tell you later about how very, very wrong and naive I was). I fell in love with DH, and the kids and I got along great. Perfect little life.
In December, everything changed when we got word that BM's boyfriend (that she and the kids lived with) had physically assaulted SS (the boyfriend was criminally charged - trial is actually upcoming next week). BM said she was leaving him...and BM/DH asked if I would be okay with SS and SD living with me and DH full-time until BM got back on her feet. BM promised she would take them whenever possible and do all the running around for sports, etc. Seeing as they had rooms set up at my house already, and wanting them to be in a safe and in a stable environment, I agreed.
Well holy shit did I get played. BM turned into a fucking MONSTER as soon as they moved in. Lies, accusations, threats, harassment, CONSTANT interference, coaching the kids, interrogating the kids, being completely unstable, fuck...you name it and she's done it. Absolutely nuts. Never met anyone so horrible in my life, and this is ongoing to this very day. On top of making my life a living hell in whatever ways she can think up, she was not taking her kids at all...she was ZERO help in doing all the running around for them...and, lo and behold, we found out she had moved back in with the loser boyfriend about a week after he HIT HER SON. WTF? (sorry about all the swearing in this paragraph…she gets to me)
BM took SD back in February behind DH's back (this is a whole other story) but not SS. I’d like to be able to say this is because the loser boyfriend’s bail conditions state that he can’t be in the presence of SS, but I’ve since come to realize it’s also because BM doesn’t care to parent SS who is at a challenging and critical time in his life (Hormones are not a fun thing to deal with, as I'm sure many of you can relate. SS is also a product of his environment – he’s acting out because of what SHE has put him through). BM has no intention of taking SS back, nor would DH allow that anyway, for obvious reasons. BM won’t even take SS for her time every couple weekends, which is a blessing in the big picture, given her mental instability and the unsafe environment… but try explaining that to a 12 year old who can’t understand why mom doesn’t want to spend time with him. She hasn't even seen him in 2 months. How awful. Meanwhile BM hoards SD (her little princess) and it’s a fight every time to see SD on DH’s weekends home.
Anyway, this novel barely even scratches the surface of the number of fucked up things that have come of this. There’s just an absolute shit ton of issues at play here, and not one of them is mine yet I’m shouldering a ton of the burden. I am not at all happy with this arrangement. I’ve told DH he needs to find a job at home but the economy really sucks here right now and he’s lucky he’s even got a job. I get that he’s in a tough spot too, but when you decide to have children you need to make those tough decisions because your kid needs a PARENT!! I’ve made the decision for myself that I won’t continue this past the end of the school year (June) and DH either comes home full-time or they move out of my house. I love DH and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but only as a spouse and support for him...not with all of these other things that have been piled on. I also worry for SS’s future with all he’s gone through. He can be extremely challenging for sure but he’s not a bad kid, he’s just at a confusing age and add onto that being emotionally abused and then abandoned by his mom, and his dad who's not around very often. I feel for him, I really really do. But he has 2 parents, and someone besides me needs to step up.
We will see what the next few months brings. I hope it plays out well.
Thank you for your kinds
Thank you for your kinds words and understanding, Jasper.
You're a sweet person to put
You're a sweet person to put yourself out there like you have but you nailed it yourself; someone else needs to step up.
Does BM pay CS to BD?
Nope, he still pays her as it
Nope, he still pays her as it comes directly off his paycheck through the Maintenance Enforcement Program (so he doesn't have to deal with her directly). And of course she happily pockets the $$. He is trying to get to court to get it changed but the initial lawyer made no progress at all so he recently changed lawyers. Hopefully at least that part can be resolved sooner rather than later. She will still get paid some because we now each have 1 child and he makes more than her, but it will be a lot less...and hopefully she has to pay back arrears for the months of overpayment.
I myself make good money and I've offered to carry us financially for awhile if he can get even a low-paying job at home and get the child support adjusted. It would be tight, but it's doable. He says he can't just quit his job and come home. I get where he is coming from, and to be honest I don't know how the courts would view him quitting a high-paying job for a low-paying job (would that look like he's trying to avoid child support, or would they understand because he would be doing it to be home?). Anyway, I've pretty much offered up everything I can to make this work, but raising SS pretty much alone is past my boundary...
You are a person of character
You are a person of character unlike the Golden Uterus Breeder BM. If her BF is violent why is DH tolerating his daughter being in that environment? He needs to get that kid back pronto and get a revised custody order keeping them away from their idiot BM until she learns to keep child abusers away from her kids. While he is at it he needs to file for a CS mod to cut BM off from any of his money. If she has only one kid go for no CS. Once he gets his daughter too... nail her ass to the wall for as much money as possible. He needs to use the system and tools available to protect the safety, well being, and best interests of his children. That includes protecting them from their own BM and her idiot life choices.
Your efforts are wonderful and I understand your horizon to have DH home or he and the Skid out of your home. Each blended family sitaution is different and each adult/marrital relationship at the center of that adventure has its own spin. I am a firm believer of the fact that the adult relationship/Marriage is the only priority and takes precendence over anything and anyone one else including Xs and any kids in the picture regardless of kid biology. The kids are the top relationship/marrital responsibility but only the spouses and their marriage are THE priority.
That has worked well for my bride and I over 21+ years of blended family marriage. It has allowed us to thrive as a couple, effectively protect the best interests of our son (SS-23), and keep the shallow and pollutend end of his gene pool at bay and controlled in order to minimize their influence manipulations in his life.
Good luck.
So many of us seem to
So many of us seem to shoulder so much responsibility that isn't ours.
You are a good person.
Your DH needs to be home and take care of this so you have some breathing room.
As for the BM, I swear... they are all insane. Must be something in the water.
Well, 3 months later and
Well, 3 months later and things have changed very drastically. I followed through on my plan and told him he needed to be home because I could not continue raising his child on my own. It became abundantly clear that he was not willing to do so, or to do any of the things suggested here, and he continued to make only his work a priority (or so I thought). So rather than be there for me and much more importantly, his child, he moved out. As it turns out, I found out shortly after that he'd been cheating on me with someone he works with (while I was home caring for his child). SS now lives with his grandmother and continues to rarely see either of his parents. My ex continues to pay BM full child support because he can't even be bothered to get to court. I'm glad to have washed my hands of those two, but I feel just awful for the children. There's not a whole lot I can do though.
I think step-parenting can probably be a very rewarding and fulfilling role and I do miss the kids, but the lesson I have learned here if I do ever date anyone with kids again is boundaries, boundaries, BOUNDARIES are ESSENTIAL. You can't, and shouldn't, be everything for everyone.
Long story short, if any of you "bio child free" stepparents are having an awful time and your SO isn't doing everything in their power (reasonably) to make it easier on you, walk. Yes, breakups suck. Yes, it's hard to say goodbye to people you love. But I don't regret it for a moment (granted the cheating part made it a lot easier to get over him). I hear bits and pieces from people every so often about what's going on in his life and let's just say I'm so glad I'm not part of the madness anymore. I'm back to my happy and carefree self. Never again.
My condolences on the demise
My condolences on the demise of your marriage. However.. Congratulations! On the start of your new life adventure. And… most importantly … good riddance to the adulterous POS waste of parental skin XH.
You may want to make an effort to stay in touch with your Skid. Eventually Skids become adults who can choose what relationship they want with an XSP.
Take care of you and enjoy your new life.