Can I bail the next holiday?
Hi guys, I am new to this forum and trying to figure out if I can bail the next holiday (and how to best do it without offending anybody). My bf (we not married) has a 6 year old daughter. We get along very well but when she is with us (which is half the week) I fulfil the mum role. She just automatically comes to me for everything she needs: Attention, juicy, food, playdates etc. etc. I met my partner 3 years ago, we went to visit his relatives during my annual leave. I came back more exhausted, then when I left. This year the suggestion is a 12 day trip through the northern parts of our country which involves plenty of driving. 6 hours at a time. Now my question: I have a very stressful job + I am looking after the little one when she is with us during the week and consequently put her needs first. Can I bail and go to a yoga, green juice retreat and daddy goes with his daughter on this trip? I fear Im going to run myself into the ground. Thanks for your help!
You don't need our permission
You don't need our permission here. You may and can do whatever you like with your holidays. So go large!
Hi Monchichi, thanks for the
Hi Monchichi, thanks for the encouragement. How would you bring it across though? Every time I want to pull myself out of family activities my bf gets so upset and doubts my motherly capabilities.
I would propose the following
I would propose the following "My angel (insert loving pet name), I really feel you and mini you (child's name) need some quality time together. Before you know it, she will be all grown up. Why not take this holiday time to do that. I really feel it is important for the two of you."
Whoa, danger will Robinson!!
Whoa, danger will Robinson!! "My bf gets so upset and doubts my motherly capabilities"?!
Red flag! This also translates to every time there's a hint that my be may have to actually be a parent and do for his own kid he freaks out and guilts me back into the role I've taken on! He is using anger as a tool to manipulate you. He is questioning you "motherly capabilities" because that obviously hits some cord in you that you feel the need to then prove yourself to him.
Tell him you are burned out, you are doing x for your next holiday - you are taking care of yourself. If he does his normal anger - guilt combo I would seriously be questioning why he is in the relationship. Does he really love You or are you just a convenient replacement mother for his parenting time?
Learn the phrase "go ask your dad". Kiddo needs food or juice? Go ask your dad. She wants attention and you want a yoga class? Or hell a movie and a bottle of wine? Tell her to go ask your dad.
I am afraid you have set up a dynamic that may be difficult to change, particularly if your first concern is offending people. You need to tell your bf that this is His kid, not yours and he needs to start taking on more of the heavy lifting. Question his frigging capabilities as a father. If he questions your ability to mother shrug and tell him, well i guess you shouldn't be leaving the parenting to me - I'll let you handle it all since you obviously think I'm lacking and I know you only want the best for your child.
Stop trying to please everyone at the expense of yourself. this is Not your responsibility.
Hi, know what I have decided
Hi, know what I have decided in the process that I don't want kids on my own any more. Seeing too many miserable parents, bio parents that is
You guys are all seriously
You guys are all seriously funny. I haven't laughed so much in 3 years!!!!!!! Thanks for all the encouragement to claim my holiday - I feel relieved. Guys ok, I will do some breath of fire to calm my nerves and have the chat with him tonight. So far I have just listed to his suggestion without commenting...I only said I would give it some thought. Will let you know how it went. Regards, Your exhausted starfishy
Oh babe. We're not being
Oh babe. We're not being funny. We're talking from some hard-won experience.
I've been married for 6 years now, and at the beginning I was like you, throwing myself into it, trying to be mom-like. I burnt myself out and caused myself a lot of resentment, almost killed my marriage. Then DH and I had to have a lot of heart-to-heart talks (ie big fights) and adjustments of expectations (both his and mine...but mostly his). He just expected that we'd be one big happy family, and I went along with this expectation only to regret it later. I remember one particularly stressful beach vacation when we were still just dating and the kids were younger. Really wish I'd set some boundaries then!
You know the answer to your
You know the answer to your question and if you don't you should.
I don't waste my time
I don't waste my time vacation with my SO and his children for three reasons, #1 I don't want to go and #2 they need that time alone to build their relationship and back to #1- I don't want to go. LOL
Everyone has already given you great advice here- Echo nailed it-- watch out-- some men just want a babysitter to help them and watch for him trying to guilt you in to going, if he does that is a big sign he just wants you along to watch his kid so he doesn't have to.
We are headed on "vacation"
We are headed on "vacation" with the SDs to visit my family for a week, next week.
DP mentioned that "It will be nice to have a vacation!" last night. After I stopped laughing, I said, "It's not a vacation: My Family, the SDs, and a busy schedule of things we actually need to do will be tiring!" Plus, he knows that the SDs tend to come to me for things, and yes, I do my best in saying 'talk to your dad' but sometimes that's not possible, esp. involving clothing, bathing suits, girl stuff - increasing as they get older.
BUT DP saved the day by suggesting we go to a nice hotel/resort for a couple nights and after we get back, takes me away for a weekend somewhere romantic. OK!
Plus, I am making sure I have ONE day at the pool, not worrying about breakfast or lunch, just making sure my G&T is ongoing until dinner (I promised to cook for everyone this one night to give my sister some help then). SDs will know to not bother Cover. "Go Swim!"
Hi, here is how the story
Hi, here is how the story unfolds...
Thanks for all your replies and sharing your stories. I understand now why I was so anxious to talk to him. Alright, I told him that I would rather not join the holiday suggested. I said its mainly because of the extensive driving and because I would really like to have a tropical holiday just with him for a change (we have never been on a tropical overseas adventure together). To be fair we do spend a fair amount of time together during the week, as we can both work from home sometimes.
He got very upset and said that he wants to go on this holiday with his daughter, as he doesn't see her enough (visiting is irregular but generally she is with us half of the week). He also said that he planned three days in (its a 12 day trip), doing what I like to do (Im not a big bush/animal fan, prefer the beach). So yes I understand his point of view and said to him that I am happy to stay at home and he goes with her on her own.
Then he said he is looking for someone who can love the child like her own and likes to go on family holidays...and that he would set me free, because obviously living with him and his daughter is such a sacrifice for me. So he basically booted me out saying we are both right and that he can understand my point of view but that my view makes us incompatible. He seems to expect that I should be taking on all the new roles with a smile and that being a step mum is not a big deal (which is obviously not always possible), nor is it possible to feel like a family if the ex phones twice a day and the child cries for her mother when she is with us. I feel like I have been silenced, not able to have needs on my own or struggle with the role. If I do I am either titled jealous or not fit for family life.
I think its important to understand that the stepmother role comes with a certain job description, which you should either happily fulfil at all times or you should leave. I think thats something I am starting to realise. I am not a superhuman so I will have to chose the later.
Thoughts?
Yours Starfishy.
Amen to everything LadyFace
Amen to everything LadyFace says. Your poor BF is setting himself up to a.) stay single or b.) be in a relationship based on lies and half-truths...with a woman who claims to love the skid "like her own" just to keep the relationship. This is an absurd and, frankly, narcissistic expectation. I say this as someone who actually does love and even like my skids. I still don't miss them when they're not here and prefer my life when they aren't here. I can enjoy the time they spend with us, to an extent...chat with them, care for them. I'll never feel like their mother.
You dodged a major bullet.
Is the 12 day vacation
Is the 12 day vacation happening soon? If so, it seems to be the perfect time for you to move out. If not, move out anyway.
Hi N, the trip is in
Hi N, the trip is in September. I will need to move out before. It could be a blessing in disguise reading some of the other posts here Not sure. I just feel so used. Setting boundaries or having needs myself obviously not appreciated.
I think a 12 day vacation is
I think a 12 day vacation is a lot to ask. I would normally say try to compromise a shorter trip, maybe a weekend thing. However, if he is not willing to understand the stress of your job and wanting your vacation to relax and rest, things like that are likely to keep happening. If he doesn't understand that now, he might not in the future either.
Not only would I bail on the
Not only would I bail on the next holiday, but I would bail on this relationship, as he seems to be using you so that he does not have to have the responsibility of being a parent. And HE is the parent, not you.
There is a reason he gets so upset when you pull out of family activities. He does not want to take care of his own kid, he wants YOU to and you seem to be doing it.
Then he said he is looking for someone who can love the child like her own and likes to go on family holidays...and that he would set me free, because obviously living with him and his daughter is such a sacrifice for me.
With this^^^ he is trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty. Please don't fall for it.
He wants you as a nanny, not a partner.
Hi there HereIam, thank you
Hi there HereIam,
thank you for your response. I think you might be right - there is a lot of projection. He explained to me once that its hard for him to be part time dad...because you get your life back, can be selfish and free and then you are a parent again. When he realises she is taken care off because I am there, he removes himself. Its a tricky set up for everybody.
Anyway my new suggestion was (and this is me compromising as usual), reduce driving to a minimum, find a child friendly hotel where I can read and swim and the child can make friends and eat ice cream, instead of sitting in car the whole day with boring parents noone to play with. Guess who will need to turn into the clown, to keep her entertained?
He is not interested in this suggestion either, reckons she will be happy with the driving and has been nasty the entire day.
God Im so over this crap.
If he wanted someone to love
If he wanted someone to love the child like her own, he should have stayed with the MOTHER
GOOD RIDDANCE TO HIM. Spread your wings (arms?) and fly (swim?) Starfishy.
Haha yeah I have told him
Haha yeah I have told him that on more than one occasion but he doesn't want to believe it. He thinks dream wife is out there waiting to parent the little monster. Perhaps there IS a wifey out there who can't have children on her own but desperately wants one. It's possible. Should we add a category to this forum?