This is embarrassing to admit

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So lately I have these really outrageous thoughts and fears, that I am too self conscious to share with DH or any friends of mine.

DH and I plan to start a family in the next couple of years and I get these thoughts that pop into my head like: what if our child is sick, or not cute, or somehow different. What if my DH doesn't love our child because he already has his near-perfect son and daughter?

I acknowledge how immature and cruel those thoughts sound.

He has 2 healthy, beautiful and smart kids. It definitely makes me jealous. People rant and rave about how gorgeous these kids are. I always have to hear how the daughter is a little mini version of his ex (ew... no one except a stepparent can understand how hard it is to hear those things sometimes.)

It is shallow to think these thoughts, but I cannot help myself. I do not want my child to somehow be "less" to him because he has already "been there, done that." Maybe if he did not have both a son and a daughter... I would at least have a shot at giving him something different that BM did not already give him.

It just makes me sad and extremely nervous. I would love my child no matter what, I would think my child was perfect no matter what, I know it... I just hope he would too, without having the comparison of his 2 kids with BM.

My relationship with him is

My relationship with him is good. As far as biology and my fears... genetic heart disease runs in his family. His mother passed away from it young and his sister suffers from the same condition, he and BM never gave it much consideration but it worries me. I will seek genetic counseling and make my doctors aware of it when the time comes. I tell him often they should have the skids screened, but they have not done so.

I worry about passing on my anxiety issues. I was an anxious kid and that was tough.

But ultimately it is just how he looks at his kids, how amazing he finds them... I know he wants me to have a child of my own, but I know deep down if I did not want my own he would be perfectly content with his 2. His son and daughter... one of each...

I think it is just accepting that he had all of this before I came along and letting go of my fears that our child together will not quite measure up, that he won't be as excited as I will be...

Good to know I am not alone.

Good to know I am not alone. I did finally seek help. I see a therapist, I take a low dose of medication. It helps me a bit.

When people stop to gush over how amazingly beautiful his kids are I get this nervous feeling in my stomach. I almost am insulted by it... a lot of time people assume I am the mom, but nope, just the outsider with no blood relation/// :O

I am glad to hear how excited your husband is, I wish you the best during this exciting time.

I held off on medication for

I held off on medication for years because I was scared to death of side effects and I also wanted to "tough it out."

I mist say, it definitely does help me but I will try to go off of it and stay off for pregnancy. I do not want to be on it whilst pregnant unless I am suffering to the point where it is detrimental to my baby. I am not even planning on a baby for another year or 2 but I have already discussed the meds situation with my OB-GYN. That is the type of person I am, lol.

His BM is one of those low IQ types of people that doesn't have the mental capacity to actually worry about much (for example... being young and bringing 2 kids into a toxic relationship when neither her nor DH had steady jobs). I actually envy that when it comes to pregnancy... the "just roll with the punches" mentality. I do not want to let my fears make it hard to enjoy a pregnancy.

That is true. I try to ease

That is true. I try to ease my worries by reminding myself that often our quirks are what make us interesting. That I will love each and every unique part of my child and so will DH.

I hate to hear women make

I hate to hear women make nasty comments about their SKs looks, intelligence (or lack of), mental illness, special needs... I always wonder if those women forgot that the kids got half of their DNA from the man they plan to have a kid with. What happens if their kids end up having the same issues/problems?