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I dont know how to help my partner (step parent)

philly's picture

Submitted by philly on Thu, 02/04/2016 - 7:24pm

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Blended Family Issues

Hi everyone, im sorry to post in here as im not the step parent but i need some advise for my partner or advice for me im not to sure... So here goes, we are in a same sex relationship and have been together for 4 an a bit years, i have 2 kids BD 9 and BS 7 and we have a 8 month old together (i carried)donor on her side. We have many issues at the moment, first is that she has always struggled with mt kids, she doesn't like the idea of being tied down, we parent differently and somehow we are still together through that, we fight about what they are doing or haven't done quite a lot, she thinks im to easy and ignore a lot of stuff where as she like to be on there case all the time to get it done etc. She feels tied down like she cant do anything because our life revolves around kids, work and house work. I get shitty if she wants to go and do things because i feel like i shouldn't have to stay at home and do nothing and she feels like my kids aren't her responsibility. This was before our daughter was born as well, im content with things because im mum and i have to be lol where as she is still feeling separate after all this time or she doesn't want to be a part of it? they go to their fathers half holidays and ever second weekend and he is an absolute dick who doesn't want to parent on the same page as us so i feel some resentment comes from there as well because "hes the best and the funnest with little rules". Iv tries to be a more on top of it parent but im still stuck in letting things slide sometimes which the kids pick up on and it undermines her which annoys her.. i also get defensive with her a lot as i think shes mean or unfair. So shes basically said she cant do another year of nothing changing (meaning the kids getting easy). She wants time with our baby but my kids are in the way.

secondly...We have had a major fall out with her sister as she would come around un announced quite often just before an more so after our baby was born, we tried to explain it to her that baby doesn't sleep well and i don't want visitors ect but she didn't get it...anyway she blew up one day an accused me of stopping her from seeing her niece ect my partner and i have had huge fights over this and we now haven't seen her since November, she doesn't want anything to do with me at the moment and its affecting mine and my partners relationship.

Lastly... My own mother thinks we are treating our daughter differently to my other two an is being very immature and insulting at times.. She has always made me feel bad about my parenting since me an their dad broke up but its starting to sour my partner relationship with my kids even more, not to mention my mum who doesn't think shes dong anything! shes acting like my kids are hard done by and missing out on something?! so were are not seeing sister or my mum or my grandma (who is on mums level with guilt tripping me on stupid parenting things) and we've nearly got no family left!

Plus we are speaking to each other like shit now and have lost intimacy.. Sad

Oh my god. We need to go to family counselling but don't have time for that (full time work commitments)!

I dont want to loose her or have all of this be the end but we are stuck in quite the hole... Any advice would be appreciated Smile

Nala's picture

Submitted by Nala on Thu, 02/04/2016 - 8:08pm

I'm sure if you really wanted counseling, you'd find the time. We make time for what's important. Schedule during your lunch hour if you have to. Make time.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Thu, 02/04/2016 - 9:23pm

She needs to help you with the child you have together and share the responsibility of the home.

However, your kids (her steps) are not her responsibility and I can completely understand her resentment of you assuming she should help. These are not her kids, they're your kids. It's too bad their bio-father isn't helping but again, that is on you and not on your partner.

I highly recommend the book Step-Monster for both of you so you both can gain a better understanding of your roles.

And what Nala said....if it's important, you'll find a way. Anything else is just and excuse.

My H and I did long distance marriage counseling (I was on the mainland, he was living in HI) for a year. If we could work it out living 3,000 miles apart, I'm sure you can work it out living in the same home.

Amcc13's picture

Submitted by Amcc13 on Fri, 02/05/2016 - 4:01am

Ok so a lot going on. I think things will need to change and hopefully things can improve - you are looking for help so that's a good sign

First : issues around chores- this drives me crazy! The house is nice and clean and then sk come in and it's mud, unmade beds and inability to clear plates from table ,etc . It comes from a place where I hate lazy and well I don't have parental tolerance for sk. Most people on this site have a bit of it I think. And it makes me especially crazy when I ask for something to be done gets half done and bd lets rest slide.
So to try and solve it: ask her what jobs she needs help with around house and everyone pitches in. So if she wants for example the house cleaned once a week, everyone is assigned a job and does there job to completion, no letting anything slide. After all when they go to work, their managers won't let stuff slide if they are suppose to do it? another idea may be to draw up a contract between you stating break down of jobs in house , what she expects of you and sk, what you expect of her,etc. this may help open communication
I think the main issue with this is two fold- she feels she is not being heard on things important to her and you are undermining by letting things slide. This has to stop. Period.
However: if she wants to have nothing to do with sk that is her right. They are not her children not responsibility and will never be so. They are yours and your ex. And if you have been letting things slide and undermining her then I really can't blame her. You may be left to deal with your kids alone

Two : she want to spend time with baby we share and not sk. Yep that's fine. It is her kid and she will of course feel different. You can't understand that cause all three kids are your kids. Be kind to both of you and schedule her some one on one mom and daughter time while you take your other two out and do something fun with them. She gets her time with kid alone and your kids get some time with you which is hard to come by after a new baby

Three: her sister. Her sister was out of line for sure. Who goes out of their way to wake a sleeping baby?
Have one conversation with your partner; tell her that you don't want it effecting your relationship. But at the end of the day it is more important that the baby sleep and gets the development baby needs than her sister hurt feelings. But don't apologise because you did what a good mom does in this case and she threw a tantrum. Convey this pragmatically to your partner and say nothing more about it. This is not your fight- she needs to sort this out with her sister and her diva entitlement. Sorry we didn't role out the red carpet

Four: your mom. There may actually be some weight to what she says. Your partner is probably favouring your child cause she is her own. She will spend more time with her and she will love her because she is her own. She does not have to feel the same nor do the same for your children- that's your job and ex job. Perhaps find a quiet moment somewhere and reflect on the possible grain of truth in it.
That being said, she needs to BUTT THE FUCK OUT. And you need to be the one to tell her.
Maybe go have a coffee and say something like 'I realise your trying to help and make sure things are even but we are still trying to get the hang of this blended family thing. And what you are saying in earshot of kids isn't helping. If you notice a problem, please come and say it to me in my ear when we are alone. But don't just blurt it out for all to hear'
Maybe she could also take your two from ex out a bit more if she feels they are not getting enough attention and then you two could have some baby and couple time?

Five: if you are serious about saving your marriage you will go to couple therapy. Send the sk to the ex, send the kids to nana since she seems to enjoy stocking her nose in, hire someone. If you are willing to do whatever it takes then do it

Cause let me tell you from what you described and what your partner said she already has a foot out the door

I hope these suggestions help. You can only do your half and get counselling and hope for the best. I wish you luck.