Slow down and breathe.

You are not seeing an unbiased sample here. See that statement on the header? "Where stepparents come to vent"? Guess who is posting here? People who need to vent. Guess who isn't posting here? People who don't need to vent.

Stepmoms who are happy aren't on the internet writing about how happy they are because they don't need to turn to a forum for support. They've got nothing to vent about. They're not here, but their absence shouldn't be interpreted that they don't exist.

So to conclude that you, an individual, are destined to be unhappy because you're reading stories of people being unhappy is a really inappropriate conclusion to draw.

You're lucky they're boys.

If you don't want to be resentful about personal space, those children should not move into your house. It will feel like an invasion... at least it does to me. FDH needs to purchase or rent a home large enough to accommodate all of you (with a private SM room for retreating from the chaos). It is perfectly reasonable to expect a MAN to provide a home for his new family - even if you pay half the down payment. In the meantime, keep your home, rent it out, and enjoy picking out a new space together so you can all start fresh.

What brought you to this site? Was it a certain incident or are you just trying to prepare yourself?

****

By all means do not sell your house. That way if things go south you will have a place to go. There is more than one woman on this board who wishes she had never sold her house when she move in with her partner.

You are smart to read this site before making your decision. I came across this site only recently, made tons of mistakes . I allowed my ex with his 2 children(a girl 6 and boy 4 at that time) to move into my home and regretted since. I also have no children of my own and a professional. Apart from the fact that their father had no parenting skills who allowed them do anything, I was also their slave for 3 years. I got out , and still running as fast as I can, not looking back. l can’t get over why allowed myself to be treated in the way I was treated for 3 whole years. Will never do the same again. And yes, do not sell your house and if you happen to marry this man, make sure this house remains only yours.

Try living together first. Do not sell your house, and try living in their house. If you DF can't afford to live with his kids without your support, I suggest rethinking it. I lived with my DH for 2 years before we got married. The marriage part didn't change a thing for us, or the relationship with SD.

I agree with others...the stories on this site are not necessarily typical, and not a guarantee what will happen to you. If you do the "trial" first, you'll have an idea of how your DF parents his boys, and that is what will help you make a more informed decision. I didn't entirely like how my DH parented his daughter, but she didn't live with us, so I really didn't have much to deal with. (thank heavens...she caused enough drama without living with us!)

I would seek pre-marital councelling . I think the sooner you talk over your issues the sooner you will know whether this is meant to be or not... And if it is meant to be, well you can come up with a plan on how to tackle problems as they arise.

RUN!

Have you seen the morality clause in the divorce agreement?? This does not sound right to me. Why is he pressuring you ? I agree with some of the posters who thinks he is looking for a babysitter, maid and cook.

I would wait to marry until the kids age out. If this is true love he would be more patient and understanding of your concerns.

This is a HUGE adjustment and change to your lifestyle. If I found this site 20 years ago I would have listened to my gut and the Sm's here know a thing or 2 about what you are contemplating.

I came to this site because there was alot of drama between my parents after their divorce and everyone I know in a step situation had dealt with ALOT of drama.
I found this site to be able to arm myself with knowledge, to try to go into everything with my eyes open and a nice dose of reality.

You have to listen to your conscience, if you are 50/50 about walking away then I'd be saying the relationship is already over.
Never, ever be pressured into marriage, and frankly needing to be married before living together this day in age is totally ridiculous, after all if it was so easy to live with people why arent the bio parents still together?

Sally is one of the members that lives apart from her SO, so it is doable.

But from what youve read I can see more reasons to not continue this relationship rather than to keep it, particularly if he wants to marry and you want to live apart, that might not be something you can both compromise on

I'm not a "live together" kind of person either. Religion has nothing to do with it. So I don't think there's anything wrong with your bf in that regard.

The crucial thing to me is can you two problem solve together? Can you each state your views respectfully without attacking or piling on resentment to the other? Can you trust that the other person genuinely has your best interests at heart? Are you both willing to make sacrifices because the other asked you to? Are you both willing to say "Ok, you tried, thanks" when the other one says "I can't do this your way anymore?"

If your boyfriend is not a perfect parent YET that is not theoretically the actual dealbreaker. He can grow and improve like we all hope to through life. Is his graph steadily going upward?

It's true this place attracts all the hard cases so no need to believe you're necessarily doomed. Things have gotten much better for me and compared to many cases here they were never that truly bad. But bad enough for me to look for help of course! We're coming up on our 3rd anniversary and we are happier than ever. I just don't post about the happiness. I let dh know about the happiness! I save my venting for here.

Just keep in mind that men with young children often want to get remarried because they want a woman to raise their children and do all the heavy lifting of parenting.

Is he an active parent? Does he stay on top of discipline? Do all the transporting to and fro? Does he try to get you to do things with "him and the kids"- which is often code for "I have no idea what to do to entertain these things, help me".

If I were you, I would get the book Stepmonster by Dr. Wednesday Martin. It's a real eye opening book on the classic family dynamics of the broken home and step families. It really allows you to see, from a scientific perspective, WHY and HOW the problems we have come to be.

Read it. Then share it with your fiance. Have him read it. Discuss it, chapter by chapter. How will the two of you, as a couple, avoid these pitfalls in YOUR blended family?

If he can't do that/doesn't want to/gets defensive.... then he is no man worth marrying.

If I had been gifted this advice, I could have saved 10 years of turmoil.

I thought I could handle his boys when we became engaged. They were about 7 and 4 but after marriage they were with us for the summer. Young son was ADHD and I knew nothing about that. Other was such a know it all but I just felt sorry for both because BM just walked out on them and went back to high school boy friend. They were married in less than 30 days after DH divorce so it was pretty obvious that she was cheating. After they returned to her for school we were finally able to settle into our new married life. I had a 14 year old daughter by former marriage that ex husb never saw or contributed to but she and DH got along really well. We had SSs at Christmas, spring break and all summer. Believe me, those holidays came around very quickly and lasted forever. We had to travel 5 hr. one way to pick them up and to take them back. She met me one time half way because I was traveling alone and finally agreed. We had to buy new clothes for them to start school or take them home 2 wks early. She was calling constantly about dental headgear and braces, and we would pay. Even when oldest SS decided to move in with us at 12 she did not pay child support but we did divide what she was getting and only sent half. I had been told by a friend that step children were terrible but I said things were going o.k. with us, little did I know. It did get bad and SS stayed in bed, got up, watched TV, and ate and that was about it for a while. Then he got in with some bad kids and started skipping school and staying out way too late especially when DH wanted my daughter in at a certain time "because she was a girl" and he was about 13 and he never knew where he was. I finally stated putting things in his head simply because I was very concerned and he just seemed to think boys could take care of themselves. Wrong, finally one night it came very near blows for the two of them when I stepped in between. Even then I was so suspicious of things he was doing and places he was. Eventually we did seem to lighten up and I felt had become friends and I looked forward to seeing him when he moved away and would come back to visit but about 6 months ago I saw a side of him that even his father had never seen and it's been downhill since.

He is now 40, married to a narcissistic woman and they have 2 children. He does not speak to me or allow me to see his children. This has happened in the last year. His wife tells lies on me and my daughter and he believes them. They have even told the story to younger brother and he told his dad he wouldn't take sides until he had heard my side but just visited SS40, called his dad and invited him to drive 2 hr one way to come see them but failed to invite me (not the first time this has occurred). You can read about this on my blog.

Think, think, think about what you are planning to do. It may work and you won't know until you do it but I thought we were o.k. too. Take care of yourself. I am new to this site too and find it very helpful in many ways but it will enlighten you to many thoughts. There are all sorts of people in the world today and they can cause much pain and some are children.

Trotting out the list. And in this case, did he do any of these items BEFORE you mentioned that they were a concern? Because if he did, he is very likely to backslide into this after he has "got you permanently." KWIM?

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.

Wow, nice list!! I saved it. thank you. I am not the topic starter, but can relate to her situations. I got 11 YES:-(

Living apart is a really good idea. No matter how wonderful your fiance/soon to be DH is, 3 boys will be exhausting. I have boys, I know. Constant, go go non stop energy and with their ages they'll be like one giant destructo ball around the house. Always needy, hungry, dirty, bratty, fighting, sometimes sweet but mostly a lot of work!

I love my boys, all 4 of them who were really close in age, but they took a lot of work and I'm just now starting to work on me in my 40's. You sound like a smart woman, put yourself first, make sure your needs are met. It would really suck to sell, move in and have it just not work.

Like many posters have said, DO NOT let yourself be pressured into marriage!!!

Best of luck with your decision.

First, I'd like to know how old you are. Possibly in your twenties? Second, did bm leave the church?

I see you live in Utah. You are notionally Mormon yourself. If he is raising his kids Mormon there is no way on earth he is going to "live together" in Utah. Nor is long term all-but-married living apart feasible, either. There will be gossip and one too many neighbors will see your car overnight and eventually he will be called in to the bishop. There will be consequences that affect his kids. This will make the kids be directly hostile to you. Doom.

In my view these are your options:

1. Go whole hog with this man and live the life.
2. You both leave Utah or you both leave the church. Extremely complicated with huge implications for everyone.
3. You break up with this man.

Option 3 is very painful, I know, but not nearly as painful as years of contention in a marriage where your world view is so radically different from his. Step life is hard enough. Being the agent of swarms of gossip around the children and being the living, breathing evidence that their father is not living what they are learning at church will make it that much worse as these kids worry about their dad's eternal life and so forth. If he wants Mormon kids and you want him, you are going to have to put a ring on it and go sit in the pew on Sundays for any chance of peace. It does not sound like this is appealing to you and to millions of people it would not be so no judgment but do be realistic about what it means to him and to his kids.

If you are in your 20s, it should be very easy to find men who do not have children yet. But if you remain LDS, it will be very difficult to find one who intends to never have children.

If you are past your 20s the chances of finding any man, LDS or not, who does not already have kids gets slimmer and slimmer and you will find yourself confronting this problem over and over again.

If bm already left the church (she was living with somebody) it is possible you can go with some version of Option 2. Skids will not be torn if both parents move their thinking away from church and they are young enough to not be too imprinted yet themselves.

I just read all your replies about being in Utah and fiance being a TBM (True Blue Mormon). That changes my entire opinion. If you're not as religious as him, you don't want kids and you don't want to live with him then why in the world are you even thinking about getting married? You obviously won't be married in the temple which automatically relegates the both of you as 2nd class citizens in mo world. You'll be expected and pressured to transform into the perfect molly mo mommy stepford wife and to quickly get pregnant. Oh fun, then you'll be "eternally" tied to him and his kiddies.

Sorry if I missed the part about how compatible the two of you are. I believe you said he'll "do anything for you," but the reality is that he'll do what he can when he's not tending kids. He's got major responsibility for a long time to come with his young boys and he's not going to be able to drop them on a dime and take care of you if you're sick or want to go out of town as a couple for the weekend.

I think you're here looking for an excuse to get out of it. Listen to your instincts, if it's not right then don't force it. You say you don't want to regret your decision either way, well my dear, life is full of tough choices and forks in the road. Good luck with your decision.

You have already made up your mind, you're here looking for validation.

Your gut is flashing neon warning signs and you should listen to it. Your trepidation over marrying this man speaks volumes. Your desire for solitude and living apart should be telling you this is not the man for you.

I understand the decision to break up is difficult, however if you do decide to break things off, do it quickly and don't linger in his life.

My take, based on your words, while I believe he feels love for you, he is definitely looking for a dyed in the wool, church-going, wife and mother for his kids. It sounds like he feels his ex is a bad example of a Mormon woman, and his desire is to find one....you.....so his kids know what to look for down the road. And I can pretty much guarantee his expectations of you will change after marriage.

I wish you all the best. Please check back in and let us know how you're doing.