How much affection is "normal" for a daddy and 18yr old daughter
I am trying to understand this. My BF has an 18yr old daughter that he still picks up every other friday to spend the weekend with him. she is very affectionate to him, they joke and play punching each other, watch movies, texting every day and calling each other papa bear and baby bear. I have explained to BF that certain displays of affection is not normal. We recently went to a BBQ at his brothers and she was following him around everywhere he went and kept sitting next to him playing footsie while she was leaning her head on his shoulder and touching his hair. Someone once told me that fathers that have that type of closeness with daughters learn to block feelings of sexual nature and this can affect the passionate affection that a partner seek in them. Most of the times that we are alone on the sofa, in the car, etc. I caress him but i get no response from him. is like his dead. any thoughts?
Run...... Run as far as you
Run......
Run as far as you can. You don't want to be any part of that dysfunctional circle because it will get weirdER...Run...run...and run
My DH doesn't even see his
My DH doesn't even see his kids as often as most as they live out of state and he stiff arms them if they try to climb into a booth next to him at a restaurant. He says 'That seat is for hungryeyes.' If I walk through the living room and DH thinks I might want to sit down, 'Skid, move down and let Hungryeyes sit next to me.' I did not ask for any of that but he respects me enough to know that I'm his partner and his equal. The kids are not. Period. Dot. He will never give them an inkling to think otherwise. I do the same with my bios. I love them as a mother, not as a partner. Certain things are reserved for DH.
If my DH ever did something
If my DH ever did something like that, I'd fall over, pinch myself, then go buy him flowers.
If I didn't live in the middle of nowhere, I'd be asking if your DH has a brother!!
Mini-wife. The reason why
Mini-wife.
The reason why your BF is not returning your acts of intimacy (like caressing) is because his daughter is already fulfiling that need. It's not incestual, but his daughter and him are emotionaly enmeshed and it is a habit which is dang near impossible to break.
What did your SO say when you
What did your SO say when you told him " that certain displays of affection is not normal " ?
he keeps saying there is
he keeps saying there is nothing wrong with it because she is just like him an affectionate person. and I believe this bc his older daughter is more cold. I did realize that day which was the 4th of July BBQ event, that he has not had the conversation with her, he just keeps pushing her away saying get off me likes its a game. I no longer go out with them due to this reason, he accuses me of not liking "his girls". So its time to say to him to have the talk or I will never go out with them again. I don't want to be getting upset for something that can very easily be fixed. Life is starting to smell short right now
Umm if he's so affectionate,
Umm if he's so affectionate, why isn't he showing affection toward you?
WHOOOOOOP!!!!WHOOOOOOP!!!!WHOOOOOOP!!!!
(red lights and sirens)
MINI WIFE EMOTIONAL INCEST ALERT!!!
RUN like the WIND!!!!!
Ye olde "you don't like my children" crap has already surfaced???!!!
REPEAT: RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!!!"
Before I met him, I was off
Before I met him, I was off dating for 15yrs. I am an attractive woman but my daughter was still living with me, whom also is a knockout of a mowan and I was very scared to bring a man to my house. She got married and moved out, so I decided to find me a man and dated so many frogs until I met him. Finally a nice guy, so I said to myself, perhaps with some work and patience we can make this happen. We've had so many fights and arguments that we are both turned off. We are now trying to fix our intimacy issues, but every time we take one step forward something happens.
"We've had so many fights and
"We've had so many fights and arguments that we are both turned off. "
Take it from me, you can NEVER fix this. I used to be "hot to trot" for Chef. Couldn't live without him or so I thought. He's been so horrible throughout steplife and after skids PASed out that I go out of my way not to be physically close to him in the house.
Save yourself NOW while it is still early!!
Get out NOW!!! If he can't
Get out NOW!!! If he can't show you affection but can to SD, it's a sick situation. Run like hell!
Just walk away from the six
Just walk away from the six situation. Life is way too short to be around this type of lifestyle
Please know that just because
Please know that just because you had bad experiences in the past dating doesn't mean that you won't find a better guy than this one. He already HAS a girlfriend. You can tell by who he is the most affectionate with! Not saying they have sex or anything but they have an emotional attachment that is not more typical of honeymooners rather than a dad and daughter.
My dad and I are super close. I have never since I moved out talked to him every day. I never played footsie with him :sick: I was probably 5 the last time I leaned my head on his shoulder. And I have never EVER fondled his hair! I also never followed him around like a puppy.
The daughter sees you as a
The daughter sees you as a threat and wants to claim her territory. Very common in divorce situations. If your BF doesn't see anything wrong with this, and is not even listening to your concerns, then let him go.
The most concerning thought
The most concerning thought is...This is THEIR normal...
It sounds like they have already established unhealthy life patterns regarding the roles they play..I would pay attention to that small voice inside of you that is questioning the appropriateness of their behaviors...
Mini-wife and absolutely
:sick: Mini-wife and absolutely enmeshed in eachother. Your only option to save your self-respect and dignity - is get out. Move out and leave them to it. At 18, she is never gonna change and neither is he. Obviously, they both see this as normal and won't listen to anyone saying otherwise. She fulfils his needs - he fulfils hers, and they need nobody else.
They both need counselling - but since they don't see anything wrong with it - this'll never happen, so you need to go if you want him to treat you as his equal.
My Cousin's daughter is now 22. Not one member of her family wants anythng to do with her - and she has a HUGE family. This after years, and years of entitlement and being spoilt rotten by her dad. He still pays her rent - she has moved so many times it makes my head spin. She does the same thing - sits on his lap, plays with his hair, caresses his arm. We feel so sorry for his wife (they also have two bio-daughters) 'cos she's obviously not his equal. We've all tried talking to him about how inappropriate their behavioru was, but he doesn't see it (or refuses to).
She actually stayed with my sis for a little while. Sis went craqzy 'cos she is filthy, filthy, filthy. Dirty used pads under the bed, room left in a mess..stinking from dirty clothes mixed in with clean..list goes on..and she also tried sitting on my bro-in-laws lap to watch TV. He pushed her off and told her to act like a goddamn lady. She got angry, rang darling daaddeee..who promptly raced over on his white horse to rescue her. Placed her with his sis..same thing..and still nothing is done about it.
Believe me - we've all tried to talk to him - and he will not listen. He babies her...tickles her..they play wrestle..she leaps on him and wraps her legs and arms around him..so we no longer have her over to ANY of our functions 'cos it's just too damned embarrassing.
Sorry but I do not see this
Sorry but I do not see this as a healthy relationship between daughter and your BF. I have a 18 year old daughter, bio daughter of husband and myself and she does not act this way towards her father. They must each be getting something from this but in some sense it seems too close, to a point I would wonder what the limits/boundaries are.
thank you all for your
thank you all for your comments. Perhaps it is time for me to move on.
I agree - they both KNOW what
I agree - they both KNOW what they are doing and possibly get a charge out of watching you get upset. It makes you wonder if the DHs who play this game get an ego trip out of it. He might think people look at him like he's an old stud who can still get the young girls. Ask DH what he would think if he saw SD with another man his age (old), playing footsie, etc., in front of everyone. Then tell him HE looks like a dirty old man to everyone else.
we had a discussion yesterday
we had a discussion yesterday about saturday's incident at the BBQ of his brother's house. When SD kept pulling a chair to sit next to him and do her "affectionate" thing and following him around. He said that he had pulled her to the side that same day right after I got upset and gave him a dirty look living the table and had a chat with her about the "hugging". I asked him what did you exactly say to her? he responded "I told her that it bothered you" while SD was asking "but whats the big deal". I told him that he needs to tell he that it is wrong what she is doing and not to say that just because it bothers me. that puts me in a bad position with her. During the entire evening he keep bouncing to her table (standing near but not close) and coming back to me.
oh, last night he went off venting to me that he gives me the point about the hugging and touching being wrong but he doesn't understand why she cant sit next to him and why didn't I sit on the other side of him. And he also firmly told me that the "papa bear" "baby bear" nicknames is something between them and that should not let that bother me because it is not going to stop. I did ask him if he liked it when the daughter keeps touching him because I don't see you touching her back but you stay there receiving it and you don't move. He said he didn't like it and that he would never touch her back. I think this time i hit a button.
He asked me to go out with both daughters and him again next week. he said that he would have a talk again with both of them now to see what happens.
I did not respond, it sounds like its going to be a rehearsed situation to mock me. I'm done with this. Tonight is the cut off day. AMEN
it might be hard, but just thinking of all the sad moments I've been experiencing it should give me the power to go forward.
Known as the old "Throwing SM
Known as the old "Throwing SM under the bus" routine. I'd tell his darling daughter that HE was the one it bothered because it embarrassed him. Put it back on his plate!
Oh wow, my husband did the
Oh wow, my husband did the very exact same thing with a situation with his son, basically blamed it on me to his son rather than taking responsibility and drawing the line with the son. This causes even more tension and I do not know why men cannot see and understand this. This 18 year old girl will now see you as trouble, you are marked and your BF did it. I feel for you, I have been down that road and it is not a pretty one!
The window for fixing this
The window for fixing this enmeshment closed years ago. They are both adults now and the dynamic is unlikely to change even should the daughter marry. May I share a cautionary tale?
My late FIL was an enmeshed dad who adored his kids. The youngest was an infant when FIL divorced, and he never remarried. FIL doted on his girls and spoiled them, allowing them to run wild even as preteens. Cue drugs, sex at a very young age, dropping out of school, eventual failed marriages, etc. Even as adults, they lived with/off FIL. I remember walking in to FIL sitting in his recliner, lovingly stroking the hair of a mid forties SIL as she sat on the floor leaning against his leg. This particular SIL was a welfare lifer and has been an addict for most of her life. She leaned on him, emotionally and financially, and he enjoyed that undiluted love too much to see the damage it caused.
When FIL died, despite having a VERY healthy income he was nearly broke, and SIL is a mess incapable of managing even the most basic day to day stuff.
Sorry to be so longwinded, but I wanted to show the long-term effect these unhealthy behaviors can have and that it's possible to love deeply, yet incorrectly. FIL never remarried or even dated, thankfully, but selfish men like your SO want to have someone to fulfill their sexual needs while daughter fulfills the emotional ones. You deserve better.
Eww! My niece does this to my
Eww! My niece does this to my brother in law all the time! She's 19 going on 4. She talks in a stupid baby voice and calls him daddy. She hangs on him and puts her feet across him and is always gotta be touching him. WTF? Makes me wanna puke. They spent 3 LONG nights at our house last weekend, preparing for a fishing trip, and she was all up in his shit the whole time. The poor guy can't be alone for 5 freaking minutes with that stupid bitch around. I am thankful that my SD never acted like that with my DH. I would have tolerated that nonsense for about 2 seconds! Brother in law is a classic guilty daddy. No wonder he doesn't have a love interest. Any woman in her right mind would avoid that like the plague. His daughter already has dibs on his attention AND his money. I hope to Christ she never has kids. She will dangle those grandchildren in front of him like a carrot. And he'll fall for it, too. She's his only kid.
Weird behavior that you
Weird behavior that you cannot change or fix. Since you are the only one bothered by the dynamic it will just continue under the radar.
I'd advise to start casually seeing other people, ones without Klingon overgrown adult children.
all this is true. the
all this is true. the insecurity was displayed that same night BF told SD that I was bothered by her behavior. When she was sitting at another table, shes kept playing with her and looking all confused. she did not talked to anyone unless she was spoken too although most guess were her family. at one point she saw her dad get up to get food and of course she got up after him. when he returned back to me with his plate of food he sad down and she came right after him but all the chairs were taken, she stud there yelling out loud "where am I going to sit" so I told her to get a chair, but she didn't. she simple stud next to her dad waiting for someone to get up. BF wouldn't dare to get her a chair although I know he would had if I was not there.
We are the same age me and BF
We are the same age me and BF (late 40's). I haven't been around them since that day. just keeping my distance with him as well. He sounds concern and says he is going to correct her. I feel that this will not stop, although she now has a boyfriend and he seems happy about it. I would love the opportunity to see all three together and see what happens then