Perhaps this isn't the right place, but I like y'all and I know that you'll give it to me straight. It really is a stepfamily situation, although it doesn't necessarily concern my kids. It's about me and my DH.

We are both 50 this year, and we've been married 13 years, together 17, and I have 2 stepkids, SD23 and SS20, whom I love very, very much. They're GREAT kids and we're close to them. SD is married herself and has SGS who is now 7 months. He is a joy.

We are no longer on the hook for child support, although DH works for the local community college so SS is getting his associates degree at no cost to him (a wonderful benefit!). He is paying for all of his college-related expenses himself. He still lives at BM's house, but is virtually independent. I have no complaints at all with my kids.

My DH, well, that's where things get hard. I have a lot of pent-up resentment from years of him being spineless and dishonest and inept. It seems we no longer share the same viewpoints or goals. I feel trapped in a house I love (a 19th century gothic revival Victorian that he actually bought with BM before they married, but is now entirely my house) with no ability to do anything.

Well, back up a minute. I'm a creative person. I'm a visual, aesthetic person. I like pretty. I have found I love home renovation, decorating, gardening, cooking. We've done a ton of it to this place. In 2009 the horrible happened and we actually lost this house to foreclosure. How we have gotten it back is a long story but we did. The reason we lost it was because DH walked off his job in 2008, made a half-assed attempt at working for himself, and I couldn't keep up the payments. We had just completed some major renovations and an addition in 2007 using a construction loan, and the minute I was ready to go back and get a regular mortage to consolidate the 2 loans, he left his job and I was unable to do so. We were stuck paying about $600/mo more than we should've. I worked 2 full-time jobs just trying to keep us afloat--like 80-90 hours weekly, and I couldn't do it in the end. I had no life for that year and a half of doing it, and I swear I hated him. He was knocking around doing a few piddly jobs setting tile and building a deck or 2 and I couldn't get 2 minutes to rub together for myself. I swear I can still feel my heart rate rise when I think about that time. He did NOT pull his weight and I was working like a dog trying to keep bills paid and lights on. In the end, I wasn't successful and we lost everything anyway. It was a waste.

He has since gone back to a real job and we have gotten back on our feet financially, but I'm still feeling the effects of that time in my marriage. I honestly don't think I will ever get over that.

He has a history of white lies and exaggerations over DUMB stuff. He drinks and tries to hide it. He is consistently late, and I have tried and tried to get it through his head that it is disrespectful but it doesn't seem to register. I have given up caring about so many things that used to be important to me. They aren't worth the fight. I can't change him so I've learned to work with what I can, me.

I'm pretty sure that I could live with a lot of these things except that now he's gotten to the point where he is hypercritical of my driving, literally sitting in the passenger seat and telling me what I should do, how close to follow, where to turn,... I've lived here 20 years. It's a small place. I'm not amused.

I'd like to do some more home renovations. I'd like to build a garage, fence the yard for the dog so it makes it easier for me to take him out, plan some serious vegetable garden. He thinks building a garage is overimproving. It is not, but that is his argument. I want a garage to improve our quality of life, get our cars off the street. We're going to be living here another 30 years probably. Yes, it's an investment issue, but it's also a quality of life issue. Like the stupid fence. I want my dog to stay home. He thinks it will alienate the neighbor. He has excuses not to do everything I want to do. I'm seeing this passive-aggressive pattern and I absolutely hate it. Hell, I can't even make a decision of what to cook for dinner, and I'm a good cook! We disagree on everything down to have to cook steaks on the grill. Good fucking grief, I have plaques on the wall in my kitchen from winning BBQ contests! But I don't do it right...

I feel like he has stolen all the creativity out of my life. I can't paint a wall, cook a dinner, plant a tomato plant without a huge discussion with him. His controlling is going to be the death of me! I don't know what to do anymore. It makes my heart hurt something fierce to know that if I divorce him that I might lose my kids, my new grandson, my home.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to decide if my life is better with him or without him. Anyway, if you've read all of this, thanks. It helps to write it all down...