No love for SSs
For those of you who have married later in life (as in...the stepkids were already adults or close to it) have you any love for your stepkids or even stepgrandkids? I feel no closeness to dh's adult sons or his DGS6. I care about them, but don't feel any kind of love for them. His sons have all done drugs, brought chaos into our lives (we've been together 5 years, married for 3). And now, after SS21 finally moved out last September (actually dh kicked him out for doing drugs again), dh and I get along SO much better...our condo is free from his filth...and I don't have to worry about this kid eating MY food I bought specifically for ME. I have 4 grown daughters who certainly weren't neat freaks, but what I've found while having to live with SS21 was that I have little patience or tolerance for him...and the fact he ruined his life with drugs just makes me not even want to be around him. I think dh understands this, but still thinks he has an "obligation" to his son. UGH
So, dh and I have really enjoyed being empty nesters, but last night he tells me that he's told SS21 that, if he decides to take a training program at our local community college this Fall that he can move back home. (Currently he's living in a halfway house paid for by WE the taxpayers and gets food stamps. He finished rehab after 30 days and then went to live there.) I hate it when he lives with us. I raised 4 DDs and am simply not all that comfortable around boys and since I didn't raise him (he was 16 when dh and I met), I have no relationship with him nor do I care. I suppose this makes me sound heartless, but we live in a beautiful condo and other than the first floor, we only have the basement. When my daughters come to visit, there's no extra place to go when he lives with us and I hate it. I keep telling dh that our basement needs to be open to ALL our adult children and not just HIS youngest. Plus, I haven't really spoken to SS21 since he left as I just have too many bad memories of this kid who hasn't worked in 3 years, totaled his car while he was high and lost his license, etc...He's NOTHING like my children and I simply am uncomfortable with him living in our house. I believe I've made myself pretty clear to dh how I feel, but his "obligation" to his son overrides MY feelings...always has. 
The kid is NOT smart, so I doubt highly he'd even make it through any kind of program. I personally think the military is the best place for him. Plus, I have really come to LOVE having our privacy and hate the thought of not having it anymore. Plus, dh and I don't fight near as much as when his son lived with us which I've really enjoyed. Unfortunately, dh's ex lives in another state and is mentally ill, so sending his son to live with his mother isn't an option. Dh has been SS21's only parent since he was 4. If we were rich, I'd tell dh to just pay rent for an apartment for his son, but we're not, so I'm sure I'm gonna lose again. I DID tell dh that I absolutely would NOT tolerate the situation I was in last year (son with no car, no job and dh just enabling him). Dh has said that will not happen, but I was SO unhappy last year and I feel that unhappiness coming back already.
Thanks for listening.
The military won't take him
The military won't take him if there is a record of drug use. Arrests etc. Nor do they take idiots who can't pass the "entrance" exam they give.
Listen this is your home also. Tell your husband "absolutely not". Tell husband you don't mind any child visiting for a weekend or whatever is normal for your girls but NO long term stays.
Tell him that if the boy moves in you're moving out for the duration. Then do it if necessary to make the point. Tell him you're not leaving as in a divorce but simply refuse to watch him enable his son again and again. Tell him that he (husband) is the boys worst enemy.
Yes, this. Moving back home
Yes, this. Moving back home with daddy is the worst possible alternative. SS needs to learn how to cope with life and take care of himself as a functioning adult.
SS needs to get a job and figure out how to pay for his training program on his own. Rehab counselors can and will help with that. The last thing SS needs is to relive all those old patterns that might have contributed to his drug use to begin with. (Not saying your DH did contribute to it, but in my own SS's case, my DH coddled SS to the point where SS couldn't function without his dad's approval and/or intervention. DH was for sure part of the problem.)
Nobody gets to TELL you who gets to live in your house. And it is your house as well as DH's. If his SS's living arrangements are more important than your living arrangements, well, then I'd have to find someplace else to live, at least while SS was there. I couldn't stand it.
I totally agree with all of
I totally agree with all of you, but, in the end, I doubt it'll matter. Dh will do whatever he feels is right and to heck with MY feelings. I do know though that if SS21 turned back to drugs, dh would kick him out AGAIN. Dh does NOT tolerate that AT ALL. It was the enabling last year that I truly couldn't stand along with SS21's mere presence in our home. Dh always brings MY kids into it our arguments and I LOUDLY remind him that he's never HAD to live with my kids. SS21 being a drug addict is but ONE reason I don't want him back. I have MANY and dh knows what they are. The biggest is our PRIVACY which I can't imagine dh wanting to give up. We've only been married 3 years and very much enjoy being alone in our home (if you know what I mean). As I mentioned earlier, he's raised this son alone since he was 4, so I think still sees him as a child instead of the young man he is. Personally, he acts like a 14 year old which my counselor said isn't unusual for someone using drugs as it stunts their maturity. As for dh going to counseling for ANY reason...forget it. He doesn't believe in it. Plus, he has over 20 years of experience with kids and drug use as all THREE of his sons are drug addicts, however, SS30 has been clean for almost 2 years and is doing well (in another state, thank GOD)and SS21 now for 8 months (woohoo). It was SS21's decision to move into the halfway house after rehab (much to my joy), so I'm hoping whoever runs that place convinces him to remain on his own and NOT to come back and live with us. I agree...he would slide backwards and I'd be back on the "drug merry-go-round" again which I told dh during a fight that I wanted OFF and had had ENOUGH. SS21 recently got a job as a waiter which is good, but our bus system stops at 6:00 and he can't always find a ride home, so dh has gone and given him a ride a few times (an hour round-trip!). I think everything this kid is going through is simply due to his own poor choices and he needs to just take his lumps. But, of course, I have to stay silent since it's not my child. And thank GOD he's not. He's not ANY kind of son I ever would have wanted.
March yourself and DH to
March yourself and DH to alanon. Go regardless of if ss comes home or not. DH most likly wont want to go so go with him or go without him. It will be great for both of you and you need to go every week for a long time. Find a meeting with mostly parents involved if you can. It will be eye opening and life changing - I guarantee it.
Good Luck
dadsnewwife- I learned the
dadsnewwife- I learned the hard way, through first hand experience that allowing any adult child to move back home does not fix their irresponsible life choices. It does enable them to continue making poor choices on someone else's dime.
When this adult moves in, it does not mean he will not continue or pick back up his drinking or drug habits. The half way house is in better position to make the rules, set consequences and show him the door if he does not abide by the rules. The staff is there to see past every sob story and trick. Let them be the bad guy when he needs a swift kick. That is their job. If it is required to have employment, they dole out the consequences. They have more power then you or DH will ever have when it comes to dealing with a young man that has a problem past.
He receives government assistance now because his situation is living outside of your home. Once in your home that could end the assistance. You and DH become the 'bad guys' when he does not follow your rules. Sounds like he needs to stay where he is at and just learn to follow rules like all of us other people that want to keep our jobs and live independently.
I agree that the halfway
I agree that the halfway house is the best place for him. All of dh's sons have done drugs but SS32 is mentally ill and lives in an apartment thanks to disability. He will never recover. SS30 suffered PTSD, did drugs for 6 years, but is now doing well thanks to the VA. SS21, I agree, should stay where he is as dh is exhausted and even said he doesn't want to "police" his last son. At 51, he's beyond exhausted by all this as his oldest started drinking/getting into trouble at age 12. So, 20 years and he's just done yet still feels "obligated" to help his son and not give up on him. THEN, he tells me how he WISHES his kids were like mine, but what would I do if it was one of mine? THAT is why I have such a hard time with this...I honestly can't say I wouldn't do the same? Luckily, I'll never know because my kids are NORMAL. SS21 starting a job waiting tables 3 weeks ago and dh doesn't think THAT will last. His son just is NOT smart and has no ambition. He fears this son doesn't have what it takes mentally to succeed at anything. Dh let him spend Saturday night with us as dh's DGS6 was at our house and I heard the 2 of them in our basement watching tv and playing and I thought...SS21 IS nothing more than a big kid...nowhere close to being an adult. Anyway, dh and I were talking yesterday after dh took them both home and I told him I NEVER wanted ANYONE living with us again because I enjoy our lives so much more when it's just the 2 of us. He didn't say anything, but I'm sure he knew what I was getting at.
I did tell him last summer that I dreamed of moving out until he had SS21 on his feet and out the door, but he said if I ever did that, then we'd be divorced. He'd see it as a betrayal to HIM. Whatev. Put back in that situation, I wouldn't care. I'd leave and be divorced again. So what.
I read this board often and I can say at least that none of dh's sons have ever disrespected me as many out there do. They are kind, respectful young men, but with MAJOR addiction problems. Sometimes I wish dh had had at least ONE girl as I feel I relate to girls better having 4 of my own, but, then I read about SDs who act like "mini wives" and maybe need to count my blessings that dh doesn't.
As for Al-anon, I have looked into it, but I have a hard time forcing myself out of my house after working all day. I believe things are getting better, but when I look back at all I've endured with dh over the last 5 years, would I do it again? No.