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Do I have a right to be upset?

My4kidsmom's picture

I'm feeling very left out and ignored.
I'm trying to figure out if I'm being ridiculous or if I have a right to be upset.
SD18 is staying with us for spring break. She has tried to destroy our marriage for the past 3 years. I moved out twice because of her. She has only been in our home one other time since she turned 18 last may. I would prefer never seeing her again but I have recently started allowing her in my home again for short visits for DH and SS sake.
Anyway she is going back to college Sunday and DH took her out today to spend some time with her. They apparently went for coffee and for a walk on the waterfront.
I had tried to call and text DH after a couple hours and he didn't answer either time.
He said he didn't hear it. Ok whatever.
So about nine tonight SD asks him what time they are leaving. He looks at me and says "oh, we are going bowling at 10" I guess him and his kids had made these plans and didn't include me. Then last minute in an offhand way he says "do you want to go?"

This is the way it always goes when she is here. Him and his family vs. me
I just said no I don't want to go.
Then he came into the bedroom and we had words about it. I feel like we should be making plans and inviting them. Not the other way around.
I might not even mind as much if I ever got a date or any plans made for me but I'm seriously ready to just walk away. I hate his daughter being here and I really hate the way he acts around her.

Also his birthday was a few days ago and last night I saw that she had put the card she got him on the front if the refrigerator like she wanted hers to be singled out. Like a 5 year old displaying her artwork. "Look at me, look at me" I just took it down and put it on his nightstand.
This isn't her house, she doesn't live here but it's like a pissing contest where she marks her territory. Not gonna happen anymore.
Advice? Perspective?

onthefence2's picture

OMG the SAME thing happened with my ex bf. When he didn't have his kids, it was he and I making decisions, making plans, etc. The second they were with him, THEY were making all the calls. And literally the SAME exact thing happened..."Do you want to go?" like I was an afterthought. The solution at the time was not to spend time together when he had his kids. His daughters drove me nuts anyway, so no biggie. I was fine with the break because I saw him all the other days of the week. But ironically, HE was the one that insisted we all spend time together, but then treated me like that? NO. So I understand your feelings; they are totally justified.

My4kidsmom's picture

She leaves Sunday. I'm just depressed right now because I really think it's too late for our marriage. I think she did a thorough job on us and I don't even think I love him anymore. Watching him stand back and let her destroy me for three years just killed something in me. Plus he's an alcoholic who lies to me about his drinking all the time. I hate her and I'm pretty close to hating him. All I would need to do is give myself permission and it would be easy to do.

sbm014's picture

I totally agree with this. I have dealt with several addicts/enablers in my family inculding my father. imaSmom is correct many addicts have issues admitting their faults. I took my dad pictures I found that had print dates on them to confront him cheating on my mom and their was locked lips included and he denied it.

I think yes your SD has assisted in ruining your marriage but your DH has let it happen he is one of the main issues in this situation.

My4kidsmom's picture

Yes. Even though he verbalizes that he understands that his drinking and lack of parenting has brought all this on, I don't think he really believes it or he would change it. I'm so tired of it!

Orange County Ca's picture

You hate the kid yet want to go bowling with her? The thing to do is assume that when she is over he will not be doing anything not already on the calendar before her visit was announced.

It's not worth starting a war over.

My4kidsmom's picture

Orange,
I don't want to go bowling with her! That's not the issue. I might have wanted to go bowling with HIM and been fine with inviting her along however. There's a big difference in those two scenarios over which relationship is the primary and which one is secondary.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

My question is why did you start allowing an SD18 back in your home who has launched a nearly successful break up campaign against you and your DH? I dont understand how it can be for DH and SS's sake? I think that was a huge mistake. It's just like we enablers to commit these "selfless" acts for a selfish DH and then when it blows up in our face we sit back and cry. I know because I did and when I am WEAK, still do, the same crap. Your DH is a big jerk.

SD sounds like a mini wife who kisses daddy's ass and says all the right things he wants to hear. With her, his ego gets puffed up and he has no , zero, accountability. Of course he wants you to stay home because you are an adult and right now he wants to be one of the kids, not the man he is supposed to be.

Take her freaking card off his nightstand. It goes in the trash. He won't notice it is missing, but seeing it every day will just give the peckerhead a boost and he will associate it with your enemy, and she is your enemy since she is trying to break up your marriage.

No more overnight visits! From now on, you meet her somewhere for bowing, dinner, whatever, and you GO and YOU be the life of the party!

My4kidsmom's picture

You're right bradybunch! Even though no matter what I do, I'm the bitch, I keep trying to prove to all of them that I'm not the bitch.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

^^^"he joins in on the fun campaign….. You have to know that Sd was sitting there just gloating…" punkin_punkin You are so right and that just makes me feel like crying right now for some reason.

My4kidsmom's picture

Yeah, the breakdown is always them on one side, me on the other when she is here and I know she's gloating. She kept talking about what an "awesome time" her and daddy had on their afternoon coffee and walk. STFU!
Oh, and she signed his birthday card "your little girl"

Amber Miller's picture

"Your little girl"--disgusting!
I had a t-shirt when I was 4 years old that said " daddy's little girl" on the front and on the back it said "that's me" but I was only 4 years old for crying out loud! It was cute.
This "little girl" business absolutely makes me cringe. Referring to herself as a little girl makes me feel like she is presenting herself to daddy as an innocent, sweet little child who needs her big daddy to take care of her like she's a baby. This is part of the manipulation. She should be growing into a young lady but if she did that then she would be presenting herself to her father as an individual who is maturing and who is able to fend for herself. In order to keep daddy in line and doing what she wants she has to remain a little girl in his eyes.
My dad calls me his "big girl". That's because I am a mature woman who is independent and not in need of my "daddy" to protect me and take care of me. If I called myself daddy's little girl to my father he would probably ask me what the hell is wrong with me (and yes my dad loves me but I think he is proud of me for being a mature and independent woman, not a little twit who is dependent on him).
I would do your best to ignore this adult brat. If she really loved her father she wouldn't be trying to break up his marriage to you. My idiot SD at 30 years old told her dad that she will never speak to him again until he divorces me. He let her go. Finally he sees her for what she is; a nasty, manipulative, narcissistic piece of trash. It took many years for DH to realize this it he eventually did. Hopefully your DH will open his eyes the way my DH did and then you will be validated the way I was. Good luck to you. I know it's hard. Hang in there.
Amber

My4kidsmom's picture

Sigh.....I know. Doing it is hard. I have MS and my health goes up and down. Even though I'm still attractive and have a good enough retirement to make it on my own, I'm 44 and the thought of starting over is overwhelming to me right now.

Amber Miller's picture

Geez, I am so sorry that you are sick. I have a rare auto-immune disease that effects the muscles. I have often wondered if patients who have MS experience similar difficulties as I do. Well, I just wanted to say hi and as you know, stress is not good for your disease so I real feel for you. I hope daddy's little girl gets the hell out of your house and never comes back. When my SD removed herself from our lives a year ago my DH and I stopped fighting. Getting rid of that bitch has done wonders for my marriage. She wants nothing to do with us. I say "good riddance". I hope you will eventually be rid of her.

moeilijk's picture

Well, instead of starting over, think of it as starting fresh. It's all a matter of where you invest your mental and emotional energy.

In my head, I imagine the time I made a cake for guests. It was bad. Like, can't even swallow the first bite out of politeness bad. So, do I focus on THAT cake when I make another cake? Or do I focus on the delicious, towering delight of sweet heaven that I'm making this time?

Make it easy for yourself. You deserve an easy, happy life. I can't imagine how difficult it will be - but I can imagine how happy you will be making the changes to get the life you want.

simifan's picture

If I was invited in such an offhanded manner, I would have just gotten up & walked out. When to the mall, a book store, a bar, a friends.