More info as you requested. First, thanks everyone for the input. StepAside, I must have misinterpreted your advice from a while ago. I know your husband visits his daughters without you and you suggested adopting the attitude of "Whatever, have a nice time, don't tell me about it." I do think going with the BM is a whole different dynamic and thank everyone for bringing me back to reality.

I asked him this morning what the plans are. The first thing he said was "I AM going and I want to go and feel good about it; not guilty" or something to that effect. If I wasn't worn out from being really sick the past week I would have lost it right there. I told him I didn't expect him not to go, but I am disappointed that I have zero relationship with grandskid and I can't participate in her life. How does he think I feel - excluded, staying at home? He acknowledged that, but said he just didn't want us to argue, just let it happen and get on with our life. How nice for him -- he wants to go on the trip and be able to enjoy it without any pesky pangs of guilt.

I already saw he had a five night hotel reservation under the group discount when I made him a hotel reservation for a business trip next month. SD, BM, grandskid and horse instructor will ride together with SD pulling the horse trailer. DH will follow in his truck. I asked where SD husband was going to be and DH said he guessed he would ride with him. This is going to be a 12 hour drive.

I asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and I was going? He said what he always does "Divorce was over 30 years ago, no feelings for BM, etc." He then said, "What else could I do?" I told him I didn't expect him not to go, but he could drive separately, at a different time and stay at a different hotel and not share meals with them. He said "What message would that send to my granddaughter?" I said "What message does it send to her that her mother can disrespect us and then you go on a trip with BM and leave your wife at home -- that tells her it is OK to mistreat people." He said he will go to a business meeting in a nearby town on day two of the trip "if he can work it out."

He said he doesn't want this to come between us (as if it hasn't loomed over us for the past year). I told him we have a very good relationship outside of this drama brought on by SD. I told him this is all her fault and he didn't disagree. He said "she is getting better-less emotional-I think she is going to counseling or something." Although recently when he asked her if she would have a meeting with us she told him she 'wasn't ready'. Good - I didn't want to either, but let her say it first.

There is another twist in the family situation and he may get credit for standing up for me, but I don't know exactly yet. That is one reason why I wasn't pounding on him too hard about going on the trip. Stick with me here - DH dad has been clearing out his house the past couple of years getting ready to downsize. DH sister who lives near him, has been helping. While visiting two years ago FIL showed me many things set aside and asked if I wanted anything before they were sold or donated. I told him I thought things should go to his children and grandchildren, but he said they had all looked it over and taken anything they wanted and this is what was left. So, I took a small punchbowl and told him I would use it for my church group (and shared a picture when I did.) Also took a set of gold rimmed wine glasses for my DD. FIL told me a charming story about the people who gave the glasses to him and MIL. Within a month or so of delivering the glasses to DD, DH and I were at SD's and I saw one of the glasses in her kitchen cabinet. I asked her if she wanted her grandmother's glasses as FIL said they were up for grabs and DD now had them. (SD has never liked my DD-her husband propositioned DD, etc. DD was 19 and SD 26 when we married.) SD said no, she didn't want the whole set, she just wanted one glass to remember grandmother by (she hadn't died yet). DH was there and remembers this conversation. So now, two years later, DH sister calls with much drama and says FIL has promised glasses to SD's daughter - where are the glasses? We explain SD already knew and didn't want them. SIL has a fit (DH has her on speakerphone) and says "SD is coming this weekend to get the glasses, etc. etc." When DH tells her she is making a problem where there was none, she says "But DH, SHE'S YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER" clearly meaning grandskid outranks DD. DH and I had a long conversation about DD getting the short end of the stick because she doesn't share the DNA. I asked him not do anything until I got back from my trip. I asked him the other night the status and he said he hasn't talked to SIL and walked out of the room. So he may get a point or two for sticking up for DD and I, but I'm not sure. Probably just sticking his head in the sand. I'm just taking one thing at a time.

Wow, this got long. Thanks for your patience. I think I will tell him I will be looking for a marriage counselor while he is gone next week. Either that or go out of town and tell him I'm on vacation with my ex. Problem is, he knows I wouldn't do it.

Thanks everyone. I spent the afternoon away from home today so I could think things over. I did tell him how I felt this morning. SD would like nothing better than to split us up. I am not willing to do that since we otherwise have a good marriage (14 years) and not only did I relocate to a different part of the country so he could move back "home", but my DD and her husband relocated here eight years later. He wants to go on this trip and he wants to go with a clear conscience. Well, I can't stop him from going, but I did offer an alternative (don't drive together, different hotel, etc.) If he insists on keeping the plans as is, he is not going with a clear conscience. He already knows I am upset and I will reinforce that more strongly before he goes. As far as marriage counseling is concerned, just the thought of having to come back and go through that would be enough to ruin his trip. I don't especially want to do it since I went through that with my ex for years and it was painful, expensive, and not productive. However, DH needs to hear from someone else and hopefully he will hear that I am not being unreasonable. I just hate this though. Otherwise he is a good husband. When I left on my recent trip he slipped some funny cards and a good amount of spending money in my suitcase and has taken care of the cooking, etc. when I came home so sick. We would have been better off if we had not moved near SD, but hindsight is 20/20.

StepAside-good point about the "new norm". You are right. By swallowing things a little at a time a situation eventually develops that you just can't tolerate any more. I generally just try to be easy going and I expect when I speak up about a problem that my husband should take notice because I'm usually not hard to get along with. In other words, I save it for the big stuff. What has happened though is that he is so used to my laid back demeanor that he doesn't take me seriously when I do complain. One time my DD was at our house (I wouldn't usually argue in front of her) and she actually told DH "Mom is really serious" because she could see he just was oblivious.

As far as suggestion of some to divorce DH over this trip - I was divorced after 25 years of marriage and had problems much worse than this. Our life now is good aside from the SD drama.

I wouldn't tell DH not to go at all. Its his grandkid and she has earned her way to a national competition. The problem is BM goes to all the events, so I understand there is going to be some shared time. I have sucked it up and gone to some one day events before SD flew into a rage and threatened me last year. By the way, SD has banned BM's husband from her home and all events so BM always goes alone. She even sleeps over at SD's on Christmas Eve while her husband is home alone. Also, grandkid had a big event in the Spring out of state that DH planned to go to. A few days before the event SD texted him and told him he couldn't come because his presence would create "stress" for grandkid and might affect her competition. He was crushed. So now he is so happy that SD is "allowing" him to go. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow she will disinvite him again. He thinks by going on vacation with SD it will help to repair their relationship. The relationship that SD trashed.

Someone in another post said her DH had a wishbone where his backbone used to be. That is exactly how I feel.

Its been two days since I told DH I was not OK with this "family vacation" and suggested a compromise of going for fewer days, separate hotel, etc. I asked him today if his plans have changed and he said no. He started in again that he wanted to go and not feel guilty and no one cares how he feels, etc. Many more things were said but I told him he obviously doesn't understand or care to understand how this makes me feel so I am making an appointment with a marriage counselor for when he gets back. He did look surprised, but said "Do what you have to do." I know he hated going to marriage counseling with his ex (so did I, for that matter).

I found out that he is hauling their small trailer while they take the horse trailer. That explains why he was so reluctant to fly or go at another time. So, I told him SD disinvited him from the last event, but I guess she decided it is OK for him to go this time because he can be useful to them? Basically told him she is using you. I told him I have been erased from the grandparent roster. When he started to say I could go if I wanted to, I told him if he told SD that he was not coming without his wife she would tell him he couldn't come and he knows it. He didn't say anything.

Toward the end of the heated argument he told me he couldn't understand why I am jealous of his ex and he will call me every hour, etc. Ridiculous. Tried to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me, etc. He just "wants the family to get back together again." Even asked me if I had noticed that we hadn't taken our boat out all summer or really done anything fun because it just wasn't the same without family. He said everything we've done has only been with my DD and her husband (not family, obviously). So I thought we weren't doing things because he was busy with work and then recovering from surgery, but he tells me now that he and I didn't have any fun this summer because he can't have fun without SD? What I hate most is that this has made me such an angry person. I liked the old me better. I liked the old DH better, too.

StepAside - He went to Disneyworld with BM when you were nine months pregnant? That is lower than low.

DH left this morning. Thanks for the advice, StepAside, but I really didn't have enough notice of the arrangements to plan an alternative. I know if DH asked SD if I could go she would say no, and if I just showed up it would be really stressful for the grandskid. SD has brainwashed her, but it is not the kid's fault and she should not be subjected to the adult drama on her important weekend. Remember, SD says I am the B---- because I would not let them keep their horses in our yard so grandskid could practice. (They also had a 15 acre farm where the horses lived and have since moved away from our property.) I guess she was able to practice well enough elsewhere to make a national competition...

DH left me a card - I haven't opened it. I am calling today for an appointment with a marriage counselor. I will book the first one that can see us the day after DH gets back. I will text him the appointment time and let him think about that while he is gone.

Thought of going out of state to my mom's while he is gone, but (married) DD surprised me when I got back with news that she is pregnant and unfortunately she is facing some serious problems so I will stay home to support her.

It just got worse. He called last night to tell me he got there. I wasn't going to answer, but figured he would keep on calling, so I thought I would just cut the call short if he started telling me anything about "them", plans, etc. He just called to tell me he was in the room and I said OK, I'm going to bed now. I figured today I would send a text telling him when the appointment is the day after he gets back.

So if you read the part above about how my daughter received a set of his mother's glasses two years ago you will understand this: When DH was taking me to the airport a couple of weeks ago I asked him not to do anything about the glasses "situation" until I got back. His sister set up a ridiculous situation and my DD had nothing to do with it and was unaware of any problem. A few days ago I asked him if he had talked to his sister while I was on vacation and he said "no". Well, LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE! I went over to my DD's today and the cabinet was empty! He not only went over there and got them while I was gone, he asked my DD to go to SD's with him so she could get "credit" for handing them over! My DD said she told him she didn't want credit. She also told him she was going to tell him some things he probably did not want to hear, and that this situation DH's sister and SD set up is not about the glasses. (StepAside would say its RA) DD said SD doesn't have any sentimental feelings for family stuff, that she put the paintings done by her grandmother in their garden shed and has left g'ma's china cabinet in our basement for years. DD also said grandskid is 15, how about she (DD) hold on to the glasses till grandskid gets married then she will pass them on? (That is exactly what I was going to suggest if worse came to worse.) She also said based on SD's unappreciative attitude and grandskid's age, the glasses are going to sit in a box somewhere. DH told DD he was getting pressured by his sister. Anyway, DD handed them over. She never told me what happened.

I was livid, actually shaking, when I saw they were gone. He not only lied to me about not talking to his sister, how did he think he was going to cover up the fact that the glasses were gone? I immediately texted him, cursing him out (which is unlike me, until lately) telling him he promised me not to do anything till I got back. I spent a nice day out with DD and did not read his text until I got home tonight. His reply? Said he did not promise me that he wouldn't do anything while I was gone and that DD "stepped up" and that DD said if that was what stepgrandpa wanted, it was OK with her. Of course I found out the truth from DD earlier in the day and that is not what happened at all. This just reopens the old wound for me when DH did not stand up for DD when SD's husband propositioned her when she was younger. (DH didn't want to come down too hard on SIL because he thought SD would move off our property. I should have left him then.) DD has been much more forgiving of DH than I have been. DH is an improvement over her bio dad; that will tell you something.

It seems every day there is a new lie. I can't believe what has happened to the great guy I married. If it was not for DD and her problem pregnancy, I would go spend a few months with my mother. DD loves DH and I don't want to cause major upheaval now. For that matter, why should I leave town?

I will text him tomorrow and tell him what time the counseling appointment is next week and tell him I will meet him there and he can plan to spend the night at SD's, because he isn't welcome here until we come to some understanding. This lying and putting everyone else above our marriage has got to stop. Hope it ruins his trip.

Thanks for the positive suggestions, Lost. I do plan to move on with some fun activities after I deliver the news to him tomorrow.

By the way, we didn't get our land back. SD sold their house (she wouldn't sell it to my DD) so it is an island unto itself with our land surrounding it. We still have a property line problem. New neighbors are pleasant enough, but do not mow grass. Their yard looks messy, but there is no more horse poop and flies at our house so I guess I am pleased about that.

Waterford sale at Macy's - that's pretty funny, SA. DD actually wanted Waterford when she got married. She received nice china (the name of the pattern is a tribute to DH, go figure) but no crystal to go with it. To clarify, the MIL glasses are at SD's now, not DH's sister's. DH sister didn't realize her father had given my DD the glasses two years ago and now she convinced him that he had promised them to grandskid. SIL didn't know DH and I had the conversation with SD very shortly after delivering the glasses to DD when SD told us she didn't want them. DD has had them for two years with no discussion from anyone in the family. I never had a problem with SIL before, but she and SD are very close, so you can see what happened here.

Everyone thinks my DH is great. You're right - people would think I was absolutely nuts if I left him over a set of glasses. You SMs know that is not really the issue; you have seen the deterioration of trust over the last year. Hopefully I can find a good counselor who can help. Truthfully I hope I can find a woman who will help me rip him a new one. Circumstances are turning me into a B. I used to be nice.

Notasm makes a good point about DH's mental state. DH is 65, but really active. His mother was diagnosed with dementia at about age 76 which later progressed to Alzheimer's. Right now I just think he is acting like he has a "real" family, ie "blood" and then me and DD by marriage. I don't know what status he gives us lately.

Re DD's pregnancy - she has had many health problems and surgeries. Had an emergency surgery seven years ago and thought she might lose her ovaries, but wonderful doctor (the one who delivered her when she was born!) saved her 'parts'. She found out she was pregnant last month when I was out of the country on vacation, but was excited so she and her husband told DH the good news. When I got home I was extremely sick so she didn't come over for a week. She finally sent me a text and told me she was pregnant but they can't find a heartbeat and her bloodwork is not where it should be. She told me she just needed to be alone for a while, but we had a nice day out yesterday. She has another appointment next week. Her clothes are getting tight. We walked past the maternity store and just looked at each other and kept walking. So sad. We went to another store and got a few things in larger sizes. Hoping for better news next week, but I'm sure there will be extra worry even if she is able to carry to term. Thanks for listening. DD is not announcing her pregnancy so I am not able to talk to friends about it.

This gets worse by the hour. Just got a text from DD. Apparently DH contacted her. Not sure if he shared the contents of my brief, but scathing text to him sent yesterday, but DD tells me I am coming across as angry and vengeful and I should compromise. I told her thanks, but if DH contacts her again to tell him she does not want to be involved. I was not going to have any contact with him while he is gone, but fired one off and told him to stop lying and trying to cover things up and most of all stop contacting DD especially when she has problems of her own. Have only gotten one call back from numerous calls I've placed to counselors and she is booked up.

He's back and I have a question for you. He came back from the trip and didn't say anything other than he would have been back sooner but they got stuck in traffic. I didn't ask and he didn't say any more. He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner the next night, but I was evasive. Next day asked about going to the movies. Also has been asking about our annual anniversary trip. I finally told him that I did find a counselor and the only time she had open was several hours before he got home. I met her and talked non stop the whole session, so she has all the background. (I didn't tell him that; just that I met with her.) He just looked at me and put our next appointment on his calendar but didn't add any more dates when I told him I expected there would be follow up sessions once a week.

So, my question. We have an annual event coming up this weekend that we always attend with old friends. I really don't want to go through the motions of pretending to enjoy the whole weekend with him, although the men spend some time separate from the wives. He wants to come home from this trip with SD and just "get on with our lives". Well, of course he does. He did what he wanted and now he doesn't want to face any consequences. I am conflicted as to whether I should go and pretend to have a good time so I can at least think that SD hasn't ruined everything in our life, or whether I should tell him to go alone because I really don't want to spend time with him until we go to the counselor next week and try to work some things out.

We talked briefly tonight and I told him our marriage was fine until SD blew things up a year ago. He seemed to disagree and pointed out our personality differences and even said he thought I would change after we got married, but I didn't. Whoa! Never heard that before. I think all the anger that should be directed at SD is now being directed at me. So, even though I want to stay home this weekend and make the point that I am still really disappointed and angry at him taking the trip and taking the glasses back from DD, on the other hand I'm considering that maybe I will just come out looking like the B that SD makes me out to be. Maybe I should go and have a good time with the group of friends and remind him that we can enjoy each other's company. We would get back Sunday and counselor appointment is Monday.

What do you think? Should I go or stay home?

I went on the trip. Everything went fine. DH drove separately with his friend a day early because they had an event to attend; I rode with the wife. They are lovely people. I enjoy her company. I finally e mailed the counselor for advice and she said I should go and enjoy being with friends, that the rest would still be here when we got back and we would work on it in therapy.

As I mentioned before, I met with the counselor last week and gave her the background about SD. She remained professional, but I did get signals (facial expressions, etc.) that she thought the trip with SD and BM was odd.

Went to the counselor today with DH. He did not remember that I told him I met with her last week. (???) At one point he said that his daughter was the only thing he had contributed in life. I interceded there and told her about his outstanding career and reputation with his peers, while acknowledging that we all think our children are our best accomplishment in life.

I asked what he meant the other day when he said he thought I would change after we got married. Sorry I asked as that took up a lot of time. Basically he is athletic and he thought I would learn to go diving, etc. with him. Made me sound like a dud; said he is participant (with a capital P). I said I am a participant, too, I just participate in different things. That really isn't the issue here, or at least not the main one as far as I'm concerned.

I don't think he is budging on his stance that he wants a relationship (at any cost) with his daughter and I need to get over it. I was getting discouraged at the counselor's lack of input, but she told us at the end of the session that she has had a stepdaughter for many years and is often surprised at what her DH does for the SD. She also mentioned that the BM used to call their home and she told her DH to have the BM call him at work. So, if she was not even willing to take BM calls, I have a feeling she would not have been OK with her DH going on vacation with BM.

We had to go straight from the counseling session to a birthday dinner, so we did not have any conversation after. I am discouraged though. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong going on the trip or taking the glasses from my DD. Hope the counselor can talk some sense into him.

Thanks to everyone for the continuing comments. It really helps.