Adult Stepson Issues Any insight??
My 23 year old adult stepson flunked out of school 2 years ago moved back home with us a year ago and is still unemployed and not doing anything about his future without being directed and supervised to do so by his mother. He has made no genuine attempt at employment... My wife, in my opinion is in denial as to this mans true character. She blindly believes any BS he tells her and he refuses to work in any job he believes beneath him. She pays all of his bills!! He carries credit cards provided by her and she pays the balance and she is also paying his student loans for the wasted years at college. Since flunking out of school he has been on a cruise a trip to Europe and two all expenses paid spring break trips with his friends who all have jobs and degrees!! Now that he is home he is the center of her attention, we dont matter as a couple there is little "couple time" since he rarely leaves the house and she is uncomfortable showing affection in front of him.
There is more depressing information that I will leave out.
Bottom line is I am at a loss and have become very angry and resentful with the whole situation. His mother and I argue all the time mostly about him and she refuses to include me in any discussion regarding him because I have a very short fuse.
The son and I have no issues we steer clear of each other he rarely looks me in the eye but my marriage is almost over because of this and it is killing me.
I have tried to disengage but it has not worked. He is always there.... His room smells like a locker room and his mother still does his laundry.
I want this man to succeed in life and I am now the bad guy in the situation because I have let my emotions boil over.
I know exactly how you feel!
I know exactly how you feel! SD now 25 has lived with us going on 3 yrs now. Unlike your wife, my SO does not cater to her quite as much but enough to be annoying. Sherks part time which is VERY part time and we have not had a weekend alone since she moved back in. In your situation, I would mention how you feel and how this situation is affecting your marriage. Young people are not being helped if they are constantly enabled. A time frame of expectations need to be drawn up like a mini contract. I did this with my own son and now has a lovely family of his own. Good luck
The only way to fix this that
The only way to fix this that I am aware of is for you and his mom to be on the same page. My SS tried this when he finished high school. He did not apply to any universities or colleges. We would have gladly paid for any school he wanted to got to but our requirement was that he apply, get accepted and facilitate the process of starting school. We refused to do it for him. He was familiar with the process from his boarding school experiences so we did not leave him high and dry with no support.
When he refused to make application we required that he get a job. He did not like that idea either and did not do anything about employment. At that point his mom and I decided that we would not kick him out but as an adult he had to contribute so we made him our beck and call boy.
He had a chore list a mile long that he had to get done each week. He tested us a couple of times by not doing his chores so we finally implemented the rule that if he did not do his chores he did not stay in the house during working hours. It shocked him when we rousted him from bed and out the door in his flop togs when left for work one morning. We had re-keyed the locks and we did not give him a key. He sat on the porch all day that day until we got home and let him back in. He never failed to get his JOB done after that. After he got good enough at cleaning, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning windows, cleaning toilets, etc... we added all of the laundry, cooking, after meal clean up, etc.... to the list. When he got good at all of that we added to the list with cleaning cob webs off of the house, cleaning the toilets, showers, bathrooms each and every day, etc.....
He finally got to where he was sick of chores and being our live in house cleaner and beck and call boy.
After about 5mos of that he asked for a ride to the USMC and USAF recruiters. He eventually selected the USAF and 7mos after the chore list kicked off he reported for USAF basic military training in San Antonio. My SS was 18 when we went through this process. He will soon be 21 and has been in the USAF for two years. He works full time, attends university in the evenings full time and is figuring out how to be a viable adult. He has 4 more years on his 6 year enlistment and so far indicates that he intends to stay in for 20 years. He is talking about OCS when he finishes his degree but ... we shall see.
Were I you I would take the bride for a weeked alone, lay out the problems and work a plan together. Of course you will likely have to put the minimum stipulations in place. When you get home change the locks on the doors, hand the worthless POS SS his chore list and let him know that he does it or he sits outside for the rest of the day, each and every day.
If your wife refuses to be an equity player in this effort then had her the Skid's chore list and tell her since she refuses to hold him accountable then she can do his work for him. If it gets to that point change the locks again with you having the only key. That ought to get the point across to both of them.
I for sure would not tolerate being your SKid's check book and beck and call girl and boy if I were you and your DW. Fortunately for me my wife agreed and supported the plan we came up with together.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Thanks for comment. Right now
Thanks for comment.
Right now he does chores he is beck and call boy but strangely he seems happy with it.
When he does any chore he mother heaps Unusual amounts of support and encouragement on him, like he is a 12 year old. She literally is his daily cheerleader for any chore he does frequently stating " Looks at what ......did"
I was a military man and have talked to him about that option. He tells me what I want to hear and no action. His mother is not keen about pushing him that way, even though his windows of opportunity are closing the older he gets and the longer he remains unemployed.
Forgot to mention that he plays hours and hours of video games a day. Well over 12hrs.... In my opinion he knows that if he does the minimum mommy will leave him alone which she does.
We have been to counseling and she does not support any sort of tough love. Wont even talk about it. I feel in some way their relationship is very dysfunctional. If we were to go on Dr. Phil he would be shocked at what they have done for the past few years.
I told her that she was loving and supporting him to Failure. That didnt go over so well. Now it looks like I am going to lose my wife/friend over this and she does not want to admit that his chosen lifestyle is a large part of our troubles.
In her words she will support him for as long as it takes. She will not draw a line in the sand or set time limits to his progress.
She even hinted at buying a bigger house so he could have more space!!!!! OMG!
I wake up daily sad and unable to comprehend their thought processes. Every time I look at this man His whole resume of failures and lack of motivation comes to mind.
-Kicked out of college
-Refusal to work in college
-Pathological liar
-Moving violations paid for by Mommy
-23 Years old!!!!! living at home gaming and cannot buy anything without money from his mother
-cannot pay his bills
The list goes on
I dont get it. I just want him to succeed and move on with his life.
My SS did the same thing as
My SS did the same thing as far as doing the basic chores. He complained a bit then buckled down and got them done on a daily basis. Once he figured out how to do them and have tons of time for video games we started adding to the list and we eventually put a lock on the wireless router/smart house cabinet so we could turn off the router and lock it so he could not game during the day.
It was a process of creating a shrinking burning platform that motivated him to launch. He finally realized he had a choice between abject misery and stepping up and taking responsibility for himself.
There is no easy button and each kid is different but some of the tactics we used may work for you.
Changing the locks is a huge statement. At least it was for my kid. I never had to include my bride in the no key club but you very well may with your bride to get the message across.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
I have tried that she
I have tried that she redirects and is evasive. She tells me she believes in him and he will turn it around. Constructive 2 way conversation never happens because she gets Very defensive and we stray so far off the subject it never gets delt with. I told her on several occasions that I was sorry I get so angry and worked up over things but I truly want the best for him!! I just cannot watch what is going on. She will not see that I mean well. You would think that my genuine intent would trump words spoken when highly emotional.
She hides it from him but she feels like she failed him. I have watched her cry about it and it is killing me.
However when she see him its all smiles and overdone enthusiasm for the most trivial of things. And I seem to get the brunt of her frustration. I am the only one being held accountable here.
She jut wants me to sit quietly and allow myself to be ignored and rendered impotent as the man of the house. He.... is now the man of the house. My daughter 3 years his junior is going to school, works and pays her car payment, cell phone, gas car insurance. She is no angel but she is on the right track. It seems my wife resents her..
I asked her when is she going to stand up for us as a couple and she would not answer me. Sorry am rambling I have alot pinging around in my head.
It amazes me what some
It amazes me what some parents will do for their children, regardless of whether it's an intact or divorced situation. But I understand it. This is their child so yes they are going to do almost anything including allowing their adult child to live at home, flunk out of school, not work....doesn't make it right but makes them human beings who think they looking after their flesh and blood. And yes, they expect you to get this and support them 100%. I think you have a number of choices; discuss with your partner that while you will leave the parenting of their child to them you feel a poor second when you have no alone time/affection for fear of upsetting their child. If you take this honest approach be prepared for an outcome you may not like...do you feel if your SO felt it is a show-stopper with you and you will leave that she will make an effort? If not, are you prepared to live with it? Or perhaps you have to make the hard choice of leaving as this relationship won't offer you what you are looking for. What would happen if you disengaged from your wife to some extent? Went with her own rules and simply starting living your life, no affection, spent time with your family/friends instead? Would this open her eyes?
Thanks for input, we have to
Thanks for input, we have to have some discussions about this situation. Something has to change soon. If she is not careful he will be home for the next few years.