SD5's mini-wife syndrome
I have seen posts on this site before regarding mini-wife syndrome but they seem to be referring to older skids. My SD is only 5 and has serious mini-wife syndrome. DH has her every other week and from the time she arrives until the time she leaves, he is up his butt. She literally follows him around the house. When we are sitting together on the couch, she will squeeze in between.
When she was a little younger, she would actually pull him away from me and say "MY DADDY" but I reached my limit with that and quickly put her in her place but she still does things that irk me. She is here 50% of the time and I feel like I have no alone time with DH the entire week she is here, which naturally makes me dread her coming and count down the days until she is gone. I feel like my life is put on hold when she is here.
So my question is, is there anything I can do to address this mini-wife syndrome? Every time I say something to DH about it, he brushes it off saying "she's just a kid" or something similar. I feel like if this doesn't end, it may eventually destroy my marriage. I love DH with all my heart, but I need more than a part time husband.
The only person who can
The only person who can change this is your DH. SO the weeks SD is there you need to make it painfully clear that you are not there for him. No sex, no affection. Do not do anything for his child. Find something to do away form the home so he is stuck with her for the entire week. Even if it means you sleep in a different room. Find friends to meet with after work. Go and visit other people. Join a club without him.
Pretty soon he sill get the idea something is pissing you off. And this is when you say .."Really nothing. I just know when your daughter is here she is the only one you want to be with and I am OK with that. So I am making my other-week life away from you. Then you can be Daddy for 7 days because you sure are not being Husband during that time and I get to be single for 7 days and we are just room mates."
HE will NOT like it.
And then you say "Oh well, when you decide to be the kind of Daddy who doesn't teach his daughter to push other adults away from you we can revisit this. But for now, you get Daddy Week and I get Smiley week."
This is about him allowing this kind of behaviour and not doing anything about it. She is only 5 and will do whatever she is allowed to do.
LOVE THIS IDEA! I feel like a
LOVE THIS IDEA! I feel like a lot of the time we seem like we are jealous or complaining because we don't get the attention as wife when the sk is around. When instances like that happen of him "feeding into the princess," I get very cold and unattentive. He realizes whats up and changes the tude. They are men-sometimes they just have to be trained:)
This is an excellent
This is an excellent suggestion. I know a young child must be unhappy with visitation but it is what it is. I feel sorry for the child but she needs to learn daddy has a new wife.
You need to be included in his life as you are his new wife and she is not.
If Dh is getting so much emotional satisfaction from SD then let him. If he wants you only for sex let him know you are unavailable as he needs his time with his daughter.
If you and DH had children
If you and DH had children together, when would you have alone time with him? It would be after the kid goes to bed or when you get a babysitter on the weekend.
I'd have DH tuck the skid in by 8pm. I know a week is a long time-I have that schedule with SD11, but just be thankful you don't have her 100% of the time!!!
When my SD is at our house and BD is with my exH, I now enjoy the time I get to myself! I used to get annoyed by the way I couldn't even hug DH without SD hugging whatever part of him I wasn't touching and purposely sitting next to him on the couch before I can get there. But now we have a dog, and no one can hug DH without the dog jumping in the middle of it just like Sd used to. It's quite humorous actually to see SD's daddy hug broken up by the dog just like she used to break up me and DH's hugs. I bought myself a chaise lounger which I turned into "my spot" cause I #1 don't want SD's foul scent all over it and #2 in your face SD, I don't even wanna sit next to your dad! But, the dog wound up taking Sd's spot on the couch next to DH, so it's all good.
I agree with the above poster who said don't do shit for the skid. If the DH has to actually cook for her, do her laundry, take care of her room, run her to school or daycare, pick her up from school or daycare, pack her lunch, etc. with any luck, he will opt for less custody.
IMHO, BM's only give up 50% custody to punish the father by making him be with the kid so he can't do what he wants to do for half of his life for 18 years. I think the only reason men like 50% is so they can reduce child support.
Find some hobbies or something for when SD is around-out of the house-if you take up sewing or something, SD might want to do it too. And be sure if you take a class no children are allowed so Sd cant tag along. Good luck-you got a lot of years to go!
I like that.SD spreads out in
I like that.SD spreads out in the kitchen instead of her room to sit close to dada so she can talk to him NON STOP
Awesome! So I'm not the only
Awesome! So I'm not the only one! I throw out any kid crap in my living room! Hell, if I find any kid crap anywhere but their room it's in the garbage. I am not a maid!
Yeah, I don't want her to
Yeah, I don't want her to think it's ok for her to be in DH's lap either. I am perfectly ok with her being on the other side of him, I just don't appreciate being pushed out of the way so she can have daaaaaaaddy to herself!
^^^The genius has spoken
^^^The genius has spoken again!
Love you Echo!!!!
Seriously, this^^^^^^^ Everything she said is how I feel about this.
And no, you're not weird for sitting next to each other on the couch holding hands watching tv. DH and I do the same
I see what you're saying
I see what you're saying Cheri, but you can't put it all on the SM. Yes, I made the choice to marry a man with a child BUT he also made the choice to marry a woman without a child. It goes both ways.
It is not abput a 5 year old
It is not abput a 5 year old wanting cuddles , it is about a 5 year old trying to put herself in the middle and push the partner away.My SD was the expert in this, even with 6
TOTAL AGREEMENT. Children do
TOTAL AGREEMENT. Children do not physically come in between you. You present a united front and a physical, visible display of this is necessary. This is a priority boundary that needs to be set.
Additionally the others are telling you she cannot be allowed to push others out of her way. Someone at school will DECK her when she tries it..... best to learn that one at home.
Wellll..... I live WAY
Wellll..... I live WAY further south than you, and my OH and I like to snuggle up on the couch, no recliners here either
WE sit, it's a large comfy 3 seater couch, but he is a big (tall) man, we put our feet up, we snuggle, we hold hands, we sometimes sit leaning against the arms (of the couch) NOT touching. But we do sit together on the same couch.
The only time we don't is if one is reading the paper - the lighting is better over the less comfy sofa so whomever wants to read the paper usually moves over there, then there is space to lay out the paper to read, and better lighting.
But on the whole, when we sit of an evening, it's together on the same couch, side by side, with some form of touching...
Agree with Echo 1000%!!!! Had
Agree with Echo 1000%!!!! Had this same exact problem with SS11 for 3 looooong years!!! I tried the 'doing my own thing' crap until recently. I have now TAKEN my rightful place in my life/marriage/home back!!! I only wish i had done it years ago!!! Stand up for yourself. Dont allow this crap. She takes your spot? Point blank tell her to move it!!! She tries to hang all over your DH? Tell her thats Not appropriate & to go play!!!
I took that crap for too long. All it did was make it a crazy competition & was a nutso way to live. Alow them to have one on one time once or twice a week. Get a sitter atleast one eve she is there. Go on a date night WHILE she is there at your house. She needs to see you as your DHs partner-- not someone she can run off!!!
Best of luck to you!!
Thank you guys! Yes I have
Thank you guys! Yes I have tried talking to DH about it but he kind of brushes it off saying she's just a kid- stuff like that. None of my friends are stepparents but they all have kids and I do NOT see this with them AT ALL. They send the kids to go play somewhere & spend time with their husband. I'm not saying to neglect the kid, but give it a rest! Why does the kid need to follow daddy around from the moment she wakes up until the moment she goes to bed? Go freakin play somewhere!
Another thing to remember is
Another thing to remember is this little girl probably misses hr father during her mothers parenting week and wants to catch up on HER time. In her world you get her Daddy ALL the time and she doesn't. Is it correct? No, but she is only 5 and loves her father. I wonder if she does the same thing to her mother?
You're right, lavender, they
You're right, lavender, they are messing the kids up big time. DH used to sleep with SD too before we moved in together- I put an end to that bs but if we didn't move in together, I guarantee it would still be going on.
I don't remember ever being up my parents' ass either! I remember always being outside playing!
My SD does a lot of the same stuff yours does- she will sit down next to DH and put her hand on his leg. She will rub up on him. She will hug all over him. She will put her feet up on him. If he walks out of the room she is in, she will follow him and if she doesn't see him right away, she will be like "where's my daddy?" I just wish she would go away!!!!! lol
yep experiencing the same
yep experiencing the same stuff. What someone said above works I tried it and laughed. Here is what you do.
Be scares, find plenty to do she is sitting by him, disappear take a bath watch a movie somewhere else do not be by them. Make excuses to be gone, tell him to go do stuff with her. He will freak and say what? No its ok. or where were you. Tell him giving you daughter time. He wont like it. I know how it is we have a perfect life and then she comes to visit he gets all pissy with her and she gets pushy with him. But its his kid and he loves her make it work
^^^^^^ ugh sooo true!!!
^^^^^^ ugh sooo true!!!
Lavender, you describe how SO
Lavender, you describe how SO treated his princess.She still tries to kiss him on the lips.YUK.
Thank you all!! I have been
Thank you all!! I have been doing my own thing a lot of the time she is here but I frankly am getting sick of it. On SD weeks, I typically will go to the gym after work, go out with friends, visit family, work late, whatever. But it gets tiring. Sometimes I just want to be able to go home and relax with my husband.
The thing about DH and I sitting together on the couch was just 1 example.. but yes it is normal for us to cuddle up on the couch at night and watch TV.. So when SD is around and our routine goes to shit, of course I get irritated.
I get that she wants to be around her dad, I really do.. But the thing is, I am not her mom, she is not my kid, and it annoys the shit out of me that I have to share my husband. This would not be happening in a nuclear family. My parents were married and they would send me outside to play and spend time together. I didn't think it was mean or anything. I don't remember thinking much of it. My friends who are married with kids (nuclear families) do the same thing- send the kids outside or to play in their room- it seems pretty normal to me. Why does the kid have to be up daddy's butt? Daddy has a wife..
JEALOUS, YOU ARE THE OTHER
JEALOUS, YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN, AND DONT SAY ANYTHING TO DH HE WILL SAY YOUR JEALOUS!
BOTTOM LINE SOME DAY SHE WILL GROW UP AND GET A BOY FRIEND AND THEN IT WILL BE BETTER I WAITING
MY SK IS 11
There's no guarantee it gets
There's no guarantee it gets better. My SD is 25 and still pitches a fit if we don't invite her to do stuff (and she expects us to not only pick up her, but her kid and partner too! Then pay for everything!)
Reality is, many SKids have this stuff as just part of their character and no amount of years will change it, plus the grand kids give them more reason to insist for Dad's resources/attention and when he doesn't do it then you get blamed for not meeting the desires of TWO generations!
I think it's understandable
I think it's understandable that she's jealous. I think this is a mixture of temperament and the tragedy that's divorce. Even my bio five year old son is like this sans divorce. It's hard for my DH not to get mad when my five yr old pushes him away when we hug or kiss. My DH has been away a long time and when we reunite my son is really possessive of me. I try to explain the differences between a husband and a son. At this age he feels he wants to be my husband!
Your DH needs to be firm but kind. Maybe saying he has a special spot on the other side of him just for her. Also fun, bonding time with my DH helps my son to see him as less of a rival. It might be good for you and sd to do cool stuff alone if that's not already happening.
Another thing I'm learning to do is to ask my son things directly. You could ask if there is something (besides you sitting apart) that could help her feels less jealous. The book "emotional intelligence for kids" (or title like that) is very helpful. It teaches parents to validate the emotion by naming it, thus teaching the word (e.g. "jealous") to children. Then you can ask the child to come up with solutions while still being firm.
In the end she is presented with a choice, she can take your special seat or her special seat on the other side of dad (good incentive might be with stuffed animals or dolls next to her in there special seats). If she chooses to take yours, there is a consequence.
I just asked my son about this situation. He came up with a seating solution...both if us on one side of papa this time. Then he got really excited thinking about his stuffed animals. If you made it your sd's job to find special seats on the couch for her toys so they can enjoy the movie, I bet she'll enjoy a new focus.
Another good thing is
Another good thing is choices. They have so few under their control at this age. Giving her a choice to sit next to you or dad would empower her. My son surprised me and chose to sit next to dad when given the choice. That was his solution, along with the placement of his toys. This scenario gives a child valid options and choices within healthy boundaries.
I too have a SD5, and never
I too have a SD5, and never thought of her behaviors this way- love the mini-wife term!. Mine does the exact same stuff. If she sees me sitting next to my husband, she has to squeeze in between or get in his lap (I really hate the lap stuff, like a she's a baby.) If I hug him, she runs over and tries to push me out of the way and hug him "My daddy!." In the morning she climbs in bed with him. My son does the same in the morning with me (he's 5 too). But I only let mine stay for a couple minutes and then make him get out so we can start getting ready. If she's in the bed with my husband, I have to eventually force her to leave so I can get dressed in my own room. If her father is in another room or busy and she starts yelling "daddy" to ask him something, I intervene and answer her question, explaining that "daddy is in the shower," or "daddy is upstairs, what do you need?" Even if I have clearly answered her question, she will continue to run past me and call for him until I have to physically redirect her back to the family room and remind her that I just answered her question and her father is busy, so it's not ok to ignore me and continue to try and hunt him down or stand outside the bathroom door talking to him. Recently, my husband was letting her stay up late to watch the Superbowl with us. She was whining and complaining non-stop because she was overly tired, and even said she wanted to go to bed. Her father insisted she needed a bath and said it would have to wait until the game was over so he could bathe her. Being that I hate sports and wanted an excuse to get away, I offered to give her a bath and put her to bed. It would have gotten rid of the whining for my husband, gotten me away from football, and gotten her to bed like she wanted. But no, "I want daddy to give me a bath." Her father just accepted this, while she continued to complain and act bratty. I tried to insist that he tell her she needs to chill and let me help her sometimes, but he said he didn't see the need to upset her if she really just wanted him. So I just went upstairs, escaped football, and heard him downstairs continuously telling her stop with the whining. Even still, he still didn't accept the "I told you so" for that one. Ridiculous, and I understand your frustration.
I don't think it's limited to
I don't think it's limited to stepfather/daughter relationships. I have a friend whose daughter will constantly put herself in the middle of her mother and whoever is with her. It is pure hell trying to walk with this woman. No matter which side I would move to, the daughter would come up behind then squeeze herself between. Finally, I gave up and started walking behind them. That was the only time the mother addressed it.
When she squeezes in between
When she squeezes in between you take her firmly by both shoulders, pick her up and place her somewhere else. Do it every time. DH may learn to sit in the middle of the sofa so she can sit on the opposite side of him as you. It really does not matter other than 100% enforcement of the polite requirement. If DH opens his mouth for any other reason than to correct SD-5 when you move her you point your finger firmly in his face and give him a Shhhh!
This is about a 5yo that needs enforced boundaries and clarity that she is a kid and nothing more and a Dad who needs to gain clarity on being a quality parent.
Good luck.
I love these men that insist
I love these men that insist we are part of the step family; be around for when my kid is here, but don't expect her to accept you like me, expect to be put on the back-burner the whole time she's here. My kid and I will have a grand old time together 100% at your expense, but don't you dare feel resentful or like not participating!
When my DH and I first got together and I learned he had his children EOW, one evening per week, etc... I would avoid his invites to get together when he had his girls. DH would get hurt and offended and ask why I didn't want to be around them. DH had every reason in the book why I should be there, complaining he felt like he was "being punished" for having his kids if I did my own thing when they were around. Insisted the girls loved me and what kind of message was I sending to them by being absent during their visits etc.. etc...
So, I gave in and gave up my own friends and family on those weekends to be there for DH and his girls. Then - they had their happy little visits together and especially with YSD all their "alone time" right with me there
Forget that crap. If these DH's can't make an effort to support us as much as they expect we will support them, I say go live your life and don't waste another thought about it