I feel like all of this drama has ruined my marraige
from the moment I came into DH's life and BM found out, it has been nothing but hell. They didnt have any boundries, she thought they would get back together, he hated her but had no problem spending 1 day a week in her presence 'for the sake of my daughter'.But its just one stupid drama after drama, resulting in his bad moods, us having no money and me having to pay for a room for his kids on our mortgage in an area which is only beneficial for him so hes closer to his kids (3&6).
BM has tried to keep kids away, make me break up with him by spreading lies, manipulating his mum and finally thinks she can say/do what she wants but I cant sand up for myself. DH just seems like a toy in the middle of all of this, being nagged at by 2 women constantly to do whats right by me his wife and by her his kids BM.Lets get this straight, yes BM did not hold a gun to his head to sleep with her but he did not want kids at that age let alone with her, yet she lied to him twice (yes he's a fool I know).So now we have my DH playing dad to kids that sometimes he doesnt even want around, but he loves them and provides for them regardless. However his mood is taken out on me, see my other posts.He makes me feel like im second best and he never has any enthusiism for anything to do with us. Even if I plan weekend activites for the skids and us to do, hes like 'yeh cool whatever'. Ive stopped doing alot of the super SM duties, becasue why should I. I care for them a great deal, but they are not my problem. I just feel very sad as he can talk to me about our marraige and its come to the point that I dont care anymore and feel like im falling out of love with him.Ive never been wit someone thats had so much drama, ive been on anti depressents for it too.You know when you fight for something for so long and when you finally get it (DH) its torn and has compltly lost its shine, well thats how I feel. And this is 6months into married life. No bios yet I want bios so badly, but I dont know if I can deal with situations ive read on here and having my child second and missing out becasue daddy stuck his d*ck in trash.I know I should leave but i keep thinking what if.....I clearly read too many fairy tales when I was younger!
was meant to read 'he can't
was meant to read 'he can't talk to me about our marraige EVER'
Is your DH "playing dad" or
Is your DH "playing dad" or IS he dad? Those are very different. :?
When did this all show up? You say you've been married only six months, so is this something that's brand new? Or were you just ignoring it when you walked down the aisle?
As hard as it is, you need to make a choice. Stay in the marriage or go. If you stay, you need to accept life is what it is.
I like the distinguishment
I like the distinguishment between "playing dad" or being dad. My DH is not a father. Sure, he made the mistake of sleeping with this broad without a condom, sure he got a kid out of that mistake, and an ex wife from hell, sure he gets him and spends time with him, but he is not a father. He hasn't the slightest idea of what that is. He is his kids playmate, buddy, friend, dancing monkey, puppet, and fool. He does none of the things a father should do to ensure that he is raising a good well rounded child to put forth into society. It is like he is terrified to correct this kid, set limits, boundaries, rules, instead, he lets this kid run him ragged and then spends the rst of the week taking out his frustrations on me because his nerves are shot. It is all a completion, bend over backwards kissing this kids ass so that he will like Daddy more than Mommy and then when he goes to Mommy it is the same game different house. Seeing him be completely dominated by a 2,3,4, now 5 year old disgusts me and makes me resent the "child" not man, I married. Ugh.
Same here. 14 months in and I
Same here. 14 months in and I am a bitter, hateful, miserable woman. My marriage is a sham and only held together by the fact that I have dug my heels in and decided to stay and make it work come hell or high water, well the water is over my head now and I am drowning.
Jesus don't have kids. You
Jesus don't have kids. You should be on birth control AND using condoms. Seriously this is no time to make a mistake like that. Better yet keep your legs together, pack your bags and get out.
This guy is not going to change and you've got at least a decade and a half ahead of you. THEN it may get worse because he'll be catering to his supposedly adult kids as well who will be bantering him and working his guilt trip along with his ex.
You married a guy you thought you could control and mold to your liking only to find he can be molded by his ex as well. You two will never stop fighting over him. Jeeze give all three of you a rest by leaving. There must be a million guys out there without kids who you can start a family with instead of this twit you obvioously have no respect for.
Either that or stop complaining about him because he will never change.
the only way i would
the only way i would recommend staying is if he put you and your needs first (even if you have to fight for this right). like the poster above said, i dug in my heels and fought. boy, did i ever fight! it's been almost 5 years of marriage now and things are smoother (i still have alot of anxiety), but i'm off the meds for the most part. 6 months into our marriage his ex and kids moved back to our state and boy did the shit hit the fan. my dh realized i was going to leave and didn't want to live without me. so i still have a bit of disney daddying going on, and i have to hyper-vigilant to protect my home. worth it? don't know yet.
Thank you for all your advice
Thank you for all your advice on this. I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I know marraige can be hard but when its hard and then add all of the bull on top its too much.I love him so much and want to make it work however how can I make it work when he wont talk, yesterday he walked around for 5 hours in the other room 'doing things' and then when he did come into the kitchen/living room where I was, he had his earphones in with music on full blast ?! We soke in the week and agreed we should talk on sunday, and this is the response I got. Everything has to be on his terms and his timings.He wont communicate with me at all.He had the never to get annoyed with me twice over the weekend (meaning he was moddy and ignores me for ages) 1. because he said he wanted to get some new clothes for the skids, so the 4 of us done that, but apparently I picked up too much, even though he was pointing to the expensive items and yet I picked up basic items and then 2. because he didnt cover skids beds witht he pet throw I bought and the cat dard to sit on their bed - WTF?! he's really starting to treat OSD6 as mini wife when shes there too, luckily shes a good girl so far, but he just makes me feel ill, all cuddled up on the sofa, ignoring me and YSD2!!
he just says 'I dont want to
he just says 'I dont want to talk about this, its a waste of time. All you're going to do is tell me what a failure I am and ho Im doing everything wrong' .Truth is I tell him how we both can change but yes I do tell him things that he's done that have upset me etc, in the nicest way possible but its still met with deaf ears.I'm just tired of it all, and really thinking whats the point of it all.When its good its lovely but it consists of me running after him, when things are bad omg I think i actually hate him. This weekend was the first weekend he washed up his kids things and tidyed their room withouthme nagging, I just mentioned it once, but even that has to be taken out of our time together becasue god forbid he should think how it makes me feel waiting around all morning for him to drop his kids back- late and cutting into our time, where he promised me a nice afternoon out. needless to say I spent the whole afternoon in tears becasue he was just being a arrogant tw*t towards me.Yet Im the one causing issues becasue I dared to get annoyed about him cutting into our time after busting my ass off the whole weekend for him and the kids.I told him I will never get upset over something like that again because I will never look forward to anything with him, and I might addb that he rarely (blue moon) gives me something to look forward to.
thabnnk you and you are
thabnnk you and you are right. Just to clarify I am his first wife, first person he has lived with. Him and BM were jus f**k buddies to put it nicely.But regardless he is acting completly like an ahole. I never expected it to be like this. hes very spoilt and has a very self centred attitude, which his parents and family still cater to, which does not help.
Your DH sounds very much like
Your DH sounds very much like mine. Very self centered, very spoiled, and ignores me and sulks and gives me the silent treatment as punishment. I do believe my DH has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder with extreme narcissistic qualities which does not help our marriage at all when it is already strained to the max because of his son and BM. The only thing that has kept us going is that I no longer allow the SS to be here unless DH is off of work, so he is only here 1 night per week now instead of 3-4. My MIL is a big problem in our life as well. She caters to his moods and whims and refuses to see that she is a contributing factor.
Jamesina-thank you,you have
Jamesina-thank you,you have been brilliant! I don't know wot to do,give him an ultimatum?we are both screaming at each other for divorce even though we both don't mean it.he won't talk to me of his own back,I have to be the one chasing him to even save us,I just can't be bothered after his earphone stunt,which isn't the first time either!!
This situation sounds like
This situation sounds like you are frequently having to verbalise how disatisfied you are with your relationship and as a result your DH is doing the typical man thing, and is shutting down by withdrawing into his man cave. This means ANY and ALL attempts at getting through to him will be like water breaking on stone, which in turn leaves you even MORE broken hearted, as DH then comes across like he does not care at all about you. This in turn makes you rage and you/he lose your temper during the above cycle, and then the D word is banded about as a means to get a reaction in desperation in the hopes of changing one another. You want a more attentive, considerate DH and he wants you to back off.
The above cycle will just escalate and go round in the same perpetual merry go round which will make you both feel like you are losing your mind.
Right now, you likely feel so stressed and your brain is scattered in different directions thinking about the upsetting stuff, the hurt, your broken hopes, how used you feel, how much you love this guy and want to be with him. Its like you are a toy being pulled between two children. When you are in this emotive state, its REALLY difficult to come to any rational decisions. So here is my advice what to do.
Right now you need space in order to feel that weight has lifted a bit so you can breathe once more and see hope on the horizon. Knowing what reasonable steps to take can help this hope blossom, but you have to be calm and strong to get there.
Screaming, crying, talking is NOT helping atm. So stop. This doesn't mean your marriage is over, this means you and DH need some time out to get some mutual perspective and space to recharge.
Can you visit some family/friends for a weekend/week while you leave DH at home? This would be a *really* good decision and I would absolutely not advocate talking about your marriage during this vacation. BTW it does not matter if DH does not want you to go, sometimes you have to make a decision for the sake of yourself as an individual BEFORE you can gather the know how to save your marriage. Tell him you love him but you need to think about things in a calm environment away from home to get some persepctive.
You see talk can be cheap. Its action which help and we provide the example of how we wish to be treated e.g. by busting your gut for DH over that weekend for him to only demonstrate his appreciation through breaking his promise to you and leaving you in tears only resulted in more pain for you. You need to STOP busting your gut and allowing DH to parent his kids while you opt you, spend that time on you. If DH will not do the things that make you happy then WHY the hell are you not doing it for yourself? Your happiness is on YOU, not him. This is YOUR responsibility and by handing him this you are setting yourself up for disappointment!
Think carefully about all the stuff DH is failing to provide in terms of your needs. The really important dealbreaker stuff, then think how you can rectify it for yourself. I will give you examples of things that bothered me and I addressed. My DH did not want to spend time with me when we were going through a very rough patch, so I ensured I planned fun stuff by myself and with family/friends. Did it bug DH? Yep, but I made it clear without arguing with him that I deserved to be happy and as he wasn't bothered about spending time with just me then I wasn't breaking my back in order to convince him. He either made that effort or too bad I would live my life without him (you can calmly provide DH with examples of him not caring).
Delilah have you been a fly
Delilah have you been a fly on our wall??lol that is spooky you described exactly how things are BS how I feel.thank you.i don't have family close by 3hrs away and my friends live too far for me to be able to get to work.but sat and sun I'm planning on a girls weekend and I will do the same for next weekend.your right,my happiness does not depend on him and I shouldn't let how he feels affect me.skids are back tomorrow straight from work,that's going to be fun.he can ignore me and rub in that he has HIS kids there -joy!