Hi all,
First, I know this is long (sorry) but there is a question at the end; just wanted to give a little background info.

My spouse and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. He has a 7 year old daughter & has lived 3000 miles away from her for 4 years, for work reasons. He has always been in her life, phone calls/Skype daily, faithful with large child support, frequent visits, etc.

He cherishes her and she idolizes him; it genuinely warms my heart to see father and daughter so close.

Recently, we went through the legal system and he now has joint custody. So, we decided to move to be in the same city as her.

From the time he and I realized we would pursue our relationship, this has been our goal and I'm thrilled to finally be doing it.

In my opinion, we are all VERY lucky.... biological mom is trying very hard to accept this new reality (although she sometimes struggles, understandably); dad is doing his best to make me feel important in the family, daughter is open and loving (she has told me she feels lucky "daddy found a good girl"; and I feel blessed to be a part of this little girl's life.

At the moment, he is still working away and is only home 1 week per month. Daughter is only here when Daddy is here, so I spend 3/4 of my time alone...wishing for him (and her) to be here. The plan is for this to continue for another few months until he can get a transfer.

So, to my question:

For the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship, my spouse and I lived alone together; so, I admit there are fleeting moments when I wish we had time alone. But, I know the reality is that we are raising a small child and our world has changed from "couple" to "family." I also cherish this family and, not being able to have children myself, I am honored to have this privilege.

The only problem we seem to be dealing with is our sleeping arrangements when daddy & daughter are home. Over the years, we have had this issue... daddy & daughter want to sleep together. I have consistently told him that I'm not ok with this. He is not a fan of public displays of affection and when we lived alone together, bed was the place we talked, cuddled & established our intimate bond as a couple (not purely sexual, but nice to have that option).

He seems to understand and agree with me, but always gives in to daughter's request to sleep with us. I've told him, and walk the talk, that every waking moment can be about her/the family, but when bedtime comes around, I need some affection & grown-up time alone with him.

Now, I only get to see him a few days a month and this bonding time is even more critical to me.

During his last trip home, the first night I allowed daughter to sleep with us with daddy in the middle. I was not happy about it, but didn't want to create a scene in front of the child. The next day, I talked to him about it (again). That night, he again allowed her to sleep with us & she wanted to sleep in the middle. So, he just placed her there and I was VERY upset that he would disregard my feelings. I got up and left the room, saying simply "that is my boundary & we've already talked about this a dozen times."

He got angry & we had an argument in the kitchen.... using low voices, but still I felt terrible that she had been exposed to this adult issue at all.

Am I wrong to insist that our bed is for us? Morning snuggles are fine with me; I would love to have her jump in with us to play/talk in the morning, but I want our bed to be the place where we stay connected as a couple.