I'm so very grateful to have found this website. I struggle daily with my frustration with trying to be in the SM role to my BF's two girls (ages now 10 and 6). Most of my frustration revolves around the SD10's misbehavior and me trying to decide if the misbehavior is normal (these forums seem to show it is??!) or a result of the fact the SD10’s BM is no longer living.

Background: My BF and I are both in our mid-40s. Two years before meeting me, the BF was in the middle of a divorce as his wife/BM as she had abruptly left him for another man, moving in with the affair-man and making plans to marry the affair-man. The family was separated at that point and they shared a 50/50 parenting schedule. My BF describes the ex/BM as an emotionally unavailable-type mother and selfish woman who pretty much ignored her children's emotional needs from the moment they were born and someone who let the older daughter run the show. As a result, the older daughter developed an in-your-face, bossy and overly-demanding personality. Apparently neither my BF nor the BM ever addressed it. Approximately 1 ½ years ago, just weeks before the divorce was to be finalized, the ex/BM tragically killed herself. The BF's girls were 9 and 5 at the time of their mother’s death and were told BM had medical problems which caused her to become very sick and die. I met the BF about one year after the ex/BM's death (he had already mourned his marriage break-up two years earlier and had been dating for over a year at this point. Both SD’s have been in and out of therapy.). I had never met the BM and was not involved in their break-up/divorce proceedings.

I have been dating my BF for six months now. We became serious very quickly and we introduced my DD10 to the SD10 and SD6. The SD10 is my biggest concern as she has the “little girlfriend syndrome” going on with her dad – physically hanging on him, demanding his instant affection, crowding him to the exclusion of all others - as well as a two-faced personality: the SD10 is sickeningly sweet around her dad and other adults/teachers/grandparents but when she thinks no one is looking, she is manipulative, spiteful, and mean, especially towards my DD10 and sometimes towards the SD6. I am a full-time mother and have spent this summer watching both the SD10 and SD6 (and my DD10) while my BF works full-time so I’ve witnessed the SD10’s behaviors first-hand. The SD10 generally narcissistic, self-absorbed, and jealous and often directs hateful “mean girl” comments at my DD10 – but only when she thinks no one is watching /listening and thinks no one will believe my DD10 (example: my DD10 is learning-delayed and when the SD10 found that out, she would discreetly tease my daughter about “how stupid” she was until my daughter would cry in shame.) I tried to ignore SD10 because I felt bad her mother was dead and she never had a warm and loving relationship with her mother like I have with my DD10. I know the SD10 is jealous of my DD10 and the SD10 could still be grieving the loss of her own mother so I tried to be patient with SD10. My BF has tried counseling with SD10, but her two-sided personality comes out and she pours on the charm to the point therapists believe the SD10 is well-poised, mature and coping appropriately. Who knows. Maybe she is coping well? Or maybe she doesn’t miss her neglectful mother all that much?? It’s hard to tell with the SD10 because she fakes and “uses” emotions to her advantage and it’s difficult to tell when she’s using emotions to her advantage, verses when she is really feeling the emotions – if she even feels them at all. Sometimes I wonder!! She’s not a normal child. The SD6 appears quite normal in her everyday actions and grieving, but not the SD10. Sometimes I notice she stares at me with eyes that look like they belong to a mean, old dog: no warmth or emotion, just cold and calculating. Empty.

After one too many “I can’t believe you’re so stupid” comments came out of SD10’s mouth (directed at my DD10 while she was trying to read out loud), I lost it. I asked the SD10 “What was that filth that just came out of your mouth?” She looked at me with shock. I don’t know if she was more shocked because she didn’t realize I’d heard her or more shocked that someone actually confronted her on her mean-girl behavior. My BF was present, and to my surprise, he backed me 100% in calling his daughter out. (He later secretly confided in me he’d noticed the same mean-girl behaviors in the SD10 for about six years but had not really known what to do to deal with it. The BF described the same behaviors in his ex/BM)

Since then, I’ve advised my BF the SD10 is not going to get away with lying, manipulating, controlling, bossing or hateful behaviors, and I will hold her accountable for her choices. He agrees and still backs me and I love him for it! The problem is that although I’m quite confident in my assessment of the SD10’s wretched behavior, I still fight feelings of guilt because she is mother-less. It’s getting so bad now though that I can’t stand the sight of the SD10, or her high-pitched whiny voice, her incessant and insincere “Daddy, I love you SOOOOO MUCH!!!” as she physically weasels in between us, her arrogant attitude as she interjects herself into adult conversations because the other kids are “too boring” to play with, her endless complaints of smells she doesn’t like, noises that annoy her, food that isn’t to her liking, etc. When she’s rotten, I can’t stand her. When she’s nice, it’s overtly phony and I can’t stand her. When she has normal 10-year old moments, instead of feeling relief, I feel horrible that her mother is missing out on these moments and that makes me miserable too! And on the rare occasion I start to think I could accept the SD10, she does something conniving and I dislike her all over again. Nearly every emotion I feel about SD10 is negative! And the worst part is she never goes away and the only breaks I get away from her is when I retreat to my own home when my DD10 leaves to visit her dad. And I feel guilty for that too!! For needing to get the hell away from the SD10!! My BF wants us all to live together at his house, but there’s no way I’m selling my house – my sanctuary away from his manipulative kid. My BF is very understanding and never complains when I retreat to my sanctuary. I think sometimes he secretly wishes he could get a break from the SD10 too, but I don’t even want to babysit her so he can get away. All of the SD10’s grandparents are deceased and my BF’s two surviving siblings do not live close so he is truly a 24/7 parent to this high-maintenance, phony and demanding prima donna princess. It seems the SD10 may grow up to be just like her BM: selfish and emotionally unavailable. And I’m beginning to believe the SD10 would be on this path whether her mother was alive or not.

Sorry for the lengthy story and thanks for letting me vent. I hope I’m not being completely insensitive to a young kid whose mother died. I hope I’m not too crazy for my feelings. It’s been a tough balance.