Jealousy and confusion, making me question what is the right thing to do. Help!
Hey everyone. I'm new to this forum but I'm looking for all of you with experience in this area's expert advice. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half now (he's 30 and I'm 28) and the first six months of this relationship was abroad so while I knew he had children, it never really affected our relationship. He has a 10 year old son with a woman who appears to be fine (from the idle chitchat I've had with her) and she has another child in her current relationship. Her and my boyfriend have not been together for 8 years and although they used to have a turbulent relationship as teenagers, they seem to get on now for the sake of the child. He is a lovely child and my boyfriend dotes on him. While we have a pleasant relationship, things don't always feel right with the child, he's never said he loves me and I feel jealous of his and his dad's relationship although this is definitely hidden and is not a factor in our relationship. He also has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship but this relationship was bad and while he pays child support, he does not see her. He says that he hates the mother and because he was uninvolved in the pregnancy unlike his son, it doesn't bother him. She emails him to say thanks every month and he always tries to give her extra money so I know he is not a bad man. He is the most amazing boyfriend I have ever had and he makes me feel very loved. However, I worry about our future in that I am so jealous about his children, I worry does he still have feelings for these women (especially the mother of his daughter as she left him heartbroken when she broke up with him) and whether we will ever be able to have our own children together because of the finiancial implications of already having two children. I'm so confused because he really is a great man so if anybody has any advice for me on the matter, I would be extremely grateful as it's beginning to make me feel like I'm a bad person for feeling like this!!! Cheers
one baby momma is one too
one baby momma is one too many so I cannot imagine you dealing with two baby mom as. And if you guys have kids you will be a THIRD!! It gets harder when you bring your own child into the picture cause conflicts arise amongst all of you guys on which child is getting the most. That's way too much drama for someone so young with no kids.
Jealous feelings are normal. However this relationship has too many red flags for me to encourage you to pursue it. Read every post you can on this forum, and really really think about how you want to go about this.
I can totally see why you are
I can totally see why you are concerned. He has never told you he loves you? Did I understand that correctly?
In any case, crunch the numbers to see if you CAN afford a child. Or ask him if he even wants more? The jealousy you feel, you just need to decide if it's something you can work around or deal with. He does not love you and his child the same way. But it sounds like you are wondering if he loves you at all? If you are feeling unloved then that is a conversation to be had. Perhaps you don't understand each others' love languages. What would make you feel more loved? Know the answer to that before bringing up the conversation with him. Now is the time to have these talks, before you go too much further and waste time on someone that might not be headed in the same direction as you. These things are not easy for anyone.
I am much older than you, and looking through my glasses I would not pursue this relationship. It is too hard for me, but that doesn't mean it will be for you. I became a sm at 27 and was very naive. I would prefer to have found a man with no kids. They are out there!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comments, I have nobody else to speak to about this topic so have been feeling very isolated and alone of late! Sorry I meant my partner's boy never says it when I say it to him and I always feel sad because the poor little boy must be confused about all of the children and different partners going on. I really value your advice as you have all been there. I never really saw it as a big deal him having children before and feel so guilty that after a year and a half it's getting worse if anything. He has said he wants children with me eventually but wants to do things right and get married beforehand. However, we will certainly not be affording a wedding anytime soon! But the thing is he is the most loving man ever and treats me better than any other man I've ever known and has been there for me through thick and thin....that's why I've stayed this long....
Im sorry but if he was a good
Im sorry but if he was a good man he would see his daughter..period. no excuses. Doesnt matter if he was at the birth or not and shouldnt matter if he dislikes the mother or not. He obviously liked her enough to lay down and get her pregnant so he needs to man up and be part of the childs life. No real man can turn his back on his child. Think about the little girl who will grow up wondering why her daddy didnt want her or love her. And for a man to say he hates the mother of his child is well.childish and shows a huge lack of character. You want to have a baby with this so called man? When youre the one left with a child to raise on your own will you think hes still such a great man? You better run for the hills and find a good man.
If the relationship between
If the relationship between you and him is strong and good, then proceed with caution.
First, do not think the kids will never live with you. For some reason, sometimes when a father remarries the mother seems to give up or something and dumps the kid with dad. Then you would need to know how good of a parent he really is. Would he ever tell the child(ren) no? What if he feels guilty for loss of contact or relationship between child and mother?
Second, you are so wise to consider right now if you and he would be able to afford more children.
Just a few things to think about. Oh one last thing, if he ended up more involved with either or both of his children, would he be able to put good boundaries with the respective BM?
Best of luck to you as you consider all the things you will read on this site.
You didn't mention any bio
You didn't mention any bio children so I'm assuming you don't have any.
RUN. This situation is filled with problems. You'll be the third wife. Not a good track record for him - what makes you think you'll do any better? He's changed? Bad news girl - he's not going to change but he may be hiding it well for now.
Eventually the little girl will want to see Daddy - she may be a demon from hell. Meanwhile you want his boy to tell you he loves you? You'll be lucky he doesn't tell you he hates you before its all over. Which of course it never will be because kids never really leave.
Find a guy your age who has never been married. Financially stable by now and ready to start a family. You're generation is filled with them - keep looking, volunteer, join a church, get with a club, ski, hike, book club - a thousand things to do.
You can do better.
I used to feel jealous, as I
I used to feel jealous, as I got closer to my Sd it went away, remember you were used to having him to yourself, if Ss had been with you at the start of the relationship, you propably would'nt feel so jealous, you know you can change you way you feel if you put your mind to it, jealousy can seriously harm your relationship, if he wanted to be with them he would be, please don't let these feelings ruin your relationship, I also used to feel jealous of Bm, know I realise he would rather go with a tree than her, she is 27 and Im 42 lol, its good that you've realised that you need to change how you feel, tell yourself, Bf does not want to be with Bm, I do not need to feel jealous of Ss, its a different love, it shows that he is a loving man, my Bf has 2 children with different mothers, both children were not planned, he has a fine character, it was out of his hands, as for the financial implications, with planning and saving you never know.
Well you came to the right
Well you came to the right spot & you are far from alone here! Some of us will tell you to run & others will say otherwise but only you can be the judge of what feels right for you to actually do. Your feelings of jealousy & confusion are believe it or not NORMAL.
My DH had a tight bond with his son & his daughter felt like an alien child to him only they have the same mother. I was jealous of their tight bond & jealous that he had a daughter at the same time of feeling robbed of mother hood. Even when it came down to looking at pictures of them all before I came into the picture myself. Felt ashamed of them emotions, didn't know of this site yet, & kept that my secrets. Decided to either let my man go so he can find a more understanding woman or find a way to accept it for what it is. That for me was the hardest part. I accepted it & a few years went by with some changes that happened that I least expected. Long story short, my DH told me recently that he is jealous of the bond his son & I share. Him & his dad have drifted some as he entered his teens but I assure my husband now that he just needs to give his son time & I'm sure that he will come around again.
So when it comes to step parenting stuff, you never really know how the tables can turn. Accept your emotions for what they are, keep asking us questions, & try to live for the people/things you love is my advice for you.