SD's baby shower
Cant believe I haven't found this site earlier!! My adult SD does not live with us, she has her own home with her fiancé. She is pregnant and wants to have a baby shower, she is not close to her mother but extremely close to her dad ( that is EXTREMELY.. Why I wish I'd found this earlier!) we get on okay, I try to be supportive whilst always being mindful that she has a mother. The dilemma I have is that she has asked her dad to have her baby shower at our home, there will not be any males there. I am not comfortable with this as her father won't be there but her mother and her family will be. They are rude to me whenever I see them, I never react as its always at an event for their children and I believe that is not fair to my step kids, although I feel in my own home I should not have to put up with it. Any advice or opinions are welcome, I did speak to my partner, at first I don't think he understood until I put it to him as if the situation were reversed and it was him with my ex. I just don't want to cause problems again with my SD but sick of always being the one to compromise 
Absolutely not. They can
Absolutely not. They can have that shower at HER mom's house. Completely inappropriate to have BM in your home with her rude family. I think even in the most congenial of broken families this would be over the line. If she doesn't see that then she's an idiot. If BM doesn't have a big enough house, they can have it at a nice restaurant or something. Maybe dad can chip in if he wants to contribute but not in your home. And he needs to be the one to tell her it's inappropriate and insensitive to you.
I would respectfully decline.
I would respectfully decline. Your husband won't be there so there is no need for the shower to happen at your house. Let her mother or grandmother or other female relative host. I would go to the party - at their home - stay for a while, leave a nice gift and bring a small item of food or wine but that is it. I would never host them in my home.
You may have to sit your husband down and tell him NO!
Have to say I agree! NO!
Have to say I agree! NO!
When SD, who lived with BM, had her shower, I managed not to go by moving 1200 miles! LOL. At that time, we weren't getting along very well with jealous SILs, and certainly an arm's length relationship with BM. And about 50 of BM's closest friends and family would have been there. UGH!!!
I would say "hell no.' Trust
I would say "hell no.' Trust me been there done that. My on the other hand was a birthday party. So akward all the B.M family was there. I wanted to run out screaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kinda felt bad for my hubby becuse it was his daughter's party and could not even enjoy it because he was by me the whole time. But he understood
There is no reason to have
There is no reason to have these people to your home. If you want to host it, there are places around town that are free of charge. I just went to one that was in the community room at a local upscale coffee house.
Yeah! hellooooooooooooooooo
Yeah! hellooooooooooooooooo there is a place called THE PARK
no way would i do it at my
no way would i do it at my house. EVER. sd19 is currently pregnant, and not only am i not giving her a shower, but i am not attending one, either.
That is why they have
That is why they have somthing called a MOM!!!!!
you are right about that. she
you are right about that. she seems to forget that she has a mom and it's not me. her mom isn't very motherly and i am very maternal, so she expects me to pick up bm's slack. she hasn't figured out that i don't have maternal feelings for people who treat me like shit and laugh at my pain. she is so stupid, it's overwhelming.
I would say FUCK OFF
I would say FUCK OFF BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think the day is coming!
LOL Maybe she just dose
LOL
Maybe she just dose not get it. SHit then just be stright up with her say." Look I dont like you leav me alone, I want nothing to do with you." what dose your hubby say about all this?
she definitely doesn't get
she definitely doesn't get it. she truly and completely believes that because i am with her father, she has a place in my life and i OWE her. i have a sf and i do not treat him like that. he chose my mom, not me or my brother. he doesn't owe us anything.
fdh knows how i feel and why. sd sent me a shitty fb message a few weeks ago telling me i was hurting fdh by shutting HER out. she has no idea that he isn't any more interested in her than i am. she thinks he will back her no matter what. he used to take her side in everything until i broke things down for him and pointed out shit as she was doing it. he can barely stand her anymore. i think it bothered him more when she was a minor because he had to be around her then, and it was uncomfortable for him to know i hated her. she is now out on her own and mostly out of our lives, and i think he finally accepts that she is a rotten person and that it doesn't mean he's defective. (although disciplining her as a child might have helped).
WOW, i am in that situiation
WOW, i am in that situiation righ now I can't stand my sd7 and my hubby know's that. I think he thinks im a bitch. but the kid is fine untill mom comes around then she acts like a fucking snob with me. Last night I told him it is not just me who need's to work on mine and her relationship. I mean she need's to stop acting like a little bitch to me.
N/E ways he feel's akward when we are in the same room with him. I feel that he dose not know how to act around both of us.
Thanks people, it's nice to
Thanks people, it's nice to know I'm not over reacting
You are not. she needs to
You are not. she needs to understand and if she dose not to bad.Your house Your rules
Right? SO it seems that she
Right? SO it seems that she dose not care what you have to say! so like I said tell her no. Will your hubby get mad at you?
I agree - this is ridiculous!
I agree - this is ridiculous! If she wants her dad to throw the shower which is odd enough, let him, but you are not her event planner. I would just say, really ???? with a weird look on my face like you can't be serious and then DH might see how distasteful the idea is.
Honestly, it is your home and
Honestly, it is your home and you should absolutely not agree! Can you just see the stares lol
One thing I do to better
One thing I do to better understand another person's perspective in situations like this is to turn the scenario around in my mind. For example, would you put SD in a situation where she had to host a party that included her husband or BF's ex and family (who hate her)? Now let's add the layer of trying to force it on her by not asking her directly.
What kind of consideration would you have for your stepdaughter if you did this?
It's rude and myopic. Say no and say why. It will feel good to stick up for yourself.
The consensus is the local
The consensus is the local park.
I agree, either one of her
I agree, either one of her female relatives host it, or it is a public venue, park, community centre, whatever but now way should it be in your home.
You have enough posts and
You have enough posts and opinions but I'll chip in anyway. Having "all female" baby showers is over rated. If her dad wants to host the baby shower, he needs to stay. Otherwise it is YOU who is hosting the baby shower. They will for sure make you feel that you're not welcome IN YOUR OWN HOUSE and I can assure you that you will not enjoy it. Do only what comes from your heart. Make them take care of it... she's not your daughter, it's not your problem.
I think also, when your DH
I think also, when your DH refuses her this favour, he should take this further and say that the reason is that he would not want her mother to be in his new marital home. This would be wholly wrong given things have moved on, and send out the wrong message, etc, etc... If he couches it this way, then she is not able to blame you, or if she does, he can train himself to say, This is not about Tanytwo, I have not discussed this with her in detail, it is about how I feel about you and your mother; I am the one who do not want to host you and your mother together in my new marital home. You are welcome anytime but this is a celebration for a mother and daughter and you should be together OUTSIDE my new marital home; I will contribute x to the function, etc etc etc. Otherwise this will get into the annals of family history as your greatest crime and will be told to the baby later. HE SHOULD KEEP MENTIONING HIS NEW DISTANCE FROM THE BM AS THE PROBLEM for that is what it is here.
I just found out that he told
I just found out that he told her no that he wasn't comfortable with it. She actually brought it up with me, think it was a not so subtle hint and she was hoping I'd say ok. I didn't know he'd so no coz he wasn't comfortable and I just said said to her sorry but it's not going to happen as I'm not comfortable with it being in my home, she then tried to say that BM and I would come into contact wherever it was. I had to remind her that we have before for her engagement and I am always mindful and maintain distance with her BM, but in my own home that would not be happening and I would not bite my tongue from BM and her mums bitchy comments. Suddenly she's now keen to consider other options. Anyway I told hubby, that's when I found out he'd said no way, he also said once I turned the scenario and asked how he'd feel if It was my ex, he said he got it completely. Thanks for all the advice!!
Good for your and your DH,
Good for your and your DH, Tanytwo, you're a great team! Normalcy rules supreme.
Your DH didn't tell her
Your DH didn't tell her "yes", did he?
I agree. Or in the home... I
I agree. Or in the home... I hear you try to remain calm and not inflammatory in front of the step people... I am going through wedding "stuff" and deeply understand the pressures involved.
DePending on socio/economic and family/community cultural norms ..... You will need to offer an alturnitive that is not a problem. I realize to many here that will sound like appeasement , but you did say your DH is "extremely" close... So finding a suitable alternative will keep things ok. Etween the two of you....
Where I live a small resturaunt or a VFW hall type thing is ofen done.
Good luck .... I believe one can hold the boundary without joining others in their destructive/negligible behaviors!
Yasadora