Am I wrong for feeling this way about my SD?
This is a really long story, but I will endeavor to shorten it so that I'm not writing a book here...
I have a SD who has, since the age of 15, physically attacked me once and broke my nose, has been on drugs and has come home drunk (even tried to throw a couple of parties in her room with alcohol and her friends till I figured out what was going on.. her Dad was at work..), she has stolen all my jewelry to have one of her of-age friends pawn, has called me names, called her father names, is so sexually promiscuous that its just creepy, and this list could go on.
We moved her away from the city and we now live in a small town, where thankfully there is a juvenile justice center and she is now on juvenile probation. It took being locked up numerous times over the course of the first 4 months before she 'got it' that her drug tests had to come back clean. Her curfew is 8pm which lately she has been violating, and I've called in on her for. She has broken other rules and I guess the JJ center is no longer going to lock her up? Don't know whats going on with that mess, just that she really hasn't changed, but is only feigning change to prevent being locked up in detention again. When her Dad is home he deals with her, but when he leaves, she just runs over me. Her way to justify it is because I'm not her mother, and that her Dad and I aren't married yet. (Ok, whatever..)
Now, as I type this, her father has her at the doctor's office getting a pregnancy test. If she is pregnant, I just really want to scream!
Even without a potential pregnancy, I hate her. I know this sounds awful, but its true. I really can't even stand to look at her. I want NOTHING to do with her. I work, I go to college, and I have my own things to worry about. She will be 17 in June, and then its just one more year till she is 18. I told her Dad that if he doesn't take her to her mother's to live when she turns 18, that I'm leaving. He actually said he plans to, because he said that as hard as we have tried to straighten her out, its not working. He told me he knows that she will be soo much worse when we no longer have any control over her.
We are going through in-home counseling that has been court ordered, but honestly, these counselors only see her improving because they don't live here nor see what she does. I try to bring it up, but my SD just quickly changes the subject, and I can tell the counselors haven't noticed.
So here we are now, and all I can think is: I can't stand her. I want nothing to do with her. I refuse to spend my hard-earned money on her for ANYTHING, nor do I talk to her much because she is so manipulative and back-stabbing that its just not wise to do so. When she walks into the room or even in the house, I can actually feel my blood pressure go up and my ears lay back (don't laugh... its true! If I was a cat I'd probably hiss, too)
If she is pregnant (as she was at age 15, although she miscarried) I plan to stick to what I told them both (SD and her dad) about it: Its YOUR kid. YOU will take care of it and provide for it. Not me. I'm NOT the built-in babysitter.
Am I wrong for feeling so much hatred towards her? Part of me feels bad for it, but the rest of me says "screw it.. She has done too much to you, and you know it." I just feel that she burned any bridge there was between us, and I'm just DONE.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
No.If SD would break my nose
No.If SD would break my nose I would be the same.And THAT without the other crap she puts you through.{HUGS}
After reading some of the
After reading some of the other posts and topics, I have learned there is a name for what I chose to do: disengagement.
And it makes perfect sense to call it that. That is exactly what I've done: disengage. I think its sad that as step parents we have to resort to this sort of thing out of a sense of self-preservation, but alas, I can attest to the fact that you DO feel better, although I'll still be glad when she is 18 and out of the house.
I talked to my fiance tonight, and told him about 'disengagement', and what it meant. I asked if he understood why I did it. He says he does, and that I can tell, he holds no anger or resentment towards me for it. I do think he feels somewhat guilty for the crap his kid has done to me, but at the same time, he can't exactly fix it either (not that he hasn't tried and is STILL trying). He did ask me what finally drove me to the point that I'd just totally give up and quit trying, and the answer was really simple: 1) because she has done entirely too much to me and I'm just 'done'.. and 2) because her and I always fighting was making life 10 times harder on HIM, and I figure he has enough to deal with in his daughter without me fanning the fire and dousing it with gasoline by trying to keep her in line when he isn't home. I don't agree at all with how she acts, how inappropriate she is, how she treats others, nor in the lousy decisions she makes, but I have come to realize that imo, she is a lost cause. Who in their right mind would continue to fight a battle that is really already lost?
OH and let me add, because I
OH and let me add, because I forgot to mention this, this is not BDs fault. He only got custody of her about 3 years ago, from her mother. I blame her mother for all this crap we are going though now. Apparently, her mother acted this same way when she was a teen. :/ Lovely. Sam has told me on several occasions that she acts just like her mother did and that its why he didn't stay married to BM.
At the end of the day, I
At the end of the day, I commend you for your efforts. Any girl (little or not) that purposely broke my nose, I absolutely could not be in the same room with her ever again. Sounds like you have tried hard to deal with this situation the best you could. If you can, hang in there for one more year, completely disengaged. If not, then maybe a small apt. until she is "grown," so you dont have to deal with her drama anymore. If thats not possible, can she go stay with BM until then? Sounds like they're two peas in a pod.
It helps to have a supportive DH. I think in these situations, that is the least they can do is be supportive, bc afterall you wouldn't be dealing with any of this crap if it wasn't for him. If that isn't love on your part, I don't know what is!
Here is what happened when sd
Here is what happened when sd and her brother and sister were little: BD and BM were married. The kids were aged 10 months to 4 years. BM always wanted to move (residences/towns/states) and BD was fed up with her moving them all about every three or four months. I guess they got into it one final time about him NOT wanting to move again, and while he was at work the next day, she literally packed up the kids and took off. For months he didn't know where they were, and then finally she told a family member they were in Ohio. So the family tells Sam and he gets ahold of BM. She basically told him if he wanted to be in his kids lives then he would drop everything and move to Ohio, and BD had no money to do so, and too many responsibilities here. So BM hung up when BD told her it 'wasn't that easy', and for the next several years, she would move around all over Ohio while BD kept trying to find them. The few times he did find them and got a phone number, she would intercept the phone call and hang up on him, telling him he has no kids, and then abruptly she would move and/or have the number changed. So he finally filed a divorce for abandonment.
4 years ago, he was told by a family member (hers) that SD was in foster care in ohio. He called Ohio and found out that she had been taken from BM under charges of physical, mental and sexual abuse (I dont' believe some of that abuse crap, not knowing how SD is...). BD spent a year getting custody of her. By then, she was pretty well already ruined. He works some really long hours on the weekends, and nights through the week. They lived alone and so she pretty much just continued to be wild, and BD didn't know what was going on..
Enter ME, and I pretty much TOLD HIM what she did when he wasn't there. I wouldn't let her smoke. I wouldn't let her have boys in her room with the door shut. The list of what I busted her on to her dad is a mile long, but you get the gist. I basically ruined her party, and so now she absolutely hates me.
BD spends as much time with her as he can, but when she isn't home, what do you do? She always claims that he never spends time with her, but on his days off, she is never there. She just uses this crap as a reason to complain and get people to feel sorry for her.
As far as her being pregnant? Pffft... fine. But I've made it very clear that I'm NOT going to participate and be all 'excited'. Chances are, BD and I will end up raising her kid, but I have said if it comes to that, it will be with full custody.
Oh and now she is telling her father that I'm going to be jealous of her cause she is able to have a kid and I never could. (I've had 6 miscarriages, and at 42, I'm certainly not trying anymore.)
Sounds like a rough situation
Sounds like a rough situation & somebody needs their little butt kicked. Does her dad really know how she runs you over after he leaves what not? After your nose was broken by her, im sure he has some idea to an extent but you are still being subjected to the abuse. If he has more less washed his hands of her, she than should be living with her BM. Your SD needs to have s*** hit the fan when her dad comes home & she had been the least bit mean to you.
As for the counseling, can you take time each day & write down events & how they were handled in a notebook? You can save your sessions for handling issues that way instead of spending the time only being able to cover an issue or two. Not to mention everything that goes on will be known about. Its easy to forget events that occurred when there are so many. I wrote down everything when it came to my SD & her counselor copied every page. She read it on her own time but got a better understanding of what would occur on a day to day basis in the household.
Hope that may help!
same with me. kudos to you
same with me. kudos to you for trying. DH should really be lucky to have you. i wouldnt of put up with that, she be ina group home long ago!!!
Keeping a journal of sorts to
Keeping a journal of sorts to record the crap that happens when Sam isn't home is a great idea, and I'll be sure to do that. She had court yesterday and the juvenile justice judge gave her 25 days in sanctions. Dont' YOU know, I'm happy. I get a break.
BD does know she is a horrid kid. He told me that if her mother hadn't run off to ohio and disappeared, that if he had known where they were at all those years, maybe he could have made some kind of difference. However, now, he is adamant that when she turns 18, he will help her pack up if she wants to go live with her mother. I'm relieved to hear that.
BD isn't convinced she is truly pregnant either, but SD has a doctor's appointment on Thursday that the probation officer has said she will be taking SD to. BD is to meet them there. While there, the probation officer said she will demand a blood test to make sure, one way or another, if she is really pregnant. If she is not, BD has said almighty sh** is going to hit the fan, and SD will have bloody he!! to pay for it.
Its confirmed without a
Its confirmed without a doubt. SD is pregnant. The baby's father, and soon-to-be-grandfather, are NOT happy. The boyfriend's dad actually thinks we can make SD get an abortion. Really? First, I have to say I don't believe in abortion unless the mother's life is threatened, and secondly, isn't it out of our hands anyway? 16 or 30, I think the pregnant girl/woman has all the say so in that.
My SD had a baby at 16. I
My SD had a baby at 16. I can't really give you any advice, just drink a lot of margaritas and vent on here.
At least she didn't live with
At least she didn't live with you. My SD still lives with BM also, but they get no CS for gskid because the father is in prison. So they think DH should "support" her.
How did your dh react to the teen mom situation?
No my SD lives here with DH
No my SD lives here with DH and me. :/
And also, the counselors she sees each week and her probation officer all believe that dhs will step in and likely take the kid from her if/when she has it. Sam and I think that is the BEST thing that could happen for the kid's sake. SD has NO business raising a kid.
She also got another 5 days in JJC lockup because she couldn't follow the rules up there. Whats amazing is that this isn't her first time being in lockup... more like her 8th or so. You'd think she'd learn. Oh well.. the last 20 days have been bliss.
wrong, haha no. You should
wrong, haha no.
You should think about moving. Not necessarily ending your relationship, but getting your own place. You are in for a hell of a time if you put yourself in a position to be involved in this now. You've tolerated way more than I would ever have. The second a skid laid a hand on me, they'd never set foot in my house again.
I'm prepared to tell SO that if/when SD comes to us preggo, he will be told she's not coming here.