DH wants me to blame him for SD's bad behaviour
So I have had a hellish past 3 years (of 20) due to adult SD (36 yrs. old). I talked to DH a couple of weeks ago and said I was not ready to re-engage. I have only been disengaged for 1.5 months. He seemed to understand and be supportive (a tiny bit). DH still goes to SD's a lot and I have been feeling apprehensive about this in that I wasn't sure if SD was still bashing me behind my back or offering helpful criticism - insert sarcastic expression. Today after DH stayed at SD's for the whole day without bothering to tell me I had a wee talk with him when he got home. I explained how I feel uncomfortable in that DH has not confirmed that the bashing has ended or what his stand was with SD. He said I support you by being here for you- beep- wrong answer. He probably supports SD the same way, by being there for her when she is whining about me. Not a great situation at all!!! Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I told him that all the mountains and molehills she bitched about are now just one huge gigantic ball and I can no longer differentiate between the major and minor complaints. He said that most of it is ALL HIS FAULT, because he was using her as a marriage counselor and co-parent role for our BS. Our BS is having a lot of serious school problems and is involved in some pretty high risk behaviour for his young age. DH and SD are all about punishing and not really dealing with the issues. So this is where it all started. Now he says I should not blame her but blame him for her bad behaviour. I told him she is a grown woman who has known me for 20 years and it seems to me she just jumped at the chance to bad mouth me and alienate me and my DH furhter. Sure she wanted to support DH but honestly, 3 years of hell over DH confiding in her? I said this is not really helping the situation by trying to take responsibility for her actions. I told him I was mad at him too that is why we fought so much. He did not get of scott free for all the BS that goes on. DH and I fought some of the nastiest fights we ever had over her bad mouthing me and being disrespectful to my face. Where do I go from here?? DH thinks I should be mad at him only. I am mad at him but I am more mad at SD since she seems to want this divide and conquer to continue. Please any advice would be much appreciated.
Wanna stop the crap? This is
Wanna stop the crap? This is what worked for me when I had a s/son who tried to divide and conquer.
Ignore her. Totally ignore her. When your DH goes over there say "Have a lovely day! See you when you get back!" And get on with your own day.
When he comes back say "I hope you had a lovely time... now I can make x or y for dinner. Which one do you want?"
The ONLY way you can stop her in her tracks is to always be the nicest wife. Never discuss his loony tune daughter. And ask your DH not to discuss your son's problems with his daughter because "this is a family matter and she has a lot to take care of without worrying about her half brother."
She bad mouthed you. She doesn't like you. And as fantastic it would be to have a show down and slam her once and for all it won't happen anytime soon. Does her opinion REALLY matter to you? Of course she should respect you. But she doesn't because this allows her power over you. By reacting means you engage in the fight. By ignoring her and not engaging in a conversation gived her no one to bitch to about you except her father who will eventually get fed up with her ALWAYS complaining about you when you say nothing back to her.
So start today, do not discuss her at all. By not liking or disliking her takes all the wind out of her sails. And THEN you win!
Thanks oneoffour - very
Thanks oneoffour - very helpful advice! I was almost there until this weekend. I had a little set back and will get back on the not discussing, not engaging and not caring. This is still new for me but I gotta say up until this weekend this past month has been bliss. NO BS from SD and DH has not said boo about her to me otherwise. I know a show-down would end badly and I would not be happy in the end so ignoring is the best solution.