I will say I see a lot of articles about how parents need to get along for their children, and have examples of divorced parents doing exactly what you said.

It's to your advantage to remain civil towards an ex. Why create a divide. Why remove any possiblity of being able to communicate with each other and solve problems outside of the court system. Besides, kids suffer at the hand of angry parents way too much. The biggest mistake in the world with divorced parents is to badmouth each other to the kids. I just think it's better to get along. It's irritating for the current woman in a man's life, sure. But, we women need to stop being so territorial, relax and live our own lives. Men find us to be much more attractive in a non-threatened state. If a man gets along with his ex, then decides to vent about her later, DON'T JOIN IN. Walk away and say, "She's your ex, not mine." Keep it HIS BUSINESS. He will find you to be intriquingly different.

intriguingly
...spell check.

I had a friend in high school whose parents literally stayed at each other's house with their new spouse...hmmm...At the time I thought it was "nice". I always did sense that the stepmom wasn't thrilled, but went along with it.

I have to say that I understand it to a certain extent. I also have to say that if you marry someone with kids, who has always done this and thus, did it while dating, that it should be accepted. If you don't like it while dating, then you should move on. I do have to say thought that once you have a relationship with someone else, if you all of a sudden decide to be best buddies and do such things, it is imperative that your new spouse be on board.

Honestly, I can see that I could possibly try to get along with my DH if we divorced for the sake of our kiddo, however, I also know that there is a difference between getting along and being buddies. If you can be such good friends with someone after a divorce, then I also think that you didn't give your relationship a try while married. I also believe that it is very selfish for someone to do this after they divorce, when they were so darn selfish to divorce in the first place which affects the kids no matter what anyone thinks. It's like "yes, I can be selfish because I'm not in love anymore, even though this person is wonderful, I thought only of me...but now that we are divorced, everyone is expected to put up with it for the sake of my kids." If you didn't think of your kids prior to divorce, don't expect others to do so.

I'm a BM and my DS8's BD (we were never married, only dated for a few months) and I get along great, and spend time together with DS when we can, and we all enjoy it. BD lives about 5 hours away (very close to my family) and we meet half way for visitation and almost always sit down for dinner and visit when we do. I got married a few years ago and BD and his whole family came to the wedding and were genuinely happy for me (and equally heartbroken when it didn't work out). None of us ever held on to any guilt or blame, we all do the very best we can for DS and each other and there have never been any hard feelings.

BD's entire family (mother, brother, sister in law and two neices), along with my live in BF and his parents, my sister's children, husband and in-laws, and her oldest son's BD and his new GF and their son, were all together at my mother's house on Christmas Eve. It is not traditional by any means, but it works amazingly well. There is no drama (there are small disagreements), and my DS has really benefited from the fact that his dad and I are still friends. He has also been very accepting of my boyfriend and his family because he sees that his dad likes and accepts him. It goes a long way there.

BF's parents had never met my family before and are a fairly traditional, conservative couple. They were blown away, and impressed, by how well our extended family got along.

I think that if you are able to make it work, it can be a huge benefit to the kids and also it removes a lot of stress for parents/step parents. No one has to worry about "running into" BP at a child's basketball game, or sitting on the other side of the auditorium at a school concert.

My boyfriend is not threatened by this, nor should he be, if I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with my son's BD, I would be. It's that simple. My general feeling about contact with exes is that you can't control your partner, how they feel or what they do, if they want to cheat or leave you or whatever, they will. If you don't trust them, or feel threatened by a friendly relationship they have with an ex I think that says a lot about your relationship with them, not theirs with their ex. Just my $.02.

I realize this is not a realistic expectation for everyone - when I was married my ex-H had two CRAZY BM in his life and I wanted nothing to do with them. They and I got along fine even though they thought he was a piece of shit, but I would never have invited them to a family function with us.

To each his own - if the buddy/buddy thing works for you then have at it.

But it does NOT work for me. DH had a ONS (more like a 30 minute afternoon activity in reality) with BM after the divorce which is how the second SS arrived on the scene. They had no romantic/sexual interaction for almost a decade. And yet it happened. It is best if the ex-spouses to avoid being alone with each other in an intimate setting.

So from my perspective - there will be NO contact. I'm not 100% sure I can even be civil to her. Yeah I probably can - had to suck up and deal with hideous people for work for decades. I can fake it I'm sure.

I do think it's best for parents not to be hostile to each other. But best friends? way too easy to slip back over the line into bed if alone when it is someone you shared a passionate love life with for years. Throw in a little alcohol (although none involved in DH's case)and a nostalgic little bit a alone time and no telling what can transpire. Not just my DH I've seen this happen with many, many friends. Women that HATED their ex but somehow ended up sleeping with them a decade after the divorce.

I don't have children so there is no ex I have to deal with. But in terms of being "friends" I have an ex who I am still friends with. But now that I am with DH, my friend and I cancelled a trip we were going to take (separate rooms). Just would not have been a good decision.

Being civil and even friends with an ex is not wrong by any means - but having a very intimate (even if not physically intimate) relationship with your ex is just a prescription for trouble.

With younger kids, it is not healthy for the parents to be buddy buddy. Every time the parents are in the same room, they will think the parents are getting back together. All this does is prolong the process for kids. Being civil is great. But you should be civil in exchanges, don't spend prolonged time in the marital home, don't have dinner together, etc. Eventually the child (who probably already thinks the divorce is his fault, most do) is going to think, "Wow, they still love each other, so it MUST have been my fault they divorced..." Or the child will constantly be thinking they are going to get back together...any day now...

I get that not all situations are the same. The age of the kids MUST be taken into consideration. Kids are NOT small adults. They are self-centered, self-absorbed, and actually think EVERYTHING is about them.

My bf's ex caused all kinds of trouble for him, but in the kids' eyes, everything was great. He had to fight for regular visitation, as she demanded supervised visitation, supervised BY HER, IN THEIR MARITAL HOME. BIG mistake. One daughter8 said recently, "I don't want to have to leave home to visit you. I want you to have to come to our home and visit with mom, like before." Separation was 3 years ago. This woman has put him through the ringer, and done some of the most evil things to him and he has to fight to get his time with his kids. And of course, she diminishes his role as father to the kids and they are being raised to believe moms call the shots and dads are there for money.

I know in this case, the bm is not normal. This is MANY cases. If kids are older, and parents are normal, being friends can work. But there are SO many factors that have to come into play, and then there's the new relationships that come in. I don't think at all that this is a new fad, I think that relationships often break up before each person does too much damage to the other, and therefore they can still get along. Once you go too far down a road of hell, you can't get back to "buddies."

If the women in the OP are unhappy with the way their boyfriends and BMs interact, why are they remaining in the relationships?

Maybe DIsney because they love their husbands and feel that just applying some boundaries would really benefit the relationship? STUPID to keep commenting on anything we aren't 'happy' with we should just divorce/destroy your family unit.

BIG THINGS? Yes...small things? YOu ask to be heard and set boundaries and work at making eachother happy. It's not unreasonable to ask someone to change their interactions w/their exes. Truth is the dynamics between ex's DOES change most of the time after they partner w/someone else. And that's normally out of respect of your new relationship and spouse. It's not unreasonabl, she shouldn't leave because of current interactions. It's ok for OP to voice her opinion, and I don't think she's wrong at all.

My bf doesn't interract with BM at ALL-no calls, they don't speak, he barely acknowledges her existence (it KILLS her!)-they dont' talk at sports events.
My ex and I are more civil then that, however I placed more boundaries once bf was in the picture. It made me uncomfortable for him to 'hang out' when picking up dropping the kids. He doesn't do it as bad now, him and my bf are civil, shake hands, say hello, how are you-stuff like that. BUT we stay clear of combined holidays/bdays somewhat now because my ex tries to manipulate to have all my family talking/interracting w/him the entire time. I knew it hurt my bf, he was upset, so I accomodated the man I love-even if my family or my ex found it hard to cope w/the 'changes'. You nurture your relationship...you don't just walk away.

I would have hated if my bf just walked away from me because he was uncomfortable w/my ex being in my home for a joint bday party-I much preferred him to speak up as to why he was upset.

I have thought about this issue a great deal, as my exH and I actually were BFFs since we were small children. He was literally the boy next door and we grew up together. My mom and exMIL have been best friends for almost 50 years. Our families were neighbours for two decades and they remain very close, all of them.

Our divorce was amicable. It says something that our mothers remained close friends throughout it all, although they were heartbroken and shocked at our decision to divorce. Thankfully we had kept most of our problems very quiet and to this day our respective families don't really know the mud we could sling about one another.

We started out with the BFF model of co-parenting but this ended after a couple of years. We slowly shifted to cordial and business-like and this is far preferable IMO. I don't believe it is sustainable to be BFFs once both people have new partners and/or children and step children. I think these situations require clear boundaries to respect everyone's feelings. What is ideal for children on the surface is not ideal if it makes one of their parents or step parents feel disrespected or uncomfortable.

We are friendly but we are no longer friends. We may sit or stand together at kids' events but not always and we don't seek each other out. Our communication is mostly text and e-mail and it is ONLY about the kids. At most 1-2x a week. It is not excessive...I do not feel the need to fill him in on every detail of their life with me. We meet for coffee a few times a year to work out scheduling or other large items. We may talk a bit about our parents but that is all, nothing more personal than that.

My boundaries include not going into his home, he rarely has come into my home, and as hard as it is, I do not go into exMIL's home or to her family events, though she does visit the kids here sometimes. My exH does go to my parents home with the kids but we are never all together at a family event. That will occur at graduations, weddings etc and I have no doubt everyone will enjoy it but for lesser occasions I feel it is over the line of what is appropriate or necessary.

I completely disagree with the concept that being good co-parents should extend to being each other's emotional supports as parents. To me that is a boundary always drawn by divorce, regardless of the situation, and you need to seek that support elsewhere than your ex spouse. We back each other up to the children, we share concerns, I tell the children they have a good father and he tells them to respect their mother...but I do not turn to him, or him to me, for emotional support in parenting or in any other aspect of life.

As for what is good for kids, I think clarity and predictability is what is best for all children regardless of age. I am not sure that even older children can understand being "buddy buddy" with your ex without them questioning why you are not still together if you get along so well. I think children need reassurance that there is no conflict, no need to choose sides and that the current structure of the relationships in their life is clear and stable.

My own DD who is 12 recently chastised her father and I for using old nicknames (name short forms) for each other in an e-mail she saw...this offended her sense of propriety. She said we shouldn't be "so" friendly...this seemed to shake her idea of who we are to one another. I don't think children necessarily want their parents back together--they want things to be familiar and calm. My DD loves her step dad and SM and wants to know that all these family relationships can be relied upon.

I would caution anyone starting out with the BFF model to think again...it is nice in theory and of course touted by counsellors and Hollywood etc...but the reality is that it is not likely sustainable once both people have new partners and families. If it was, I think I could have done it, given the unique situation with my exH-- and it just wasn't best for anyone in the long run.

I cannot be friends with someone who is a person like PB is. I never tried to start crap with her. The only thing *I* ever did was date her ex-BF, take care of their kids, and show DH how manipulative she is.

I went in thinking we'd be a big Brady Bunch. My DS's father was an ass and I get along with HIM. I am told all the time how NICE I am and how great of a person I am....except with PB. To her, I am Satan in female form.

She has had mental issues since she was a child and I don't think she is properly medicated. OR, she doesn't take her meds like they are prescribed.

She has single-handedly caused herself to be the person I hate the most in the world (I never like to use the word "hate"). All because she is jealous of me. If she wanted to keep him for herself, then she SHOULD HAVE KEPT HIM FOR HERSELF! Once they broke up, he was fair game. And they had been broken up for some time before I came in the picture.

I'm just confused as to if you can be best buds for the kid, why couldnt you stay married for the kid?

I mean, nearly every study I have seen says that even if the parents arent "in love", if they can be civil to each other, and set a good example, it is better for the kids for the parents to stay together.

IMHO in the large majority of cases, if the parents can be best buddies with each other after the divorce, they should've stayed together for the kids.

(For the record, I'm not talking about being civil or nice, I'm talking about the BFF stuff, like constantly gabbing on the phone, seeing each other for lunch, even taking vacations together.)

Hmmm. Yes, I see...

Anyway. My last comment on it is that BD (and his live in girlfriend of 5 years) and myself (and my boyfriend), and ALL of our families, AND our son (who is smart, well adjusted, popular, and well behaved) find it to work out great. BD and I have never so much as raised our voices at one another so I highly doubt WW3 is imminent.

I was married (ex-H and BD got along very well also, btw) and ex-H and I both could not stand my SS and SD's BMs and I wanted as little to do with them as possible, I was still polite to them though. I get that it is a very unique situation and everyone's experiences may be different and there is no one right answer.

My only point in elaborating on my current situation was to try to open some minds about other possibilities besides, BM vs BD, SM vs BM, or SD vs BD as it does not have to be that way and in my experience it works much better when it is not.

That's it.

Stepmomma83....I think that's the problem us new wives have. If I want to have a family with my DH, then I don't think his ex should get a vote on that, it shouldn't even be DISCUSSED with her. I understand totally how this upsets some women. Luckily, my DH and his ex cow can't stand each other.