cant take no more
I have 2 bio kids and 2 step kids all similar ages.I am engaged to my partner of 3 years.We have 2 kids each.I am finding it near impossible now to carry on with the situation.My kids dad is not around and chooses not to be.I would love him to be as its hard for my kids and for me as I never get time out.My partner is divorced.After school my mother in law to be picks his kids up ( as their mum works ft )feeds them,etc,and my partner goes straight from work to his mums where he sees his kids most days then comes to me 6 ish 7 ish in the evening.Its a long day for him I know this.I do feel as though am second best though.He will never be here at dinner time in the week.I have to accept that,but am finding it very hard.
There are lots of other issues,lots and lots.He trys but its obvious me and my kids are second best.For example he came in last night and didnt really ask my yougest how her day was or anything.But then a few mins later hes on the fone to his OWN kids asking how their day has been,etc.I don't think,well I hope it is not intential,but it is still very hurtful.My kids are too young to realise it yet.Is it the case that blood is thicker than water and my kids will never be the same as his own?.
We also have a very different set up,am very much on my own with my kids,no real family suport,their dad not around,financially,emotionally it is all on me,everything.I am my kids rock.Where as for my step kids have a mum and dad,have very good grand parents who do alot,a big network of people to help.I do get jealous I have no real support apart from my partner ( but he is split with his own ).I get annoyed that still he is selfish,he doesnt seem to care that am on my own,doesnt put us all on the same scale.I so understand that he works very hard,isn't always well as he suffers from m.e,hes always tired and is streched this way and that on a daily basis.I have asked him to be honest with himself,is it too much being with me?too many complicaions,but he just carries on.I am very confused as I know he is a good man,but still feel me and my kids come second and that will never change.
We,well I have got annoyed recently and told him,but he says he can't change anything.
Am so upset today as was looking forward to doing stuff as a family this weekend but he has just called and said he is working ( dont think he has to,overtime is optional where he works ).Funny as I know he doesnt have his own kids this weekend.If he did he for sure wouldn't be going to work.Again am I being selfish?.I am lonely in this relationship.I will take my kids swimming ALONE again,wouldn't mind sometimes,but when you always do everything on your own it gets really sad.Its not the same doing stuff with friends and most have mine are with their own families at week ends,etc.
Any advice pleasexxxxxxx
Once upon a time, I was where
Once upon a time, I was where you are now. I had moved away from my family to be with my then FDH (now DH). I was my kids' only parent. I did everything for them while it seemed my DH only focused on his kids and what needed to be done for them (and of course expecting me to also focus on that and help HIM out).
I had enough and I told him he needed to do some thinking... I had been alone before, and was STILL alone even though I was in a so-called relationship. Also told him I used that term loosely, because only having sex and seeing each other briefly a couple times a week (even though we lived in the same house) was not a "relationship". I said I wanted a forever mate, my kids wanted a father figure (their father passed away when they were very young), and if I wasn't finding it here then I was walking away.
I will only speak from my experience, but your SO DOES have the ability to change things. Except he doesn't want to rock the boat, change the status quo. I would be livid if I knew my DH was NEVER EVER going to be home for dinner because he was eating dinner at his mom's house with HIS KIDS. Nope.
He wants to blend a family, but doesn't want to stir things up. Can't have it both ways. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like unless you take a stand, you will always be second in line. It IS possible to do this, many have before him. But it doesn't come without it's own problems and issues. Change sucks, it's not easy, but sometimes it just has to happen. He needs to decide if he wants to keep the first family happy, or risk losing the second family.
Good luck.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your reply,I know in my heart that its a matter of time I guess.Like you say he doesnt want to rock the boat,I very much doubt that he will ever change the situation for me and my kids.I have been on my own before and was fine and I can do it again,just seem to be more scraed this time as I do love this man and we have had good times and he has done alot for me,but as time goes on,I want more and seems he has his limits.Why does life have to be so sad!.We have talked this problem out so many times but just come to a dead end.
Its so nice to hear from others that understand and get advice,thanks,I need to be brave and make a stand asap am getting down and its not fair on MY kids. x x x x
It's hard, a lot of us have
It's hard, a lot of us have been there too. There's an old saying that goes 'softly, softly, catchee monkey.' I think that it might also become a catch 22 situation whereby you are not happy and he sees it and does not know how to fix it so the situation can spiral downwards. Some men really are oblivious to these things!
That's how things have always been and it's comfortable for them.
I suggest that you offer to pick the kids up one time, along with yours, and take them to their Grandma's, maybe offer to help her with dinner and you can all eat there? Or invite Grandma to your house? I'd be thinking of ways that would put all of you in the same location and that does not take you too far out of your way...a meet in the middle type thing. The kids need an opportunity to get to know each other. You might benefit greatly from bonding with the grand parents too? I know most folks are keen to enrich their lives.
Good luck!
Thanks Giveitago,prob is his
Thanks Giveitago,prob is his kids goto school out of my area,time I got to their grans,I'd be there an hour and have to get back home for baths,homework,plus my kids wanna be at home after school,don't wanna be sat in traffic every evening with them.Our 4 kids know each other well after 3 years,we have been on holidays and had good,if not a lil stressful times together.Sometimes my older one feels a lil left out as she doesn't want to play with the 3 little ones,but on the whole has worked well.The gran doesnt drive so can't get to mine and again it would alot of time sat in traffic with the kids.Its a real tricky one.
"I had been alone before, and
"I had been alone before, and was STILL alone even though I was in a so-called relationship."
Truer words were never spoken! And yes, these men with "first families" for the most part only want:
1. a bed partner.
2. someone who will financially support HIM while HE supports the FIRST family.
3. someone to lavish gifts over the first family and think they're the cutest things in shoe leather.
4. someone to do the laundry, cooking, housework/maid service and childcare for the first family on the fly.
5. someone to do the paralegal work (yes this is all part of it), secretarial work and double duty household organization due to the first family.
6. someone who will put up with the bowing and scraping to the first family BM and skids with a permanent smile on her face ALWAYS, never once mentioning any issues with disney/guilty dad syndrome.
Of course this means that your life and your biochildren's life will be put on hold so that everything can revolve around his first family.
I'd think very long and very hard before continuing this ALWAYS lopsided "relationship." And it gets worse after marriage as biodad feels you are contractually obligated to carry forth all the numbered points listed above.
RUN!!! (find a nice childless man) THey are out there. In fact, quite a handsome, tall man who never had children is divorcing his childfree wife of 18 years here at work!!! He's about 47 years old; smart and has a very lucrative, stable and nice job!!
I think it's funny when
I think it's funny when posters tell mothers to look for men without children.
It sounds so self centered. I don't want to deal with a man's baggage, but it's ok for a man to deal with my baggage. LOL
Yes, your spouse can
Yes, your spouse can definitely change, he just doesn't WANT to. You need to tell him that he WILL change, and he doesn't have a choice. It is completely unacceptable for him to NEVER come home for dinner. Tell him it is no longer an option. You are going to get worn down emotionally if this keeps up. Also, just imagine how much worse it will be when the SKIDS get older and learn how to truly manipulate the situation. You need to make a stand. Nobody should come 2nd in their own marriage. It has taken my DW five years to finally figure this out.
Wow, I am in almost the EXACT
Wow, I am in almost the EXACT situation! The only difference is- which is huge- my bf only has his kids EOW and one night per week. So he has evenings and weekends to "fit me in" which is what saves our relationship. He is going after shared custody, though, so who knows what will happen then?
I have pretty much given in to always coming 2nd. That is...when he has his kids. When he does not, I do not allow him to put them first, or the bm for that matter, because he has tried. By that I mean doing things for/because of his kids when he already made a commitment to me. Imagining myself in your situation...I can't. I would feel the same exact way. I do this ALL on my own, father is rarely in the picture. So my bf doing something simple like cooking dinner while I do something I need to do is HUGE. But because he gets off work and really has nothing else to do...when he just sits there or waits for me to be done (which I never am) is hard because I am pulled between him and my kids and I can never win.
There is no reason that your SO can't come home to you a couple of nights per week. Putting your kids first doesn't mean you have to be there EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. My own father lived i-n my house my entire life and he was emotionally not available. Like he wasn't even there! There are fathers that see their kids 8-10 days per month and have great relationships with their kids. I don't think that's enough, but your SO should be able to find a balance where it can be enough for them, and enough for you. If he can't see THAT much, you should move on. Things will never change and you will keep being miserable. Good luck!
Auteur thanks for your
Auteur thanks for your words,at least cheered me up as that list is funny,but oh so true.He very much is bossed about by his ex wife and his mother to keep the peace,for an easy life maybe.While I have said everyone is having their needs met,as his kids see their dad everyday so they are happy,his mum gets to see her grandkids everyday so she is happy and to mother her adult son ( as mothers often do with sons ),he gets to see his kids.The ex wife has her childcare needs sorted for free,so she is happy.Bar me and my kids obviously.Am a very focused and determined person and won't put up with it much longer,still going to give a final chance to be around more.
Draco very much understand your feelings and agree you cannot be forced to love someone just because you are in a certain situation.I cannot say I love my step kids the same as my own,but this is where it gets complicated.I feel at times already drained,as I am a damn great mum(BUT its hard work being a parent as we all know),with my own two kids,I give them 110 percent of myself everyday.To give anymore to his kids would really be pushing it.Also as I have said his kids have a big family who care for them very much.Stepkids gran will sit and play with them for hours,have them overnight,give them plently of TLC,then they have their mum and her family.My kids just have me to do everything.So I feel they don't need me to give them loads of attention and why should I tire myself entertaining them when my OWN kids need me so much.Not sure if am making sense as am abit emotional,new year and all that,want a new start.Want to happy,is it so difficult,seems so.
Nice to have another stepdads
Nice to have another stepdads perspective,thanksguys
Good point Draco re what do I
Good point Draco re what do I want him tobe in their lives,as in my kids lives.I want him to treat my kids well,be a positive figure,and maybe the hardest, love them.I think he does but as I said I don't love my step kids the same as my own,can't help it,just don't.So in a way how can he feel any different?or I can't expect more?aint his fault I don't have much family or support from their bio dad.On the other hand I feel he should have more understanding of my situation,he says he does but then shows his true feelings,as in this weekend he doesnt have his own kids,no thought that I would like todo something with my 2 as a family.His thoughts are,well don't have my kids this weekend,am free to work,no consideration towards me and mine.
mykidsmum-thanks for your input,yes its huge if he does something as favour for us,we deserve it though.Makes me angry also when he has not got his own kids,he is in the mode of I have no kids,I'll sleep until midday at a weekend,make no plans with MY kids.Really is like 2 seperate families when he doesnt have his own,without me saying come on,making him feel guilty,then he is sorry,then its too late,the damage has been done
Andimac,I don't feel myself
Andimac,I don't feel myself left out when we all together,but recently found step daughter is about daddy daddy I love my daddy and won't leave him alone.I feel for her she must be feeling insicure about him being around my kids or maybe his ex is slagging me,I have never met her and don't intend to.I know she isn't a well rounded mother though.
PART 2.... New day new
PART 2....
New day new BS.Only what seems like a trival issue.But just spoke to DH.May go for a bike ride after he gets back from seeing his kids this evening,but he will ask his ex first if she can get the kids earlier so he can get to mine earlier.I just hate the fact that this woman is indirecting controlling what we will be doing this evening,she maybe doesn't realise herself so can't nessercerly be angry with her,but this woman,a complete stranger to me is controlling my life.Am I being unreasonable?I just think I cannot cope with sharing DH with his first family anymore.Maybe its my fault,I knew he had kids when we met,but I never knew so many aspects of our life together would be controlled ( from my point of view ).I do feel a little unreasonable with the post but its one thing after another.
If your DH's mom is
If your DH's mom is babysitting the kids, why does he have to wait for BM to pick them up before he comes home? Why does he even have to go over there at all? If Grandma has the kids, I would think there is no reason for him to be there unless he wants to visit with the kids. And he could certainly give up at least one day a week with them to spend with you and yours. He probably just doesn't want to...which makes him selfish.
If Grandma isn't okay with having the kids by herself until BM picks them up one or two nights a week, BM can make other arrangements if she's got primary custody, and find a new babysitter for those nights. Or put the kids in an after school program. This isn't the only option for those kids.
You said you don't think BM realizes what she's doing? I would bet money she does. She's got free daycare, it sounds like she can pick up the kids whenever she wants, doesn't have to worry about feeding them or anything, so why pick them up early if she doesn't have to? I deal with one of these. She says she'll come "when she wakes up" (supposedly she's a bartender, but my money's on stripper) and will show up any time between 10 am and 6:00 pm.
And I'm sure she knows DH is there every night until she shows up, and if he's there, obviously he's not with you. He may tell her it's not a big deal, of course, but that's something you need to address with him.
You just need to have a big, sit down, serious talk with your DH. I made it a point to tell my DH that the only way "we" would work, was if I got the time I needed with him. When we first started dating, my DH was asking if I could handle his having kids, and I said I'd never get upset about him putting the kids before me, but I needed to know that he would put forth the effort with me and our relationship, IN ADDITION to whatever he does/we do with his kids. And he does that. It'll slide every now and then, but if it gets to the point where I'm feeling neglected, I'll tell him, and we'll get right back on track. It doesn't sound like your DH is doing that now, and he needs to! You guys need to talk...and if he's not willing to change how things are going, you need to reevaluate the entire relationship. Why be with someone who won't be with you, or your children?
And I tell you what - if your DH pays child support, I hope all the daycare, meals, etc he and his mom provide are taken into consideration! Why give BM extra money if she's not providing those meals/services?